Seeking opinions of those with adult children

[Give0fecks]

I’d really like your opinions on how much is reasonable for your adult child to expect of you. I suppose I really mean emotionally but also perhaps with occasional practical help/ support to “give them a break”.

for context I am mid 30s, 2 young children and financially independent and have been for years. My parents live 4 hours away (I moved for my husbands work).

I’ll try and be succinct as it’s very complicated but essentially I feel I’m having a bit of a break down/ crisis due to multiple factors but mainly PTSD following 2 traumatic births and first baby nearly dying, emotional abuse from my husband and marital stress/ difficulties, and other life stress factors. Part of this is when going through all this I feel my mum let me down - I didn’t really have any help from anyone - specifically when physically extremely unwell having to soldier on and deal with all the practicalities of looking after 2 young children.

my dad is an extremely difficult man and she panders to him which I feel dismisses me. They are very much of the ‘suit themselves’ mentality which I find really upsets me - for example saying they will visit and changing the dates/ times short notice - eg now arriving 6 hours later than planned today (no reason) when I’m alone and juggling 2 sick children, I haven’t been able to leave the house in 4 days as kids are both poorly and husband is away. Never breaking their routine which I can’t accommodate with young children - eg wanting to go and sit in a pub every night between 5-7 when kids need dinner/bath. Never visit as often as they say they will.

I used to be so so close with my mum, she was my best friend but I used to fit in exactly around what they wanted all the time. I think I just feel so heart broken as I feel she has chosen his ‘wants’ over my needs.

I know this won’t make much sense but they are arriving later and to be honest I just want to cry and break down when she arrives.

Ps I am aware my husband is lacking in all of this and we are doing counselling and considering divorce. This isn’t excusing him, it’s more that my mum was always my person and best friend until all this happened and now I just feel so utterly utterly alone and like no one on the world really gives a shit or is there to catch me. I have no safety net.

I guess that’s what I’m asking. Do I just need to woman up and “adult” or os it reasonable to hope your mum would be there for you?

Sounds tough @Give0fecks but it is a personality issue, not a 'what is usual' issue.
I work full time but still try to help my daughter as much as I can with her stresses and young family. Because I'm kind and I want to. I am flexible and reliable.
Your mum is selfish and self-centered, sorry.

In the nicest possible way, you need to work out what works for you.

you have found out that you can’t rely on your mum (that’s shit, but a not uncommon situation. I couldn’t rely on my in laws, and my mum died long before I had children - I, and many others, had to get on with it) so stop thinking that you can.

make a plan that works for you and then any changes suggested by your mum, she needs to find a way to fit in with you.

young kids get sick, so not being able to leave the house is sadly par for the course. Get stuff delivered, and go easy on yourself wrt housework etc.

You haven’t given many examples here, but I think you need to have this conversation with your mum. She may feel that she is at the point of her life when she wants to put herself first. Looking after sick children is a big ask. I didn’t have any clue how physically and emotionally exhausted I would be as I got older. I think YABU to expect her to be helping you to such a degree - although it would be good if she was there for you emotionally of course.

A mother is a parent, not a "best friend". Parents can't be there constantly, so may be some negotiation is needed....

Oh, and also, I was in a shit marriage, and my life is SO much easier now that I have separated from my husband. I have 3 dc with ASD, and so it was really daunting, but actually, having to factor in my exH and his tantrums and controlling ways was the tipping point. My house is a LOT calmer now, and I can cope with pretty much anything, usually working it out by myself, although to be fair to exH he has stepped up quite a bit over the past 6 months (7 years after separating though!)

I agree, part of your upset is that you’re expecting things from her that she won’t give. Stop expecting, move on without her. You’ll be surprised how much strength you’ll find within yourself. Go to toddler groups locally, make your friends so you won’t feel the need to want her supporting

I'm a mum to adult children. I do an awful lot for mine tbh and wouldn't say no unless it was completely impossible. I know that if I needed help that they would help me in return. My own dm died when I was a teen so I received none of the help I give to mine as df moved away with his new wife. Not sure whether my own experience has shaped what I am prepared to offer if I'm honest. I know that I coped with a lot more than my own dc do most likely because I had no other option.

I just wanted to sent sympathy. I think you may get a hard time as MN doesn’t like adult kids to want mothering, but the loss of a mother as friend and support can be hard.

My mother reversed our roles when my father died. I can be a grown up, I can cope and do all the things I need to for both of us, but I miss having a mother who is interested in the details of my life and cares enough to give support. Goodness knows she shares her details with me, demands my support, and then resents needing it. She made a big deal of telling me she wasn’t getting me an Xmas present (fine) and then told me
all the presents she bought for neighbours and friends. It is all trivial and all takes a toll.

My only advice is to notice your feelings, grieve the relationship you used to have, and carry on. You can’t change her.

Yeah, I'm sorry you are going through the wringer right now. But you can't just manifest the mother you want - you get the one you are given. And she's human and flawed in a way that particularly isn't meeting your needs right now.

When they get to your home in six hours time you'll only feel the benefit of you aren't stewing over how badly you feel they have let you down.

So, you need a battle plan, or at least a change in perspective for six hours until you can hand over your children for a bit to get some much needed rest.

Every family is different. My grandmother was very involved when my aunt had children but they only lived 10 minute walk away from each other. And when her youngest was born, granny said "it's become too difficult, I have to step back" which is fair enough.
I don't expect any practical help from my mum but I do expect some emotional support. Most of the times I don't even need to tell her what's wrong. I simply need to call and have a chat about nothing and know that I am loved. And it helps even if I didn't tell her about my problems (which is my preferred approach as I don't want to worry her and don't need her to do anything about it).
If your parents live 4h away, I think it is unreasonable to expect them to be there to look after your sick children, to be honest. But I guess this comes with a general sense that they don't have time for you which is what you are finding difficult to deal with.

Sorry I don’t think I explained it properly in my post - I do not expect them to look after my sick children. They’ve never done that and I wouldn’t expect it. There will certainly be no handing over of children for me to have a rest - it will be straight into me making small talk, listening to them moan about the journey, and making cups of tea.

the comment about them arriving late was just I was looking forward to adult company/ counting down the hours which I’m sure others do when solo parenting with no other adult interaction.

Thank you for the kind replies.

what this comes down to is I thought previously we did have a strong relationship (I suppose because it was never tested). I felt loved, I felt she cared. Then when this all happened she just wasn’t there and I feel like my whole foundation of the world has been ripped out from under me like a rug.

I guess I do just need to reframe that, but it feels like a loss.

It's hard to know, because you haven't said what you have asked of your mum. Do you want her to stay with you sometimes, or move closer to look after the kids, or have them to stay, make a financial contribution or do you just want a friendly ear? Have you definitely explained to her what you want/need (ie is there a chance she just does not know she is falling short)? At 4 hrs drive away they can't really provide childcare without coming to stay or moving. Personally we don't get any childcare help from my parents (my mum is disabled and my dad is her carer) or in-laws (who live 2 hrs away).

Part of your upset is that you’re expecting things from her that she won’t give. Stop expecting, move on without her

Good advice from pp.

You are right, it is a loss. Your mother is not the person you thought she was. It was something I had to come to terms with when I was in my 20s. I was never going to have the kind of close relationship with my mum that my friends had with theirs. Yes, it is sad.

I guess 95% of this stems from when I had my first DC, we both nearly died. She didn’t come and help, I had serious health complications and struggled to look after my newborn DC . She didn’t visit for over a month, I needed her help at that time. I needed someone as my husband couldn’t cope. I could barely stand. She hung up on me several times on the phone when I was crying my eyes out (“oh someone is at the door- got to go - bye!) and just seemed to dismiss how ill I was. Every visit since has been changed/ chopped and shortened as they don’t really want to be here. I guess I just want her to spend time with us. I can’t phone and talk to her as my dad is always listening/ involved and I can’t talk about any of it in front of him.

Are you sure this increasing gulf between you and your DM isn't being engineered by your Dad?

Op I hear you. I’m currently in therapy dealing with how my family treated me at the time of the wedding. I was always there for them and it hurts me that they were not there for me. Like you I was so close to my mum but now I realise it was all me. I’m learning to leave her to it and build my own networks

@Desecratedcoconut yes it is by some account - he is abusive and controlling. Extremely controlling and extremely difficult. But she is aware of this and has decided she isn’t going to do anything about it. I have been there for her/ supported her even throughout my childhood and teenage years with this, I was the only one she could talk to.

he expects his every wish to be pandered to. And I suppose I feel that when I was really in a bad way (eg nearly dead and in the depths of post natal depression) I should have come first.

im not sure that’s valid or not.

OP, I'm really sorry for what you're describing, it sounds like a lot.

My mum died aged 40 so never got the chance to support any of her kids with their own newborns.

It's clearly optimal for every new mum to have good support around her, from both friends and family. It's also clear that many don't get that, for a lot of reasons.

Reading between the lines, my hunch is that your mum is in a toxic marriage of her own. Your dad may be controlling her and limiting her involvement (maybe he was walking in when she hung up on you?) Or maybe all your pain is just too close to the bone for her.

Maybe she's hanging on to her sanity by a thread and doesn't have any more emotional energy to give you.

You might have imprinted what family looks like from this unhealthy dynamic and have chosen a witholding/unkind partner because he's like your dad.

In your shoes I'd get some therapy from someone good, laying all this out upfront.

But in a nutshell, yes, you do need to woman up. She raised you, her job is done. She's coping with her life, she can support you as best she can and that's all she can do. She's human too.

You made your choices as a grown woman, and you still do. You can choose to put up with it, or to confront her, and/or to cut them out. You can choose to stay or leave your marriage. I think it would be unproductive to blame your mum for how you feel when clearly she's got a lot on her own plate to deal with.

Sending you all good things and hope you feel better soon.

Grandmothers aren't childcare, they aren't to pick up the pieces. Some do and that's lovely but not to be expected. I've already told my children that we will love our grandchildren but not to expect anything childcare wise. Of course I would help in emergencies but I work and when I stop working it's to have fun

Some people cannot cope with emotions.

My mum is like that.

My kids are older but she used to come down and look after them for a week; we went on holiday with them; we have a good relationship.

She cannot cope with anyone crying and being upset. She just needs to leave.
She can't offer emotional support or console anyone or be there for them.

It is who she is.

There are times in my life I have felt very alone as my ExH (we were married for 20 years) did not always step up and I had to deal with work and children alone. My mum didn't want to know.

It's not great.

I tried to build friendships locally through baby and toddler groups, NCT groups, babysitting circles etc. it did help. Having small children is tough.

I think it is valid but I don't think it's changeable. It sounds like she made that decision a long time ago, but you are feeling it most now.

Perhaps, she also feels a bit helpless knowing how your dh has let you down and making your life harder but doesn't have a leg to stand on in advising you to put yourself and the dc first?

If your mum is being bullied alot by your dad then maybe she felt a bit abandoned by you when you moved 3 hours away.
Maybe she grieved for the friendship that she had with you but has settled for the life that she now has with your father.

Well my mum had a progressive degenerative disease exacerbated by stress by the time I was 20 so I pretty much stopped relying on my parents for anything as I didn't want to make her illness worse. I had a v traumatic miscarriage and an emotionally immature partner late 20's (much wanted baby) and pretty much had to suck that one up on my own.

I'm not unsympathetic OP, but your mother hasn't changed. She's always expected you to work around her so I don't think you should be too suprised or upset that she isn't working around you. I also think anyone expecting a parent to automatically provide childcare is a bit pathetic. You chose to have two children with a man who isn't husband/father material and hard as it can be, you need to own it and grow up a bit.