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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for advice on how to stop child stealing

82 replies

29andLost · 06/12/2023 17:52

Have posted about my DD stealing before but now the school are aware (she's been caught by teachers twice now)
She's stolen from me before, from makeup to my sweets, to my pens, to money.
The schools response is when my DD is in the cloak room to get her jacket or shoes she will be escorted each and every time and I am completely mortified by this.
I will speak to my DD when I'm home from work but I already know she will shrug or cry and say she doesn't want to speak to me anymore.
But any ideas how to actually get this to stop once and for all? She is 6, 7 in Feb.

OP posts:

MidSummersNightmare · 06/12/2023 18:15

I had a phase of doing this when I was in year 1. I was very shy and would have been mortified if I’d been caught.

It was 40 years ago but I remember it being mainly from people I was a bit jealous of or wanted to be like. They were from more well off families and generally more outgoing and popular. I took snacks, little toys or dinner money on one occasion. I was quite lonely, isolated and unhappy and have been diagnosed with adhd as an adult. So also it could have been a dopamine thing.

I’m not saying your daughter is in the same situation but I do strongly believe in the behaviour is communication thing and hope you can get to the bottom of it.

fedupandstuck · 06/12/2023 18:16

I wouldn't characterise a 6 year old as stealing for doing most of the things you describe. The exception being taking the 20ps from school.

There is clearly something underlying these behaviours and I would focus on trying to understand her motivation rather than focusing on punishing and describing her as a thief.

Does she get plenty of positive attention and praise? Have there been any external issues around her like family member ill health, or other difficult times?

Aquamarine1029 · 06/12/2023 18:17

Where does she get praise, self worth and positive reinforcement from?

I'm wondering this. I'm wondering if this is a way to get attention, and if negative attention is all she can get, she'll take it.

EvilElsa · 06/12/2023 18:19

I agree with her needing to see a psychologist to (hopefully) get to the bottom of what is going on.
I would think she is getting a dopamine kick from taking these things -she obviously won't understand this herself being so little, but I would imagine it feels good to her at the moment she does it. That becomes something hard to resist. Taking things she doesn't particularly want or need compounds the fact she is unable to control her impulses. At her age it would be very difficult for her to put this into words or understand. I hope you can manage to get her some help.

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 06/12/2023 18:29

I had this with one of mine. As an adult she was diagnosed with ADHd. It was a running theme through her child/teen years which was poor impulse control.
She could never explain it as a child and neither could I.

BMW6 · 06/12/2023 18:34

So she's been caught stealing from children at school as well? Is that why she has to be accompanied to cloakroom?

Does she not understand that actions have unpleasant consequences? Even a 6 year old should be able to understand that!

I think I'd get her to a child psychologist.

Coyoacan · 06/12/2023 18:38

My dgd used to steal at that age. We repeatedly explained about how nobody can invite a thief into their house, that we as a family never steal and that to able to defend her we need to know that she does not steal or lie. Something worked

fuckssaaaaake · 06/12/2023 18:39

Not much help here but I used to steal as a kid and I still to this day have absolutely no idea why I did that. Because I could? Or some issue that I'm still not aware of? didn't need the stuff, it's so strange as I'm the most honest person ever as an adult but I was a thieving idiot when younger.

ChateauDuMont · 06/12/2023 18:45

At that age doing something secretive without involving other children suggests that something is amiss as children that age in my experience usually are egged on or are egging others or to be 'naughty'.

Yetmorebeanstocount · 06/12/2023 18:46

disappearingfish · 06/12/2023 18:15

Is she bored? Is it attention seeking? Does she have a sibling who she's jealous of or feels is favoured?

Where does she get praise, self worth and positive reinforcement from?

This.

She is feeling an emotional 'hole' inside her, and trying to find something to fill it. Taking things is trying to fill a need, a gap, perhaps a loss.

She needs masses of positive attention from you. Look at how much time you are spending with her, and what is the quality of that time?

ChateauDuMont · 06/12/2023 18:48

As an aside, my mother was taught by Nuns when she was a little girl and the Nuns drummed into the schoolgirls that if they stole anything in town (shop lifted) then God would see them and the elastic in their knickers would give way and their knickers would fall down!

Apparently back in the 1940s it was a very effective deterrent!

Frostythekitty · 06/12/2023 19:07

I feel very out of touch with these replies because, honestly, my dcs would have had one hell of a telling off.

I would have sat them down and explained the Theft Act to them. Talked about the different parts, the consequences etc. And told them that they should never, ever, steal again.

Just ran it by my youngest (an older teen) and his answer was the same as mine.

disappearingfish · 06/12/2023 19:36

@Frostythekitty the child is six. I don't think reading an act of parliament out to them is going to make much sense to them.

squeekychicken · 06/12/2023 19:56

Is there anything significant or potentially traumatic happened to trigger this?

Tacotortoise · 06/12/2023 20:13

Frostythekitty · 06/12/2023 19:07

I feel very out of touch with these replies because, honestly, my dcs would have had one hell of a telling off.

I would have sat them down and explained the Theft Act to them. Talked about the different parts, the consequences etc. And told them that they should never, ever, steal again.

Just ran it by my youngest (an older teen) and his answer was the same as mine.

Yeah, that's how my mum handled it. As a result I became a better thief and an excellent liar.

My advice is to not to rush to label her behaviour at home as stealing but encourage her to ask you if she wants to take or borrow something. And be kind but firm about it not being OK to take things from school or from other people at school, even if she really wants them.

DaughterNo2 · 06/12/2023 20:16

Benibidibici · 06/12/2023 18:02

It can become a bad habit. Have you sat her down to talk about it?

What is she ‘stealing’ of yours that are in high cupboards?

Original poster

29andLost · 11/12/2023 07:19

DaughterNo2 · 06/12/2023 20:16

What is she ‘stealing’ of yours that are in high cupboards?

Show quote history

Any sweets, money, make up that I've moved and put up high
This morning I found her with my fruit pastilles that she had taken from my bag

OP posts:

RedHelenB · 11/12/2023 07:36

If she's scribbled all over her bed I'd say "stealing" and acting up is attention seeking.

flowerchild2000 · 11/12/2023 07:48

This all seems very harsh for such a young girl. When my DD was that age many girls would steal from each other. It happened to mine, and honestly mine probably did it too. It's pretty normal, just give a lecture and explain consequences to her. She'll figure it out when she has to face it being escorted. It sounds so embarrassing and OTT really, but at least they are doing something. Hopefully she learns her lesson quickly. Don't be too hard on her though.

TomeTome · 11/12/2023 08:03

What do you do when she goes into your handbag and helps herself? What are the consequences?

EvilElsa · 11/12/2023 08:05

Is she upset when caught out?

BMW6 · 11/12/2023 11:41

How about taking stuff of hers that she values so she gets to know how it feels on the receiving end?

Original poster

29andLost · 12/12/2023 13:09

She doesn't seen upset no, embarrassed a bit.
This morning found polo's, half a Terry's chocolate egg, and two pound ☹️ in her bag. Nobody took her to the shop so this has come from school/friends
I was already at work so the family member with her just took the things out of her bag.

I really don't know how to deal with this I'm going to be honest.
I can't enforce no screen time as we have the TV on for other kids, it's not really fair on them. She doesn't have a tablet or anything to remove
She doesn't have any favourite toys to remove, I just feel sad to not understand why she keeps doing this

OP posts:

TomeTome · 12/12/2023 13:14

I would imagine everyone losing tv time will really focus her mind.

N4ish · 12/12/2023 13:22

How many siblings does she have? It sounds to me like an attempt to get attention or to express some negative emotions that she can't put into words.

I would agree with people suggesting she should see a child psychologist. Sometimes psychologists are attached to children's centres or schools and the staff there can arrange an appointment for you.

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