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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To pull my mum up in front of extended family?

42 replies

Sapphire387 · 09/12/2023 17:32

My mum has form for constantly offering unsolicited opinions on my life choices.

Was round at her house this afternoon along with several other relatives, about fifteen of us in total.

She took it upon herself to announce that I am shortly returning to work after mat leave - my daughter will be six months old. We need the money - I earn more than my husband, so he will be taking a turn looking after her.

I find it odd that she thinks to discuss 'my' news with others while I am actually there... but then she turned to me and said 'I don't know how you can bear to do it, you'll miss all those milestones'.

DH and I have discussed this and come to the decision that this is best for our family... we also have older children. Would I like to stay off longer? Probably. But she'll be with DH and that'll be good too.

I've had enough of her doing this sort of stuff and I finally said 'thank you mum, for publicly stating your opinion on my life choices', and then swiftly changed the subject... to be honest I was quite abrupt but I am just tired of it. I felt really undermined and put on the spot.

She's now pissed off with me for 'embarrassing her'.

Was I unreasonable?

OP posts:

SmudgeButt · 10/12/2023 14:32

The other positive about what you are doing is that your DH, her DS, will get to see a lot of milestones he might otherwise not witness. And it's great that he gets that chance! I'd be quick to point that out to her, publicly, should she open her noisy trap again.

Vasilevich · 10/12/2023 14:36

Primproperpenny · 09/12/2023 17:33

She embarrassed herself!

This.

Without you saying anything she embarrassed herself in several ways. She sounds a bit emotionally immature?

Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 10/12/2023 15:20

Primproperpenny · 09/12/2023 17:33

She embarrassed herself!

Exactly this.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 10/12/2023 15:23

She needs the diet of less information.. Then she can miss out on your business full stop. Or ask her if she is paying your bills in 2024 then you can stay home or reduce your hours...

rainbowsparkle28 · 10/12/2023 15:26

YANBU. She is only annoyed as she embarrassed herself as she was out of order and you called her out on it!

Bicorne · 10/12/2023 15:31

Shouldbedoing · 09/12/2023 17:41

Good for you. Keep calling her out!

Yes. It’s tiresome and boring, but effective in someone who, like your mother, ignores your opinions in private but is embarrassed by being challenged in front of others.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 10/12/2023 15:40

As she was using the situation to invite the rest of the attendees to criticise you for returning to work/your suitability as a mother, perhaps you could return the favour next time by starting a discussion about her?

Alternatively, she could shut the fuck up.

Spottywombat · 10/12/2023 15:45

Is it actually snidy sideswipe about your DH looking after the DC when it's "your job"?

So really a comment on your return to work?

Original poster

Sapphire387 · 10/12/2023 15:48

Spottywombat · 10/12/2023 15:45

Is it actually snidy sideswipe about your DH looking after the DC when it's "your job"?

So really a comment on your return to work?

Yeah. She cannot get her head around the fact that I have a career and kids - that was not her life.

She also seems to think it was perfectly normal and acceptable that my dad apparently never changed mine or my sister's nappies. We were born in the eighties.

I don't really want a life like that.

OP posts:

JudgeJ · 10/12/2023 15:49

TheWizardHowl · 09/12/2023 17:44

This is exactly the sort of thing my mother would say/do. If I responded by defending myself she'd say I was being oversensitive/can't take a joke/"Am I not allowed to express an opinion?". We're no contact now, which she's baffled by.

I recall my mother saying I'm entitled to my opinion, and
my response was 'You're entitled to your opinion on the next England manager and on Taiwan joining the UN but they'll take no notice either!
I think I was probably the only one who ignored her, the rest of the family were lost in admiration!.

Mudflaps · 10/12/2023 16:39

My MIL is like this with my dh, she's extremely critical of him in front of others,the first time I called her up on it she looked like I'd hit her sheets so shocked. It took another few knockbacks from me before she learnt to keep her mouth shut. Poor dh was so conditioned from his childhood that he's only recently, in his 50's, started to speak up for himself with her.

Spottywombat · 10/12/2023 16:50

Either jealous or judgemental, neither is necessary to voice out loud.

Good on you! Stick to your plan, which is in all of your family's best interests.

curaçao · 10/12/2023 17:32

I think she was wistful rather than critical. She is your baby and it is true that a lot of mothers do regret not being there more in those very early developmental years,

KombuchaKalling · 10/12/2023 21:02

YANBU. She was out of order and needed putting back in her box. It’s none of her business, it’s between you and your husband. As others have said it’s either judgement and / or jealousy but those are her emotions to manage and not your problem

ButterCupPie · 10/12/2023 21:05

BettyPhuckzer · 09/12/2023 17:36

If she does this a lot and this is the first time you've stuck up for yourself, it's probably a shock for her. Keep being true to yourself and she'll get used to it

This. Absolutely. Worth repeating:

Keep being true to yourself and she'll get used to it

ChocolateCinderToffee · 10/12/2023 21:07

My mother used to make snide comments about me to other people in my presence. The only way to stop her was to call her out in front of them. YANBU.

thedementedelf · 10/12/2023 21:15

My mum does this too.

I was at a nursery fair with dd and my mum. I told her I had to pop to the bank along the road to lift some more cash out and went to walk towards the nursery door. She shouted over to me and dd that I can't afford it and she will lift cash out and give me a loan of money in front of all the other parents in attendance.

I don't talk about money to anyone so she has no idea what I can/cannot afford.

It's fucking annoying and no need for it.

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