Seeking opinions of those with adult children

[Give0fecks]

I’d really like your opinions on how much is reasonable for your adult child to expect of you. I suppose I really mean emotionally but also perhaps with occasional practical help/ support to “give them a break”.

for context I am mid 30s, 2 young children and financially independent and have been for years. My parents live 4 hours away (I moved for my husbands work).

I’ll try and be succinct as it’s very complicated but essentially I feel I’m having a bit of a break down/ crisis due to multiple factors but mainly PTSD following 2 traumatic births and first baby nearly dying, emotional abuse from my husband and marital stress/ difficulties, and other life stress factors. Part of this is when going through all this I feel my mum let me down - I didn’t really have any help from anyone - specifically when physically extremely unwell having to soldier on and deal with all the practicalities of looking after 2 young children.

my dad is an extremely difficult man and she panders to him which I feel dismisses me. They are very much of the ‘suit themselves’ mentality which I find really upsets me - for example saying they will visit and changing the dates/ times short notice - eg now arriving 6 hours later than planned today (no reason) when I’m alone and juggling 2 sick children, I haven’t been able to leave the house in 4 days as kids are both poorly and husband is away. Never breaking their routine which I can’t accommodate with young children - eg wanting to go and sit in a pub every night between 5-7 when kids need dinner/bath. Never visit as often as they say they will.

I used to be so so close with my mum, she was my best friend but I used to fit in exactly around what they wanted all the time. I think I just feel so heart broken as I feel she has chosen his ‘wants’ over my needs.

I know this won’t make much sense but they are arriving later and to be honest I just want to cry and break down when she arrives.

I have two adult children who live a couple of hours away.

In all honesty I have always been very supportive and have often dropped everything to drive two hours up the motorway when they've been in need of help. I've helped them move house more times than I could count, I've helped them decorate etc.

That said, if either of them have children I have no plans to sign up for childcare on a regular basis like some of my friends have. If they need a weekend away without the dc or back up when they're poorly I'll be there, but I feel like I've done my bit and they're adults now.

In the situation you're in I'd have packed a bag and arrived to help for as long as you needed, because clearly you're struggling.

So you and your mum were close when you fitted into their situation but now you have kids you need more give and take and they are not forthcoming.

You need to create a situation that works for you. Arrange reliable childcare if you need it Ie nursery. There's no point in expecting more from your parents and being perpetually disappointed. Same with your husband, figure out what's best for you and kids and don't rely on flaky people.

As a mother of adult children (no grandchildren) this is an interesting one.
I have helped my children out lots both financially and emotionally.
However as I get older I am finding it more difficult; I am getting a little annoyed they can’t stand on their own two feet. If you never actually do stuff how do you learn to cope.
I know that sounds harsh but the only way I can describe it as in the same way that I am getting physically more frail, I am also getting emotionally more frail and find it difficult to cope with emotional demands that I could deal with in the past.

@Xoxoxoxoxoxox she did feel abandoned when I moved away - she told me so. But equally they pushed me into a career path which meant that moving away to university was necessary.

@Fairyliz thank you - the ‘emotional frailty’ is a good way of describing it.

@Fairyliz Thank you for articulating that, particularly the 'emotional frailty'. I too have adult children, but no grandchildren yet. My DM did little to nothing for me, despite living 3 miles away in the next village. There were plenty of times I could have done with help and she was breezily unavailable.

However, in retrospect she was 68 when my youngest DC was born. I am not yet that age, and my God - the constant tiredness of menopause, full time work and just feeling old is horrendous. I fall into bed by about 8pm most evenings, stressed and shattered. I do not want to be an emotional or physical support to anyone - I can barely cope with my own life, and I feel that my adult DC who are late 20s/early 30s are young, fit and should be sorting their own lives out. Not relying on 'Mummy' who is struggling. I don't want to look after other people's small children. I am desperately worried about covering my own bills with the CoL - I can't afford to financially offer help to anyone else. I can't summon the energy to do much.

I didn't realise in my 30s how tired I would be in my late 50s.

I'm not a parent of an adult child but I do have a very difficult mother.

I wonder if there is a locus of control thing going on here. You don't feel you have much control around your parents. You end up buffeted by them and their agenda which is very stressful for you and puts you in seemingly impossible dilemmas when their demands clash with your children's and your own needs.

You can take back control. You can decide to be less available, you can decide that your parents are welcome to go to the pub between 5 and 7 but you will be at home bathing the children. Your parents won't like it, and it is pretty natural for them to react against it, but that doesn't make it an impossible or unreasonable thing for you to do. At some point going through that friction may be inevitable. Try to focus on what you can control.

Also I would recommend looking up transactional analysis. I think it might be helpful for you to make a point of engaging with your mum in adult - adult ego states. At the moment I wonder if there is a bit too much child - parent interaction still, which is very understandable with your own mum but it can get uncomfortable on both sides once the child has grown up and has family of their own. I'm not calling you childish, I hope you will take this as a constructive idea and not a criticism. I would suggest taking a look at the Wikipedia page for transactional analysis or somesuch, and see if it chimes.

The only 'reasonable' expectation to have of anyone OP is a realistic one based on their behaviour to you in the past. The parent/child relationship doesn't come with a rule book that lists a set of obligations, so people choose how much they give in both directions.
If you're unfortunate enough to be in a situation where what is given is less than you'd like, you have no option but to accept and come to terms with it. Lower your expectations for that person, and you won't be disappointed or hurt.
When you've done that, decide whether what they offer is worth making an effort for. Then look around at the other people in your life. What relationships can you form or develop to help fill the gap?

Oh and to answer your question, I'm a mother to three adult children and whatever is in my gift or ability is theirs. Whether they will always find it 'enough' I don't know, as even my best, due to my personality and situation, may not always meet their needs.

OP, I voted yanbu because I get what it’s like to want your mum’s support when you’ve always supported her and fitted in w her. And not to get it when you’ve clearly been through a horrific time is awful. It feels so lonely when you just want to be mothered. And I remember thinking “but WHEN is it my turn, if not now, when I have small children, just had surgery and husband away?” But like PP have said, my mum has her own stuff. And she’s just not able to parent me the way I’d like to (and that was the when I was a kid too). It’s desperately sad. And it’s reasonable to think she might. But I’ve learned to build my family of choice so that it hurts less when my family of origin let me down once again.

I'm sorry you're going through hard times and hope it gets easier, but I think yabu about your mum.
How often do you expect her to be there for you, when you have moved 4 hours away?

@Chiar this is very insightful, thank you. I have read about TA but still don’t much understand it.

I am starting to itch a different counsellor who uses this after Xmas so maybe that will be helpful.

@OkayScooby its more being emotionally available, caring how I feel, being able to talk to her own the phone about important stuff.

The thing is, your mother is essentially a victim of domestic abuse with all the psychological trauma it entails. And while I appreciate your need and want to have some support from her, this may be well beyond her emotional capacity to provide it.
She didn't make a choice to remain with your father. She had her confidence destroyed over many years by an abusive partner which makes her feel like she has no other options but stay. He probably convinced her that she is worthless and that nobody will love her except for him. That's how emotional abuse works.
You may feel that they pushed you into a certain career the same way that your mother feels she has no choice but stay with him. In reality, both of you had a choice - you to go against your parents' wishes, her to break up with your father. But the circumstances did not allow either of you to confidently make that choice.
It may help to see the situation from her perspective because being angry and upset at her will not bring you closer. Both of you need support from each other and a therapy separately to resolve the trauma.
I had similar situation growing up and, luckily my mother was able to escape when I was 11 (only thanks to family members who were there to support). For many years I was angry with her for not leaving the relationship sooner and for failing to talk about it. The truth is, she can't and she will never be able to. Being angry with her wasn't going to change that but once I was able to let go of my own hurt, our relationship improved dramatically.

I think it's hard for you all. She probably does want to help but doesn't know how to. Can you help her to help you? Does she know how you feel. What do you practically want from her? And have you told her.
It sounds as though her life with your dad isn't easy either and she may have her own problems.
She is four hours away and it's not as though she is near and can just pop in.
Ultimately though you are an adult in charge of your own life and you can't expect your mum to solve all your problems. That is too much to expect from her.