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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I not put baby's father on the birth certificate

46 replies

zombiefred · 08/12/2023 03:26

My baby is 3 weeks old and me and dp (now ex) have had disagreements about dds surname (made a previous post about this and the majority of advice was to give dd my surname only).

So last night I text dp to tell him baby is having my surname, I text him because I was too scared to tell him in person and rightly so as he then got an Uber to my house and broke down my door and snatched dd from her crib put her in the car seat and tried to leave with her. I called the police and he put her back down and left before they got here.

My appointment to register dd birth is today and he was going to come with us and be on the birth certificate but now I’m thinking it might be best not to, especially he’s originally from abroad too.
Is it correct that if he is on the birth certificate and has parent responsibility then if he ever managed to take dd the police can’t do anything and I would need to apply to court for a child arrangement order to get her back?

OP posts:
Heyhoherewegoagain · 08/12/2023 03:37

Your understanding is correct. I believe he can apply for parental responsibility through the court, which he’ll probably threaten to,do, but he sounds like the kind of dick who won’t follow it through when he realises that with rights come responsibilities. I don’t believe he needs PR to be liable for child support but he’ll progeny the baby’s his….you can almost write the script with guys like this unfortunately

dreamygirl25 · 08/12/2023 03:39

Don't put him on the birth certificate!!!

Rougedkneesandrolledstockings · 08/12/2023 03:39

I registered my daughter by myself to ensure my abusive ex was not on the birth certificate. Given his behaviour, you need to get a police marker on your house and some alarms on your windows and doors (Women's Aid will give you them for free). Then stop giving him any information about anything. And really, stop all contact. If he's not on the birth certificate and you're not married, he will have to apply to court for parental responsibility.

Whataretheodds · 08/12/2023 03:40

Don't put him on the birth certificate and I suggest you ring the register office to change the appointment - make it earlier if you can.

Don't be afraid to call the police if he tries anything else. I'm hoping other more experienced MN can advise but you may be able to apply for a non-molestaion order?

TheSuggestedAmendment · 08/12/2023 04:33

Yes to changing the appointment, do not tell him.

He sounds awful. Why on earth would you saddle your DC with his name after that kind of behaviour?! Of course she must have your name.

RantyAnty · 08/12/2023 04:37

Yes, just your surname.

Stop telling this abusive twat anything.

Littlegoth · 08/12/2023 04:59

That must have been very scary. I hope you followed through with the call to the police. You need to get a non molestation order in place so he can’t come near you or contact you, and you need a child arrangement order stating she lives with you, and prohibited steps order to prevent him removing her like that. Get them done as emergency ex parte hearings (so he’s not notified until they’ve been done). Hope you are ok.

Rosecutting · 08/12/2023 05:08

Yes definitely your name only.
Contact Women’s Aid who will help alarm your house.
Stop giving him information. Go no contact and get him out of your life.
You really need to have nothing more to do with him.

And call the police to ask for protection

BrimfulOfMash · 08/12/2023 05:21

Bloody hell, how terrifying!

Do the police know he broke your door down?

Do not put him on the birth certificate. If he is on, he can cause all sorts of interference: block your choice of school, stop you taking her on holiday abroad, object to medical procedures….

Do not go to the Registry Office alone. I agree: try and change the appointment. Tell them why: that you expect your violent ex to intercept you there.

Ascubudr · 08/12/2023 05:27

BrimfulOfMash · 08/12/2023 05:21

Bloody hell, how terrifying!

Do the police know he broke your door down?

Do not put him on the birth certificate. If he is on, he can cause all sorts of interference: block your choice of school, stop you taking her on holiday abroad, object to medical procedures….

Do not go to the Registry Office alone. I agree: try and change the appointment. Tell them why: that you expect your violent ex to intercept you there.

This !

Sapphire387 · 08/12/2023 05:36

What did the police say when they got there, about him breaking down the door?

And WHY are you texting him telling him stuff like that? Just go and quietly register the birth, there's nothing he can do. Frankly he sounds unhinged and you need to stop involving him at all.

Any possibility of moving house?

Original poster
zombiefred · 08/12/2023 08:40

The police did come, they tried to find him but couldn't I'm not sure if they'll go to his house to speak to him but they took my statement and got a locksmith out to fix the door.
Other than the disagreement about the name which was 2 weeks ago now things have been good but then again I've only known him a year and he really showed his true colours last night which is why I’m thinking the smartest thing would be to leave him off the birth certificate so if he did ever try this again and succeeded the police can get dd off him straight away if he doesn’t have parental responsibility.

OP posts:
Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 08/12/2023 08:44

Absolutely don't take him with you and don't put him on the BC.

Other than the disagreement about the name which was 2 weeks ago now things have been good

you might as well say'apart from the teaspoon of shit in that soup it's delicious'. He's not a decent, safe person and should have minimal contact with you and especially with the baby.

CurlewKate · 08/12/2023 08:47

Move the appointment. Don't put him on the birth certificate. Don't give the baby his name. Don't contact him at all. Tell the police about every single incident, however small. Talk to Women's Aid. Get alarms on your house. Take great care. If he turns up, don't let him in under any circumstances. If you have nice neighbours tell them about it and ask them to call the police if they see him.

SkyFullofStars1975 · 08/12/2023 08:49

Why are you involving him to this degree when you don't feel safe around him?

Stop contact and let him go through the courts.

Lindy2 · 08/12/2023 08:49

Why on earth did you text him? Why deliberately ignite a volatile situation that put your baby and you at risk?

Use your surname only.

Change your appointment time to earlier and go without him. Explain to the Registry Office that you need to avoid seeing your ex there as he was violent last night. Hopefully that will enable more flexibility.

Prioritise your child and stop messaging this person.

Denimdenimdenim · 08/12/2023 08:51

My mum didn't put my father's name on my birth certificate because he turned violent when she was pregnant.

It was the best thing she did to protect us. It made life very hard for him to get parental responsibility. He obviously threatened he would take her to court for full custody without knowing how difficult it would be. He eventually gave up after countless hurdles, for the best.

Don't put his name on the certificate, OP. Hope you're okay.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/12/2023 08:51

Op, you should never, ever communicate with this man again. You must never allow him in your home or to see the baby. Do you not understand this? He is dangerous.

10HailMarys · 08/12/2023 08:53

Change the appointment, ideally to an earlier one, don’t tell him and don’t take him with you to register the birth. If he’s not there he can’t be on the birth certificate and you can give your child whatever name you want.

GreatGateauxsby · 08/12/2023 08:54

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 08/12/2023 08:44

Absolutely don't take him with you and don't put him on the BC.

Other than the disagreement about the name which was 2 weeks ago now things have been good

you might as well say'apart from the teaspoon of shit in that soup it's delicious'. He's not a decent, safe person and should have minimal contact with you and especially with the baby.

This.

I would not offer any contact.
Make him apply for it if he wants it.
I would NEVER let him have the baby unsupervised or overnight.

No sensible or reasonable person does this.
You have been warned.

Singleandproud · 08/12/2023 08:55

He sounds abusive and dangerous, leaving him off the birth certificate will give you some time but it's not a big job to get added on to it if he wants it badly enough

Whilst he isn't on it and you have some freedom I would give some serious consideration to moving out of area, potentially a deed poll name change for you and ensuring he couldn't find me and baby, I would also get baby's passport asap if you are concerned about him taking her overseas.

Someone who breaks down a door and snatched a baby is not one that I would want to coparent with and probably won't be an asset to the baby's life. Only knowing him for a year you have no idea how abusivehe can be as they often cover up their behaviour initially

billy1966 · 08/12/2023 08:57

Of course you shouldn't give the baby his name.
Can you move away?
If you can go to family do.

You have had a child with a man you didn't know.
Please wake up to protecting yourself and the baby.
He is a dangerous man and breaking down your door proves he is violent and unhinged.

OnlyFannys · 08/12/2023 09:02

Yes agree to not putting him on birth certificate and also to making sure you apply for a passport for her and keeping both that and the birth certificate somewhere safe and hidden

titchy · 08/12/2023 09:14

Other than the disagreement about the name which was 2 weeks ago now things have been good

They haven't though. You were frightened to talk to him which is why you texted. He's abusive. Think about your next steps legally - to keep him away from you.

Ardith · 08/12/2023 09:18

Do not put him on the birth certificate

There is zero chance of this man making you or your child safe or happy. The only question is how much abuse you’ll experience before you find a way to leave him and never see him again.