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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider this?

35 replies

icepole · 04/12/2023 07:39

My niece is currently camping in my aunt’s living room as she was removed from her mother who drinks. Her dad, my brother, says he is trying to get appropriate accommodation to take her on but nothing much is happening and I don’t see that changing. It’s been months. My aunt is elderly and unwell and doesn’t think she can go on with the current set up.

I have started to consider if we could have her. She’s a lovely girl and no one seems to want her. Reasons to hesitate are - we have two dc, one with asd. Could be hard for them. I have health issues and when they kick off I need a lot of rest. House is small, we have a box room that is currently an office we could convert for her but wouldn’t be a lot of space. Her parents are both difficult to deal with. I currently don’t interact with either of them and don’t fancy inviting that chaos into my life.

Obviously there’s much to consider, it’s hard to step back and see clearly when it’s family. I don’t want to make things worse for her or us. I don’t want her to be left in her situation.

OP posts:
1willgetthere · 04/12/2023 07:45

Do you live close? I'm thinking if same school as your dc , have her over after school a few times a week, enrole her in your dc hobbies if she would be keen and take her with yours, and a sleep over on the weekend. So supporting the auntie but not taking over completely. Would that be an option?

Original poster
icepole · 04/12/2023 07:48

That’s a good idea! We could definitely have her over for weekends etc. Also I can do that immediately with no need to have endless discussions with her parents. Thank you!

OP posts:
Sirzy · 04/12/2023 07:48

How old is she? How old are your children? Do they know each other?

people will be along saying “I would do it in a heartbeat” type things but they are saying that without the emotion and reality of the situation. It needs to work for you and your children as well as your neice.

TizerorFizz · 04/12/2023 07:48

@icepole Who removed your niece from her mother? What age is she? Why doesn’t her father have her? Why doesn’t he take parental control? He’s her dad! Why is it other family members who take her? Does he love her? You all sound awful.

TizerorFizz · 04/12/2023 07:50

You also need to get in touch with social services.

Original poster
icepole · 04/12/2023 07:52

Social services removed her as her mother was drinking. Her dad lives with another woman and her children in a different city and she won’t let her come. He says he is looking for a place. He had a history of drug addiction which is why that marriage fell apart and why I keep my distance. She’s with my aunt as there was no where else for her to go that was safe and suitable. I think he does love her but he doesn’t have the skills to take care of himself really, never mind her. She is ten.

Not sure why I am awful. I didn’t create this situation and am trying to find ways to help.

OP posts:
Original poster
icepole · 04/12/2023 07:53

Social services are fully involved already.

OP posts:
rainbowunicorn · 04/12/2023 07:53

TizerorFizz · 04/12/2023 07:48

@icepole Who removed your niece from her mother? What age is she? Why doesn’t her father have her? Why doesn’t he take parental control? He’s her dad! Why is it other family members who take her? Does he love her? You all sound awful.

Exactly how does OP sound awful? She is looking at ways to help this child, what's so awful about that?
You should be ashamed of yourself for coming on here and saying that.

jobono · 04/12/2023 07:54

@rainbowunicorn Well said!

flowerchild2000 · 04/12/2023 07:58

I think weekends are a great idea, you could get a feel for if it would work long term or not. Maybe some legal groundwork could be laid so there's an intermediary between you and the parents. Not sure how that works but I would want a third impartial party like an ad litem so as you said, no direct dealings with the chaos.

TizerorFizz · 04/12/2023 08:00

Sorry - a bit harsh! But she’s a child!!! How is she looking after herself? I think she’s had enough trauma in her life without no one wanting her. It all sounds unloving and heartless.

Talk it over with her social worker or she goes into care, doesn’t she?! What other option is there. Clearly her dad is a waste of space. What decent man doesn’t take care of his own daughter? So if you are the only vaguely caring person in her life, I think you have to try and work something out. I’m amazed SS thought camping in a sitting room with an older relative was ok.

Where are her grandparents? Do they care about their granddaughter? Or have they disappeared from her life too? Maybe I was right. It’s all awful.

Hiddenvoice · 04/12/2023 08:01

Not sure how it all works with social services but I definitely think starting with weekends is a great idea. Maybe weekends and a couple of nights a week she could come over for dinner. This could then potentially be increased over the Christmas break once you are your children are a bit more adjusted to it.

I think it’s lovely you’re considering this, I really feel for this little girl.

Original poster
icepole · 04/12/2023 08:01

Yes, I feel really positive about that. I can take some of the pressure off the situation straight away and take it from there. Not sure why I didn’t think of it! Couldn’t see the wood for the trees.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 04/12/2023 08:01

At 10 I’d want to take her and make it work, poor child. A box room is preferable to a sofa and family life will be better suited than an aunt

CalistoNoSolo · 04/12/2023 08:02

Can you find out about adopting her and cutting her father and mother out of the loop? Your brother sounds toxic tbh, no child needs to be anywhere near a drug addict. I'm guessing SS removed her from the mother and authorised the move to her aunts house? Can you approach the child's case worker and see how the land lies? I don't think you sound awful at all, and I can totally understand your misgivings.

TizerorFizz · 04/12/2023 08:05

@rainbowunicorn It is poor to leave a 10 year old on a camp bed with an older great aunt that cannot cope! Crap father. Crap mother. No grandparents mentioned so possibly crap grandparents too. If anyone thinks this is ok for a 10 year old, they are seriously wrong! This situation is awful. How must this girl feel ? No one cares that matters in her life do they? Not really.

BelindaOkra · 04/12/2023 08:05

Why on earth have SS placed a ten year old in such an unsuitable environment? Weekends sound a good plan initially. If you can manage to take her on it would give her a much better environment and will help her understand she is wanted & valued. You do need to be honest with yourself about whether you can cope as losing your home if you found it was too much would be devastating for her. You are wise not to rush in before knowing whether you can manage it

TizerorFizz · 04/12/2023 08:10

@icepole You should ask SS about this. What other option is there? Other than she goes to a foster parent outside the family? The current situation is not acceptable.

To consider this?
Original poster
icepole · 04/12/2023 08:12

Grandparents on my side are no longer with us. Her mum’s mum lives far away and is as bad as her mother, drinking issues.

Ss seem to think it’s fine she’s in the living room, I think she needs her own space and while my aunt absolutely does care for her she is starting to struggle with it.

I do want to be sure I’d manage. I do get quite unwell at times and ds does already require some extra care. But feel it would be a family for her and think this would be better for her.

Will start having her over to stay, it’s a good first step.

OP posts:
TizerorFizz · 04/12/2023 08:14

@BelindaOkra I guess SS have no foster carers. It’s shameful this 10 year old is having to live with a great aunt like this. I can see op is looking out for her family but the lack of care towards a 10 year old by her wider family is not acceptable.

BelindaOkra · 04/12/2023 08:22

It’s SS job though to not place her in an unsuitable environment. Some SW will dump kids with any family and run - have recently had to tell do someone to be really firm that no he could not take on his nieces and not even for a few days.

icepole - she would definitely be better with you - but you need to be sure your own children will be fine with it etc. I have recently taken someone in and it works really well, but could not have done it a few years ago as I was in a different house & my own kids would not have handled it.

TizerorFizz · 04/12/2023 08:47

@BelindaOkra Agree SS are not good enough. The only alternative will be care though.

determinedtomakethiswork · 04/12/2023 09:09

I think it's a good idea to have her over for the night or for the weekend, but I think you really need to be very very careful before you consider taking her in permanently. Obviously that would be ideal for her, but if you have a son who needs extra attention and you are not well yourself and you are short of space then you're not the ideal family for her.

I think you should be in touch with social services though, because it sounds as though she really is having a tough time.

Whataretheodds · 04/12/2023 09:25

Def worth speaking to her social worker - there will be sources of support for you as well as her that you can tap into.

You don't sound awful at all, you sound great trying to the right thing by this little girl who must feel scared and rejected.

PurpleBugz · 04/12/2023 10:28

I think having her at the weekends and some after school visits is a good idea.

You don't sound awful it sounds like an aweful situation xx