Staff night out AIBU?

[mumzy7xx]

AIBU Christmas staff night out is coming up already a lot have cancelled due to money or another reason ect. My very close friend also works there too , we get on well with most people. I barely know how I’m going to make it through the week before pay day let alone with Christmas just a few weeks away, she has offered to get me a couple of drinks there but still with drinks before,train ect it will cost. I told her how I feel and my situation and even tho kindly offered to help isn’t quite understanding and being actually quite pushy. Sayings things along the line of ‘everything I’ve done for you in past ect’ ‘ you will be letting me down’ ect , I have a 1 year old to look after she doesn’t so my money priorities are abit different to hers. She is friends enough with our other work Friends to go without me. Also another work college texted me saying ‘I’m not taking no for an answer’
So why is it I’m being backed into a corner and feeling extremely pressured into this am I being unreasonable for cancelling something I simply can’t afford?

Just ignore the messages and don’t go. They can’t physically force you to go and if they message/ring the night of the night out ignore it, and after if they go on about it just tell them you told them you couldn’t afford it and shut the conversation down.

if you tell yourself now you are not going then you will save yourself a lot of stress in the lead up to it.

Urgh, I hate it when people do this. If you've said no then they should just accept that. Stand your ground, keep saying "Sorry, I can't this year," and let them sulk. They're not good friends if they're not understanding and accepting.

YANBU you can't afford it, end of conversation.

As a parent you are going to have to grow a backbone as time goes on. This is an excellent opportunity to practice.
You say no.
And stick to it!
Job done.

People who use emotional blackmail are using you.

You could go and not drink and use the money she was offering for the train fare.
But only if you WANT to go.
Don't be pushed into doing something that a. You can't afford and b. Don't want to do.

Also another work college texted me saying ‘I’m not taking no for an answer
I would tell this work colleague to piss off.

I doubt she's offering to hand over £20 tho, just get her the odd drink when she goes to the bar.

Op of she's a good friend, she'll hear you. Message her and say you're very grateful for her generous offer but you cannot afford the night in general and even if you found £20 down the sofa tonight, there's so many more NEEDS you'd need to tend to first.

The work colleague, just reply "you'll have to. I've said no and I mean it".

Laugh it off and just repeat you are gutted too but in all seriousness you cant afford it so wont go, but dont flap about and say you are going and then not then are then not that just messes people about and subsequently encourages this type of conversation.

I have a friend always says they cant go as they want you to beg them to come for whatever reason, werher that be confidence or control who knows. Now I just ignore the faffing and say thats a shame hopefully you can but fully understand if you cant. 99% if you do that they still come and you dont have all this faffing about. Perhaps they think thats what you are doing?

Take it as a compliment they clearly really enjoy your company as annoying as it is for you just stand firm.

FYI I always go as I have terrible FOMO 😂

Thank you for your reply. That’s definitely not what sort of reaction I’m trying to get from them I’m not too bothered about other colleagues opinion however when my BF is almost guilting me into it I feel an immense pressure. Before I had a child I was just last minute wherever whenever but my situation has completely changed now along with my priorities and I think she just totally misses the point , she also earns probably 3x more than me as I’m limited hours with child care ect. So money is tight as it is, I feel as though I always am trying to please people through fear of loosing little friends I do have. As sad as that sounds , it’s just my reality now that unfortunately.

I definitely do need to grow a back bone when it comes to speaking us for myself.🥲

Just say train £20 + babysitter = £x
This outing is not in my budget.

Ach ignore them. Be sensible, don’t go, stay with your child, let them go ahead with their evening plans and you do you.

She’s clearly selfish and lacks understanding of your situation, if you can’t afford to go, don’t go
She also sounds very immature, like she needs her friend to go to a party with her

You have every right to say no. You don't need to explain yourself. No, I'm not going. Full stop. The end.

"That doesn't work for me" don't add in a sorry, no added reasons or justifications.

It's one of the most satisfying messages to send and makes me feel like a proper adult. It's not rude, it's not apologetic it's just simple and very hard to come back on.

I have a friend of a friend who is forever trying to control what I do and using various guilt tactics. No thank you and that doesn't work for me. Job done.

You have no need to apologise or explain. It's not within your budget so you won't be going. Keep repeating.

I dont think telling OP to ignore them completely is helpful its her BF and they only want her to go as they enjoy her company.

OP make a decision and stand firm. If last minute you change your mind great but just dont chop and change tell them straight and firm now.

Going against the flow here - it is possible to go out and not spend money if it’s just a party and not a sit down meal? If your friend really wants to help and you do want to socialise, be honest and say you can’t afford the train fare. If they want to support you then they can buy it for you as a small Xmas pressie. You could go and hang out, don’t buy drinks and leave early when everyone else gets really drunk, and you’ll be fresh to play with your little one in the morning.

That said, there is a big difference between your friends saying they’d really love to see you there and the emotional blackmail that you’ve quoted above (which is completely unacceptable!)so definitely think about whether you do want to socialise with these people.

I agree, if it’s just drinks then have water interspersed with a few soft drinks.

If it’s going to cost loads then decline but if you just can’t be bothered it’s poor form. Most people don’t particularly like work nights out but it’s an important part of team-building and bonding.

Just say no and learn to ignore people. It’s not the be all and end all if you don’t go to a works party.

The 'after all
I've done for you' is horribly controlling op

Either tell them straight. My bills are huge, Christmas is expensive, my pay is lower than yours.
Or
Smile sweetly and develop a migraine suddenly on the day...

Just be honest and start a group message with your 2 colleagues and say "guys I am feeling really pressured here and I don't think you understand the situation: I quite literally can't afford the train fare OR drinks there, it sucks but thats the truth. I feel really bad saying this but honestly the only way I'm going to be able to come is if you can help me out with both those things, otherwise I'm sorry but I can't make it".

If you're struggling to make it to payday, you can't afford to go. I think you're doing the responsible thing prioritising your bills and essential costs, your 1yo is your priority. If you're happy to explain your situation to your friend, maybe try once more that even if she helps, you still can't afford this night out but you'd love to do something with her when things are less tight. If she continues to push, I'd just ignore her, or not really engage i.e respond along the lines of "I agree its such a shame I'm gutted too but I just can't afford to come" and repeat parrot like every time she pushes.

That sounds like my idea of hell. Drinking water with everyone else out on a jolly, explaining to everyone why she isn't drinking, the gossip of ooh drinking water, is she or isn't she pregnant again afterwards. They aren't even proper friends they are work colleagues. Plus, if OP is that short of money presumbly she'll be hoping to avoid exchanging presents with people where possible, and even if this friend is planning on buying her a pressie, why would she waste a present on train fare to watch her work colleagues get pissed up.

@Canthelpmyselffromjoiningin have you never been out in the evening and not had a drink? Easy to think it’s a big deal if you’ve never tried it. Unsurprisingly, most people don’t actually care what you’re doing.
And OP said above they are good friends, not just colleagues.