Child free 2 days a week - AIBU

[Agii]

Hi,

Question.

From next year is February I will I will send my youngest son to Preschool for couple of days a week. Which means I will have my regular childfree for the first time in five years. My partner is generally quite hostile/resented towards me having a free time after he is home from work during the week. I do work 2 weekends a month, but have been a sahm for the most of the time.
So, when I mentioned that I will couple of weekdays (6 hours each day - funded hours) childfree, he said that it means I have no right to have any other time off in the evenings at all. I will start working when I get him into full time childcare in September.
Is that reasonable ?
Especially majority of time, I will be doing the house work/ admin and trying to study and doing things that I couldn’t do while I have children around me. And also - social gatherings Happen in the evenings. I always have to fight for some childfree time outstde house, and I’m sick of it and now he is is going try to guilt trip me for before that. I do a lot around the house and feel that i owe him because he works.

No, he's a dick

He sounds like a controlling bully and I think you probably know that hence the post.

Tell him to fuck right off. He gets no say in what you do with your time!

I would have zero tolerance for this bullshit.
It's a form of abuse.

I wouldn’t accept this. Everybody has a right to go out in the evenings and socialise with friends. Does he go out? You will probably fill those days with housework etc anyway

He’s abusive and controlling
was it his idea you were a SAHM?

What does he mean by you will have no right to time off in the evenings? Is he going to assign you chores to do, or stop you go out or what?

It doesn’t sound great whatever, but is he finding it a struggle to shoulder the financial burden and resents you not working?

What studying are you doing? And when do you plan to get a job?

It sounds like he’s controlling and a bit of an idiot, but I wouldn’t be thrilled with my partner having two days off a week whilst I had to work full-time either.

He sounds like an arse. I’ve never had to fight my DH for time away or to myself.
Im due to have this next year and as far as I’m concerned that time is fair for me to have as I do much more than him anyway

I would probably expect you to pick up a lot of the housework on those days but he's being a dick. Can you divorce him?

Time to be with your friends is important. He doesn't get to dictate your evenings provided you are contributing 50%

That said, I would feel hugely resentful if my partner was off in standard working hours whilst I was carrying the burden of bringing money in. Having one parent at home, not working, is a joint decision.

Although I think he has worded it poorly.

Why can't you look for work whilst your child is in preschool from Feb?

As unreasonable as he may be, imo you should consider trying to establish financial independence. You say partner, so I’m going to assume you’re unmarried. Do you jointly own your home? In the event of a split the only thing he could potentially owe you is child support.

While he absolutely shouldn't be dictating to you about not being able to have free time on an evening, I'd be absolutely pissed off if DH expected not to work for a living, had 2 full days to himself every week and then evenings out too.

If you were a man posting you'd be getting some very different responses.

I would think about maybe getting a job whilst your child is in preschool because you might need one to leave your husband. P.S not sure if you want another but get water tight contraception so he can't make sure you have no spare time.

But OP does not have full days off, only 6 hours twice a week. And she does work some weekends

I'm sorry, what? No right to free time????

I really hope you told him to get to fuck and that you realise he is an arsehole.

Ditch him. Get a babysitter and get your life back. Also, do not spend every child free day doing life admin, you have a right to choose how you spend time and that includes going back to bed and doing nothing!

You should work those two days and/or the equivalent time IMHO. Apart from anything else your own financial independence is critically important for yourself and as an example to your DCs.

Would have been wiser to insist that you wouldn't be having children unless he was willing to fund some stay at home time upfront. It's a bit too late now.

But OP has been a SAHM, and says nothing about not wanting to work! Why shouldn't she have free time in the evening and use the funded hours during the day? Presumably she does all the house stuff cos this does not sound like a helpful partner.

If you were a man posting you'd be getting some very different responses.

This. (Who knows maybe it is a man trying to gather some support for his course of action.)

Except the scenario isn't the same at all. OP has said she is going back to work in September and that her partner doesn't like her going out at all. Nothing like this imaginary man scenario that @MaryShelley1818 wrote.

If OP is a man and has been a sahp for at least 2 kids then it's still a shitty position for the partner to be taking that having 12 hours a week child free means no entitlement to free time at all.

I'm a sahm with a child in primary and a toddler who is in preschool 5 mornings a week. I see that time as my child-free time and I fit in all my appointments, leisure activities like gym and dance class, going out to exhibitions, coffee mornings during those mornings. I don't feel the need to go out in the evenings on top and I wouldn't want DH to come home after a full day at work and deal with the dc's bath and bedtime solo (we have 2 dc so usually look after one child each). Obviously there are some social things that can only be done in the evenings but I've accepted for now that is going to have to wait until the evenings are easier when the dcs are older.

Personally for me I don't plan on returning to work but financially we don't need it as I have a passive income, and I don't want to lose that child-free time. I feel I've earned the right to it after being a ft sahm to 2 babies and dealing with school holidays.

Let's assume it's a man, it doesn't really matter anyway.

If he has 12 hours extra to play with, it's only reasonable that he does something like 12 hours extra paid work. His wife shouldn't be subsiding his extra free time.

Clearly giving up all free time is completely insane but I very much doubt that's what was actually suggested.

This.

i would actually leave my dh if he pulled this shit

I think he's being a dick, you have along term plan to go back to work and this is a step towards that. I assume your DC is two or just turned three? Going back to work doesn't just happen instantly, you'll be hard pushed to find a job that fits those exact hours anyway. Also if you are going to spend a lot of it doing housework etc then that's not the same as free time

For all those posters saying she should work those two days, where do all these magical jobs come from that exist only two regular days a week and only for 5 hours a day (allowing half an hour to drop off child and half an hour to pick up)? Honestly, when I hear ‘just work those hours’ or whatever on here it always sounds so simple- but it’s not.

I would expect OP to be spending a good chunk of those two days doing household stuff sure. Plus she says she’s studying, presumably to get a better job eventually. It’s the tone of her partner saying she’s not ‘entitled’ to any other time ‘off’ that’s not very nice.