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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nursery and 'Assertive DD' Comments

39 replies

DontGoGran · 06/12/2023 21:13

The last two days when we have picked up DD(2) from Nursery the staff have made comments such as:

"She's 'head of the room' now"
"She's very assertive"
"We've had to tell her to use kind words"
"She seems much more... confident..."

DD does have a lot of language, it seems to have exploded recently, and nursery have basically said that they've had to tell her to use kind words because she's told other children what dressing up clothes to wear or to come and play with her without saying please, and had been telling rather than asking. DD apparently said "A, you wear this dress, you a princess" and "N you have this bag, play with me", as an example.

By the by, I am not saying she is some wonder-child by commenting on her language skills, but we have been told that language wise she is far more similar to children who are 3+ and DH feels this is partly why she's being described in this way by the staff. (It's clearly walking or talking for her though, as she still can't jump properly and is terrified of swings, so definitely 'just' an 'ordinary' little girl!)

I feel like they, in a 'coded' way, are telling us that they disapprove of her behaviour and she's being a bit bossy so they're telling us to do something about it, but DH thinks there's nothing wrong with the way they're describing her, and she probably is 'head of the room' because she has so much language that she can direct others as to what she wants.

I can't decide whether I'm being overly emotional because I'm due our second baby in the next few weeks, or whether Nursery are suggesting I have a bit of a bossy boots on my hands and I need to do something about it?

AIBU and I should just leave it, and I'm being a bit PFB, or am I justified in feeling a bit sensitive about their comments?

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 06/12/2023 21:41

She's is only two and has more developed language than most two year olds and from experience they do come across as bossy and controlling as they are 2 - massivly learning appropiate communication, empathy, working together etc.
Her skills just need to catch up with her language that's all

SisterMichaelsHabit · 06/12/2023 21:44

I'd leave it and wait until they come out and tell you what exactly they think you need to do about this (and then potentially take them down and explain there's nothing wrong with a female being assertive or opinionated).

But OMG she sounds adorable. Precocious toddlers are just the best.

mdinbc · 06/12/2023 22:03

The thing is they are in control of her in group situations; you most likely have her at home in a quiet environment with siblings only.

You can talk to her about asking people, not bossing others about, but she needs to be taught be example. Can you practice and watch closely when you are with friends or cousins?

Original poster
DontGoGran · 06/12/2023 22:22

@SisterMichaelsHabit I'm very biased but I think she is absolutely adorable 😊

@mdinbc she has a cousin who is of a very similar age and we did notice this last weekend that she was quite 'assertive' with him, but she seemed quite kind with it so we didn't really challenge it. For example her cousin dropped his water bottle as he clearly didn't want it anymore but she picked it up and handed it back to him, saying "Here you go E, drink water". Because it seemed like she was being kind, we didn't say anything, but thinking on it, maybe it was her being a bit bossy. Thinking about it, we do need to model asking and not bossing people at home too, you're right.

OP posts:
Original poster
DontGoGran · 06/12/2023 22:49

@SisterMichaelsHabit sorry to tag you twice, it won't let me edit my last post for some reason, but just to add that it did cross my mind whether there was a little bit of internalised misogyny going on and that if she were a little boy they'd be telling me she was 'boisterous' rather than the message which seemed to be coming across as 'bossy'.

I'll wait and see if they bring it up again and what they suggest.

OP posts:
craigth162 · 06/12/2023 22:51

Sounds like they want you to have word with her before she turns into a brat

PTSDBarbiegirl · 06/12/2023 22:51

No big deal. As long as they aren't raising 'gentle concerns' just forget it. Your DD is confident and capable of leading! Assigning roles to her friends doesn't mean she's being unkind!!! It's probably her own little way of prepping for big sisterhood. She knows change is coming and is reacting a bit. I hate this rubbish with young kids. If she'd picked up the hat and smacked the kid in the face until they put it on I'd be concerned! Good luck with new baby.

Bigcoatlady · 06/12/2023 23:03

All toddlers are a bit bossy in my experience! I imagine nursery know that and these comments are just benign. I remember laughing at all three of mine as they developed 'leadership qualities'.

She definitely doesn't sound like a brat, just a normal two yr old working things out. Because she's a bit ahead with her language her peers may not be able to use their words to say when they don't want to play her way, which is why staff are reminding her to use kind words and ask. The alternative is little ones stomping off, tears or (in the case of two of mine at least I'm afraid) a frustrated wallop. But that's how they learn how to interact socially. It's a process. We are not born knowing this stuff.

Please don't overthink it. She has a lot of change coming but sounds like a confident little soul. Confident grown ups around her will be the thing she needs most.

OhNoForever · 06/12/2023 23:07

It's the beginning of her female socialisation. I noticed with my dd nursery were far more quick to pull her up on things my ds would have got away with. Being a bit rowdy, not being polite etc etc. This is how as a society we make nice compliant women.

SemperIdem · 06/12/2023 23:09

My friends 2, very nearly 3, year old is quite advanced for his age verbally and I think it can be a bit much for same age children who are less so.

It’s positive they’re using language such as assertive and confident, they’re not criticising her.

CouchCat · 06/12/2023 23:14

She sounds like my DD at that age. She also wasn't shy about telling other children what to do, even as a tiny toddler. I think what the teachers are saying is your DD is confident and ahead in her language skills - likely using you as a model. (Listen carefully to what she says: is that the type of thing you say to her?)

Eventually, the other children catch up, but she may always be somewhat of a leader. My was throughout school and University, and is now in her work life.

sadsack78 · 06/12/2023 23:26

As long as she's not upsetting or hurting others, I don't see much of a problem. If she were a boy, people would say 'strong leadership skills' and 'advanced laguage skills' rather than 'bossy'.
Women are trained from a young age to be quiet and agreeable.

Marblessolveeverything · 07/12/2023 00:13

I think sometimes when children communicate well people tend to unconsciously apply more mature expectations.

She is assertive great, she will learn to balance that. Just keep a gentle eye on how she takes charge and help show her to take turns, not boss people but can ask etc.

But don't worry she is developmentally meant to be in this phase. Diplomacy comes later 😉. Honestly there will be plenty of her peers parents thinking the opposite for their less self advocating children.

Original poster
DontGoGran · 07/12/2023 09:53

CouchCat · 06/12/2023 23:14

She sounds like my DD at that age. She also wasn't shy about telling other children what to do, even as a tiny toddler. I think what the teachers are saying is your DD is confident and ahead in her language skills - likely using you as a model. (Listen carefully to what she says: is that the type of thing you say to her?)

Eventually, the other children catch up, but she may always be somewhat of a leader. My was throughout school and University, and is now in her work life.

We have recently been trying to encourage her to apologise less because she had gotten into the habit of apologising after every little accident (for example she tripped over, didn't hurt herself, anyone else or damage anything) but immediately was saying "sorry Mummy". She was also, up until recently, quite shy and we'd been encouraging her to use her words to tell us what she needs and make her wants known?

I think maybe we need to go back to encouraging /gentle reminders of pleases and thank yous!

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ManateeFair · 07/12/2023 10:12

She has good language skills but she hasn't learned manners, basically. That's not unusual in a toddler and it's not insulting to draw attention to it. They're basically just saying that they have to remind her not to be overbearing/bossy towards other children. Lots of toddlers are like this. It's good that they're reminding her to speak kindly and consider others.

Original poster
DontGoGran · 07/12/2023 10:36

ManateeFair · 07/12/2023 10:12

She has good language skills but she hasn't learned manners, basically. That's not unusual in a toddler and it's not insulting to draw attention to it. They're basically just saying that they have to remind her not to be overbearing/bossy towards other children. Lots of toddlers are like this. It's good that they're reminding her to speak kindly and consider others.

Thank you, yes I suppose you're right there. It's just a surprise because she almost always (although clearly not the last few days!) says please and thank you - we've had comments on how polite she is because she says bless you and excuse me! It's just a phase isn't it, we just need to keep reminding her. 👍🏻

OP posts:
RomeoandJomeo · 07/12/2023 10:40

DontGoGran · 06/12/2023 22:49

@SisterMichaelsHabit sorry to tag you twice, it won't let me edit my last post for some reason, but just to add that it did cross my mind whether there was a little bit of internalised misogyny going on and that if she were a little boy they'd be telling me she was 'boisterous' rather than the message which seemed to be coming across as 'bossy'.

I'll wait and see if they bring it up again and what they suggest.

I suspect you might be onto something here...

mintich · 07/12/2023 10:44

I used to get told that about my daughter. She's now a professional child actress, is on the school council and head of the choir.
Don't let them dull her shine to suit them!
Obviously if she is being bossy, mean etc you can deal with that but there are definitely some people that would rather kids didn't speak up, have opinions. It's good to have an assertive child. I wish I was!

Shopper727 · 07/12/2023 10:49

I wouldn’t be worrying at 2 she’s tiny and certainly not a brat honestly. She’s 2 to the poster who said have a word!?! They are learning to be people at this age, it’s nursery job as much as yours to guide in kind words, etc how will she know if parents and carers (nursery workers) don’t guide and teach her? Will she learn to be gentle, kind and share all by herself.
she sounds lovely op, don’t be emotional it’s normal development.

BoohooWoohoo · 07/12/2023 10:50

She’s 2 so not going to be subtle with requests.

Remind her to use please and thank you. If she’s talking to someone like another child who’s clearly uncomfortable with her requests then rescue them. She’s only 2 so won’t get body language subtleties that show the other person would rather not do as she says.

Original poster
DontGoGran · 07/12/2023 11:49

Thank you all, I feel more reassured. I just worry sometimes, especially as she's our first and I feel like I don't know what I'm doing half the time!

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DoooooWhoop · 07/12/2023 11:56

She sounds great and going to be a natural leader. Kids come in all personalities, sounds like the nursery staff need more training.

CalistoNoSolo · 07/12/2023 12:01

I loathe the word 'bossy' it's so negative when used to describe women and girls. It's really hard to tell if your DD's behaviour is going to upset the other children, but tbh, it's the nursery workers job to intervene if this happens.

Original poster
DontGoGran · 07/12/2023 12:39

CalistoNoSolo · 07/12/2023 12:01

I loathe the word 'bossy' it's so negative when used to describe women and girls. It's really hard to tell if your DD's behaviour is going to upset the other children, but tbh, it's the nursery workers job to intervene if this happens.

Yes I think the bossy label is what's made me feel a bit upset. I know they didn't outright say bossy but it's the potential implication that maybe because she's an 'assertive' girl she should be socially conditioned into being submissive and quiet as she was before.

It was only a few weeks ago they were telling me how shy she was and that they had to really encourage her to play with the other children, now it seems like they've encouraged her, she's become more confident and they don't like it!

OP posts:
Leah5678 · 07/12/2023 12:39

She's only 2, as others have said we aren't born knowing how to behave perfectly. She will learn

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