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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Suicidal partner went missing yesterday, police won’t tell me where in the country he is - what now

53 replies

Onionbhajisandwich · 06/12/2023 06:35

Posting for traffic.

my partner went missing last night after sending me a text that indicated that he was going to commit suicide.

The police called me at 11:30pm to say that they’d located him and I would receive a further update from them but I’ve had nothing. I’m going out of my mind with worry.

I don’t know what to do??

OP posts:
Simplepink · 06/12/2023 06:39

Have some tea/coffee. Wait till 7am then start calling the station again. The fact that they have located partner is really positive, much more likely that they are safe.

Original poster
Onionbhajisandwich · 06/12/2023 06:49

I don’t know what station he’s at or even if he’s in hospital 😭 they won’t even tell me where in the country he is 😔

OP posts:
TwiddlingMyToes · 06/12/2023 06:51

Who called you initially? Could you call them back?

ThisHouseWillBeTheDeathOfMe · 06/12/2023 06:54

Let them do their job.

They've found him. He needs immediate professional/medical support which will be their priority.

You being there is for your need right now, not his. They will be in contact as soon as they've done what they need too.

You know he's safe. That's what matters. Where he is, is kind of irrelevant, they'll tell you where to come, when it's been assessed it is safe for you to do so. Maybe he needs some space and has requested you not be told.

TruthThatsHardAsSteel · 06/12/2023 06:55

Onionbhajisandwich · 06/12/2023 06:49

I don’t know what station he’s at or even if he’s in hospital 😭 they won’t even tell me where in the country he is 😔

I'm only going by documentaries etc but I think they can only give his location out with his permission as far as I know. So it could be he's happy for you to know he's safe by not the specifics. He might just need to recentre himself. I'm sure you're frantic.

Gnomegnomegnome · 06/12/2023 06:55

Call your local station and explain although be prepared that they may not give you information about where he is.

I’m sorry that you are going through this.

MintJulia · 06/12/2023 07:01

Your partner is an independent adult. The police have conducted a welfare check and have found him.

If your partner does not authorise the release of any further information, then they are bound by that. They will put him in contact with the necessary support services, but unless he wants to come home, I'm not sure they will tell you any more.

Allelbowsandtoes · 06/12/2023 07:01

They might have placed him on a section 136 of the Mental Health Act, in which case he'd be taken to a Place of Safety (a secure mental health unit) where he would be awaiting assessment under the Mental Health Act. The staff there would require consent to be able to speak with you and he might ne either not consenting or sleeping it off, in which case they can't ask about consent.

I imagine you're frantic with worry which is absolutely understandable. I hope you get some news soon.

MaryMcI · 06/12/2023 07:08

I don’t think right now you can do anything.
The police are trained to make sure that he gets the attention he needs, and that is what they will have focused on. You could call later in the day but as other posters have said, they will need your partner’s consent to give details and he might not be able or wanting that right now. Try not to take it personally, your partner is not well. Right now, you need to focus on yourself. Do you have any support in real life?

saffronsoup · 06/12/2023 07:12

If he was only found at 1130 last night, likely not a lot happened over night. They don't usually call to update in the middle of the night and he may not even have had access to a phone. He may not even have done all the consent paperwork yet - depending on where he is and what is happening. Police foten don't even complete their paperwork until the end of shift for it to be passed on and the overnight staff at a hospital would leave things like phone calls for the day staff.

Also you say partner. If this is a boyfriend - further calls might go to family rather than to you depending on who he gave as emergency contact.

PermanentTemporary · 06/12/2023 07:12

I'm so sorry this has happened. Dh went missing for 5 days some years ago and I was beside myself. They have found him, hold onto that.

Do call them back, but also Google the National Missing Persons helpline- it's changed names. They were so helpful.

wite · 06/12/2023 07:19

As long as they've found him and spoken to him they've obviously deemed him to be safe.

CharlotteRose90 · 06/12/2023 07:26

Just know he is safe and being looked after. The police did their job and found him. It’s hard but right now the priority is getting him help not telling you where he is. They will most likely contact you later today or tomorrow

HollyJollyKissmass · 06/12/2023 07:26

It sounds to me like he is trying to cause you distress- what’s the relationship like generally?

PermanentTemporary · 06/12/2023 07:28

@Onionbhajisandwich have you got any food in? Are you going to be able to eat something this morning?

CaptainMyCaptain · 06/12/2023 07:29

HollyJollyKissmass · 06/12/2023 07:26

It sounds to me like he is trying to cause you distress- what’s the relationship like generally?

Not necessarily and its unhelpfulto suggest this. He's just not well but he's an independent adult and the police need his consent to give details of his whereabouts.

HollyJollyKissmass · 06/12/2023 07:34

CaptainMyCaptain · 06/12/2023 07:29

Not necessarily and its unhelpfulto suggest this. He's just not well but he's an independent adult and the police need his consent to give details of his whereabouts.

Show quote history

Sending a suicidal text and then disappearing, likely knowing the effect it will have? This would be my thought process- why is he doing this? What’s the relationship like generally? I’m not judging the police, they’ve let you know he is safe. But I am wondering how the op is treated by him generally as I think this is an awful thing to put someone through.

Toetouchingtitties · 06/12/2023 07:37

@HollyJollyKissmass
From your comments I’d suggest you have no understanding of suicidal ideation. For the sake of not upsetting the Op, it would be worth educating yourself a little bit…

YireosDodeAver · 06/12/2023 07:39

Trust the police to handle it for now. They know where he is, they will have done a risk assessment and will be balancing a lot of different factors.

Human behaviour that isn't unusual includes eg people claiming that they are going to commit suicide while having no such actual intention as a means to control and emotionally manipulate a partner, and also choosing to go missing and not wanting a partner to know where they are. Neither of those may be the case but the police don't know you or your DH and will have approached with open minds. If he is in crisis they will have got him to safety but he may not be. He may be fine.

You are not responsible for your DHs mental health. Nothing he does is your fault.

What you can do is ask the police to get a message to him asking him to call home when he can.

saffronsoup · 06/12/2023 07:39

HollyJollyKissmass · 06/12/2023 07:34

Sending a suicidal text and then disappearing, likely knowing the effect it will have? This would be my thought process- why is he doing this? What’s the relationship like generally? I’m not judging the police, they’ve let you know he is safe. But I am wondering how the op is treated by him generally as I think this is an awful thing to put someone through.

Show quote history

He wanted to die. You think it would be better if he hadn't sent a text and just lef tand killed himself with no one knowing where he is or what has happened and eventually his body being found?

I am sure OP is quite glad he texted and police were able to find him. We don't know what physical or mental state he is in and someone at the brink of suicide is not thinking rationally. Once picked up, he may have had no access to communication or may be unable to communicate (could have been found unconscious). You seem to lack an understnading of the situation.

CaptainMyCaptain · 06/12/2023 07:40

I have known a couple of instances like this and on both cases the intention was to avoid hurting the other partner. Mistaken, obviously, but in one case the person was suicidal in the other being targeted by a gang which was obviously quite different although the partner left behind didn't know that.

funnylugs · 06/12/2023 07:49

First of all, I am so sorry that you and your partner are going through this. As others have said, the most positive thing is that your partner has been found.

I experienced something very similar when my husband was sectioned earlier this year. Because we had not lived together for some time, they considered us 'separated' and so I had no rights to receive information about him unless he made it explicit that I should be contacted. The laws about closest relatives are very strange and particular with respect to sectioning.

This meant I did not know which hospital he was discharged to after he left the general hospital to go to a psychiatric hospital. I was very, very distressing.

It may be the case that your partner is mentally confused and unable to think clearly. He may contact you himself soon, or ask for you to be contacted by the police.

Keep your phone on, If your partner has a mobile phone, send him a text message.

Very best wishes

GoodOldEmmaNess · 06/12/2023 07:50

Hi, OP. It is an agonising situation to be it and your mind will be racing ahead to a thousand questions. I have been in similar situations with my son a few times. Unfortunately the first few hours in this sort of situation are likely to be characterised by delay. The police will probably have taken him to A&E or similar for an assessment by a mental health team. The team probably won't be available for a while. So either a nurse or a police officer will be with him sitting out the wait.

Once he has been assessed, he will either be admitted to mental health care or come back home with a referral to whatever mental health agency can offer him supprt. There may or may not be quite a long wait for this future support.

To other posters, please think twice about speculating regarding the person's character, intentions, etc. We can't know anything about that.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 06/12/2023 07:53

Toetouchingtitties · 06/12/2023 07:37

@HollyJollyKissmass
From your comments I’d suggest you have no understanding of suicidal ideation. For the sake of not upsetting the Op, it would be worth educating yourself a little bit…

Edited

I'd suggest you have no understanding of coercive control.

Educating yourself on just how many people send messages like that terrorise their partners (and turn up anywhere from the local pub, an affair partner's bed or sitting down watching TV as the panicked texts at attempts at calling go through) might also be useful.