Reception child, summer-born, suspected ADHD, very smart...regret not deferring?

[Sandrine1982]

Really struggling with DD who started reception in September. We briefly considered deferring her (based on her DOB, late august but her due date was actually September 2nd, 2019). However her nursery said she was more than ready to start school, based on her social and "academic" skills (super chatty, friends with everyone, eager to learn, gravitating towards older kids because she was always bored with children her age or younger).

As an aside, I've always struggled with her boundless energy. She's just too much. Really exhausting. I love her to bits, but since she was born I've struggled to cope. I had post-natal depression for 2-3 years after birth, got some help and things got a bit better when DD's sleep improved but I still feel like I'm drowning sometimes....often....

Anyway in September DD started reception. It was very exciting. Outstanding school, lovely set-up, nice teachers. But of course, it's 28 kids per class, and the novelty wears off quickly. The complaints have started coming in. DD is "not listening", doesn't make "good learning choices", can't sit still for 5 minutes, etc etc.

Tea time club is even worse, by 3pm she is exhausted so all she can do is make animal noises and roll on the floor. I try to finish work early so I can pick her up as early as possible but it's not always easy. I've been trying to adjust my working hours so I can cancel tea-time club and pick her up straight after school. Dad has also been trying really hard to be more present but he works longer hours so can't always be home during the week to spend more quality time with her.

We just don't know what to do. It's negatively impacting our relationship. It's negatively impacting our DD and her confidence. She thinks she's naughty every day, and it's her fault...

We don't even know what the process is if we wanted to pull her out of school, put her back in nursery, and start reception again in September. Is it even possible? But: Will she be the same? Or even worse, because she will be bored, still hyperactive, but bored of learning the content she already knows?

Anyway. Just having a bit if a rant .. needing a hand-hold I suppose... thanks for reading this far...

Pull her out and defer her.

Agree with others re she's not required to be in school yet. Could you give her regular days off school to recover and rest at home? She sounds like she needs physical exercise and mental peace! Is there any way you could walk her to school or find her a gymnastics/football/ dance club she could go to several times a week?
Do you have a family member who could help with pickups etc? A relaxed grandma type after school might help so she can just loll about and offload. It is exhausting starting school - my NT DC both found the first term really hard but they could come home straight after which definitely helped.
We had help from a retired nursery nurse who picked them up and brought them home for a couple of hours- godsend! You could share with a friend to keep costs down?

Agree with this tbh- she'll be much better off in future years as oldest rather than youngest, unless she really is so advanced that she'd be bored - not many kids this would apply to though really!

Sounds to be like ASD and ADHD.
School need to put a support plan in place. With achievable targets. It's a shame it wasn't flagged at nursery so transitional funding could have been applied for so an extra member of staff could have come in to help support your DD for the reception year.
Lots of neurodiverse children struggle with reception as so many transitions and lots of free play. Year one will be better as far more structured (IMO anyway having gone through this) btw OP it did get easier for my DD. The teacher reported she tried so hard, but struggled to sit still.

Sensory breaks could be useful here too. My reception 1:1 who I work with in the classroom enjoys water. Playdough sometimes but mostly water. He has his own individual timetable and safe place to go when he's overwhelmed.

Timers help with transition too.

It really sounds like the class teachers don't understand additional need/ neurodiversity at all

I have two daughters. One is 18 and has ADHD. She was one of the youngest in her year and I didn't defer her as she was bright and it didn't seem necessary. It was a huge mistake as she struggled with school when she started and it was a complete nightmare.

My youngest is 4 and I've deferred her. She is also the youngest in the year and she's showing a lot of the same traits so I'm erring on the side of caution. Both my girls were horrendous around tea time, tiredness manifesting as bouncing about like lunatics and unable to string sentences together.

On the plus side, my eldest is now at university and is excelling in life. ☺ She has her challenges but she is just lovely.

If she has adhd being the oldest rather than the youngest is unlikely to make loads of difference. I Was one of the oldest and still my parents got the same comments from teachers that you get. I was also very bright and was actually quite bored and struggled to connect with many of the kids in my year. I was much happier the terms I spent in reception with the year above where I was the youngest (old staggered start system with different cut off dates). Also thinking about the other end of schooling I would have really resented my parents if they had deferred me, meaning I had to spend another year at school when i could have left and be getting on with my life. I totally lost interest in school in my last year. I would have done so much better as the youngest in the year.

all kids are different but the middle class obsession with making sure their kid is the oldest so they can come out on top academically baffles me. It’s not like every kid in the class except one is born in September or October, there’s the full range of ages. Lots of kids will be struggling in the first term of reception for all sorts of reasons. If you had deferred her in the first place that one thing (a mostly unnecessary thing, but something) but to pull her out now and restart may actually just cause more issues. I’ve only ever met one kid (who didn’t have severe SEN) that I thought probably should have been deferred, but it wasn’t an option when my kids were young. That kid was born on the last day of august, was very small for their age and young in their ways, struggled academically, nothing specific wrong, just found it really hard to pick things up, wasn’t reliably toilet trained and all their friends at nursery were from the year below, struggled to make friends in their own year as they just appeared so much younger in every way. That child would have benefitted from being differed at 4, but tbh by 6 or 7 even they were ok.

the best thing to do would be to carry on with school but reduce the time she spends in after school club. That’s a really long day for a little one, it’s good you’re trying to change your work day so you can get her from school but if you can’t I would look into a child minder so at least she can unwind in a calmer more homely environment. Staying on for an after school club every day of the week would be too much for many 4 year olds.

I agree... the same problems will exist next year this sounds like an adhd issue. Also I would be worried about the message that it gives to her, why is she leaving school .. she already recognises that she is being treated differently. She needs a lot more support at school...request a meeting urgently. And the afterschool is a lot for a 4 year old. Hope u get sorted.

Problem is you could pull her out (and what childcare would you have?) and face exactly the same issues next year. I’d think about a childminder instead of after school club as they are a bit chaotic (all 3 of mine went). I had a summer born (August) child and he was absolutely fine in reception, my March born child struggled more. I would speak to school about ways of helping her focus / sit still but she’s very young still and I bet she’s not the only one they are saying doesn’t sit still.

It could be all the things people have already said (everyone says hearing but it’s pretty unlikely given all the other things you state), but quite frankly it could be the school/class teacher not doing their job, some schools are just better at this than others. I speak from bitter experience where I had to change schools in year 1 as the school was failing my summer born son (who later went on to get an ADHD diagnosis and is also likely ASD.) It’s probably too early to tell for you but do keep this in mind - my son went from a miserable little boy to absolutely thriving and happy (albeit with still a range of challenges, particularly social) within one term. Never be scared to follow your gut and change schools if you need to, it was the best (and most anguished!) decision I ever made.

OP my DD14 has adhd and ASD.
Your DD sounds very similar.

If you can afford private assessment for speed then go for it, it might be medication on school days would be good. My DD was then able to sit still and focus.

I'd also say move to a childminder for after school care. Large classes etc are overwhelming she needs decompression time.

Jesus she doesn’t sound like she has ASD…there is no suggestion in OP’s post about any social issues for one thing. She’s only just turned 4 and she doesn’t like sitting still. This is completely normal for her age.

She may not be ready for school yet but that doesn’t mean she is ND. I’d speak to the school and ask what they would suggest to support her. I would also find alternative after school care. I didn’t even contemplate sending my NT May born DS (who had been at nursery) to the after school club because I knew he would be exhausted and would prefer to chill out at home. All the reception age kids I know who went to the ASC hated it.

When they’ve been to nursery it’s easy to underestimate what a big adjustment school can be, and there is a huge difference between just turned 4 and nearly 5 in terms of ability to cope with that.

Talk to teatime club. Both mine were summer born super bright sen children and they only did mornings for the first term. They were exhausted by lunchtime and slept all afternoon. She sounds wired. Can you ask tea time club to create a cosy quiet place where she can sleep if she needs to, rather than feel pressured to sit up and have a snack or join in craft and games.

At home, do as little as possible. No stimulation, lots of quiet contact - cuddles, very easy tea, bath time, stories etc.

In terms of ADHD - where are you in the referral/diagnoses process? If she is referred but awaiting assessment the school should begin to make adjustments in line with helping her to learn in the most effective way.

Ask if you can meet with the teacher and the SENCO for the school, ask them to try different methods to find things that may suit. E.g. a 5 minute 'burn off' session running in the playground before circle time. Or a fidget toy when having circle time etc. trial and error, change it if it loses novelty.

They can't keep all their methods the same and complain that the result is the same.

Regards rolling on the floor making animal noises, surely that isn't much of an issue for them? My son does this also, he's just left to it, he needs to get something out of him and go rogue after a long day of school, it's not hurting anyone... obviously if the afterschool club has an issue with it then a minder may be better for after school

I know this is a few months old now, but have things gotten better?

I’d say give it time - she is so young in the year group and reception can be a real culture shock for so many children. One of my dc hated reception and found it exhausting which really surprised me as their siblings had loved it, I was very worried at one point as he just wouldn’t listen… he’s now in year two and has come on in leaps and bounds in the last 12 months. Wait and watch isn’t always a bad thing.

Ds is 16yo, and has ADHD and ASD and is a summer baby, plus had bad glue ear.

His reception was difficult, and year 1 a bit better.
I really would have deferred him if it had been an option then. I reckoned he was about ready for school at Easter in year 1.

However now he's 16yo, I'm confident that it would have ultimately have been the wrong decision to defer him. He's got reasonable results, a nice group of friends, and I'm sure that he would have got both bored, and found socially it harder in the year below. Although he wasn't mature at 4yo, he's about right now. I think he'd be getting very frustrated if he'd been deferred.

Hi,

Just wonder how your little girl was getting on? We are in a similar situation with our summer born dd, she struggles with staying still for work and listening but she is academically very advanced so I was worried deferring could make things worse as she wont be challenged work wise, we're doing a reduced timetable at the moment with extra work being sent home and being set in class but really considering home schooling for a year or two

I've only read OP posts so sorry if I repeat anything.

I have 2 boys with ADHD who are top of their classes (literally - in this country they mark out of 20 and then rank the children according to their averages per subject and overall averages). They are very clever and weren't diagnosed for ages because their intelligence helped them compensate at school (though they were extremely difficult at home).

If she is bright (and she sounds it) then holding her down a year will not solve the problem. Children with ADHD hate boring repetitive exercises. Once they have understood a concept/lesson they find it very hard to just keep doing more exercises to show that they know their long division or whatever. They need new challenges.

I would persue a referral for a diagnosis and in the meantime ask for some adjustments at school, like being able to use a fidget toy or regular breaks to move.

One of my Dses was used as an assistant in class handing out the paper etc. So was always walking about. The other one is currently his teacher's messenger so gets to go out of class every so often to move around the school.

Oops didn't look at the date 🤦‍♀️

You might find your DD can handle the sitting still etc if you can cut the time at ASC - its definitely too much for a lot of reception kids

I would also be aware, there's a real range of reasonableness of expectations of reception teachers. Lots sensibly tolerate a degree of fidgeting etc - these children are 4! An "outstanding" school may be pushing for exceptional academics, these schools often achieve this by being frankly unwelcoming of kids who don't fit their mould.

How is your DD coping with:

• reading/writing
• maths
• social skills/interaction with peers (turn taking, communication etc)
• personal independence: clothing, toileting, eating

I get irritated when people attribute too much to fidgeting, struggling to listen etc. Great teachers a) incorporate movememt breaks to help younger ones b) make it really engaging and interactive so they don't tune out.

These kids are 4 and 5, i guarantee yours isnt the only one with ants in pants. My DS y1 teacher told me he had a tendency to fidget/chat on carpet but then immediately reassured me that most of the boys in the class did & it was typical for age.

He does well in school & outgrew it.