9 y/o bedroom tidying, Dh threatens to black bag it

[Dairy1eaDunker]

My 9 year old is messy little thing and I feel like I am constantly tidying her room. I work Hybrid and am home more so I generally feel a lot of the household chores beyond the regular stuff of washing and sorting clothes, cooking and doing dishes is falling to me. It doesn't help that my mental health is affected by mess, I'm not showhome tidy but can't let things build up and cant sit at home to work while there is mess in the rooms around me. My office is over an hour away and a lot of job is quiet concentration work so being home I'm theory is better.

I have spent hours over the last two weeks on two occasions tidying her room. She will tidy but doesn't quite get everything back in its right place and I often notice it late on an evening while she's at school.

Exasperated at yet again the bedroom looking chaotic just a few days after tidying, I asked DH if he would sort her room. The problem is he just walks in, tells her to do it and threatens to just bin it all.

I don't feel that is helpful and it means I'm then inclined to do it more than risk the upset of him threatening that or actually doing it, which I don't agree with or the chaos and upset that causes.

Any Division of Labour conversations are met with defence telling me he does lots for me and I don't feel heard so maybe you can help me find the right words?

She does do it tho but apparently puts things in places op doesn't like!!

Your DD's possessions are hers - he has no right to bin them, and is being an arsehole to threaten it. He needs to find a better way to get her to tidy up ..."WHEN you've put your toys away and the floor and bed are clear THEN we can watch a DVD/play Monopoly" for example. Or "lets see how tidy you can get things in 30 minutes" (take a photo before and after).
My dad used to chuck our things away if we left them out and I hated him doing it! It was our home too, and he would've gone berserk if we'd thrown out his fishing gear which was always left in the conservatory.

This is a fab tip - i will try to
imple with my son.

He has autism and struggles with getting started.

It sounds like you maybe have control and perfection issues. She’s tidying it! Poor kid, the constant telling her her work is not to your standards can’t be easy on her

Ask him what it is that he thinks he does FOR YOU. If he says cooking, cleaning, childcare etc, (which I suspect might be his answer) say how is that for me? Don’t you also eat? Don’t you also live in this house? Didn’t you also choose to become a parent? You can then point out that what he is basically saying is that all the above is women’s work and he’s doing you a favour doing any of it. Tell him that’s very telling of his attitude towards women.

She s nine
You /your dh need to show and help her , tidy with her
Maybe dh can do weeekend with her , clear out repaint and move stuff back in

So yeh the bag it up but with view to start afresh and learn

My parents black binned my things when I was young - it has had hideous long term impacts - I still struggle to part with things. They used to come in and tell me to tidy - but never 'show me how'. I had too many things and no method of organising any of it.

If you want your child to be tidy - minimise their things - and make it organised so it is easy for them to manage it. Show them 'how' and then support them - by giving them side by side time to do it.

Yabu she's 9. She doesn't need every item she owns to be in your idea of the right place.

She needs to be TAUGHT HOW to do it and COACHED with gentle friendly reminders through the first few months/years of doing it. You asked your DH to parent her and instead he’s gone in with threats. That is lazy parenting.

She’s NINE of course the room is a mess. You can and should ask her to tidy it but you shouldn’t be threatening her when she fails. Kids fail at stuff.

I know many nine year olds and none of them have a tidy bedroom. My mum used to say it was up to me what my room was like. If it bothers you maybe just don’t go in there.

My dds are 14 and 11. They are pretty good with their rooms but I will still take the weight off them every few weeks. I can tell when it's getting overwhelming.

At 9 I expected them to show they could make an effort to tidy/help but not be wholly responsible for everything. That's really harsh.

As many others have said you need to model and support not go in with a sledgehammer either of you.

Just have these rules -
No food/drink in the room
Clothes that need to be washed go in the wash basket.
That's it. Leave her be. It's her room.

I mean I threaten this but only when every toy is out, it's down the hallway and they have abandoned it to watch telly!

How bad is it? Not being put away exactly as you like it requires a different response to I can't find a way across your floor.

If she's made some effort it's over the top but but more context required.

Poor kid. She tidies but “doesn’t always put everything back in the right place” and that’s not good enough for you? And then her dad goes barging in threatening to throw her things away? You’d all be happier if you relaxed a bit and stopped being hung up on everything being put away in the right place, or what you think is the right place and she maybe doesn’t.