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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to dinner with my estranged Mother..

42 replies

NotQuiteUsual · 04/12/2023 16:03

For background I cut contact with my Mum a few years ago. There were a lot of reasons and the relationship was incredibly unhealthy. I can go further into it if it's deemed relevant. But it was not a decision I made lightly and haunts me most days. Even so my life is much more stable for not having the constant drama and judgement. My DH won't allow her a relationship with the children for their mental well being which I agree with even though it's an incredibly difficult thing to get my head around.

The other important piece of background is that I'm recovering from psychosis. It's going really well, but I'm very vulnerable right now and under a lot of professionals to keep my recovery going.

Yesterday, despite living on the other side of the country my Mum appeared on my doorstep late at night and invited me out to dinner with her boyfriend tonight. It was weird. We hugged it was a generally pleasant but shocking interaction. Apparently she's got a hotel nearby for a few days with the purpose of doing this. Immediately afterwards I had a massive panic attack and needed a hefty dose of diazepam to calm down. Basically it feels like the one boundary I was able to put down successfully of no contact, she ignored and came to my safe space and forced my hand.

I also know the whole thing probably came from a not malicious place, she misses her daughter and wants a relationship. But I don't think I can sit there in public, with her and a stranger and act like everything is ok. I'd love to catch up, but I'm terrified. I know she'll try to arrange seeing the children and I'll be too weak and vulnerable to be able to say no. Even if I say no she just won't hear me say it, she'll just turn up again. But she's my mother, I feel so guilty letting her down. Then again where's her guilt for the years and years of my life she ruined? I can not think straight when it comes to get so please Aibu to not go out for dinner with them?

OP posts:
maslinpan · 04/12/2023 16:17

No, you should definitely not be manipulated into going out for dinner. Turn off your phone, get your DH to answer the door if she turns up and tell her you have changed your mind. It will be an evening from hell. If a brief meeting triggered a panic attack, what would a full evening do?

Lottapianos · 04/12/2023 16:18

You are extremely vulnerable, and you are not emotionally safe around her. As you say, she violated a boundary you had put in place by coming to your home. You can't trust her

It's not an easy decision to go no contact with someone, especially a parent, but it sounds like on balance you feel like it has been a positive thing for you. So stick with it. Put yourself and your own needs first

Windthebloodybobbinup · 04/12/2023 16:21

Agree with the above. She has already demonstrated that she does not respect your boundaries by turning up unannounced. She either wanted to catch you off guard or is incredibly ignorant of your feelings. I wouldn't want anyone, including my best friend, to turn up unannounced and expect me to go to dinner with them and some partner! Bizarre behaviour and does not bode well:

Original poster
NotQuiteUsual · 04/12/2023 16:21

It is manipulation isn't it? It's the same bloody mind games it's always been. Thank you. I hadn't even thought about how manipulative the situation is. I do love her dearly though, I wish going no contact was an easier choice. But I truly don't feel she's capable of a relationship that isn't damaging to me.

OP posts:
TenderChicken · 04/12/2023 16:24

From what you've written it is clear you shouldn't go x

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 04/12/2023 16:25

I m nc with my dm. She was a rubbish dm as a dc and as a adult she was bad for my mh. Been 20 years. If she turned up she would be told to bugger off. Imo your dm has reinvented herself to her new bf.. And has rewritten your history.

Buddhabobby · 04/12/2023 16:27

It's crystal clear that it's complete manipulation. She's betting that you won't have the guts to say no to her infront of her new boyfriend whilst she's on your doorstep.

She knows exactly what she is doing.

Think about that. Let that sink in.

She knows exactly what she is doing.

You say you love her, but her form of love is to control and dominate your personal space. Is that love?

You've got a lot more healing to do. Start by protecting the hard work you've already done..

Don't go out and let your DH shield you from her.

RedHelenB · 04/12/2023 16:28

If you love her I think you should see her.

Godzillaisjusthangry · 04/12/2023 16:30

RedHelenB · 04/12/2023 16:28

If you love her I think you should see her.

This is not good advice.

Her turning up has triggered a panic attack in you. Listen to your body, it's in flight mode response right now.

Give yourself space to stabilise.

Original poster
NotQuiteUsual · 04/12/2023 16:31

Funnily enough it was less than a week ago my Psychologist brought my attention to how my mother's behaviour was a big trigger for my psychosis. While I'm still healing from psychosis I'd be mad to go meet with my main trigger wouldn't I? In fact it would be insulting to all the hard work my care team have put in.

I don't want to be a doormat.

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 04/12/2023 16:32

'But I truly don't feel she's capable of a relationship that isn't damaging to me.'

And that's intensely painful - not being able to get what you need from a parent. It's horrible. But it's so important to be clear and realistic about who she is, and how manipulative she is, and how she doesn't seem to be capable of giving you what you need emotionally. Keep reminding yourself of the huge risks to your emotional wellbeing from being around her. You made the huge decision to go no contact for very good reasons - hold on to that

Quitelikeit · 04/12/2023 16:32

Can I ask what type of things caused you to go no contact?

PTSDBarbiegirl · 04/12/2023 16:33

I feel really sad for you to have been shocked in such a pushy and controlling way. Do you really want to catch up or are you being guilt tripped into saying it and doubting yourself? Psychosis is serious, I don't think you should go. If you are going to negotiate a meeting with someone you have gone NC with it needs to be at your pace and respect your boundaries. From this example it sadly doesn't sound like your Mother respects your boundaries atm. Look after your mental health. 💐

Quitelikeit · 04/12/2023 16:33

Did she know you were NC?

ExpressionSession · 04/12/2023 16:33

She is not emotionally safe and you are vulnerable. Absolutely no way should you be going.

The trust breaks down in these situations and resentment starts to build up when the trust breaks down, you need to protect yourself.

Buddhabobby · 04/12/2023 16:34

NotQuiteUsual · 04/12/2023 16:31

Funnily enough it was less than a week ago my Psychologist brought my attention to how my mother's behaviour was a big trigger for my psychosis. While I'm still healing from psychosis I'd be mad to go meet with my main trigger wouldn't I? In fact it would be insulting to all the hard work my care team have put in.

I don't want to be a doormat.

That's a really good way of looking at it.

Don't undo all the hard work you and the team have done.

Yirk · 04/12/2023 16:35

Could you contemplate just a meet up with only your mother in a more informal setting...ie coffee shop?

trulyunruly01 · 04/12/2023 16:38

I would send dh to explain to her why you're not going, and also to appeal to her to allow you to continue your recovery without direct contact.
Do you think some sort of letterbox arrangement might work, if she texted dh every so often and he could update her, and he could also filter what info is passed on to you.
If she is truly interested in the best for you, she'd accept this. If not, you have your answer - it's all about her image with her new bf and using you to aid that. And that means NC at all.
No involvement of the dc at this stage at all.

Original poster
NotQuiteUsual · 04/12/2023 16:40

Yirk · 04/12/2023 16:35

Could you contemplate just a meet up with only your mother in a more informal setting...ie coffee shop?

No, she wouldn't accept me changing her plans. She wouldn't understand why what she wants wasn't ok with me when it was with her. Which says a lot when I think about it..

OP posts:
Hellenbach · 04/12/2023 16:42

You're not well, psychosis is a mental illness and you're undergoing treatment. Think of it like a broken leg.
You need to recover and prioritise your health.
It's extremely unfair of her to ambush you and to expect you to fit in with her wishes.
Christmas brings out guilt in people. She's possibly doing this to make herself look/feel better.
Sadly it's not about your needs or feelings.

calmandcaffeinated · 04/12/2023 16:58

I went nc with my df for 5 years due to a toxic relationship with him and dsm. I also had to go nc with dm for 6 months. Honestly, the best thing you can do is go nc until such a time you feel things have changed and you want to reach out. This must be on your terms and your terms only. I say this as a daughter of two toxic parents who both at various times clearly put themselves above all else, at the neglect of me and ds. Please don't see her tomorrow and ensure you have a safe space to stay or someone to stay with you to support you.

Mrgrinch · 04/12/2023 17:01

I'd be willing to bet that she wants something from you.

Vuurhoutjies · 04/12/2023 17:02

It's completely manipulative. And even if she has the best will in the world, genuinely loves and misses you etc, one assumes that she knows you've cut contact for your mental health so forcing this on you is completely not okay. I am close to my family, but I think if one of them turned up late on a Sunday night to invite me to dinner the following night I'd still be shocked and off balance.

It sounds like your DH has your back on this, as does your care team. I would ask him to let her know it's not appropriate or right for you and if necessary, perhaps put in a call to your therapist.

Original poster
NotQuiteUsual · 04/12/2023 17:14

Right I'm turning my phone off for the night now. Thank you all so much for the advice and support.

OP posts:
ManateeFair · 04/12/2023 17:18

RedHelenB · 04/12/2023 16:28

If you love her I think you should see her.

That's terrible advice. Loving someone doesn't necessarily mean it's wise to continue seeing them. Most children, on some level, love their parents - but that doesn't mean their parents aren't abusive or manipulative or dangerous.

Bear in mind that the mere appearance of her gave the OP who is recovering from psychosis, a full-on panic attack that required treatment with sedatives, and that her mother was also harming the mental health of the OP's own children. So no, don't tell her to go for fucking dinner like everything's fine.

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