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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go out so often??

60 replies

LG123 · 07/12/2023 21:18

Either my mum sits or I have a regular babysitter who I've used for 2 years.

I tend to go out twice a week, I'm a lone parent with no father involvement to 2 children.

Both a usually in bed by the time I go out (not all) but everyone that sees me seems to think I should be at home 24 fecking 7 and I'm sick to the back teeth of the judgy comments and opinions - ARE YOU LOOKING AFTER MY CHILDREN? NO! SO KEEP YOUR FUCKING OPINIONS TO YOURSELF AND MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS.

OP posts:
fishfingersandchipsagain · 07/12/2023 21:52

I expect the people making the comments don’t understand what is le to be a single parent. Most parenting couples:

a) get to trade off who gets some time away, even if that is just piping to the supermarket while the other stays with the kids
b) to an extend they are each others social life. Someone at home to chat to over a glass of wine

I’m not a single parent, but I have enough empathy to understand that it is harder.

ProfessionalCornflake · 07/12/2023 21:59

I'm a single mum and very envious! I'm lucky that I have my DCs father involved so often get a night off per week or usually per fortnight. If I could have more, I absolutely would. I think @fishfingersandchipsagain has hit the nail on the head. When you are alone with kids it's draining, there's no other adult to provide any interaction/social time or just bounce off, and it can be isolating and stifling. If the kids are sleeping/getting ready for bed then you aren't exactly missing out on any activities or special moments anyway and you've got every other night to 'bond' or whatever people are concerned about, so IMO crack on! One of my DC has ASD and anxiety so wouldn't be comfortable left with a babysitter though I'm hoping to find one we can eventually get to know and trust. He'll be left with my mum or his dad but the times they are free and willing is very limited.

Jessforless · 07/12/2023 22:02

I’m out for work or go out with DH or my friends 2/3 nights a week… I know you said you’re single parent but I don’t get how it’s different. If they’re in bed or with family and it makes no difference to them, what’s the big deal?

Original poster
LG123 · 07/12/2023 22:03

@Stressfordays hard isn't it, when I'm on placement I do the same 3 x 12hr.

Thank you pp's, I don't think a lot of people realise how hard being a lone parent is.... Never really thought of the '100%' thing either!

OP posts:
Original poster
LG123 · 07/12/2023 22:04

@Jessforless because apparently I don't deserve it 🙄the stick you get as a single parent is unreal.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 07/12/2023 22:08

Riverstep · 07/12/2023 21:42

If the two nights are weekends - Fridays and Saturdays then yes I think yabu. The weekends are generally when parents get the best quality time with their kids.

But they're mostly in bed. What quality time is she getting sat downstairs whilst they sleep?

QueenBitch666 · 07/12/2023 22:08

It's definitely jealousy and sexist expecting you to stay home 24/7
No one bats an eye when blokes are off out getting pissed leaving the women at home looking after the kids.
I bet you're doing an amazing job with your kids. Good on ya 👌

SilverSunlight · 07/12/2023 22:09

Have had this exact situation for years, my son goes to his dads every second weekend so I go out and enjoy myself and the amount of comments like “you’re never in” etc. it’s laughable.

I genuinely believe most of them are said with a hint of jealousy but no one knows what’s truly going on in any one else’s lives. Aslong as you and your children are happy and safe, forget everyone else 🫶🏼

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 07/12/2023 22:09

I think it's good for people mentally to have more than one focus in their life.

In my experience, people whose lives, are totally focused on thrid kids/partner/work or one hugely focused area are the unhappiest.

Yes, your kids who be your priority in life but not to the point that you don't have an outlet outside your role as a mother.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/12/2023 22:11

Agree it's a mixture of martyrdom and jealousy.

Oh I'd never go out and leave my children alone (with a safe adult) because I like to stare at them whilst they sleep or sit contemplatively down stairs thinking only of them and what sacrifice I can make to show my love!!!

OR

I never get a night off, why do you get so many when they're Dad isn't even around! How dare you get so much love and support off people!!

gherkinmerkinn · 07/12/2023 22:14

So stop telling judgey fuckers your social plans then?

It's none of their business. Why are you telling people who give you 'stick' what your social plans are?

Don't expect arseholes to validate your choices - they won't.

Learn to validate yourself.

Fionaville · 07/12/2023 22:19

As you're asking, I think it's too often. But you do you.

samqueens · 07/12/2023 22:39

I’m so shocked that over half of respondents think you are being unreasonable!! I would love to know what percentage of those people are single/lone parents…

I don’t think you’re unreasonable in the least (am assuming you’re compos mentis when you get home!) I also think, if you’ve never had to parent alone, you really have no concept of how relentless and draining it is. Far, far better 2 nights out a week as a regular pressure release, than complete burn out (which is really easy to get to really fast).

Pay absolutely zero attention to those people with the snide comments - better still try to avoid them completely if they are turning your ‘me time’ toxic.

It’s a marathon not a sprint - do what you can, and need, to do in order to hang in for the long haul. Even better, show your children as they get older that self care should not be bottom of anyone’s ‘to do’ list! 👏🏻

Original poster
LG123 · 07/12/2023 22:52

@QueenBitch666 it is mostly men 🙌🏻

OP posts:
Original poster
LG123 · 07/12/2023 22:53

@gherkinmerkinn that's the sad thing about living in a small town...

OP posts:
Original poster
LG123 · 07/12/2023 22:54

@Fionaville such a martyr 😘

OP posts:
Fionaville · 08/12/2023 00:14

LG123 · 07/12/2023 22:54

@Fionaville such a martyr 😘

Why ask, then insult anyone who answers honestly?
I'm hardly a martyr, I just partied hard before I settled down, so now I'm happy to stay in more. To me, the natural order is to party before you have kids, then settle down while they are young (still going out, just not twice a week) then do what you like when they've grown up. I know that isn't everyone's way, which is why I said 'You do you'

QueenBitch666 · 08/12/2023 01:06

LG123 · 07/12/2023 22:52

@QueenBitch666 it is mostly men 🙌🏻

Why am I not surprised...

TomatoSandwiches · 08/12/2023 01:11

If you were a single dad then you'd be told you deserve those two nights out and aren't you such a good dad having them on your own the rest of the time.

YANBU.

Fivepigeons · 08/12/2023 01:13

I don't think you are being unreasonable. As a married woman with 2 kids and a 3rd on the way, I still do lots of things I'm interested in because I've got my husband there to watch the kids. If I want to go see a film or go pick something up from the shop I wait till my husband is there and say 'I'm just popping out for a couple of hours' Occasionally I'll go to a friends night out or something and be gone all night... and in return I watch the kids for him if there's something he wants to do.
As a single parent with no involvement from dad you don't have that.. you don't even have the option to let dad take over the bedtime routine an extra night coz you are feeling worn down and need some alone time...
On a day to day level it's 24/7 for you.
So of course its fine to get your mum to help and get a babysitter sometimes!!
Can't believe some of the responses here...

Celebrationsnakes · 08/12/2023 06:17

Fionaville · 07/12/2023 22:19

As you're asking, I think it's too often. But you do you.

I agree with this. I wouldn't make my feelings known to you though unless you asked.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 08/12/2023 06:21

"Oh? I didn't notice your social life stopping when you had children? I guess it's your wife that sits at home 7 days a week then? Poor thing..," <saccharine smile>

Benibidibici · 08/12/2023 06:21

People are probably just gobsmacked you've got the energy, particular if your kids are young. Its not uncommon to fall into bed exhausted at 9pm when juggling work and young kids.

A lot of single parents also simply can't afford one night out a month let alone 2 every week, it can cost £50 a time easily including babysitting, so people might be jealous you are managing it.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 08/12/2023 06:24

And 2 days a week is not too often. Screw anyone that says it is. When you're at home with someone else you get adult conversation. On your own it's just the tv or a good book.

If you went out for 2 full days and someone else did the school drop off, pick up, fed them, and put them to bed, it STILL wouldn't be too much, because quite frankly that's what a hell of a lot of fathers do!

So fuck 'em Op!!!!

NewbieSM · 08/12/2023 06:30

Well based on the fact the kids are mostly in bed while you're out I say crack on! Why do you have sit by yourself every night once the kids are asleep and do nothing fun just because you're a single parent? Good for you, prioritise your own happiness and you will be a better parent in the long run.

Sounds like the judgmental people in your life are just jealous.