Nursery and 'Assertive DD' Comments

[DontGoGran]

The last two days when we have picked up DD(2) from Nursery the staff have made comments such as:

"She's 'head of the room' now"
"She's very assertive"
"We've had to tell her to use kind words"
"She seems much more... confident..."

DD does have a lot of language, it seems to have exploded recently, and nursery have basically said that they've had to tell her to use kind words because she's told other children what dressing up clothes to wear or to come and play with her without saying please, and had been telling rather than asking. DD apparently said "A, you wear this dress, you a princess" and "N you have this bag, play with me", as an example.

By the by, I am not saying she is some wonder-child by commenting on her language skills, but we have been told that language wise she is far more similar to children who are 3+ and DH feels this is partly why she's being described in this way by the staff. (It's clearly walking or talking for her though, as she still can't jump properly and is terrified of swings, so definitely 'just' an 'ordinary' little girl!)

I feel like they, in a 'coded' way, are telling us that they disapprove of her behaviour and she's being a bit bossy so they're telling us to do something about it, but DH thinks there's nothing wrong with the way they're describing her, and she probably is 'head of the room' because she has so much language that she can direct others as to what she wants.

I can't decide whether I'm being overly emotional because I'm due our second baby in the next few weeks, or whether Nursery are suggesting I have a bit of a bossy boots on my hands and I need to do something about it?

AIBU and I should just leave it, and I'm being a bit PFB, or am I justified in feeling a bit sensitive about their comments?

I think this too. Bossy isn't cute. I've seen kids speak like this and they have no clue how bratty and bossy they are because no one told or corrected them. They are telling you literally that she needs to use kind words. How much more of a hint do you need??

Do you just not know what two year olds are?

They say 'kind words' in the same context as 'kind hands' IYSWIM, so whilst I appreciate what you're saying I don't think she's being particularly 'bratty'?

She might need some encouragement and support to remember to say please and thank you, and to learn how to be kind and gentle, but I'm not sure you can say a 2 year old is a brat? She's so little still.

I think you are right and your husband is wrong. She needs encouragement to take turns and let others make choices sometimes. You could model how to make suggestions to people as opposed to giving orders “You could be a pirate!” as opposed to “You be a pirate!” etc. She’s only two and if she has more language than her peers, of course she’s going exploit it to rule the world! She’ll be fine.

It might not be that they don't like it – it might simply be that they are a bit surprised at what sounds like quite a big shift in personality quite quickly, and it's getting expressed a bit awkwardly.

DD1's language developed early, and she can talk for Scotland, but she takes a little while to warm up to someone. A few weeks after she moved to the 2-3 room at nursery, I can remember her new keyworker making a couple of 'wow, DD1 can talk, can't she?' comments. She wasn't being critical, she was just surprised at the sudden swing from an almost silent little girl to one having full conversations. We were lucky that the first such comment was part of a longer meeting, and she mentioned the sudden change from quiet to chatty and was very positive about DD1's language and developing collaborative play and supporting that, so it was clear what the bigger picture was. At a quick handover chat, it could easily have sounded negative, though.

What's your overall feel on the nursery? Do you feel like they know your daughter as an individual and care about helping her develop? Perhaps ask for a wee chat about it so you can get a better sense of what they're thinking and if there's anything you should be doing to help her.

I would also echo many PPs that it sounds quite par for the course with two-year-olds. If they say that she's needing reminding to let other children make their own decisions or whatever, I wouldn't be bothered so long as they see it as a perfectly normal part of development, all perfectly routine to need to help a toddler find the balance between leading and being overbearing.

My daughter was exactly the same! Her language was way beyond her age (I only realise that now I have had a second and they are nowhere near her capabilities at the same age) and often I would get "oh she knows her own mind" and assertive comments. I often wondered whether boys get similar comments....

Anyway she is now 4 and her abilities to share and take turns have caught up with her language and she is a delight now. Also having a younger sibling has helped I think. She has also thrived at school in a more structured environment with procedures and rules etc. I have never minded her being assertive, she knows what she wants to do and I love that - it is our job as parents to manage her expectations and remind her of manners I think!

If you think about it, toddlers are always being told something (put your coat on, come over here, stop doing that etc), so if they have good language, it will reflect how they are spoken to, which is confidently by adults. I don't think anything can be done about that, it's just how it is for a while.

But there's nothing wrong with girls being assertive!

She sounds absolutely adorable, and just doing what happy toddlers do.

I would take that language to mean she's a bit of a bully tbh.

I dare say it will sort itself out when she gets to school and the other kids get fed up of being bossed around.

A two year old does not have the cognitive ability to be a bully. That's ridiculous.

No but definitely has the potential to turn into one if it’s not managed.

Yes, agreed. I thought one of mine (boys) was a bit bossy but no staff ever said anything whereas they did to a mum of a girl.

It sounds as if she is at a perfectly normal stage of play development for her age whilst being advanced in her language skills - good for her, she sounds lovely and not 'bratty' at all (what a vile thing to say about a toddler who is learning social interaction).
It isn't bossy to have an idea for a game and to try to get other children to play by handing out the resources, it is imaginative and proactive.

Does she know what the staff at nursery mean by 'kind words' have they explained it? Sounds a bit vague to me, why don't they say 'remember to say please when you ask for a toy darling' if she forgets ? And however well you have taught her, in the excitement of seeing the toys and wanting to play she will forget sometimes. Adults forget sometimes for goodness sake, and your little one is only two.