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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For thinking my BFF doesn't value me?

28 replies

Letitsnoww · 09/12/2023 03:40

Hi all
I shall keep this brief, but just want to know whether I'm overthinking or if my BFF actually isn't that bothered with me. So I'm married with two young girls and when I first got pregnant my BFF let's call her Emma, was the first person from my friends that I told. Emma and I have been best friends all through uni, but she moved abroad so we haven't seen each other since about 9 years now. She was happy for me initially but then throughout the entire pregnancy she barely asked about how things were or even what the gender was. She seemed completely disinterested. In fact whenever we spoke she would focus on her boy drama or whatever. Anyway I had another baby and same thing. Very little interest. She never asked me about them, never asked to speak to them or even see them on video. Recently she came to visit the country and see me for the first time in 9 years and what hurt the most was when she saw my kids she had no idea what their names were and just said hello like they were random kids. Since she met them whenever I mention them she would always say "wait what was her name again?" referring to my daughters. I know for a fact that if she ever had kids I would have learned their names given that my kids are almost 6 years old now. Is that too much to ask? I have people I am much less close to that remember my kids names. Is it unreasonable to expect your best friend to do so? She never once thought to get them a gift. She just seems to not care about them in the slightest. I see all these videos of best friends crying and getting emotional when their besties have babies so this makes me feel like she doesn't care about me and makes me wonder if I should really be considering her a best friend and asking about her and checking up on her like I do. What do you guys think? Am I being unreasonable to expect more from my best friend? Should I find better friends? Or is this just what some friends are like?

OP posts:
GreatGateauxsby · 09/12/2023 04:22

but she moved abroad so we haven't seen each other since about 9 years now.

  • She lives in a different country
  • You haven't seen her in 9 years
  • You have grown apart
  • you dont know about each others lives (as evidenced by the fact she doesn't know your children's names)
-You arent BFFs anymore
Original poster
Letitsnoww · 09/12/2023 04:36

So yes we have lived apart for 9 years but we kept in touch and still consider ourselves best friends. She has now permanently moved back here but again very little interest in my kids, but can spend hours talking to me about her latest boy drama. Maybe you're right, though, it seems she still considers me her best friend except she doesn't care about my kids...

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Watchthedoormat · 09/12/2023 05:29

Maybe you consider her your best friend but she obviously feels differently.
I'd definitely know my best friends kids names and would hope to be a part of her family's life (in a non-creepy way of course).

Justleaveitblankthen · 09/12/2023 06:22

Have you considered that she may be jealous and resent that you have 'settled down' with a family?
She seems to actively have a bee in her bonnet.
It doesn't wash with me that she simply doesn't remember.
I would phase her out.

Justfinking · 09/12/2023 06:25

She was your best friend. Sounds like you've drifted apart now and she's clearly disinterested in your children given she couldn't even remember their names.

MassageForLife · 09/12/2023 06:34

My best friends and I spent years hundreds of miles away. We all had children, but rarely if ever met each others kids.

They are still the two most important people in my life, other than my family. I want them to be a friend to me, and I to them. There was a few years where, after I had my kids and before one of my friends had hers, that we drifted a little bit, weren't in touch as much as before -we were at different stages in life and it isn't so easy to be a support to someone if you really don't understand what that person's life is. But we are as close as ever now. Maybe things will drift a bit - but it really doesn't have to be the end of the friendship. That's a decision only you can make - how important is it for you to have her in your life?

Original poster
Letitsnoww · 09/12/2023 08:26

I think you must be right. The thing is she does always say I'm her best friend. But I don't know a best friend that doesn't remember her friends kids names after so many years, doesn't want to know them and completely disintetested

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Original poster
Letitsnoww · 09/12/2023 08:28

I did think that she may be jealous. I have a family and she's still trying to settle down
But if that's the case then is that really a good friend? Someone that can't be happy for you? To the point where she kind of minimises the significance of being a mother etc? Is that really someone I should bother with?

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Original poster
Letitsnoww · 09/12/2023 08:34

It's weird because in any other way we click so well and get along better than any other friends I have and I can be myself around her. So I genuinely do value our friendship and don't want to lose it. But I can't get over the fact that she doesn't care about my kids. That just makes me feel she doesn't care about me. And then I think why should I value her so much if she can't even make an effort with my kids. When she met then for the first time and seen me with them recently she made a comment along the lines of "I can't take u seriously as a mum haha" what does that even mean?
What I'm struggling with is whether I am being unreasonable to be annoyed at her lack of effort but it seems from the comments you all think a real friend would remember your kids name and maybe I do need to phase this friendship out and try and find a better friend?

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Ffsnotaconference · 09/12/2023 08:41

She is one of your oldest friends and you have shared a past together.

People are rarely best friends forever from being young. It’s unrealistic. You both get on. She likes seeing you and likes catching up. But she has no interest in your children. She isn’t their friend.

Some people can totally detach people from their kids. Some people see kids as a complete extension of their friends and feel the same for them as their kids. I consider my closest friends daughters to be my nieces.

But I have other friends who kids I don’t know and haven’t even met. I am not involved in their day to day lives. We are friends because we do a hobby or work together etc. Even those kids may have an impact. Sarah can’t attend the hobby due to childcare.

Your friend hasn’t been involved in your day to day life. At all for long time. Her kids have no impact on her. So when she thinks of you she thinks about you the friend she knew for years that didn’t have kids. Not you and your kids. Because she hasn’t been involved. And she may not want to. It’s up to you whether you are happy to continue a friendship on that level.

Ffsnotaconference · 09/12/2023 08:47

Sorry I forgot to say I do remember people I knows kids names. Occasionally I forget, but no more than I forget other peoples names

Hibambinos · 09/12/2023 08:47

Kids are not her thing. You need to accept the status of your friendship is never going to include your kids because she is currently consumed by her own dramas. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about you, she is just in a different place.

Olika · 09/12/2023 09:02

My best friend doesn't want kids or marriage and lives in another country. Since I got married and had a child our relationship has changed and I don't expect her to understand me anymore the way she did. My interests are around my family now and I cannot just forget/ignore my family because she wants to go shopping/partying/whatever.
To me it sounds your friend is not a child person or resents you for having what she wants but hasn't been able to get yet. It's dangerous to compare your friendship/her reactions to what you see on social media and instead you should just see her/your friendship for what it is. You have drifted apart as you are in different stages in life. Her comment about your being a mother just shows how different you two now are and perhaps it's time to accept this and move on. You can still be friends if you want to but it has to be based on the new reality.

MassageForLife · 09/12/2023 09:38

It's basically your decision. Is the fact that she's not interested in kids a deal breaker for you as far as friendship goes? Your life has changed immeasurably - hers hasn't. You can't expect her attitude to life to change to match yours at this stage.

If you can't get over the fact that kids just don't interest her at this stage in her life, then maybe you should call time on the friendship - but be realistic about it. She hasn't done anything wrong. You are just at different stages in life.

For a long time I struggled to remember one of my best friends kids names, partly because I had never met the child, and partly because the name has a few very similar versions that other people in my life had named their kids.

Ragwort · 09/12/2023 09:45

Being totally honest I am not that interested in my friends' DC ... beyond polite enquiries. My friends are my friends .. one of the nicest things about getting older & DC growing up is being able to spend time with my friends without having DC around. I am still in touch with my old school friends and when we meet up now (in our 60s) it is lovely ... just 'us' ..
You sound like you are at the stage when life (quite understandably) revolves around your DC but your friend's life is very different ... each side needs to show a little respect to the other ... but being with children (even your own - let alone other people's) can be overwhelming and boring.

10HailMarys · 09/12/2023 10:06

She’s your best friend from your pre-parenting days. She doesn’t see you as “DC’s mummy”, she sees you as Letitsnoww. Her interest is in you, not your kids - they’re not part of her history with you. You also live in different countries and haven’t seen each other for nine years.

I don’t have kids. When my friends have announced pregnancies I’ve obviously congratulated them warmly, asked them how they’re feeling etc. But I haven’t kept asking them about their pregnancies for the whole nine months because I would assume that unless they said otherwise they’d just be, you know, getting on with life while also being pregnant. Pregnancy itself is just a thing that happens. I’m interested in my friends as people, not as incubators. Of course I’m sympathetic to them when they’re dealing with backache and heartburn and swollen ankles and so on, and of course I’m kind and sympathetic and concerned for them if there are potential risks or worries about the baby. But I wouldn’t keep asking about the pregnancy unless they brought it up.

Once my friends have kids, I only really ‘get’ them if I see them all the time. I don’t have an auntie-ish relationship with them, particularly. I have one friend in particular who, when she had her children, basically never talked about anything else and it was very evident that she found it harder to relate to me as a childless person after she had children. For a long time, if I asked her how she was, she would just tell me how the kids were. Which, to be honest, I wasn’t that interested in. When I ask my friends “How are you?” I mean “How’s life for you? Are you enjoying your job? What have you got planned for your holiday? I remember you were thinking about moving, have you been house hunting yet? You’re looking great, have you joined a gym?” I don’t mean “Has DC1 been to Scout camp and how is DC2’s Maths coming along?”

widowtwankywashroom · 09/12/2023 10:14

Here's the thing, your kids are important to you, they aren't to other people!

Arrestedforit · 09/12/2023 10:17

You’re on different pages, that’s all.
I was the first of my circle of uni friends to have children, and remember being a bit ‘put out’ at the time that they weren’t that interested in the life changing experience I was living through. But over time, they became parents, by which time I was through the hard yards.

And now, all our babies are grown and flown, and we have the very best of times together, laughing together crying together, and supporting each other as life has thrown cancer, death and loss at us all.

Original poster
Letitsnoww · 09/12/2023 12:35

It's been really interesting to read the reply. I guess I thought I would get more people feeling as hurt as I am but I've had quite a few reply that say some people just don't care about children. I actually completely agree and I don't expect her to ask about details but literally how can I be close to someone who can't make the effort to remember their names it just screams can't be bothered me. But maybe instead of ending the friendship I can continue being friends but perhaps not consider her a close friend. Maybe put a bit of distance there, because no matter how much I try ignore it and move on it bothers me so much. Literally just learn their names 😭

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Original poster
Letitsnoww · 09/12/2023 12:38

widowtwankywashroom · 09/12/2023 10:14

Here's the thing, your kids are important to you, they aren't to other people!

I get that, but all I'm asking for is their name. To me honestly it's just a sign of respect. For example if you have a very close friend who got married, wouldn't u try and learn their husbands name? I genuinely don't know if I'm being too precious here but to me it's just basic courtesy

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sonjadog · 09/12/2023 12:43

I think it is a sign that she is rather self-absorbed. It doesn't mean she doesn't value your friendship, just that she thinks of herself first and foremost. Remembering your friends' children's names is not difficult. I know all mine in spite of living on a different continent to them for their entire lives. Some of them I have never met. It is really the absolute bottom level of showing interest in someone's life.

Original poster
Letitsnoww · 09/12/2023 12:44

I'm also aware that sometimes I do tend to take things more personally than I should which is why I made this thread so I can see if I'm being too sensitive.

I think I can mention that at times I have felt a bit of jealousy from her towards me but to be honest I think that's just part of human behaviour esp since she really wants to get married. But there's a difference between someone who is jealous but happy for you and someone who is jealous and is annoyed by your happiness..

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Original poster
Letitsnoww · 09/12/2023 12:47

sonjadog · 09/12/2023 12:43

I think it is a sign that she is rather self-absorbed. It doesn't mean she doesn't value your friendship, just that she thinks of herself first and foremost. Remembering your friends' children's names is not difficult. I know all mine in spite of living on a different continent to them for their entire lives. Some of them I have never met. It is really the absolute bottom level of showing interest in someone's life.

Thank you!! That's literally what I have been thinking. It's really not asking for much at all. And most of our conversations do revolve around her dramas and I feel she "tunes out" or lose interest when I talk about me or my life. Maybe it's time to move on. It's a shame tho.

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Pillboxer · 09/12/2023 12:47

Hibambinos · 09/12/2023 08:47

Kids are not her thing. You need to accept the status of your friendship is never going to include your kids because she is currently consumed by her own dramas. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about you, she is just in a different place.

Yes, this. No need for friendship-ending declarations and melodrama.

Unless her being as interested in your children as you want her to be is something you’re prepared to dump a friendship you clearly value over.

Original poster
Letitsnoww · 09/12/2023 12:50

Pillboxer · 09/12/2023 12:47

Yes, this. No need for friendship-ending declarations and melodrama.

Unless her being as interested in your children as you want her to be is something you’re prepared to dump a friendship you clearly value over.

Show quote history

I see where you're coming from. What's eating at me though is even if kids are not your thing, would it not be considered a sign of disrespect or lack of value to a friendship if you won't make an effort just to learn names? Would you still be able to consider that person as a good friend if they can't make such a small effort?

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