To not go to dinner with my estranged Mother..

[NotQuiteUsual]

For background I cut contact with my Mum a few years ago. There were a lot of reasons and the relationship was incredibly unhealthy. I can go further into it if it's deemed relevant. But it was not a decision I made lightly and haunts me most days. Even so my life is much more stable for not having the constant drama and judgement. My DH won't allow her a relationship with the children for their mental well being which I agree with even though it's an incredibly difficult thing to get my head around.

The other important piece of background is that I'm recovering from psychosis. It's going really well, but I'm very vulnerable right now and under a lot of professionals to keep my recovery going.

Yesterday, despite living on the other side of the country my Mum appeared on my doorstep late at night and invited me out to dinner with her boyfriend tonight. It was weird. We hugged it was a generally pleasant but shocking interaction. Apparently she's got a hotel nearby for a few days with the purpose of doing this. Immediately afterwards I had a massive panic attack and needed a hefty dose of diazepam to calm down. Basically it feels like the one boundary I was able to put down successfully of no contact, she ignored and came to my safe space and forced my hand.

I also know the whole thing probably came from a not malicious place, she misses her daughter and wants a relationship. But I don't think I can sit there in public, with her and a stranger and act like everything is ok. I'd love to catch up, but I'm terrified. I know she'll try to arrange seeing the children and I'll be too weak and vulnerable to be able to say no. Even if I say no she just won't hear me say it, she'll just turn up again. But she's my mother, I feel so guilty letting her down. Then again where's her guilt for the years and years of my life she ruined? I can not think straight when it comes to get so please Aibu to not go out for dinner with them?

Bloody hell, you poor thing. Focus on getting yourself well again xx

Do not continue contact with your mother. Could your DH perhaps tell her she is not to turn up at your house like that again?

If you can't decline her offer, then go with your husband for moral support.
If something triggers you at least your husband will be by your side and take you back home if needed.

Oh love, I am so sorry to hear this. You put down a clear boundary, and she has shown she will ignore it when she wants to. Don't go to dinner. If you think there may be any benefit at all to you from having a conversation with her, speak to your psychologist to see if she will do a joint session to support you saying anything you need to to your mother, and to get support with anything she says to you.

Your reaction to her showing up tells you all you need to know. Despite the love ,guilt and all that , the main emotion was fear/panic.

No one who makes you feel that way deserves to be in your life.

I suspect it's your kids she wants. She wants to play happy families with the new boyfriend and the grandchildren.

Don't go. Don't engage. Reiterate once - through DH if he's willing - that you want no contact at all, then cut her dead.

Her turning up triggered a panic attack. Just read that back. Her mere presence shocked you into panic mode. Listen to your body and don’t go, you aren’t ready to start to rebuild anything (and you may never be ready and that’s also ok. People’s actions have consequences as hard as they may be to live with). You’re right you owe it to yourself, your family and those who have supported you to rebuild yourself without her breaking you down.

Also you don’t simply turn up at an unsociable hour on someone’s doorstep out of the goodness of your heart. Even less so someone you’ve caused a great deal of pain to who had cut contact. You do that to shock them, put them on the spot and please yourself and your own selfish needs. She wasn’t thinking about you doing that she was thinking about her.

I agree with everything everyone has said about not going. The problem is how?
I have a MIL like this. Turns up on the doorstep, and will cry, banging on the door, until she is let in.
Please wise MNs, give some real advice as to what to do!

Good to turning off your phone.

Do not answer the phone.

It is highly manipulative to turn up at your door.

Do not compromise your MH, your children and family life.

You have agency, simply refuse further contact.

I'm so sorry that life has been so hard for you.

Protect what you have built.

Depends on whether OP will regret the decision or not tbh. And only OP knows the answer to that.

I think if she'd turned up alone I'd be more tempted to give her the benefit of the doubt, but to turn up with her boyfriend and insist you all go to dinner together? No that's unfair.

Better to live with the regret of not knowing the bullets you've dodged than to actually be hit with them.

The situation is obviously that toxic that the OP needs psychiatric support. That is a clear indication that this is not a safe person and sometimes there just aren't second chances with people who impact your mental health so badly.

Also, the OP has to consider not only herself but her children and her marriage. Her mother is not worth risking her future for or the wellbeing of her children. They are more important.

So regrets? maybe, but better that than living with the consequences of letting an extremely toxic person in to do more damage.

@NotQuiteUsual I wonder if she is just using you to show off for boyfriend. Is he someone you know or someone new? (My mum basically treated me and my kids as props depending on what she was trying to project about herself.)

Manipulation? She's trying to bloody well bulldoze you!!!!

There is no subtlety in it, she is attempting to force you to see her.

Get a camera/ring doorbell and vet everyone who comes to the door from now on. If she comes again, don't answer.

@NotQuiteUsual

Been wondering how you are. Hope you had a peaceful and healing Christmas 🌺

@Buddhabobby I'm okish. Christmas was lovely but we did too much and now I'm paying for it. Just trying to settle back into routine again. Routine always helps. Thank you for asking, I hope your Christmas was lovely.

So glad to hear that OP.

I hope 2024 is a happy and peaceful year for you x