It's never OK for a teacher to tell a pupil they love them, is it?

[BippityBopper]

I was watching the film, Precious, on ITV X the other day...

Spolier Alert
Precious breaks down in her alternative school class and lashes out at the teacher. She comes from a background of severe sexual abuse, physical assault, and neglect. She birthed two children from her father. She'd opened up that she recently found she has HIV. She cries that nobody cares for her or loves her.

Her teacher tries to reassure a very broken Precious and tells her that her children love her, and then tells her that she (the teacher loves her). I was bawling like a baby watching this scene and I absolutely see the teacher's point of view for saying that. But in the real world, no artistic licence for a powerful film scene, it wouldn't be ok, would it? Especially because Precious is a vulnerable child.

I felt uncomfortable at the thought of any teacher telling either of my children they loved them. But the thing is, they come from a family surrounded by love. People DO love them. Would you have said it if you were Precious' teacher?

I get what you're saying but surely depending on the teacher, that may be their own human and truthful response? I'm actually a teacher now and have had children who I can honestly say that I loved. I teach ASN so often taught the same children for a number of years, I even almost became a kinship carer for one pupil and his sister as they were in foster care but were moving and they couldn't find a place for them together and we're potentially going to be separated which I know would have destroyed them. I was discussing this with their social worker as a possibility when a home together was found for them.
It's hard to describe the love I have for my pupils as it's not the same as the love I have for my own children but still comes from the same maternal place. It's definitely not a sinister or inappropriate love. I think if I taught a child who I felt that love for and felt like they needed to know it (as the girl in Precious clearly did), I wouldn't see an issue in telling them.

But you said you don't love them the same as your own children. I assume you'd do ANYTHING for your own children but not quite as much for your pupils. What would you have done if you did actually become a kinship carer and you found it was very negatively impacting your own children?

I think I'm drifting into pondering loving someone versus caring about them. I think caring has a wide spectrum. You can care about someone a little or a lot. But love is greater than that.

Separately, I see many people have been lucky enough to have had very special but innocent relationships with teachers. However, I feel with vulnerable children, there is a responsibility to teach them about keeping their wits about them. Finding or accepting "love" in dangerous places can be amplified by a teacher they respect and trust, innocently telling them they love them. The student will think this is appropriate and OK and leave them even more vulnerable to being groomed by someone with sinister intentions.

The first two paragraphs above were in response to @Dawndayda

I'm a teacher and taught reception age for 4 years. Children would often tell me that they loved me and I never knew what to say back to them. I spoke to another teacher about it who said that the children were looking for reassurance from me and to tell them back that I loved them. I never felt comfortable saying that but I did.

Context is so important. Telling a child in private that you love them is very different to returning the statement to a child in public.

I now teach older kids who tell me that they hate me...

Tricky. I have told classes I love teaching them and that they’re my favourite group in that year (if they’re my only group in that year!). Don’t think I would tell an individual child that I love them, it really isn’t appropriate.

It’s an American film and it’s a lot more normal in America than it is here to use the word ‘love’ in that kind of context, I think, eg as an expression of kindness and support, rather than romantic love and friendship.

I love the children in my class.

Not in the same way as I love my own children of course but I do love them. Of course I do.

Quite a few will tell me they love me. I'd never reply "I love you too" in return but I have said "I love all of you too, all the teachers do".

Because it's true, we do.

But you're right about boundaries, OP. Which is what you're really talking about. Vulnerable children can become very attached to anyone who shows them kindness and that makes them vulnerable to exploitation - especially those who are desperate to be loved. We can address that by telling them what we admire about them - their sense of humour, their resilience, their confidence, their inquisitiveness, their kindness, their reliability and hopefully they will begin to see their worth (beyond what they offer to someone else).

My children go to a CofE school and part of their vision statement is ‘you are loved’. The children at school say ‘the teachers love us here’. As a previous poster said, there are different types of love, not just romantic or sexual. I am a non Christian but think it’s a beautiful thing.

I didn't have children at the time so wouldn't have known the difference then but I think that there is a difference between the biological, instinctual love that I have for my children now, and the love I have for many if the children that I teach. I do think that it is still love though, it's just different.

I think you can still teach children to keep their wits about them whilst making sure they feel and know they are loved. In fact, maybe that's when it's especially important so that they can learn what love in a healthy relationship looks like. I've taught many children who have been abused and mistreated by their parents and so they think that's what love looks like. But I think for it not to be inappropriate, the context of the teacher's relationship with the child is key here. Obviously there would be situations where a teacher saying it would be completely inappropriate but I think in the context it occurs in in Precious (although it was years ago that I last saw it so apologies if I'm wrong) wouldn't necessarily be inappropriate to me.

This 100%

Sadly in our job sometimes children need to know they are loved and cared for. It may not be by their parents or family but they matter and have a positive impact on other people’s lives. Everyone deserves to be appreciated, respected and loved.
A few of these children have came back to visit me as young adults to chat. One even came to introduce his girlfriend. I may not do much in this world but knowing that I made those children feel loved and like they mattered seems of such high importance to me.

Exactly. You don't protect vulnerable children from exploitation by withholding appropriate forms of love from them, that makes them more vulnerable not less.

As teachers you absolutely do love the children you work with.

When I first started teaching at age 21 I used to get more emotionally attached than I do now as a 36yo mum of two. You learn how to manage it.

I've always worked with very disadvantaged children, some with such awful home lives and you want to show them love and let them know they are worthy of it. I tell children all day that I care about them very much and it's my job to keep them safe. Usually while they're screaming at me to fuck off, from the top of a tree or bookcase.😂

I've never told a child I loved them though, I'm not sure if I would or not. If I was teaching 'Precious' I'd be tempted. It's about the intentions behind it. The only 'love' some children ever see is from people working with them in a professional capacity.

I'm Head of a Primary school and we do say this in our school, in certain circumstances. We are a C of E school so the children understand the concept of "love" isn't just romantic love, but the love that allows to live together and take care of one another.
We have a couple of children living in horrific situations with massive developmental attachment issues, and sometimes they push away their special person - their wonderful teacher who goes above and beyond. We remind them that love and care for them will always be there for them. With certain children who have no other anchors in their life, it is necessary.

I have had children at preschool say to me that they love me.
I would reply with thank you, you are lovely.
Which I think is more appropriate.

I have told children that I care about them, but I’ve never told. A pupji

No one has explained the after bit of how telling a vulnerable child you love them as a professional working with them works from the childs POV.

Child A - unloved, neglected and on the edge of care. A attaches to the one adult that has shown them and then told them they love them. A goes home dreaming about said teacher taking them into their family and because they've never been loved/parented has no concept on what is okay in a professional relationship and what isn't. A wants the teacher to be their mum. The teacher isn't able to be their mum. The teacher can't take them home, the year group moves up to the next teacher. How do you explain that to say a 7yr old or a 12yr old who is desperate to be loved and cared for? How do you manage that awful heartbreak you crossing professional boundaries has created? You've created another abandonment trauma because you as a professional managed the situation by crossing a boundary. A boundary there for a reason.

I understand the warm maternal feelings of looking after traumatised children. That feeling of wanting to scoop them up and take them home and love them in a parental way. But that feeling also arises because you feel helpless and there aren't adults around looking after them. Of course it pulls on any person's heartstrings. But telling someone you love them in that situation is creating an even worse situation for that child in the long run. A child can know that professionals care about them and want the best for them without having imaginary worlds created in their head about an adult who will be the mum they wish they had.

I don't think it's fair to tell any child, as a teacher, that you love them.

It opens them up to a world of hurt when, as the pp just said, the year group moves on, the teacher is left behind, and the YP no longer has that relationship in their life.

Just doesn't sit right with me.

@Titicacacandle i don’t agree and I don’t think all live is long term mother child love. I think if the adult does love them it doesn’t hurt to say so.

Why don't you think it hurts the child?

It seems to me that love between pupils and teachers is very natural, and also very different from love between parents and children, or love between partners. So I don’t think it’s wrong to acknowledge it, but I do think it’s important to distinguish it from other kinds of love.

I think @GrumpyOldCrone has explained it quite clearly. Love isn’t always parent child.

Exactly this. Also not helpful for a child who’s been sexually abused.

The situation OP describes IS a parental love the teacher is expressing due to heartstrings being tugged by an unloved child to make them feel better by feeling loved by that person.

You're actively damaging children further if you do this. It's not a fair thing to do to that child at all. It's different than a religious ethos that everyone is loved, it's said in a situation where the vulnerable person is desperately sad and the expectation that the child would have after this is cruel.

I disagree @Titicacacandle

I'm a teacher and I said it once. A very damaged 6 year old I taught went into foster care and left the school. He came from a very abusive home and was removed from his family and siblings on that basis. On his last day I gave him a goodbye card and he said 'I love you' and gave me a hug , so I said I love you too. He needed to hear it.