AIBU to not go to in-laws?

[flossie1983]

I'm a married 40F SAHM, we live comfortably off of my husband's income. We didn't choose for it to be this way, but we have two neurodivergent children who have both had long periods of being home-schooled because of anxiety and the school environment just not working out for them. When I have been able to, I have worked, but right now I have one DS at home full-time (12) and one DS (9) at home half days. I should add that their issues are not behavioural, they are both polite and well-behaved around extended family.

My parents and siblings live 2 hours away in one direction, and all his live 2 hours in the other. We hate living alone in the middle, but felt that choosing one family to be close to and doing 4 hour drives to see the other family (or more likely seeing them far less) would not work. So here we are.

My husband's earning capacity has always been well above my own, even if I were to work full-time, hence him being the earner and me being the primary carer. But the problem is that over time, it has felt increasingly like I am the only carer. Providing money has become solely his responsibility, so looking after the kids has become solely mine. Childcare for our children is not an us problem, it's a me problem. If we both get invited out but I can't find childcare, I can't go but he can. And being the one with the job, he is generally the one who gets invites as he has a life away from parenting. He can go for drinks after work or spend weekends away with friends and all the rest. As an exhausted SAHM who is trying to help her children through some difficult issues, the most social time I get is the very occasional quick coffee with other tired stressed mums. For the most part, I've become too tired and low to care and usually just get on with it. I appreciate that he works hard and needs breaks too, and I am grateful that my children are provided for and I am at least in a position to be able to care for them, so I usually just accept it.

But today I broke down.

A couple of weeks ago I was saying on his family WhatsApp how envious I was of SIL having my in-laws close by to babysit and how I never go out. Yesterday, my husband drove down to visit them all and I was meant to join them today and bring the kids. I didn't know what their plans were, but last night I see pics and videos in the family WhatsApp of DH, BIL and SIL all enjoying an evening out while the grandparents babysit my niece. Meanwhile, I am at home alone once again after a very long tough week, looking after our children and feeling like a single mum. This could have been a very rare opportunity for me to go out with the grandparents babysitting (total of three kids aged 3, 9 and 12 so our older two really would not have been any extra work, they do as they are told and would happily have spent the evening on their tech or watching a movie). But I wasn't even told about their plans and I felt like it was a kick in the teeth, particularly after what I had said on WhatsApp and DH had already been out once this week (he has at least one evening out each week, which I am fine with).

DH and I have been together since we were teenagers, so I have known his family for over half my life and try to think of them as my own, but I feel like I am always forgotten about as we live further away, and now I feel like my husband has ditched me too. I don't know if any of them actually considered me at all when planning this night out because nobody said a word to me.

So today I told him that I had had enough and that if I have to keep living like a single parent then he can start taking responsibility for the children every other weekend like in a divorced couple, starting today. I said that if he wants the children there this weekend then he would need to drive back and collect them, because I do not have the physical or emotional energy to drive, let alone to sit in their house and pretend that I am OK. I know it will create problems with both DH and the in-laws with me not going and him having to drive all the way back, but I feel broken.

But that's just it, I am exhausted and have spent the last month trying to hold back my tears because I am finding it so tough with home-schooling my youngest half days and trying to fix his problems at school. I feel so alone in dealing with the challenges of parenting, so I don't know if I ABU in my tired and emotional state. Should I have driven down their today and kept the peace?

Just to add, DH and I have conversations about how tough things are for me with the children at the moment, including one yesterday, so he's not in the dark at all.

YANBU.

Your DH seems to treat you like staff, ‘stay at home with the kids whilst me, SIL and BIL go out and have fun and then drive the children to me when me / my family are ready to see them’.

I’ve been in a similar position of homeschooling a ND child whose needs were unable to be met in mainstream. Fortunately, this was only for one school year whilst an EHCP and specialist school place was obtained. Also fortunately I have my parents just 20 minutes away which was an absolute lifesaver (and still is even despite said child now being in specialist school full time). Plus I had a significant amount of support from my DP, despite the fact that he isn’t even my child’s father. Going forwards I would strongly recommend you consider moving close to your parents. You say that they are more actively willing to babysit than your ILs, despite living a similar distance, so surely this is the justification. As you’ve discovered, being “fair” to both sets of grandparents has become grossly unfair to you.

Obviously the overriding issue is that your DH only sees childcare as your problem to solve, not a joint one, however, from personal experience with my exH (child’s father), I not sure if you that you ever will change this, regardless of how hard you try. He no doubt enjoys the current set up as it’s working very well for him (at your expense ) so you may find that the only way to address this balance is to separate as at least he will have to be responsible for the children during ‘his’ time, giving you a break on alternative weekends. Therefore you’d be better positioning yourselves close to your family whilst you are still together, as if you do separate and then try to move close to your family, he could block you (via the family courts) from relocating with the children.

I felt really sad reading your post.

You said you've had conversations with DH about how you're feeling. How long ago did the conversations start and what, if anything, has he said/done about it?

I can see a few potential outcomes

1. you continue as you are (which doesn't sound desirable or sustainable)
2. you and your DH recognise that you each have a day job (his salaried job, you homeschooling) and additionally you each have a shared responsibility to care for your children outside school hours and run the house. You can outsource chunks of that (eg cleaning, childcare out of hours) but the burden should be on you both equally. You may need/benefit from couples' counselling to help shift from where you are now.
3. you're on board with 2) but he isn't. Frankly I don't see how your marriage can continue in that situation- you'd be better off splitting, with you taking the bulk of the equity, possibly spousal maintenance if homeschooling is necessary as it prevents you from earning. In that scenario I'd strongly suggest considering moving closer to your family.

Honestly, I would be very seriously considering your future with this man... I would also be considering moving closer to my parents. There seems to be little benefit to you to be halfway between both sets when they aren't very interested. Suits your husband I bet though...

They don't have to include you. I'd move nearer t
Your family and he can see the kids eow if he can be arsed

OP said the children are ND, have anxiety issues and mainstream school is just not suitable for them. Unless schools are able to be more flexible and can properly support children with school phobia/ anxiety etc then she has no choice but to homeschool them.
OP I understand why you are exhausted and uncared for. But I wonder if the night out was an ad hoc unplanned for evening. I don't think that is the real issue. You are not being unreasonable to feel as you do.
Are your local authority looking for a suitable place for your children? Do they have EHCPs? You obviously need more support I hope you are able to get it.

Start a plan to prioritise yourself. Have weekend (or at least a day) off soon. Your DH can have the kids. Join an evening class and make it a priority that he is home for you to go or HE finds a baby sitter. Once a month he takes an afternoon off work to have youngest dc so you can have the day to yourself. If he won't get on board with supporting you then perhaps being a single parent is the way to go?

Don't have to but her DH should have wanted to!

This will be hard to hear / read but I don’t feel your husband loves you. The way you write about his reaction; he seems dismissive of your needs. To go and visit his family and not invite you (in fact, why would an invitation have to be extended in the first place? Are they not your family too?) smacks of selfishness and a man who has checked out.

YADNBU and good wishes to you OP. You deserve more.

Your husband may be the sole wage earner in your household but I bet you would both be surprised if you priced up what it would cost if you outsourced all you do for your family! Tutor for homeschooling, cleaning, cooking, shopping, household admin, babysitting, taxi-ing the children around (perhaps gardening, home maintenance etc) add up pretty quickly. Both of you need to value what you are doing as a SAHM, you should have equal times for work/play/personal. Your husband could ask his parents to babysit next time you visit so you can go out together, with or without SiL and BiL.

For tonight, treat yourself and don't feel any guilt.

Yanbu. And you should carry through with him taking full responsibility for the kids eow. You need a break.

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate the support. I desperately want to phone my mum but I don't want to turn my family against him, so I am grateful to have people to talk to.

I cannot blame him completely. He is not a bad person, and I understand that it can't be easy to come home from work each day to a woman who is so tired and low and having to listen to me talk about what went wrong at school this time or what new anxiety has popped up, neither of us chose these challenges and it takes its toll, and I don't begrudge him the time he spends out at all, I understand why he would want to escape. I am just so upset that I was denied just one night off. But we have been living this way for so long and I have enabled it, so I have to take some responsibility.

But talking about it has gotten us nowhere. He still needs time off, and I let him. I still desperately need time off or at least a feeling of shared responsibility, and I don't get it. The marriage has nearly ended on multiple occasions, but I don't want our children to be split between two households, and he doesn't want to live away from them, so I think the only way forward is to put some sort of formal agreement in place. At least then everyone will know where they stand, and I can maybe try to build up my own independence if I actually have my own guaranteed time.

Talk to your mum about this. He's with his mother and they will be talking; you have the right to do that too.

God love you.

He is very very selfish and unfortunates you have allowed it.

He is not a good man.

He is doing the absolute minimum.

We teach people how to treat us and he thinks only of himself.

You need to head off to your family EVERY second weekend and leave him to it, whether you want to or not.

He needs to step up.

Good men do not behave like this.

You will become ill.

Things need to change.

YADNBU OP!! Your husband is treating you like crap. Being a SAHP means you look after the kids while your DH is at work. It doesn’t mean that you do 100% of the childcare 24/7! You should have equal time out or for yourself even if you are not up to going out xxx

Phone your mum.

OP, absolutely talk to your DM you need her support. Your DH has not stepped up, he has opted out and left you to deal with everything at home. This is not acceptable.

We have a ND DC he is grown up now and lives an independent life but I remember how hard it was when he was younger and I don't think the challenges we faced were in the same league as yours. You need to be a team and your husband is on his own team not the joint one.

Absolutely this.

Plus by not sharing this with family, you are reducing your support and putting yourself in a more vulnerable position.

But why didn't you go yesterday?

What were the reasons for him going alone & you joining him today?

Why didn't he take the kids yesterday?

At least you are getting some time now.

I can understand you not wanting to say too much to your mum especially if you are hoping to work things out.

“and I understand that it can't be easy to come home from work each day to a woman who is so tired and low”

but if the load was being shared more equally, would you be so tired and low?

He really is not treating you the way a good partner would. You seem to be worried about everyone else’s feelings and this is preventing you from leaving. However, 1) from a fellow parent of a Nd child, two separate homes and a mum who isn’t absolutely burnt out will be much better than one home and a mum who is. And 2) if he doesn’t want to live apart from his kids then he should step up and parent his kids.

I do appreciate that it is never easy to leave, I had around 18 months in between me finally accepting that the marriage was over and actually leaving. I have not looked back once. Ironically exH now is far more engaged in our child’s life than when he lived in the same house, even though he only sees them for two days a fortnight. Plus he’s found himself a new unpaid maid DP (and so have I) so DC now has two loving homes where their needs are fully being met. I love my DC, but equally I absolutely live for the fortnightly break and feel that being able to recharge my batteries regularly makes me a much better parent.

Thank you. I sometimes wonder if my youngest's current challenges are being magnified because of my own unhappiness. We are very close and he is very empathetic. I remember my own mum trying to hide her emotions but we always could tell, so I doubt my own happy mask is as effective as I would like.

The few people I know who are divorced seem a lot happier for it and I often envy them, but I don't know if I could go through with it. It is such a big step.

This

@OftIwandered has hit the nail on the head.

I just wanted to say you are doing a very important. Job supporting your 2 boys.
The school system isn't very supportive in a lot of ways of children with extra needs and you are doing your very best to fill in the gaps and make sure your boys feel listened to and looked after. Please remember that. And your husband should really be saying that too. He's not really being that supportive.
I hope you get a nice morning spending it how you please

Op literally explains this in her post 🙄

You say that you don't know if you could walk away from the marriage because it's 'such a big step', but I think that is possibly just total exhaustion speaking OP. It sounds like you do absolutely everything for you, your children and your 'H', so if you were to leave, you would be cutting down your work load for a start, as you would no longer need to do all the usual things that you do for him, which doubtless includes washing, ironing, shopping, household admin, etc. You probably do things like buying Christmas presents on his behalf, and remembering people's birthdays, because men like him don't tend to take responsibility for any of these things, not even asking, but just expecting their partner to do it for them.

Personally, I think you would not only be better off without this man who seemingly gives you no consideration, simply because he thinks he's done his bit, by going to work, but if you left and were to move closer to your own parents, you would have a lot more support, which will automatically lighten the load for you. Plus you would have a complete break from the responsibility of caring for the children during the time that their father has them, so this would give you time for self care, which you clearly haven't had for a very long time.

If however, you feel that you can't take this step, then you really do have to put in some new boundaries, which HE has to stick to, not only for your sake, but for that of his children, who as you say, will no doubt have picked up on the fact that you are not burning on full gas right now.

Whatever you ultimately decide to do though, you have taken a MASSIVE step in the right direction this weekend OP, and I hope that you find the strength to continue in the direction that you've started, rather than letting things slide back to where they were. Good luck!