To ask for advice on how to stop child stealing

[29andLost]

Have posted about my DD stealing before but now the school are aware (she's been caught by teachers twice now)
She's stolen from me before, from makeup to my sweets, to my pens, to money.
The schools response is when my DD is in the cloak room to get her jacket or shoes she will be escorted each and every time and I am completely mortified by this.
I will speak to my DD when I'm home from work but I already know she will shrug or cry and say she doesn't want to speak to me anymore.
But any ideas how to actually get this to stop once and for all? She is 6, 7 in Feb.

There is a strong link between undiagnosed ADHD in children and stealing/lying, it might be worth reading up on it and seeing if any other traits ring true.

I stole at a similar age, I’d take odd bits of change even though I had little prospect of spending it or I’d take sweets/snacks. This was long before I knew I had ADHD, punishments did nothing because it didn’t get to the root of the issue. I’m glad to say I grew out of it eventually!

I did this too but when I was older (around 12 I think) and until thinking about it in reading this thread honestly can't pin point a reason. I can still recall and feel it now, the absolute shame and disgust I felt at myself after and tenfold when I was caught.

I can't believe I'm telling you this as other than my parents and the people I stole from no one in RL knows. I used to steal from people I babysat for and it was so random ... cds, small items of clothing or accessories, food. I rarely did anything with them and hid them in it school locker. I didn't want or need for any of it but I couldn't resist doing it.

Thinking back now I think it started shortly after an unpleasant incident involving the dad of one of the kids. I definitely hasn't done it before, it all came after. Luckily we moved and after that I didn't do it again.

I'm absolutely not suggesting something awful has happened OP but to the absolute credit of my lovely mum and dad (and it must have been horribly embarrassing for them) while I vaguely remember consequences, tears and shouting when finally confronted they have to this day never, ever mentioned it and I'm so grateful for that. So yea - handling this but making it crystal clear you love her and Will help her could make such a huge difference.

I'm sorry for hogging your thread slightly with my off loading. I think it's maybe helped me a little

How are you actually punishing her? You've said you're not doing X and can't do Y, so what are you doing, just telling her it's wrong? That's not going to cut it - by her age she knows it's wrong. You need to start coming up with punishments that actually hurt her, not physically but make her life unenjoyable - make her do chores round the house, don't give her any Christmas presents, give her plain food, that kind of thing. She won't stop until she realises it's better to stop than face the consequences.

She might know she is stealing but does she understand she is taking from other people, ie that they experience a loss, or they lose the opportunity to do something they want with that item?

I think it’s something you need to approach with curiosity rather than anger. I would sit down with her and say something along the lines of

’I know you’re a good kid with a good heart. I know you don’t want to make other people upset with your behaviour. I can see you’re struggling with this issue of taking things that don’t belong to you. Can we talk about why it’s happening? I’m not angry but I would really like to understand.’

Try and approach it with empathy for her as a young child who is struggling, rather than with anger or a view to punishing her.

She’s going to feel the bite of consequences for this sooner or later. She may not be embarrassed now but she will be in time if she has to be escorted in the cloakroom. She will also find it affects her friendships at school. I therefore don’t think you need to see your role as the punisher here - you can be a firm but loving adult approaching her with empathy and curiosity to try and get to the bottom of the behaviour and help her find a route out of this habit.

Ask her how would she feel if someone stole off her?
She doesn't sound as though she has any empathy, which can be another sign of ADHD.

Please don't let her go to other peoples houses unaccompanied while this is unresolved.
The consequences are much higher as many people leave jewellery by the bed and purses on the side.

No one on here can tell you her motivation. Is she angry? Lonely? Does she struggle with communicating? This stealing is a symptom of something else. Stop focusing on the stealing and focus on what the bigger issue is.

I did this too at a similar age. Money from my Mum’s bag. My brother had adhd and took every bit of my parent’s attention. Therefore I was overlooked, depressed and very lonely. That’s the only reason I can think of to explain why I did it. It was never discovered. Always thought I may have adhd too, but because I was a girl, the signs weren’t obvious.

Stealing and smearing at this level is a common trauma response (lots and lots written about this). She is in distress. Has she experienced any adverse childhood experiences OP?

My DD steals a bit too, and doesn't have ADHD or any life issues, so I'm hoping it's a phase. She has also been on the receiving end of stealing, at least 2 other people in the clock room. And whilst 2 wrongs don't make a right, I'm just saying this so you know you aren't alone and it's not necessarily a sign of anything bad or undiagnosed. Her's is simply desire, she sees it and wants it now. I've always been able to return the items, often explaining they got mixed up with her things to save face. Most recent punishment I gave her was removal of her advent calendar and always a big telling off, she's been to a sleepover since and nothing pocketed.

Also, I think I pocketed a few of those body shop bubble bath tiny ball things when I was younger! And so did MANY others at the time.

Lack of empathy isn't a trait of ADHD.
What is true is that emotional and social development can be delayed, often by a couple of years in dc with ADHD.
So sometimes it can be useful to think what would my behavior expectations be for a dc who was a couple of years younger be.

I agree with others that this isn't a punishment situation, more a you need to get these needs met in other ways because taking other people's things isn't okay for them or you situation.

Try stealing something that belongs to her, see what the effect is if any. Other than that I’d see what therapy was on offer for her.

I wonder if she's getting enough one to one attention generally, and praise to raise her self esteem.

Quoting the theft act to a 6 year old is farcical, if not pompous.

I'm no expert in this, but wondered about a couple of things.

You've mentioned sweets she took and in another post you said she'd taken fruit pastilles from your bag. Does she get sweets of her own?

You've said she doesn't really have a favourite toy, or a tablet. Could be she's too young for a tablet, but it seems odd that she has no favourite toy. Does she have things of her own or do all your children share all of the toys? Perhaps she wants something of her own?

I'm reading this as there's no consequence from you other than a moan at her. I'm clearly in the minority but mine would be losing something important to them for a longer length every time they got caught and sent to bed straight after dinner the same day until it stopped.

You're doing a disservice to your daughter by not giving strong enough consequences to put her off and will end up having them instead come from others - most likely via the form of adults and children around her excluding her and being permanently named a thief.

DS7 also does this, just for fun really I think. I have said if he wants candy he could try asking for it!

He is diagnosed ODD and I can't get through to him that there's anything wrong with it.

No advice really, just solidarity, I can give you a list of things that don't work!

!My grandson did this from the age of 5 .In school it was rubbers,pencils,bits of paper,rubber bands,Lego and once the teachers glasses.Poor women.Anything he saw he took ,he had no reason for it and was made to give it back.Diagnosed with ADHD and autism,impulse disorder.Now much older and always wanting to pick up and take useless items.Now medicated and has improved.Good luck it is hard to manage.

@29andLost

One thing you could try, does she get pocket money yet? If not she's old enough to start, then you could impose fines for stealing (to save up and repay if necessary).

I agree with Aquamarine's posts here.

I'd find a play therapist to try to figure out what's happening.

I would suspect an impulse control problem, a problem where she fixates on specific items (if she's climbing to high cupboards or rummaging through your belongings) and can't get things out of her mind, and I'd also wonder about anger - this because she used the Sharpie on the TV and ruined her shoes, etc.

Overall, maybe she's relieving a lot of anxiety? She's relieving it by purposeful acquisition of little tokens that is done stealthily, and having a little hoard of stuff gives her some comfort.

I think you have a complex problem on your hands, and I think you need to get professional help to deal with it. She has managed to avoid discussion of the behaviour up to now, so you need to find an oblique way to approach it. Play therapy can do that in a non-confrontational way. A psychologist would do tbe same.

I wouldn't call the problem 'stealing' - that's a symptom. Impulse control, anxiety, obsession, anger, and avoidance are all at play here.

Same here.

Can you get a local friendly copper to sit her down and give her a talking to? That would stop most kids.

Really shaking my head at some of the responses here! Cancel all her Christmas presents? Call in a policeman?

Surely the key is to be curious about what’s causing this behaviour. Just seeing it as naughty and responding accordingly won’t do anything to get to the root of the problem.

Jesus Christ, I despair sometimes at the type of parenting some children are still subjected to. She's six years old. She's not doing this because she's some sort of evil genius, she's doing it because she has an unmet need of some sort, and it's up to you as her parent to find out what, OP. I would absolutely be involving a child psychologist/play therapist at this stage. And please don't ask a policeman to speak to her either, she could be really terrified by that.

@Dotjones plain food and no Christmas presents? Are you for real? Or did you just walk out of a Dickens novel?