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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

It's never OK for a teacher to tell a pupil they love them, is it?

61 replies

BippityBopper · 08/12/2023 19:35

I was watching the film, Precious, on ITV X the other day...

Spolier Alert
Precious breaks down in her alternative school class and lashes out at the teacher. She comes from a background of severe sexual abuse, physical assault, and neglect. She birthed two children from her father. She'd opened up that she recently found she has HIV. She cries that nobody cares for her or loves her.

Her teacher tries to reassure a very broken Precious and tells her that her children love her, and then tells her that she (the teacher loves her). I was bawling like a baby watching this scene and I absolutely see the teacher's point of view for saying that. But in the real world, no artistic licence for a powerful film scene, it wouldn't be ok, would it? Especially because Precious is a vulnerable child.

I felt uncomfortable at the thought of any teacher telling either of my children they loved them. But the thing is, they come from a family surrounded by love. People DO love them. Would you have said it if you were Precious' teacher?

OP posts:

BCBird · 09/12/2023 20:26

It is a harrowing film I wish i had not seen. I don't even remember the teacher comment

Namerequired · 09/12/2023 20:55

My son’s teacher loves him. I think she loves all her class, she is just the type. She has only 8kids (sen class) and has taught them all between 4 and 7yrs. She was speaking to me the other day about my child and said you know I love him. My reply was I know you do. He runs into her arms in the mornings and no doubt gets a dozen cuddles a day. I love that and have no weird feelings about it. I trust her completely, well as completely as I trust anyone, and truthfully I trust very few. I’m glad he has her when he’s not with me.
Fwiw my son is very loved outside school too

CityCommuter · 09/12/2023 20:58

@capnfeathersword that's so sad... have you ever bumped into the little boy since the day he left the school or do you know if he's happy and doing well now? It must be so difficult (and good at the same time) knowing you're making a positive difference to a child's life but because it's your career the child ends up 'losing' you and other educators eventually when they have to move on to the next level of education or whatever the next step is in their lives...

capnfeathersword · 09/12/2023 21:22

@CityCommuter I keep up with what he is doing via my headteacher. Sadly he is not doing very well and has moved placement several times. It is really sad but unfortunately common. It's always difficult when you know you're making a positive difference but circumstances mean children have to move on. You can only hope the experiences they have with you give them some happy childhood memories.

Pewpewbarneymcgrew · 09/12/2023 21:24

‘Bye Miss, love you’
‘yeh, love you too, now get out my room and go home’
Me to year 9 last lesson Friday

Polom · 09/12/2023 21:29

I had a teacher tell me they loved me, we kept in contact until they died a couple of years ago and gosh was it needed at the time, was going through some truely awful home life and that big hug, that an adult cared for me in a parental way and that “well I love you” just got me through so much, still makes me cry now thinking about it.

Parapapampam · 09/12/2023 21:33

MotherofaToad · 09/12/2023 17:32

I'm a teacher and taught reception age for 4 years. Children would often tell me that they loved me and I never knew what to say back to them. I spoke to another teacher about it who said that the children were looking for reassurance from me and to tell them back that I loved them. I never felt comfortable saying that but I did.

Context is so important. Telling a child in private that you love them is very different to returning the statement to a child in public.

I now teach older kids who tell me that they hate me...

When reception aged children told me they loved me, I always responded by saying what a lovely thing for them to say, and that I thought they were wonderful too, they always seemed happy with this response even though I wasn't actually saying I loved them back.

Pythag · 09/12/2023 21:41

I believe that to teach John maths, not only must I know and love maths, I must also know and love John.

Of course, it almost never appropriate to tell a pupil you love him or her for the reasons others have said. But as a teacher you do kind of love your pupils in that you care about them and want them to be their best selves. What else is love?

MadeOfAllWork · 09/12/2023 21:53

I tell my whole class that in my room they are loved, I tell them that every morning when I tell them what we are going to do that day. I don’t want to stop doing that. I want them to know that if they aren’t feeling loved at home that someone cares for them.

Original poster

BippityBopper · 10/12/2023 10:57

Pythag · 09/12/2023 21:41

I believe that to teach John maths, not only must I know and love maths, I must also know and love John.

I really don't think you need to love a pupil to teach them something.

OP posts:

Onemoretimeok · 10/12/2023 21:22

I know and love John in the same way that I love all of my fellow humans on this planet. But I have had too many very vulnerable, needy, neglected pupils in my classes over the years, and it would have been unfair to tell them I that I love them. I’m not afraid to tell them that I care, that I want what’s best for them, but ‘love’ is not the same in my opinion or theirs! ‘Love’ is someone who will stick around no matter what, ‘love’ is someone who will put them first. And I’m their teacher and I need to model to them appropriate behaviour, boundaries and not just giving your love to the first person who gives you positive attention!

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