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AIBU?

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Original poster

Child free 2 days a week - AIBU

48 replies

Agii · 06/12/2023 12:06

Hi,

Question.

From next year is February I will I will send my youngest son to Preschool for couple of days a week. Which means I will have my regular childfree for the first time in five years. My partner is generally quite hostile/resented towards me having a free time after he is home from work during the week. I do work 2 weekends a month, but have been a sahm for the most of the time.
So, when I mentioned that I will couple of weekdays (6 hours each day - funded hours) childfree, he said that it means I have no right to have any other time off in the evenings at all. I will start working when I get him into full time childcare in September.
Is that reasonable ?
Especially majority of time, I will be doing the house work/ admin and trying to study and doing things that I couldn’t do while I have children around me. And also - social gatherings Happen in the evenings. I always have to fight for some childfree time outstde house, and I’m sick of it and now he is is going try to guilt trip me for before that. I do a lot around the house and feel that i owe him because he works.

OP posts:
HollowEgg · 06/12/2023 14:47

He’s a dick. I have 5 days off a week (both mine are at school) and I can tell you that I have yet to sit down with my feet up watching Netflix during the day!

But also my husband isn’t a dickhead.

80skid · 06/12/2023 14:51

I think you need to read up on coercive control. Also maybe chat to some friends in happy relationships, to see how much nicer life is when a couple support and encourage each other to do things that bring them pleasure.

pikkumyy77 · 06/12/2023 14:54

F : but its crazy to me that an extra 12 hours of child free time gets clocked and monetized this way. Don’t be in a relationship with a stingy score keeper and grudge holder.

LittleOwl153 · 06/12/2023 15:03

I'd put it to him that you both have an EQUAL right to time off. This means time off from paid work (inc commuting), from studying, from childcare AND from housework.

If your plan for these 12 hours is sitting in front of Netflix eating chocolate then yes they count as 'time off'. If on the other hand you spend those 12 hours cleaning the house, food shopping and meal planning/cooking, then no they don't!

Of he expects 'time off' outside of work to be childfree - gaming, football, going to the pub, gym etc. Then he needs to facilitate equal time for you. Yes some of that might be in school time, but not all of it.

Tinkerbyebye · 06/12/2023 15:06

Why are you with him? He sounds a controlling twat

Original poster
Agii · 06/12/2023 16:18

Crababbles · 06/12/2023 13:36

What studying are you doing? And when do you plan to get a job?

It sounds like he’s controlling and a bit of an idiot, but I wouldn’t be thrilled with my partner having two days off a week whilst I had to work full-time either.

But these days off mean - housework gets done and kids get fed and picked up etc. I can imagine his day off would be way less productive if roles were reversed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Agii · 06/12/2023 16:20

salamirose · 06/12/2023 13:38

I would probably expect you to pick up a lot of the housework on those days but he's being a dick. Can you divorce him?

With 2 young kids and cost of living - at best chance id be at women's shelter. Sacrifice of staying at home that bringing up kids and saving huge fees on childcare.

OP posts:
Original poster
Agii · 06/12/2023 16:22

JustMarriedBecca · 06/12/2023 13:39

Time to be with your friends is important. He doesn't get to dictate your evenings provided you are contributing 50%

That said, I would feel hugely resentful if my partner was off in standard working hours whilst I was carrying the burden of bringing money in. Having one parent at home, not working, is a joint decision.

Although I think he has worded it poorly.

Why can't you look for work whilst your child is in preschool from Feb?

I made a point that I want a few months off (spring to July) to sort myself out and take up some courses to aid my employment starting in autumn, that time off isn't dead time, I believe that most sahm contribute so much being ar home even if kids are at school.

OP posts:
Original poster
Agii · 06/12/2023 16:28

MaryShelley1818 · 06/12/2023 13:41

While he absolutely shouldn't be dictating to you about not being able to have free time on an evening, I'd be absolutely pissed off if DH expected not to work for a living, had 2 full days to himself every week and then evenings out too.

If you were a man posting you'd be getting some very different responses.

I don't think I would have an issue if he would get the housework done / kids sorted and I'm talking about 4 months until I start full time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Agii · 06/12/2023 16:29

notlucreziaborgia · 06/12/2023 13:40

As unreasonable as he may be, imo you should consider trying to establish financial independence. You say partner, so I’m going to assume you’re unmarried. Do you jointly own your home? In the event of a split the only thing he could potentially owe you is child support.

We own it jointly.

OP posts:
Original poster
Agii · 06/12/2023 16:31

ginandtonicwithlimes · 06/12/2023 13:44

I would think about maybe getting a job whilst your child is in preschool because you might need one to leave your husband. P.S not sure if you want another but get water tight contraception so he can't make sure you have no spare time.

He can be very petty, I wouldn't be surprised if he tried to jeopardise that.
And is housework and studying a free time ? 😬 6 hours is absolutely nothing. I can feel how the time flies when I drop off and pick up my eldest while I'm at home with toddler.

OP posts:
Bleakmidwinter1977 · 06/12/2023 16:32

For all those suggesting OP works 2 days a week, fitted around 12 hours free childrecare over 2 days, during school terms...I would be interested to know what kind of job you believe would be available to accommodate this.
I'm sure OPs hubby would be way more pissed if was getting phone calls at work to collect the little one from school every time he's unwell, or having to adjust his schedule during holidays, assisting in drop offs/pick ups, paying for additional childcare during school holidays.

Lancasterel · 06/12/2023 16:36

“No right” who made him the boss??? What does he expect you to be doing in the evenings?!

Original poster
Agii · 06/12/2023 16:40

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 06/12/2023 13:51

If you were a man posting you'd be getting some very different responses.

This. (Who knows maybe it is a man trying to gather some support for his course of action.)

I am a woman.
I am willing to work, but I he hasn't been very supportive to me working weekends, and when I do work, I'll be expected to do as much as I don't work. This is only temporary time off to set foundations for me work, and sort out house, etc.

OP posts:
GreyBlackLove · 06/12/2023 16:41

Just looking at this from purely a time perspective. 3 days a week you are essentially working providing childcare, 5 days a week he is working in whatever his role is.
Being conservative, a childfree evening is 6-10 so 4 hours, a childfree weekend day is 12 hours.
His logic is that because you would have 2 childfree week days all evenings and weekends would be his?
So you - 12 hours childfree and him 44 hours childfree?
Is he serious? Is he pulling his weight in the evening and weekends now?

Original poster
Agii · 06/12/2023 16:42

salamanter · 06/12/2023 14:20

I'm a sahm with a child in primary and a toddler who is in preschool 5 mornings a week. I see that time as my child-free time and I fit in all my appointments, leisure activities like gym and dance class, going out to exhibitions, coffee mornings during those mornings. I don't feel the need to go out in the evenings on top and I wouldn't want DH to come home after a full day at work and deal with the dc's bath and bedtime solo (we have 2 dc so usually look after one child each). Obviously there are some social things that can only be done in the evenings but I've accepted for now that is going to have to wait until the evenings are easier when the dcs are older.

Personally for me I don't plan on returning to work but financially we don't need it as I have a passive income, and I don't want to lose that child-free time. I feel I've earned the right to it after being a ft sahm to 2 babies and dealing with school holidays.

I am in the same boat really. I do want fit in one gym session and organise life, which is pretty chaotic right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Agii · 06/12/2023 16:46

Floooooof · 06/12/2023 14:41

I think he's being a dick, you have along term plan to go back to work and this is a step towards that. I assume your DC is two or just turned three? Going back to work doesn't just happen instantly, you'll be hard pushed to find a job that fits those exact hours anyway. Also if you are going to spend a lot of it doing housework etc then that's not the same as free time

This!

Thank you! It is not about sitting on the sofa and watching Netflix all day.

I do it occasionally while my child naps - and I get hard time for that even if I am still there for my child. I am always quite occupied with something, some days not - just exhausted. I am the one who cleans the kitchen at 9 pm and every morning gets kids to school and often take them out for hours on weekends, so he gets a break. Do I get that ? Hardly.

OP posts:
Original poster
Agii · 06/12/2023 16:48

maybein2022 · 06/12/2023 14:46

For all those posters saying she should work those two days, where do all these magical jobs come from that exist only two regular days a week and only for 5 hours a day (allowing half an hour to drop off child and half an hour to pick up)? Honestly, when I hear ‘just work those hours’ or whatever on here it always sounds so simple- but it’s not.

I would expect OP to be spending a good chunk of those two days doing household stuff sure. Plus she says she’s studying, presumably to get a better job eventually. It’s the tone of her partner saying she’s not ‘entitled’ to any other time ‘off’ that’s not very nice.

Thank you ❤️

I am definitely not entitled and if I had a magic job and skills I could use - I would love to contribute more. And yes - I have been trying some ventures, but we all know that there isn't much time to develop if I have kids at all times.

OP posts:
Original poster
Agii · 06/12/2023 16:54

pikkumyy77 · 06/12/2023 14:54

F : but its crazy to me that an extra 12 hours of child free time gets clocked and monetized this way. Don’t be in a relationship with a stingy score keeper and grudge holder.

Edited

That's true.

I have been away with for weeks at time and he gets to do whatever. Also I have taken kids out for whole long days on weekends and I come back to tip of the house. (He does the housework often enough) , but seems to think it's ok to leave it like a tip for no reason. Even on purpose. I don't get to tell him - ohh toy had 4 full weekends to yourself and now you don't get any. Right ? My responsibilities never end.

OP posts:
Original poster
Agii · 06/12/2023 17:00

GreyBlackLove · 06/12/2023 16:41

Just looking at this from purely a time perspective. 3 days a week you are essentially working providing childcare, 5 days a week he is working in whatever his role is.
Being conservative, a childfree evening is 6-10 so 4 hours, a childfree weekend day is 12 hours.
His logic is that because you would have 2 childfree week days all evenings and weekends would be his?
So you - 12 hours childfree and him 44 hours childfree?
Is he serious? Is he pulling his weight in the evening and weekends now?

He pulls his weight most of the time, but time wise he gets 30-40% percent time to himself - (evenings on weekdays) just Hibernate while I am present with children. And weekend are mixed, but I tend to take kids more often. Also even he is at home and doing nothing, he will try to stop mr from going to the gym..just because he doesn't want to watch them for an hour and half.

OP posts:
Buzzbee7 · 06/12/2023 17:02

I think your husband is being unreasonable, it is a full time job looking after a child and you should be allowed to spend any free time you have as you wish.

Original poster
Agii · 06/12/2023 17:02

Mum2jenny · 06/12/2023 13:45

But OP does not have full days off, only 6 hours twice a week. And she does work some weekends

I used to work every weekend, but it got too much and he encouraged to reduce hours and was also moaning that he had no "me time" , while I was at work. Work !

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 07/12/2023 12:15

Get a babysitter, go out with him, and really seriously go over the work/parenting/me time issue. If he can’t/wont permit you to have an open, fair, and pleasant conversation then he is really a selfish person. Then you have to reconsider your options.

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