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AIBU?

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Original poster

9 y/o bedroom tidying, Dh threatens to black bag it

38 replies

Dairy1eaDunker · 03/12/2023 22:19

My 9 year old is messy little thing and I feel like I am constantly tidying her room. I work Hybrid and am home more so I generally feel a lot of the household chores beyond the regular stuff of washing and sorting clothes, cooking and doing dishes is falling to me. It doesn't help that my mental health is affected by mess, I'm not showhome tidy but can't let things build up and cant sit at home to work while there is mess in the rooms around me. My office is over an hour away and a lot of job is quiet concentration work so being home I'm theory is better.

I have spent hours over the last two weeks on two occasions tidying her room. She will tidy but doesn't quite get everything back in its right place and I often notice it late on an evening while she's at school.

Exasperated at yet again the bedroom looking chaotic just a few days after tidying, I asked DH if he would sort her room. The problem is he just walks in, tells her to do it and threatens to just bin it all.

I don't feel that is helpful and it means I'm then inclined to do it more than risk the upset of him threatening that or actually doing it, which I don't agree with or the chaos and upset that causes.

Any Division of Labour conversations are met with defence telling me he does lots for me and I don't feel heard so maybe you can help me find the right words?

OP posts:
LucyInTheParkWithDragons · 03/12/2023 22:22

I’m with him tbh. She should be tidying her own room!

If you want to perfect it later, fine. But if you’re spending hours a week doing it there’s something wrong.

Firstttimemama · 03/12/2023 22:22

I do feel a bit sorry for your daughter here. It’s her space and she should be allowed to have it as she likes providing the obvious dirty dishes, washing in hamper etc. why should she have everything in ‘the right place’ as per your views when it’s her room. Shes 9 and attempts to tidy herself. Just shut the door if it bothers you that much.

HavingToStartAgain · 03/12/2023 22:23

She will tidy but doesn't quite get everything back in its right place
But she tidies, so why go in and make it look like her efforts are in vain by redoing it? It’s no wonder she does bother to tidy much if it’s never good enough.
DH is out of order but that’s a whole other matter.

Karwomannghia · 03/12/2023 22:24

I would get off her back.

theduchessofspork · 03/12/2023 22:24

You have to let him do it his way.

You should both work on helping her find a system that works. She needs to build executive function. Also bribery is good

theduchessofspork · 03/12/2023 22:25

And lower you standards. She’s not you and it’s her room.

Owlsoutsidethewindow · 03/12/2023 22:25

She will tidy but doesn't quite get everything back in its right place and I often notice it late on an evening while she's at school.

It's her room. If it is tidy, and she knows where things are, it doesn't matter if they're where you would want them - it isn't your room.
I'd leave it. It sounds like she is trying.

Merryoldgoat · 03/12/2023 22:27

Why does her room have to be perfect?

All that matters surely is rubbish is binned and laundry is in the basket.

stayathomer · 03/12/2023 22:28

If you say she never quite gets it right, how can she win here? 9 is definitely an age where it’s great if she’s doing her bit but expecting her to be as capable as someone who’s learned how to tidy and clean over decades is a bit unfair. Tbh your dh’s approach will probably work better (but don’t let him follow through, my dh’s dad once chucked out a load of his stuff!)

curaçao · 03/12/2023 22:29

At 9 I think she should be tidying and cleaning her own room, putting washing in the basket and putting clean laundry away.

mynameiscalypso · 03/12/2023 22:30

I don't understand why you say she doesn't put things in the right place. It's her room isn't it? She can put things wherever she wants to!

savoycabbage · 03/12/2023 22:30

Has she got too much stuff? I can't imagine having to spend hours tidying a bedroom. Is there a place for everything to go?

When mine were that age they had a list on the inside door of their wardrobe of one place they had to tidy that day.

Monday bookshelf
Tuesday windowsill

and so on.

Elfontheshmelf · 03/12/2023 22:32

It sounds like a declutter might help, but ask her what she's happy to donate/get rid of rather than binning things in an angry way. Also implement some systems that make it easier for her to tidy- labelled storage boxes, drawers dedicated to art stuff etc..

Also saying "tidy your room" might be too vague. It's more helpful to give specific instructions eg: "can you put all the lego back in the lego box please"

IDontDrinkTea · 03/12/2023 22:32

Sorry OP, I think you need to leave her to it. As long as there isn’t dirty crockery / food waste, or laundry piling up, I don’t think it’s up to you to dictate the ‘correct place’ for her things any more

Paddleboarder · 03/12/2023 22:34

You should see my teenagers room! But for a 9 year old tidying is often a bit overwhelming when faced with it all at once. Just asking her to put away one or two things would be better. I know because I used to try and get my son to do it when younger, but the complete mess meant he didn't know how to go about it.

Autumnleaves89 · 03/12/2023 22:35

I am with him. She’s lazy and isn’t doing it because she knows you will do it for her (as would most kids her age! But you’re doing her no favours, OP). Learning to keep a place tidy is an important life skill. Back him up in this one. Time to toughen up.

BoohooWoohoo · 03/12/2023 22:35

Has your dd got too much stuff? Rotating toys or donating rather than binning might be a fair answer. The less stiff she has, the quicker it will be to tidy and easier to keep clean.

Autumnleaves89 · 03/12/2023 22:37

Teach her to tidy as she goes. Put things away after she’s used them. Then it won’t end up in such a state.

Lizzieregina · 03/12/2023 22:41

I’d spend a couple of hours with her to declutter and organize, then implement a 10 minute timer every day to keep it in order.

So in the 10 mins, she makes sure dirty clothes are in the hamper, any dirty dishes go to the kitchen, and she puts stuff away and tidies her bed.

It is her room so she should get to
decide (to a degree) what works for her.

Smartiepants79 · 03/12/2023 22:41

I’m with your DH.
she should be doing it.
I wouldn’t be throwing things out but I would be expecting her to make and effort - give her certain non-negotiable tasks, clothes away, rubbish in bin, plates and cups downstairs. No more than 1 activity left out on the floor.
I don’t believe that she should be allowed to keep it in any state she chooses but she should be able to put her own stuff where she wants.
If it’s still bothering you after that then it’s down to you I’m afraid.

Hohofortherobbers · 03/12/2023 22:43

She's only 9, if clean laundry is put away, rubbish is in the bin, dirty laundry is in the wash basket you're winning. Lower your standards.

Autumnleaves89 · 03/12/2023 22:45

Hohofortherobbers · 03/12/2023 22:43

She's only 9, if clean laundry is put away, rubbish is in the bin, dirty laundry is in the wash basket you're winning. Lower your standards.

Where does it say she does any of these things?

OkImListening · 03/12/2023 22:45

Smartiepants79 · 03/12/2023 22:41

I’m with your DH.
she should be doing it.
I wouldn’t be throwing things out but I would be expecting her to make and effort - give her certain non-negotiable tasks, clothes away, rubbish in bin, plates and cups downstairs. No more than 1 activity left out on the floor.
I don’t believe that she should be allowed to keep it in any state she chooses but she should be able to put her own stuff where she wants.
If it’s still bothering you after that then it’s down to you I’m afraid.

You sound like my sister.

Bouncyball23 · 03/12/2023 22:46

Aslong as its tidy who cares if something is in the wrong place (it's not a show home) it's her room and at 9 she should beable to do a reasonable job of it which sounds like she does so leave it!!

2jacqi · 03/12/2023 22:47

@Dairy1eaDunker for goodness sake!!! she is only 9!!!

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