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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I not put baby's father on the birth certificate

46 replies

zombiefred · 08/12/2023 03:26

My baby is 3 weeks old and me and dp (now ex) have had disagreements about dds surname (made a previous post about this and the majority of advice was to give dd my surname only).

So last night I text dp to tell him baby is having my surname, I text him because I was too scared to tell him in person and rightly so as he then got an Uber to my house and broke down my door and snatched dd from her crib put her in the car seat and tried to leave with her. I called the police and he put her back down and left before they got here.

My appointment to register dd birth is today and he was going to come with us and be on the birth certificate but now I’m thinking it might be best not to, especially he’s originally from abroad too.
Is it correct that if he is on the birth certificate and has parent responsibility then if he ever managed to take dd the police can’t do anything and I would need to apply to court for a child arrangement order to get her back?

OP posts:

Cosywintertime · 08/12/2023 09:22

That is difficult to understand. If he had her in the car seat, why did he then put her back, the police would have been ages away. And why are you still calling him your dear partner, are you still in a relationship with him?

Hankunamatata · 08/12/2023 09:27

No do not put him on. If possible look at moving and don't give him new address

Haveyouanyjam · 08/12/2023 10:48

Absolutely do not put him on the birth certificate. Normally I think fathers should always be on and ideally names double barrelled where parents are not together but abuse is the exception.

If he cares enough about your child as a person and not a possession then he can go to court for access and can have supervised contact until he can demonstrate he is safe to care for your child.

My husband was not on the BC due to him not being in a relationship with the mother (and her not being honest/not knowing who the father was) but he pursued it and was granted PR and eventually a name change to double barrel (and custody though that’s another matter). It was shit he had to go through all of that when he hadn’t done anything wrong to the mother, but if someone is a danger to their child then they should have to prove they are safe to get rights.

BrimfulOfMash · 08/12/2023 16:09

How did it go, @zombiefred ?

I hope you are OK.

MissBuffyAnneSummers · 08/12/2023 16:30

He can get added to the bc at any time by going to court - giving him full parental responsibilities.

Not adding him now delays this and he might not go through with it due to the hassle. But he might so be prepared for this.

None of this prevents you for putting in for financial support.

Original poster

zombiefred · 08/12/2023 16:32

I've not spoken to him since and he's definitely an ex now but I've been texting his mum who has been lovely about it all and has told him to not contact me anymore.
And I took dd and registered her with my surname and without his name on the birth certificate.
Thank you everyone for your input.

OP posts:

heartofglass23 · 08/12/2023 16:46

Omg that is terrifying.

Co registering a birth is one of the most dangerous things a woman can do.

BrimfulOfMash · 08/12/2023 17:28

Very glad the Registration went well - well done.

It's true that if he goes to the trouble and expense he can go to court to get PR. So I really would prepare for this - partly by asking the police what they can do to keep him from coming near you, and I would take LittleGoth's advice above:

"You need to get a non molestation order in place so he can’t come near you or contact you, and you need a child arrangement order stating she lives with you, and prohibited steps order to prevent him removing her like that. Get them done as emergency ex parte hearings (so he’s not notified until they’ve been done)."

And do not, under any circumstances, tell his Mum you are doing this or seeking this sort of advice. In the end, she is his Mum. She might think she can make him behave well in order that she sees your Dd - but in the end the legal and justice system will be much better at ensuring that he stays away from you and your child than his Mum! She really cannot be trusted not to pass messages and news to him.

Talk to the ;police and Women's Aid about these steps - do you have a contact after the attack last night? (yes, it was an attack).

Also - look up the Freedom Programme, OP. You are doing your best to be a great Mum to your baby, but your willingness to talk to him about coming to the Reg Office and believe that things were good between you shows how vulnerable you are to an abusive relationship. I'm not blaming you or having a go - far from it, it's his fault not yours. Have a look at the Freedom Programme, Talk to the Police, talk to WA, and be very very careful about how much you talk to his Mum!

Promise?

MardyMcBlowdry · 08/12/2023 17:28

I think that you've made a very sensible decision OP.

FeedMeSantiago · 08/12/2023 17:29

Thank goodness you listened to advice, OP. Well done.

Even if he does go to court to get PR in the future, you've bought yourself some time in which you can make sole decisions about where you live, vaccinations etc.

You should also order your child a passport asap and keep it somewhere safe e.g. in a locked cupboard/safe or at the home of someone you trust.

Speak to Women's Aid and seek advice on protecting yourself and your baby.

EasterIssland · 08/12/2023 17:30

Glad you didn’t put him. Hope he leaves you alone now

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 08/12/2023 17:33

Please don't put too much faith in his family op. Lots and lots of dm's support their abusive ds's.. My ils faced the truth 20 years too late when their precious ds tried to punch his own dm in the face on her own doorstep.. Glad about the bc though...

Britpop123 · 08/12/2023 17:33

MissBuffyAnneSummers · 08/12/2023 16:30

He can get added to the bc at any time by going to court - giving him full parental responsibilities.

Not adding him now delays this and he might not go through with it due to the hassle. But he might so be prepared for this.

None of this prevents you for putting in for financial support.

Apart from he may not pay, and if he’s not on the BC then he won’t be forced to.

not putting him on the bc is a double edged sword, and as others have said, he can force it legally if he so chooses

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 08/12/2023 17:40

Britpop123 · 08/12/2023 17:33

Apart from he may not pay, and if he’s not on the BC then he won’t be forced to.

not putting him on the bc is a double edged sword, and as others have said, he can force it legally if he so chooses

Show quote history

Wrong britpop he can be forced to pay maintenance even if not on the birth certificate.

MissBuffyAnneSummers · 08/12/2023 17:43

@Britpop123 without getting into a debate about the effectiveness of the system - she can still put in a claim without him being on the bc and he would have to prove he wasn't the father.

BrimfulOfMash · 08/12/2023 17:44

He'll say he's not the Dad, be asked to do a DNA test, which could then give him traction to get PR.....

@zombiefred does he earn decent money? If he doesn't the maintenance could be tiny anyway.

Personally I would do all I could to avoid any contact at all, incl maintenance IF you can manage without it.

Rosecutting · 08/12/2023 22:17

“@BrimfulOfMash
Personally I would do all I could to avoid any contact at all, incl maintenance IF you can manage without it.”

This ^, op.

Get a clean break away from him.
He is violent and has potential to injure both you and your baby ! Stay safe .

Original poster

zombiefred · 09/12/2023 13:31

His mum lives abroad so there's only so much she can do and she does seem reasonable about the situation but I know for a fact her main priority is being in dds life so I'm still being careful with what I say.
Ex is a student atm so I'm not bothered about maintenance and I would guess it would be either nothing or very little.
Definitely going to look into what he could potentially do if he goes to court and what I can do to protect myself and dd I hope he doesn't bother but his step mum is a lawyer although she lives abroad too.
I don't know why but the main thing he's bothered about is her surname the very first thing he said when I told him I'm keeping the pregnancy (he wanted me to abort) was she's having his name and will not have my ex husband's surname (I still had my married name at the time but have since changed it by deed poll) but he's just so hung up on not disrespecting dad and his family name, he has a double barrel name and isn't fighting for his mums family name to be included.

@BrimfulOfMash he actually wanted a dna test from the start and even mentioned it again a few days after she was born but if he's not 100% convinced she's his why is he so bothered about her surname smh

OP posts:

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 09/12/2023 13:51

If he isn't going to be paying cms just tell him she isn't his. Seriously no dc needs lumbered with such a tosser for a df...

Cece54 · 25/07/2024 11:10

Don't put him on the birth certificate and I suggest you ring the register office to change the appointment - make it earlier if you can.

Don't be afraid to call the police if he tries anything else. I'm hoping other more experienced MN can advise but you may be able to apply for a non-molestaion order?

This... with bells on. HE WILL BE ABLE TO CONTROL YOUR ENTIRE LIFE IF HE HAS PARENTAL RESPONSIBILITY.... AND STOP CONSULTING HIM

MissBuffyAnneSummers · 25/07/2024 11:15

Your understanding is correct. But be aware that he can take you to court to be added to the birth certificate.

TBH you are doing the right thing. With his violent and threatening behaviour you need to stop all contact and all updates and block him. You need to protect yourself and your child. Every threat report to the police. Keep a record of everything.

Let him take you to court. He wont do that.

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