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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not go to in-laws?

53 replies

flossie1983 · 09/12/2023 14:03

I'm a married 40F SAHM, we live comfortably off of my husband's income. We didn't choose for it to be this way, but we have two neurodivergent children who have both had long periods of being home-schooled because of anxiety and the school environment just not working out for them. When I have been able to, I have worked, but right now I have one DS at home full-time (12) and one DS (9) at home half days. I should add that their issues are not behavioural, they are both polite and well-behaved around extended family.

My parents and siblings live 2 hours away in one direction, and all his live 2 hours in the other. We hate living alone in the middle, but felt that choosing one family to be close to and doing 4 hour drives to see the other family (or more likely seeing them far less) would not work. So here we are.

My husband's earning capacity has always been well above my own, even if I were to work full-time, hence him being the earner and me being the primary carer. But the problem is that over time, it has felt increasingly like I am the only carer. Providing money has become solely his responsibility, so looking after the kids has become solely mine. Childcare for our children is not an us problem, it's a me problem. If we both get invited out but I can't find childcare, I can't go but he can. And being the one with the job, he is generally the one who gets invites as he has a life away from parenting. He can go for drinks after work or spend weekends away with friends and all the rest. As an exhausted SAHM who is trying to help her children through some difficult issues, the most social time I get is the very occasional quick coffee with other tired stressed mums. For the most part, I've become too tired and low to care and usually just get on with it. I appreciate that he works hard and needs breaks too, and I am grateful that my children are provided for and I am at least in a position to be able to care for them, so I usually just accept it.

But today I broke down.

A couple of weeks ago I was saying on his family WhatsApp how envious I was of SIL having my in-laws close by to babysit and how I never go out. Yesterday, my husband drove down to visit them all and I was meant to join them today and bring the kids. I didn't know what their plans were, but last night I see pics and videos in the family WhatsApp of DH, BIL and SIL all enjoying an evening out while the grandparents babysit my niece. Meanwhile, I am at home alone once again after a very long tough week, looking after our children and feeling like a single mum. This could have been a very rare opportunity for me to go out with the grandparents babysitting (total of three kids aged 3, 9 and 12 so our older two really would not have been any extra work, they do as they are told and would happily have spent the evening on their tech or watching a movie). But I wasn't even told about their plans and I felt like it was a kick in the teeth, particularly after what I had said on WhatsApp and DH had already been out once this week (he has at least one evening out each week, which I am fine with).

DH and I have been together since we were teenagers, so I have known his family for over half my life and try to think of them as my own, but I feel like I am always forgotten about as we live further away, and now I feel like my husband has ditched me too. I don't know if any of them actually considered me at all when planning this night out because nobody said a word to me.

So today I told him that I had had enough and that if I have to keep living like a single parent then he can start taking responsibility for the children every other weekend like in a divorced couple, starting today. I said that if he wants the children there this weekend then he would need to drive back and collect them, because I do not have the physical or emotional energy to drive, let alone to sit in their house and pretend that I am OK. I know it will create problems with both DH and the in-laws with me not going and him having to drive all the way back, but I feel broken.

But that's just it, I am exhausted and have spent the last month trying to hold back my tears because I am finding it so tough with home-schooling my youngest half days and trying to fix his problems at school. I feel so alone in dealing with the challenges of parenting, so I don't know if I ABU in my tired and emotional state. Should I have driven down their today and kept the peace?

Just to add, DH and I have conversations about how tough things are for me with the children at the moment, including one yesterday, so he's not in the dark at all.

OP posts:
Anywherebuthere · 09/12/2023 14:08

YANBU.

But its possible the evening out was a last minute thing.

However, conversations and action does need to be taken so you get some YOU time, whether you want that alone or with others.

dreamingofsun · 09/12/2023 14:09

why are your children home schooled? Could they not return to mainstream education and then you could get a job and stop being a SAHM. That seems to be your problem from reading this. If you dont have to rely solely on your partners wage then children could be more equally shared between the two of you.

Grumpynan · 09/12/2023 14:18

Why did he go down alone yesterday?, I would back you 100% in what you’ve done. He can collect the kids and give you a break this weekend and then at least a Saturday or Sunday every week.

Tinkerbyebye · 09/12/2023 14:23

Good for you. He works and has down time, you work (kids, house etc etc) and have no down time

your idea of him taking charge every other weekend is a good one, and must include not only looking after the kids but chores, making all meals etc so you get a complete break

Tinkerbyebye · 09/12/2023 14:24

dreamingofsun · 09/12/2023 14:09

why are your children home schooled? Could they not return to mainstream education and then you could get a job and stop being a SAHM. That seems to be your problem from reading this. If you dont have to rely solely on your partners wage then children could be more equally shared between the two of you.

@dreamingofsun

the answers in the first paragraph of the post. It’s not something that’s easy to over come

Awrite · 09/12/2023 14:30

YANBU

Your dh is treating you like staff. Very hurtful to keep going for nights out when you can't.

If he doesn't change then, yes - divorce will at least get you a rest every second weekend. And perhaps reduce this resentment.

coconutpie · 09/12/2023 14:32

YANBU. Good for you on standing up for yourself. It is not fair at all for you to carry the entire load when your husband does not.

dreamingofsun · 09/12/2023 14:33

sorry didnt spot the first para on the screen. how strange. agree with person who says that downtime should be shared equally between you and husband.

SaulHudsonDavidJones · 09/12/2023 14:36

No way would I put up with that. YANBU and you need to double down and force a change. He will get away with what he's allowed to get away with.

Original poster
flossie1983 · 09/12/2023 14:38

Thank you. I am currently sat alone in the house, and realised that this is the first time since the summer holidays, and on that occasion it was my parents looking after them. I am definitely having mum guilt though, and don't know what to do with myself.

OP posts:
Aparecium · 09/12/2023 14:43

Go swimming. Float, relax, think of anything and everything other than your family.

Go see a film. Preferably in an Everyman cinema - the most comfortable cinema IMO.

Have a meal at a restaurant. A mean that you did not shop for, did not cook, and will not clear up. Take a book for company.

Give yourself some space to just breathe and be yourself without anyone placing any demands upon you.

(In case you don't notice - YANBU!)

coconutpie · 09/12/2023 15:11

You don't even have to go anywhere, you can just sit at home with a cup of tea and enjoy the peace and quiet. Or switch on the TV and watch something.

stayathomer · 09/12/2023 15:24

Aparecium

Go swimming. Float, relax, think of anything and everything other than your family.

Go see a film. Preferably in an Everyman cinema - the most comfortable cinema IMO.

Have a meal at a restaurant. A mean that you did not shop for, did not cook, and will not clear up. Take a book for company.

Give yourself some space to just breathe and be yourself without anyone placing any demands upon you.

(In case you don't notice - YANBU!)

Definitely all of this. I’d like to add: who the eff said yabu?! Did they hit the button by mistake?

Keeva2017 · 09/12/2023 15:29

What has the response been from Dh? Yanbu in the slightest.

ChiIIieP · 09/12/2023 15:35

Why didn't you and the kids go yesterday? What was the reason?

diddl · 09/12/2023 15:44

Even if you had gone yesterday (why didn't you?)-would the Gps have wanted to babysit three kids?

You still might not have had a night out!

But you do need to plan stuff & go out.

SleepingisanArt · 09/12/2023 15:57

Order takeaway! Open some wine. Paint your fingernails. Soak in a bath with nice music or a book. Tomorrow have a lie in - remember what that is?

Nicole1111 · 09/12/2023 16:04

You’re doing the right thing. With his actions he’s communicating to you that his working hours (likely 8-6 Monday to Friday or something similar) justify you working 7 - 9 (or whenever your children go to bed) 7 days a week and that you’re not deserving of rest and relaxation because he is the earner. Until he has a better understanding of exactly what you’re doing he’s unlikely to change. I’d therefore recommend that in addition to split weekends you go on strike with the housework and cooking etc.

Grimbelina · 09/12/2023 16:07

OP I am in a similar position to you: ND child with complex needs at home most of the time and therefore unable to work (also partly due to my own health which has definitely been impacted by the stress of my caring role), DH now the main earner.

However, the difference is my DH more than pulls his weight and we both facilitate each other to go out and take a break. It is very hard for others to understand just how gruelling, lonely and isolating it can be to have disabled children at home if they aren't living that life... but your husband does know, of course he does. He is just being incredibly selfish.

You are not being treated fairly, but don't expect anyone else to sort this out for you. You really are going to have to draw new boundaries with your 'D'H and any extended family who aren't supportive (and I have had so many family and friends fall away - good riddance frankly - but a handful of wonderful ones who have stayed the distance - not always the ones I would have guessed)

If it helps, you need to do this for your children as you need to protect your physical and mental health (which means taking breaks, socialising etc.) as you are going to need to be around and advocate for them probably for many years to come.

If your DH doesn't realise this and has so little love and respect for you that he is happy for you to limp along and eventually burn out, then you are better off without him (as you say).

Myfabby · 09/12/2023 16:13

also if you can, try and get a 'babysitter' from time to time. Aside from you needing a break, I suspect you and your DH don't have quality 1 on 1 time and that would ease some of the tension. Take care of yourself.

Blossomingx · 09/12/2023 16:20

You deserve a break, do anything that you can to relax that you couldn't normally. Run a hot bath, read a good book. Savour the me-time. Also agree with a pp about you having a babysitter in if possible so you and DH can spend quality time together. I hope things get better for you going forward. Flowers

Original poster
flossie1983 · 09/12/2023 16:25

DH now has that kids at his parents. He hasn't responded. It took him longer than usual to get back because of weather and traffic, and he had to stop to charge his car (I did offer for him to use mine as it's not electric but he declined), so not exactly happy.

His parents haven't looked after ours since they were very little, I don't know why. They are both fit and active so it's far from an old age thing. My parents always jump at the chance to spend time with their grandkids and tell me they are always very well behaved.

We didn't go yesterday because we weren't asked, DH just told me the plan so I assumed he wanted some extra time with his parents, which I would have been fine with. I am used to him staying out after work or being away, I've stopped asking questions as I don't want to always be thinking about how he gets to have that freedom when I don't. I appreciate that I have turned myself into a doormat. And most of the time there is nobody to watch the children because we are too far away from family and I wouldn't deny him the chance to go out and have a break, but on this occasion I just feel more hurt than usual. I'm hurt that DH, BIL and SIL were happy to enjoy another night out without inviting me, I am hurt that it was never mentioned (and definitely not last minute), and I am hurt that MIL and FIL never offered to watch the kids even for a couple of hours. But I was still expected to drive down today and fit around every one else's fun, when I am so so tired from dealing with the hard stuff on my own.

And I will be told that everyone was disappointed that I didn't come. But they didn't want me there enough to ask me to go last night, or to help out just once with the children. So I know they won't really be disappointed.

OP posts:
Lovingitallnow · 09/12/2023 16:30

They weren't that disappointed I wasn't there last night tho is how I'd respond

PinkflowersWhiteBerries · 09/12/2023 16:44

💐for you OP. Try not to feel the mum guilt. YADNBU. I am glad your DH at least heeded your cry for help.
I would second the takeaway, the wine, a nice bath and a crappy movie that will let you sob your heart out . Hopefully a good cry and a sleep will make you feel brighter tomorrow.
Just ensure DH realises this is not a one-off, it’s a step change in how you co-parent.

ChiIIieP · 09/12/2023 16:47

After reading your update he's an absolute prick. Who goes away without their wife and kids the night before just for a piss up and leaves their wife and kids to travel over the next day. Yeah what a prick, so glad you've stood up for yourself and not gone.