To wonder if we all crave absent/biological parents

[Orangeandgold]

I recently reconnected with my dad who I haven’t seen since I was a teen. I’m now in my early 30s and I weirdly feel a sense of closure that I didn’t realise I needed. I don’t recall “longing” for him but I did identify that my parents divorce had a huge impact on how I dealt with and approached relationships (marriage is still a nightmare to me and I always choose independence - I am unlearning so much with my current partner).

However this has had me thinking about my own DD who I am also raising as a single mum. Her dad is around but inconsistent. She tells me it doesn’t bother her but as a mum you never really know! My DD gets on well with my partner (not her father) and Im also feeling nervous about taking the leap and becoming a blended family.

With this in mind I wonder if we all crave or yearn for parents that we do not know/see. AIBU in thinking there is a biological urge to always know. Or are there people that happily go without and can say an absent parent hasn’t affected them too much?

I think people can pretend it doesnt bother them, or maybe even convince themselves that it doesnt bother them. But i think it does

My son is 7 and hasnt seen his dad since he was 8 months old ( DV, court ordered no contact or communication ) and he rarely mentions it

But he will occasionally ask what it's like to have a dad and just a few weeks ago he asked me if when I got a boyfriend my boyfriend could be his dad 😭 ( I havnt got a boyfriend )

My dad was in and out of my life as a child and it certainly left me wondering what was wrong with me and why didnt he want to see me

I never knew my biological father (he wasn't a good sort - alcoholic and abused my mother, I was a baby when she escaped from him). I never missed him, I think you can't miss what you don't know. It was awkward because those were the days when everyone had a mother and father and I was the odd one out at school!

Many years later I was really interested in family history from a genetic viewpoint, registered on an ancestry site and did eventually stumble across my father's 'second family' (which I'd known nothing about). My father was apparently still alive as I was contacted by one of my half-siblings who told me. I had no wish whatsoever to connect with him and cut contact completely. That, for me, was closure. I knew what had happened to my father after my mother left him and that was all I had really wanted to know.

Good God no. If you mean a parent you know but who's absented themselves, no, no longing here, ever. My father waltzed off with his latest affair when I was about eight. More I knew about him, more I despised him. Had the pleasure of telling him so when the old fool wanted my mother to help him to "get to know me" - as if she'd have gone behind my back for his sake. Told him he'd left it thirty years too late and I had clear memories of his complete lack of interest in me as a child.

I know my father and choose to have very little to do with him.
He left my mother before I was born and had very irregular contact, usually once every 3/4 year he'd be in my life for a couple of months before disappearing again. From age 16 to age 30 I never saw him at all.
He is now in touch and I see him maybe 3 times a year ( he would like to meet up more and be a part of my family but this can not happen) I do not tell my mother or my even my own partner and children that I'm meeting him. Quite rightly they don't think he deserves me and they would never accept him.
I don't like the man but I feel a pull towards some kind of relationship with him. Equally I resent him for making me feel I have to lie to those I love.

No. That may be your experience but it wasn't mine.

I felt only relief when my f and I went NC, and an overwhelming relief when he died. I could feel the whole family (siblings & dm) relax. Years of stress disappeared. He was pretty unpleasant though.

I don’t have a father, I grew up with my mother telling he was from a certain country, but she didn’t know anything about him, short fling. Did an ancestry dna test last year and it came back as a different country. My mum said it must’ve been the other fling then 😂 I’ve got absolutely no hope of ever finding out who he is, and he obviously doesn’t know about me either. I often wonder. And it does still bother me at times. But most of the time it doesn’t cross my mind.

Sometimes children say what they think we want to hear because they love us and can detect discomfort when they brought it up before so they clamp up. If you genuinely cant change the circumstances for them to see dad safely there is no point dwelling.

Perhaps let your child see a therapist so they have a safe space.

I believe in a traditional family unit, a loving bio mum and a dad however if this isnt the case, you just do your best. I wouldn't personally willingly have a child if this set up isn't possible because it's against my beliefs and I fear they will always wonder. They didnt ask to be born so the least I could do is not make their lives harder just for my own broody feelings.

I am NC with mum, dad not on the scene, no regrets whatsoever, no one goes NC with a parent lightly. I have very good reasons and my life has been happier and more settled since going NC. Nothing would ever make me change my mind. My relationship with my mum was always difficult, becoming a mum myself, made me see how toxic her behaviour towards me was. No way would I ever treat my DS’ like that. I am completely comfortable with my decision. I don’t miss her, I don’t wish her harm, just to stay away from me and mine. Many years have passed I don’t think of her as my mum, just someone I used to know.

Nope, if my mother turned up I would have zero interest in meeting her. I don't miss her, I certainly don't wish her harm, I have no interest in her. She had a much bigger impact on my older sister than on me. I was 16 the last time we heard from her, she didn't want to talk to me, she said EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness doesn't want to talk to me and she was absolutely right. She had a big impact on my early life, but there's zero craving for her or any other mother figure. Not angry or hurt or confused anymore just not interested.

Been NC with my dad since I was 11/12, I'm 34 now, absolutely no desire to see him, I barely even think about him. I suppose it has affected me and how I view men in general but I get by perfectly fine.

My dad started sexually abusing me when I was seven and my mom knew (I told her), and did nothing about it. She divorced him when I was 10 because he left her for another woman.

When I think of my parents I feel shame, anger and intense dislike. There may be a part of me that misses a parental figure but I'm not aware of it. I learned very young that parents were people who had complete control over you and will abuse that power. I never had a rosy view of parents as a concept.

Sometimes, even as adults, we crave the parent we didn't have, rather than the one we do/did.

So there could be a longing to be parented by a mother/father because our own parenting was poor/lacking/abusive and there has been an unmet need. We might want that security and containment of a loving family unit if we've never had that.

💐I am so sorry you went through this

I don't know if it's possible to crave something you have never had. I've never had congee and I don't crave it.

This is incredibly judgmental. Things happen, people change or show their true colours.
Even if someone sets out to have a traditional set up as you describe it can go completely tits up anyway.

There are lots of different types of families that thrive. Mum, dad and a couple of kids is often a very unhealthy one especially when people stay in situations to 'keep the family together'.

My mum was absent due to mental health issues, left when I was 7, we were meant to see her fortnightly but she’d get a boyfriend and would turn into months or once a year, then pop back up and expect to pick up where we’d left off, we all felt so abandoned by her but also knew she had mental health issues so tried to understand.
i longed for that mother daughter relationship and even now I struggle with forgiveness because even though she still has those mental health issues and is medicated she’d disappear for years and come back.
i see her once or twice a year for a meal. Usually 3 hours max, when she says love you it feels weird and I don’t think it’ll ever get passed that sadly.
I did seek therapy but so many unanswered questions which I feel I shouldn’t ask because I don’t want to make her MH worse.
i did find that having kids healed me in some ways though because I am the mother I wanted.

I've never met my dad - tbh my mum wasn't 100% who he was. I was lucky in that I had some great men in my life growing up - my grandad was very present in my life, plus I had two uncles and some lovely great-uncles; and perhaps that's why, but I never really felt an absence in my life growing up.

As an adult there were odd moments when his absence would hit me - having my own kids was a big one. Watching DH with our kids made me think "oh that's what you guys are for!" more than once. And I actually felt sorry for whoever he is that he'll never meet my kids, because they're awesome. He's got these amazing grandchildren growing up that he'll never meet.

Recently, I googled the man my mum thinks is the most likely candidate, and found someone on Facebook who matches mum's physical description of him. I don't know if it's the right person, of course, but he is has a grown up son and daughter, and they do look weirdly like me, especially the son. As an only child I'm interested in them than a father I've never met, tbh!

So I suppose that's a long-winded way saying I don't feel a loss, but I do feel the absence, if that makes sense.

Interesting. I was going to say ‘no’ (my violent nasty alcoholic father died when I was in my teens but was effectively absent throughout my childhood), as I was not sad when my father died.

However I am very interested in genealogy and was effectively cut off from my dad’s family so decided to research them myself.

Maybe it’s more to take some sort of stake and mark where you belong or where you come from? I don’t think it’s a biological urge as such.

My kids are adopted and their siblings were adopted separately, they’ve all always known and had contact with each other as well as letterbox contact with BM. As soon as each of them turned 18 and had the choice they all
decided they wanted no contact. Some because of her past behaviour (those who were old enough to remember) and some because they’re just not interested. Before anyone makes assumptions there have been no negative messages about BM from our end, the narrative shared is that she wasn’t able to make wise decisions and keep them safe. Of course that might change at some point; but for now (all in twenties now) that’s the decision they’ve made.

I have an absent father (left when I was a month old) and have absolutely no interest in anything about him.

I never had neither growing up, I was in care mostly and when I was with my parents they were not good parents to say the least.
I don't miss them at all but I do miss having a 'normal parent' esp when I'm ill or going through a tough time.
I feel for my children that will never have a nan (my husbands mum passed away before they were born sadly).

@StoatofDisarray I’m sorry to hear about what you went through. I guess you cannot miss what you never had. I noticed that some children are very happy with the lone parent set up (with a good parent of course) and when they go to school and realise a majority have “mum and dad” then they start questioning it.

Wish I could tag everyone because you’ve made me think. My situation is different to my daughters in the sense that my dad was my favourite parent - he was great but lost custody when I was a teen and wasn’t allowed to see us. My mum manipulated the situation to ensure he did and so I resented her for a while. I also don’t have a good relationship with her sadly as she is very manipulative. He has gone on to remarry with another family.

My daughter on the other hand was very close to her dad when he was a consistent parent (before she was 8) then despite me giving him chances to be in her life he has gone off the radar and failed to meet her multiple times. So she has seen how useless he is/can be. We haven’t seen him in years and I don’t care if we never see him as he isn’t a good man. So I wonder if knowing how terrible your parents are means there is less of a desire to be with them.

Haven’t seen my father for 47 years. No wish to. (Not pretending, as pp suggests, no interest at all.)

@Sweetaschocolate I empathise with you. I didn’t have grandparent growing up as they all died. However as an adult I have found that I appreciate the relationships I have with much elder people as they play that role of grandparents. It isn’t the same but as long as our children have love that is all that matters

I grew up with my Dad. He was a tyrant and 'nice' at times. The 'nice' times were lovely, but you were always walking on eggshells, even as a very young child. My mum left him when i was in my late 20s. I saw him once outside the court when they were doing their separation agreement, I was pregnant and don't know if he saw me or realised. My daughter was his first grandchild. The next time I saw him was on his death bed, he was comatose at that stage. So he never got to see his first grandchild. He was a truly awful, abusive person. But I missed the father I should have had. I definitely felt it when he died, and i wasn't expecting the strength of the feelings around it, given I hadn't seen him for years. There were glimpses of goodness in him, but he was just too damaged from his own childhood. He should never have had children himself. (Sorry for the offload!)