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Original poster

DH suddenly wants lots of sex after being almost celibate for a few years

70 replies

mindsetchange · 04/12/2023 20:11

DH and I have always had mismatched sex drives. I had a high sex drive. His was low. I’ve spent many nights in bed looking at his back, yearning for sex. Fast forward to now, I’ve lost weight, had a face lift, I actually look amazing and he wants to jump my bones every 5 minutes. On the one hand that’s nice, but on the other, I feel like it’s too little too late. We had a few days of non stop sex, which was nice, but now I’m getting a bit bored of it. I’m 54, I just feel like he missed the boat so badly. I was desperate for sex in my 40s but he didn’t take it and now it’s just a bit too late or presumptuous to think he can just pick me up now like a toy that hasn’t been played with in years. I’m so shocked at my reaction to this. I thought if he had a turn around I’d jump on it, but now it’s happened I’m a bit Meh. And when I say he won’t leave me alone, I mean he follows me about, trying to snog me and grind on me , and I feel like screaming you’re 10 years too late to the party !

OP posts:
Mirabai · 04/12/2023 21:59

Outliers · 04/12/2023 21:46

Men are physical/visual. It sounds like you've made a greater investment into your appearance and this is the dividends.

I don't see the big deal.

Not this bollocks. Men are just shallow.

Outofmydepthnow · 04/12/2023 22:06

Isn't this a basic law of attraction though ?

My DH piled on the weight and didn't take care of personal grooming too much. Only really making an effort when going out. I simply don't fancy obese men. I would love to say I could see passed the great wobbles of belly fat , to the lovely kind and loving partner he is.. but I just couldn't . I absolutely loved him but was not sexually attracted at all.. then he had a serious health scare and that kicked his arse in gear.

Healthy eating and regular exercise bought him back to the man that did sexually attract me and by 55 after an 8 year hiatus.. our sex life got back on track better than ever.

So yes it's shallow but it's also biology. You can't choose what you fancy sexually . Some like it fat, thin, muscular, beards, piercings, tattoos etc. some are completely turned off by that.

Personally OP I would enjoy it as much as you want but don't overthink it .

EmmaEmerald · 04/12/2023 22:07

What’s the medication? He needs less of it.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 04/12/2023 22:08

EmmaEmerald · 04/12/2023 22:07

What’s the medication? He needs less of it.

What's the medication asking for a friend ?

TheMoreYouKnow · 04/12/2023 22:21

Are you now the size you were when you first met? Did his libido wane when you put the weight on or was it always like that?
It maybe because you're now like the original person he met in looks. Like getting a younger model. Or could be he's worried you're looking so good that you're going to leave him for a younger model. Either way, I'd be pissed off that he's only being like this now. Hate to generalise but men are attracted by looks, women by feelings. All that time you spent frustrated and now suddenly he wants it so that's OK? I'd be giving him a taste of his own medicine tbh and telling him nah you're alright I'm no longer interested.

SharSharBinks · 04/12/2023 22:33

I think physical attraction is often a weird one. In many cases you can't dictate it with ethics. For example, if you pile on the lbs your partner may just not find you attractive no matter whether he 'should'. I don't think sexual attraction can be forced even if it can bloom due to others reasons like getting to know somebody or falling for their personality in a sapiosexual way.

SharSharBinks · 04/12/2023 22:35

Outofmydepthnow · 04/12/2023 22:06

Isn't this a basic law of attraction though ?

My DH piled on the weight and didn't take care of personal grooming too much. Only really making an effort when going out. I simply don't fancy obese men. I would love to say I could see passed the great wobbles of belly fat , to the lovely kind and loving partner he is.. but I just couldn't . I absolutely loved him but was not sexually attracted at all.. then he had a serious health scare and that kicked his arse in gear.

Healthy eating and regular exercise bought him back to the man that did sexually attract me and by 55 after an 8 year hiatus.. our sex life got back on track better than ever.

So yes it's shallow but it's also biology. You can't choose what you fancy sexually . Some like it fat, thin, muscular, beards, piercings, tattoos etc. some are completely turned off by that.

Personally OP I would enjoy it as much as you want but don't overthink it .

You said it much better than me....

beanontoast · 04/12/2023 22:44

Given you didn't enjoy the dead bedroom, and it doesn't sound like you're planning to leave him, it sounds like you're cutting off your nose to spite your face a bit here tbh

Kittylala · 04/12/2023 22:47

Your husband finds you sexy again! Sounds like you made an effort. Go on, have fun!!!!

userxx · 04/12/2023 22:59

Kittylala · 04/12/2023 22:47

Your husband finds you sexy again! Sounds like you made an effort. Go on, have fun!!!!

So now her husband is up for it again the op should gratefully oblige ? Fuck that.

EmmaEmerald · 04/12/2023 23:01

There's also the thing of, just because you feel you had no cake for 10 years, you don't want cake every day. One reason I like being single is no pressure in that way.

tip - don't date a man half your age like I did this summer - lovely guy but perma-horn!! 😂

side note - I tend to imagine a facelift would be quite traumatic but if I lose weight, .i bet my face will sink like a souffle!

Josette77 · 05/12/2023 00:19

I think it sounds like a win/win.

Sexual attraction can't be forced, and it sounds like he fancies you like crazy again.

Kittylala · 06/12/2023 16:06

He clearly finds her attractive. My partner has lost a lot of weight and I find him sexy again. Guess what....we are having lotsnof sex again!!!!

Kittylala · 06/12/2023 16:11

userxx · 04/12/2023 22:59

So now her husband is up for it again the op should gratefully oblige ? Fuck that.

Show quote history

He clearly finds her attractive. My partner has lost a lot of weight and I find him sexy again. Guess what....we are having lot's of sex again!!!!

Alohapotato · 06/12/2023 16:17

He wasn't attracted to you and now he is, I would just enjoy the sex but if this makes you uncomfortable just tell him how it makes you feel.

EyeInTheSky23 · 06/12/2023 16:26

Hate to generalise but men are attracted by looks, women by feelings

That must be why handsome men always struggle so much to get partners.🙄

Get two men - a handsome, fit one and a well below average looks one - to try the same line on women in a bar and see who fares better.

Wahtnow · 06/12/2023 16:42

I would be lovely to think this is all a result of him suddenly finding his wife more attractuve, but I'd guess someone else is turning him on. It's not unusual for men (and women) to have an increased sex drive in the early days of an affair, when they're doing lots of flirting but not finding much opportunity for sex 😪

VDUBCV4 · 06/12/2023 16:46

He finds you more attractive and maybe the thought of other people fancying you is turning him on.

Youthinkyoureuniqueyourejustastatistic · 06/12/2023 16:50

So like some meds can take 3-6 months or even a year to properly kick in….it could be the meds too.

tennesseewhiskey1 · 06/12/2023 16:56

He sounds gross and shallow.

Charlize43 · 06/12/2023 17:09

I'd love to hear about your face lift, what they did and what the motivation was behind it? Was it very expensive?

Bobbotgegrinch · 06/12/2023 17:45

Stupid question but how's your self confidence?

I fancy DP more when she's feeling good about herself. I don't tend to notice when she's gained a few pounds, lost a few pounds etc. Hell, I struggle to tell when shes had a hair cut (It's aphantasia related, I have no mental picture of what she looked like yesterday to compare to.)

While I don't notice the physical changes, I sure as hell notice the self confidence that goes with it, she'll be happier in tighter clothes, more willing to walk around naked, more likely to initiate sex, etc.

If she's feeling good about herself, then I'm more likely to want to have sex with her.

kirinm · 06/12/2023 19:37

He's taking medicine for his libido but you appear to write that off as a contributing factor when it seems like a major factor?

Original poster
mindsetchange · 07/12/2023 08:17

The medication is Tadalafil 5mg, taken once a day. But from googling, this is not meant to increase your sex drive. It does however, completely solve ED, in that you can get an erection at any time - unlike viagra where you have to anticipate sex and take a pill 30 mins before. I think a huge factor here, is that the previous worry about "performing" has disappeared.

To answer some questions. I am not as thin as when we first met, but I do look a lot better. The facelift and a few other bits was circa £10k. I am more confident, but to be honest that did not translate to the bedroom, as I kind of gave up initiating a long time ago. Him initiating has taken me by complete surprise.

I am not the kind to hold a grudge, nor do I overthink for very long, so I am just going with the flow and having all the sex 😂I need to shake myself up a bit, because a year or so ago, I was very horny all of the time, but over time it waned because I just wasn't getting any. If that makes sense. But I can feel it coming back quite strongly, thank goodness.

I hope this isn't short lived, as I would hate to get all turned on and then get dropped, if this is just a phase.

I would be lovely to think this is all a result of him suddenly finding his wife more attractive, but I'd guess someone else is turning him on. It's not unusual for men (and women) to have an increased sex drive in the early days of an affair, when they're doing lots of flirting but not finding much opportunity for sex 😪

This comment resonated with me, because deep down I am very insecure and paranoid, as my first H cheated throughout our entire relationship. But DH has never given me any cause for concern. But yes, my awfully paranoid mind did go there. I have snapped myself out of that though, because every time I've been paranoid in this relationship, I have been wrong.

OP posts:
Davros · 07/12/2023 08:36

My experience is that Tadenafil or Sidenafil does indeed cause higher sex drive. My DH became sex obsessed in my view, it was horrible, I really felt objectified and it totally turned me off.