Reception child, summer-born, suspected ADHD, very smart...regret not deferring?

[Sandrine1982]

Really struggling with DD who started reception in September. We briefly considered deferring her (based on her DOB, late august but her due date was actually September 2nd, 2019). However her nursery said she was more than ready to start school, based on her social and "academic" skills (super chatty, friends with everyone, eager to learn, gravitating towards older kids because she was always bored with children her age or younger).

As an aside, I've always struggled with her boundless energy. She's just too much. Really exhausting. I love her to bits, but since she was born I've struggled to cope. I had post-natal depression for 2-3 years after birth, got some help and things got a bit better when DD's sleep improved but I still feel like I'm drowning sometimes....often....

Anyway in September DD started reception. It was very exciting. Outstanding school, lovely set-up, nice teachers. But of course, it's 28 kids per class, and the novelty wears off quickly. The complaints have started coming in. DD is "not listening", doesn't make "good learning choices", can't sit still for 5 minutes, etc etc.

Tea time club is even worse, by 3pm she is exhausted so all she can do is make animal noises and roll on the floor. I try to finish work early so I can pick her up as early as possible but it's not always easy. I've been trying to adjust my working hours so I can cancel tea-time club and pick her up straight after school. Dad has also been trying really hard to be more present but he works longer hours so can't always be home during the week to spend more quality time with her.

We just don't know what to do. It's negatively impacting our relationship. It's negatively impacting our DD and her confidence. She thinks she's naughty every day, and it's her fault...

We don't even know what the process is if we wanted to pull her out of school, put her back in nursery, and start reception again in September. Is it even possible? But: Will she be the same? Or even worse, because she will be bored, still hyperactive, but bored of learning the content she already knows?

Anyway. Just having a bit if a rant .. needing a hand-hold I suppose... thanks for reading this far...

I think the standout thing here is she thinks she’s naughty every day and it’s her fault. That’s no good for her long term imo, and as you say you suspect ND and she’s summer born… I’d defer.

I don’t see why you can’t pull her out of school as she is only 4. It isn’t required until the term in which they have their 5th birthday, or directly after if summer born.

It will also buy you and your DH time to adjust your working hours to better support a young child. Many KS1 children without ADHD often cannot put in very long days of school plus after school/tea time clubs. They need that downtime at home. Most parents change their schedules so one will start late to do the school run before work, and the other will have an early start to do the school run at home time.

It's my understanding that you could defer but she might have to start in year one in September rather than being able to do reception again. And reception does generally try to prepare children for year one so I wouldn't opt for this.

Instead I'd ask for a meeting with the school senco to discuss what the school can do to support your daughter and ask about a referral for an assessment for ADHD. Most areas there is a waiting list for diagnosis so it's good to get the ball rolling, and school can help make the referral.

IMO reception is a huge learning curve for many, many, MANY children (and so is yr1 if I’m honest). I do not think a term in reception is representative of her readiness to start school, and I’d be very surprised if she’s the only child in the class struggling. You probably just don’t hear about them.

What I would consider is different after school provision for her so ease up her day. I get it’s difficult – DH and I work FT too. Is there a child minder available for pick ups so she can go into a home setting? Could you afford a nanny a couple of times a week so she’s not in after school club as often?

I don’t think it’s uncommon for many children to really accept the school routine until yr 2, when they have been through several cycles of the big change and higher expectations.

And, if I’m honest, if she’s that disrupted and dysregulated (or is the teacher perhaps exaggerating?) the school should be offering additional provision to support her.

Super smart, gravitates to older kids, eager to learn.

You may help with some things by deferring, but you will potentially create a new set of issues.

I think there is a faceook group for deferring summer born kids. They may be able to help with the restarting reception question.

Is the naughty coming from school or tea club? Is there a childminder who might have a space after school? Might a different environment there help?

I would have a chat with school in the first instance and make sure the teachers are making a fair assessment. She is a whole 12 months younger than some of the others in her class. She has only had 75% of the time in the world that they have had. Perfectly natural for any very young child to struggle to sit still. They should be playing not sitting still for a long time. I wouldn’t necessarily pull her out but they don’t sound the best school

Some things that are worth thinking about:

The complaint that she isn't listening - might be worth getting her hearing checked especially if it hasn't been done recently or at all as many kids that age have issues with bunged up ears/glue ear which if found can be sorted.

Ditto for eye test.

For the won't sit still thing - this is usually at least three or four kids in a class. There's some standard solutions - wobble cushion is the easiest one - this gives her something to sit on which gives her sensory feedback and is a bit less boring. Most schools have a few floating around ks1.

Thanks so much everyone for your feedback. Just a quick reply to some of the points:

• the sitting still bit - the teacher assured me they don't ask the kids to sit still for long periods. It's usually "carpet time" for 5-10 minutes max. But it seems like she struggles with that. She likes to interrupt, stand up, fidget, touch other kids etc
• I am part of the summer born FB group, but I had to mute them for my own sanity. I don't always share their views of school system, education and the world generally.
• Definitely agree with trying something other than tea time club. There are too many kids there and it's too overwheling for DD. But the complaints come from the school too.

I would agree with looking for different after school provision, maybe you could find someone to take her home and look after her,she's most likely reached saturation point with school.
Also it would be a good idea to sit down and talk about your concerns with the staff, you absolutely don't want her to be thinking that she's naughty,

Its not too late to take her out and put her back in reception next year. She does sound too young. I have deferred my summer born son and he's in reception this year and doing really well. I think last year it would have been a different story. Theres a facebook group "flexible admissions for summer borns" and the people on there can definitely help advise you. I've seen this happen before to other members on the group and they've managed to still defer if they wish to.

Absolutely agree that we need to talk to the teachers. I don't think they use the word "naughty" though- DD is probably extrapolating from the times this word escaped me and DH ... although we try hard never to use this word.
I'm pretty sure the school staff don't say it.
But they reprimand a lot, because every evening when I ask her, poor thing she starts saying "I didn't listen ... again... all my fault... every day I'm not listening"

I have two sons with ADHD and understand this scenario. My oldest always seemed very emotionally and behaviourally immature, so repeating reception year seemed a good choice. However, it just made him even more self conscious and uncomfortable at school. He is now an adult and with the benefit of hindsight, I can tell you that it was down to the individual class teacher whether he had an ok year at school. Some teachers are much better than others at bringing out the best in children with attention difficulties. My younger son did two days a week in reception and three days at a private day nursery.

It would be a good idea to get some independent advice on what school should be putting in place. Ask your local authority which service advises parents with children showing signs of having additional needs.

Consider a childminder for after-school care. You might even find one with experience of additional needs/ADHD. Alternatively, you might find someone who will mind her in her own home after-school.

Same situation as you (last year). Summer born, was meant to be born in October (was born 11 weeks early), so was actually 3 years 9 months when started school, compared to children born normally who were then turning 5 in September.
It really does make a difference.
Didn't defer and honestly he would have grown out of nursery. He was ok in reception but year 1 has been a nightmare!
My son is ND, suspected ASD/ADHD. Gets extremely tired, cannot attend any clubs. Due to ND, school is able to make adaptations for him. So he snacks whenever he likes during the day as he gets extremely hungry and irritated if he is hungry. They have a quiet space for when he does get overwhelmed.
You need to arrange a meeting with the school to see what they deem the problem as and if they can provide some support to make her settle in

her nursery said she was more than ready to start school, based on her social and "academic" skills (super chatty, friends with everyone, eager to learn, gravitating towards older kids because she was always bored with children her age or younger).

I agree with @FallingAutumnLeaf that you would be creating a whole host of other issues, by putting her back a year - that's even if the school were willing to accept that request - not many will.

I also agree with so much of what @Didimum has said. Huge numbers of Reception children are struggling at this time of year. But of course you won't hear about them.

It is ALWAYS worth getting hearing checked before anything else, if a child is struggling in school or Nursery.

Her hearing seems fine ... but very selective hearing. Sometimes I have to say her name 10 times before she looks at me. Other times, she listens to something that she focuses on, and she can hear it even if it's very quiet. But I will get her hearing checked... definitely

She sounds like DS who is now 6 and hopefully going to be assessed for ADHD soon.

For carpet time, a small fidget toy she can keep in her pocket might be a good idea. She can fiddle with that rather than poke or touch other kids. Fiddling with something may also help her concentrate if she has ADHD (or so I have read).

DS responds well to being given jobs to do round the classroom if he is losing focus. She could hand things out or collect things in. It may give her a sense of achievement to be asked to help too.

Breaks for extra physical activity are also good. If the school could organise sensory circuits before or during school, or even breaks to do some dancing maybe, that might help burn energy and help her concentrate. Probably all the class could benefit from a bit of extra exercise anyway.

I'd research ADHD and push for an assessment. The school can put things in place without a diagnosis but diagnosis helps.
It is so much more than hyperactivity.

Also if she's becoming self-aware and thinking she's naughty it's honestly better in my opinion to explain to your child that they're not naughty but that paying attention and listening just isn't something that they're good at and something that you want to help them with. And remind them of what they are good at and explain we all have different skills and weaknesses. I have had this chat with my boy.

It is possible to pull her out and start again next year in reception and I think it sounds like you definitely need to do that. The flexible admissions group on Facebook that you've muted will have more authoritative info than posters on Mumsnet. You would need to find a nursery that will take her. The FB group can advise more on what to do with regard to the school.

I was coming on to say the same as @nutbrownhare15 if it helps I also have an august born child I'm currently in the process of delaying school start also a part of the FB group you mention above and whilst I don't have hugely strong views on children not attending school by X age and we really weighed the pros and cons hard finally deciding for our particular child she'll be better equipped at 5. I have found the group really helpful and informative. They'll be able.to advise on things like if it's too late to now have her nursery funded etc, I'd even just give the group a search and see if others have experienced similar.

Mine is exactly the same, I didn't defer her. For the first year she had a lot of meltdowns due to tiredness from the social effort.

Now she is year 5, can cope with it, and is very happy / popular. She still needs a lot more sleep than her siblings, I assume because of the extra mental effort from socialising, but she has a lovely close knit friend group, despite her being the youngest by a good 8 months (!!)

She is still fairly bored by the work and finds it way too easy so would have struggled to stay focused if I'd held her back.

There's no good solution really, I think we've been lucky with her friend group in her year, and there are other ND kids in her class.

My poor adhders summer born dc used to fall asleep come 1pm everyday. We didn't have option to defer. I'd have a chat with teacher and discuss deferring. If she went to school nursery you may not get her back in and have to look at private daycare

Arrange a meeting with the school senco to discuss what's going on and your concerns (and hers, bless her).

Is she similar at home?

Any support/adjustments she may benefit from.are based on need rather than having any kind of official diagnosis. It sounds like she may benefit from an OT assessment to help with this, so that's worth looking in to - in most areas you can self refer.

Start gathering evidence now for if/when you decide to look at a formal assessment. I'm currently doing battle with our local ND team to try and get my son assessed now rather than waiting until the arbitrary 6 years old at which they will then accept a referral, as I have reports from 6 different professionals plus school that all support an ADHD assessment

A friend of DS repeated reception year, so that can be an option. Rather than your DD feeling "naughty", you need to ask school what they are doing to support her with her additional needs, ask them for a plan.

Do everything you can to defer. This is only going to bug you more and more in in a few months it will be too late to defer.

i deferred two of mine and I’m so so grateful I could. It counts more as they get older and not less

Just as an alternative view, my autistic/adhd DD hated reception. It was tol unstructured and chaotic for her. We powered on through and once she hit the far more structured year 1 she settled right down. It might just be that year R is never going to suit her and prolonging it by repeating it is going to solve nothing. Its also the time of year that behaviour is an issue as they are just so tired.