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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have any of you lost a job or left a job or been sidelined from a job or otherwise had your income adversely affected due to menopause?

63 replies

Sostu · 05/12/2023 21:22

Because I have. Got let go a couple of weeks ago after being put on performance monitoring when I developed menopause symptoms. I have worked since I was 16 years old and the six month period where my performance was monitored was the most stressful and humiliating period of my working life. I feel like an absolute failure but I know this can't be right. I bumped into a friend who I haven't seen for years in the supermarket today and the exact same thing has happened to her. She is on sleeping pills! This is same as me a lady who has always worked and is definitely not a shirker and nor am I.

I am trying to get myself together and apply for other jobs but I just feel so deflated and useless and I don't know how to get past this.

How on earth do I explain my reasons for losing this job to a new employer and how do I get past this?

I just feel so lost.

OP posts:
Themaghag · 05/12/2023 21:33

Go to CAB, ACAS or a solicitor who specialises in employment law and see if you have grounds to take your employer to a tribunal - they can’t fire you for going through the menopause! Companies like this deserve to be taken for every penny they are worth and happily, given the current climate regarding menopause there’s every chance the law will be on your side for once! I’m so sorry this has happened to you OP, but please know it’s not you - it’s them and they deserve to be shown up for the hateful bastards they are!

MissingMoominMamma · 05/12/2023 21:34

I’m leaving my job because I can’t cope. I need something calmer, with less pressure.

PippyLongTits · 05/12/2023 21:36

I haven't, but feel I may be on the verge of it. I find everything so difficult to do, get easily distracted, forgetful, very disorganised and my work has definitely taken a nose dive since hitting perimenopause. I feel paralysed sometimes just trying to send an email.

Were you fired or did you hand your notice in before they fired you? How long were you at the company for?

Re what to say to a new employer, if you were there for a long time, say that your were stagnating/hit a ceiling for development opportunities and were no longer challenged by the role.

If you were there for a short amount of time, say that the job was not as it had been advertised and you did not feel that it was the right fit for your career progression.

If you were there for a medium amount of time, perhaps say you wanted to explore other avenues.

You can also give non-work related reasons for leaving a post, like wanting to find something with a shorter commute, something to fit around caring responsibilities, something to fit around studying, better work-life balance etc.

I think a new employer can ask you in an interview why you left a job, but I was once told that a previous employer can't say anything negative about a former employee. If asked for references they will only confirm your job title and the dates you started and left the company (not the reason for leaving). Perhaps someone with more HR experience can confirm this though...

Babyroobs · 05/12/2023 21:37

I've walked out on two jobs due to intense irritation with managers or not coping which looking back I believe to be due to menopause. Since I have been on HRT I seem to be able to cope a lot better and touch wood have not had any major disagreements with my current manager. Sorry to hear what you are going through.

NewJobNewMeNewLife · 05/12/2023 21:38

This is part of the reason I’m leaving work on Friday.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 05/12/2023 21:40

I got ill health retirement. My anxiety just went crazy at menopause. Just ridiculous. I couldn’t cope with that and working.

It took a year just to sort out medication,

Maryamlouise · 05/12/2023 21:42

I no longer like my job at all and have definitely been a bit rude and intolerant of what has been some ridiculous changes at work but could definitely have handled it better. Luckily I am still there especially as lots of outgoings and can't find anything else that is as flexible and pays as well so I am stuck. Hoping I might like it more again once out the other side of menopause.

Good luck with the job search. If you can afford it maybe some career coaching could be helpful. I got work to pay for mine and it was great and could help you figure out what you would like to do next and build your confidence

theduchessofspork · 05/12/2023 21:44

Well that sounds shit! I am really sorry OP. I would second the poster above and take this further.

In the meantime I would see your GP and insist they work on anything that needs sorted.

In terms of applying for other jobs, I’d just say that you took a break for family care reasons (if they ask - they won’t - have a pat story about eg an elderly aunt that is build on a real family situation / or say you wanted to do a bit of travelling / renovate your house etc)

As for get past it - it’s not them it’s you, so just remember that. It’s worth contacting menopause support organisations (there are a few) and older women / people working organisations like women returners for solidarity and support

jeaux90 · 05/12/2023 21:45

I almost was on the verge of leaving my career.

I went on HRT, and testosterone as that was too low and I am now on top of my game again.

If I'm honest HRT got me 90% there, but the additional testosterone was the game changer.

Crazycrazylady · 05/12/2023 21:47

To be fair. It's not fair either for employers to accept multiple errors and lack of concentration for a sustained period of time. In a perfect world employers would make reasonable adjustments but not every job is going to be suitable.

It's utter rubbish for you but I don't know what the answer is. Hopefully this next role might be more suitable for you.

WashItTomorrow · 05/12/2023 21:49

PippyLongTits · 05/12/2023 21:36

I haven't, but feel I may be on the verge of it. I find everything so difficult to do, get easily distracted, forgetful, very disorganised and my work has definitely taken a nose dive since hitting perimenopause. I feel paralysed sometimes just trying to send an email.

Were you fired or did you hand your notice in before they fired you? How long were you at the company for?

Re what to say to a new employer, if you were there for a long time, say that your were stagnating/hit a ceiling for development opportunities and were no longer challenged by the role.

If you were there for a short amount of time, say that the job was not as it had been advertised and you did not feel that it was the right fit for your career progression.

If you were there for a medium amount of time, perhaps say you wanted to explore other avenues.

You can also give non-work related reasons for leaving a post, like wanting to find something with a shorter commute, something to fit around caring responsibilities, something to fit around studying, better work-life balance etc.

I think a new employer can ask you in an interview why you left a job, but I was once told that a previous employer can't say anything negative about a former employee. If asked for references they will only confirm your job title and the dates you started and left the company (not the reason for leaving). Perhaps someone with more HR experience can confirm this though...

Edited

They definitely can say something negative. It just has to be true. References also don’t just have to contain start/end dates and job title. There are no rules. They can say what they like - as long as it’s true.

Gherkingreen · 05/12/2023 21:51

About 18 months ago (I'm 48) I noticed an increase my stress levels at work, couldn't concentrate, increased emotions, unable to focus, I felt my performance plummet. My LM at the time commented about it, but I couldn't explain why things had changed. I was working in a busy role, like I've done my whole working life, I couldn't understand why thing didn't make sense any longer.
Shortly after I started HRT and the fog lifted. I stayed in the job until a few months ago, but I felt like things had shifted and I needed a new challenge, new environment.
I left on great terms and started in a new role which is going really well - but the catalyst for moving was probably the impact of perimenopausal symptoms.

Shadowsindarkplaces · 05/12/2023 21:53

I did too, with a female boss too. It was 2 years ago, I moved on rather than being managed out. I hope her menopause is particularly shitty

Shadowsindarkplaces · 05/12/2023 21:54

oh and they had just announced the 'menopause policy' <hollow laugh>

Original poster
Sostu · 05/12/2023 21:58

@Crazycrazylady see I get that but then what can I do??? Pension age is 67 and I am 52. I have to keep working!

OP posts:
oncefromsydney · 05/12/2023 22:03

I am only able to work part time due to anxiety brought on by menopause. I have a stressful job in healthcare. This was made worse by a gaslighting boss. I resigned to my own detriment as I couldn't cope with the constant pressure. At that stage I had no job. I then returned to a previous job in healthcare that does allow me to work part time. I still have anxiety. I was never like this before. It is a constant daily struggle.
I can't wait till I retire.

Original poster
Sostu · 05/12/2023 22:05

Oh god @oncefromsydney that is an awful situation. I'm so sorry.

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 05/12/2023 22:05

@oncefromsydney I had bad anxiety too for about a year but the HRT/testosterone fixed it

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 05/12/2023 22:06

I really think the pension age for women is a feminist issue. 1/3 of women leave their jobs due to menopause.

So they have to leave due to being female.

Original poster
Sostu · 05/12/2023 22:12

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow is it really as high as that? Good god that's insane.

Surely they (we) aren't all unsuited to employment.

OP posts:
oncefromsydney · 05/12/2023 22:12

Unfortunately I have been adviser not to have HRT due to family history. Occasionally I think about taking it but my health is more important than work. I could never forgive myself if I took it and had cancer.
I did take antidepressants which helped but stopped due to side effects. I now live a simple life.

mantyzer · 05/12/2023 22:13

Yes me. I lied to my new employer and said I had left to care for a relative who was dying. My previous employer only gave basic reference though anyway of confirming you had worked there.

oncefromsydney · 05/12/2023 22:16

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 05/12/2023 22:06

I really think the pension age for women is a feminist issue. 1/3 of women leave their jobs due to menopause.

So they have to leave due to being female.

I agree with this. Women are definitely disadvantaged due to their hormones.

I feel sorry for the women of the future who will be retiring at 70.

Floofydawg · 05/12/2023 22:20

Menopause is a protected characteristic - you can't be fired because of it. Definitely take it further. Having said that, I know from personal experience how difficult it is to get employers to take this seriously. But it's shocking behaviour on their part.

Original poster
Sostu · 05/12/2023 22:34

@mantyzer Well tbf I am doing stuff for my mother who has dementia and it's pretty stressful so I guess I could give that as a reason for losing the job. She lives 70 miles away and it's tough. Eg I'll get an emergency call over the weekend, leave the kids at home, they're both over 16 but it's not ideal, go deal with it imperfectly while managing my ever aggressive father, hit a 15 mile standstill from roadworks on my way back at 6 am on the Monday, spend the day sweating like a bitch with flushes and just sheer fear at what my mum is up to ... it's all crap and that is just the start of the week.

BUT ... I can't exactly say that in a job interview. Ffs.

OP posts: