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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH has spent the car fund

36 replies

Farmwifefarmlife · 07/12/2023 23:55

Hi first time poster bit unsure how to start. DH have 2 DC and our marriage since the youngest 1 has been rocky. My car recently got damaged it has no working airbags, gauges on the front, fuel gauge ect. We only have 1 car oldest DC is at school and I’ve been struggling to get her there I thought we were going to look at cars this weekend but DH has spent the money. I currently have Zero money as my business has been struggling while on maternity also. I realise I’ve made a terrible financial mistake and I’m going to do everything I can next year to never be in this position again but DH has spent the car fund and I’m stuck I feel so hurt and like me and DC are his last priorities. He says the car if fine to drive but I feel it isn’t safe AIBU?
also waiting for the insurance but my excess is high and they haven’t yet valued the car so I don’t know what I’ll receive.

OP posts:
Elieza · 07/12/2023 23:57

You can’t drive it if it’s not insured. I’m not sure if it is or if it’s written off? Make sure the money comes to you not DH. You can’t drive it without a working Speedo.

What did he spend the car fund money on?

Codlingmoths · 07/12/2023 23:59

You cannot drive a car if it is not roadworthy (speed gauge needed for this) or if it is not insurable. Does he have a car? What does he use it for? I wouldn’t stay with a man who thought his partner and child should just get around in an un roadworthy car while he’s alright Jack.

Original poster
Farmwifefarmlife · 08/12/2023 00:02

The car is still insured it’s not classed as written off but I’ve had very little contact with the insurance people it’s the first time I’ve ever claimed so unsure how long it takes or the procedure to be honest. I have said this but he seems unfazed. He spent it on something that’s half business related but half a toy If that makes sense he also borrowed a chunk of money of his mom to add to the fund to be able to buy it! All news to me I’m just feeling very hurt. Thanks for your reply.

OP posts:
Original poster
Farmwifefarmlife · 08/12/2023 00:04

Thank you no he doesn’t have a car, he has a lorry and has bought a second spare lorry basically with the money. I feel it’s something that could of waited and a car is more urgent than a second “spare” lorry I’m just very hurt and upset I think it’s just the icing on the cake to be honest.

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 08/12/2023 00:24

I’m sure more people will be on in the morning to reassure you you are feeling totally as expected! I’d want his mum to know he has left you without a safe car while he’s off buying extra lorries. I hope doing all the shopping etc is on him.

Original poster
Farmwifefarmlife · 08/12/2023 09:00

Thank you, I’m just feeling hurt I guess.

OP posts:
Eleganz · 08/12/2023 09:03

What is the lorry for? Is he self-employed?

pickledandpuzzled · 08/12/2023 09:04

Farmwifefarmlife · 08/12/2023 09:00

Thank you, I’m just feeling hurt I guess.

Don’t feel hurt, feel enraged that he has left you unsafe. Ask MiL and him to help get the DC to school while you prioritise your business as he clearly can’t be trusted with joint money.

Start getting involved in finance stuff. Make sure you know where the money is, how the insurance works etc.

I’m guessing from your name there’s an element of everything being done through business- farm business?

Original poster
Farmwifefarmlife · 08/12/2023 13:28

Thank you, you are right I’ve got my self into a terrible financial situation DH very much controls the finances I do have my own small business but since DC it’s been hard DHs business definitely is his top priority. I’d understand more I guess if he actually had some money I still manage to pay 50% of everything and DH never has any money left over. Yea we farm on a small scale and DH has a lorry he does hauling ect but it never seems to pay.

OP posts:
Original poster
Farmwifefarmlife · 08/12/2023 13:29

Yes, haulage mainly moving equipment ect

OP posts:
Headband · 08/12/2023 13:33

Who on earth needs a 'spare' lorry? Unless he's going to employ someone to drive it and bring in extra money, I'd make him sell it.

FlibbedyFlobbedyFloo · 08/12/2023 13:35

Looks to me like financial abuse. I think you need to leave him

LIZS · 08/12/2023 13:41

So he sells a lorry. Your car would not pass mot with missing dash display. Is it fixable?

pickledandpuzzled · 08/12/2023 14:28

So you pay 50% of the bills and do all the childcare?

How are you housed? Do you have any choices? Do you have family you could go to, if push came to shove?

Original poster
Farmwifefarmlife · 08/12/2023 16:48

It’s not road worthy it’s a spare for our lorry for parts both lorries are old 2003 reg.

OP posts:
Original poster
Farmwifefarmlife · 08/12/2023 16:51

Yes I do , I’ve managed to get little one a space a day a week at a childminder I’ve told DH he is to pay and if I can up it to two days a week we pay a day each as I fund the children completely. We rent of a estate my business is here and I’ve spent a lot here all though I’d like to downsize now as it’s very run down and I’m tired of the constant grid to be honest. I have no family only child I have my dad he lives local but is quite elderly now.

OP posts:
RandomButtons · 08/12/2023 16:55

Totally missing the point, is your business actually making money op? Is his?

This all sound very tough for you, and you 100% need a safe car to drive over a spare parts lorry.

Daphnis156 · 08/12/2023 16:58

He sounds an idiot and you come over as disorganised.

Original poster
Farmwifefarmlife · 08/12/2023 16:59

Yes it has done last year I made 22k profit at the moment I’m slightly struggling but next year by spring things should have really improved I’m still paying my 50% of everything but I think Dec DH will have to for the very first time cover my half of the rent. His does also but he’s bad with money I think as he never seems to have any I have little to no idea what he actually makes. It’s really tough and to be honest I’m over it now I’m only 28 and feel life is a constant grind with no benefits in my eyes.

OP posts:
DaughterNo2 · 08/12/2023 16:59

Farmwifefarmlife · 08/12/2023 00:02

The car is still insured it’s not classed as written off but I’ve had very little contact with the insurance people it’s the first time I’ve ever claimed so unsure how long it takes or the procedure to be honest. I have said this but he seems unfazed. He spent it on something that’s half business related but half a toy If that makes sense he also borrowed a chunk of money of his mom to add to the fund to be able to buy it! All news to me I’m just feeling very hurt. Thanks for your reply.

So how long ago was the accident? When did the insurers pick the car up?

Original poster
Farmwifefarmlife · 08/12/2023 17:00

Yes you’re right I probably am disorganised am it’s only now that I realise that, something to definitely work on for next year.

OP posts:
Original poster
Farmwifefarmlife · 08/12/2023 17:01

Monday, they are yet to pick it up I’ve been told the middle of next week someone is coming to assess the car.

OP posts:
HamsterBanana · 08/12/2023 17:02

So basically your driving road unworthy car? While he's brought a second lorry he doesn't need?

It's simple here. Sell the lorry.

2jacqi · 08/12/2023 17:17

@Farmwifefarmlife whose car money was it? did it come from your business before birth of baby??? will car ever pass MOT so you can get insurance on it to drive it again?? if car is written off who will get the money from insurance company, you or hubby??? He sounds like a typical farmer! all mine, all mine!!! god help you.

KTheGrey · 08/12/2023 17:34

Where did the car fund come from? Was it joint savings?

I am not surprised you are fed up, with a husband who seems not to care about you are his children being able to get around safely.

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