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AIBU?

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Original poster

How to fit in at very posh and boozy party

46 replies

UncleBunclesHouse · 03/12/2023 19:26

I am not posh, I don’t drink and I don’t know anyone there. DH will but I don’t want to cling to him all night. I’m getting very anxious about it and starting to talk myself out of it.

It is at the hosts house (stately home) and everyone knows each other and is super confident and blasé about everything, I think I won’t know what to do with myself. Don’t even get me into what to wear!

Any tips very appreciated!!

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 03/12/2023 19:43

Under the circumstances, I think it would be completely acceptable to spend the entire event with your husband apart from the occasional loo break.

I can’t be doing with all the usual advice about asking people about themselves etc. If they’re nice people, they’ll include you; if they’re mean, you’re not losing anything by not having conversations with them.

No simpering, no telling anyone you’re feeling out of your depth. Think of it as an interesting cultural experience which you may choose to repeat in future, or may not, depending on whether you enjoy it or not.

Torganer · 03/12/2023 19:46

Your husband will introduce to the people he knows. Most people are very polite at parties and will chat. If you get bored with a certain person, just excuse yourself to get a drink, go to the toilet etc.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 03/12/2023 19:53

Practice your small talk and when you’re there just strike up random conversations, a warm smile breaks a lot of ice…comments to start with;
-Can I ask where you found that insert food item here it looks really tasty
-Have you come to one of these before?
-Do you work for X or are you here with someone
-I’m always afraid these things are going to be awkward with not knowing anyone I’m pleasantly surprised how friendly everyone is
-Did you see the tree in the other room…it’s gorgeous

Own your awkward…
-Nothing like being the new guy at one of these gatherings…any advice?
-There isn’t hazing for first timers at these gatherings? Nothing I should be on the lookout for?
Find a small group chatting -Mind if I join I seem to have lost my husband
Find the other out of place person (I promise there will be at least one) -Oof…at least I was right when I thought this would be a tough crowd

Just as important are the exit lines:
-Oh will you excuse me I see someone over there I’ve been trying to catch all night
-Excuse me I need to text the babysitter real quick. I forgot to tell them something -Have you Kent and Janice yet, let me introduce you (then wander off)
-Oh boy I guess I should go mingle and meet more people… wish me luck

If you’re at a sit down dinner, find the other person who looks bored or out of place sitting near you and talk to them. Ask questions… kids, job, pets, Xmas plans, etc.

On the drinking thing… don’t worry about it order or ask for your preferred NA drink and don’t give it another thought. You’re a grownup and not at a teen party

You’ll be fine. At worst it’s a couple of boring hours out of your life. At best you might have some fun and good food!

EdithWeston · 03/12/2023 19:53

Think of it as an interesting cultural experience which you may choose to repeat in future, or may not, depending on whether you enjoy it or not

I think this is good advice - think of yourself as an anthropologist, observing the habits of this social group you are visiting.

Other advice I have is to be yourself - don't try to be different to fit in. There will be groups who all know each other, but I bet there will be plenty like you, the plus one of those who know some of the group. The people your DH knows are likely to be friendly - people go to parties to enjoy themselves - so start with them.

wutheringkites · 03/12/2023 19:54

HeddaGarbled · 03/12/2023 19:43

Under the circumstances, I think it would be completely acceptable to spend the entire event with your husband apart from the occasional loo break.

I can’t be doing with all the usual advice about asking people about themselves etc. If they’re nice people, they’ll include you; if they’re mean, you’re not losing anything by not having conversations with them.

No simpering, no telling anyone you’re feeling out of your depth. Think of it as an interesting cultural experience which you may choose to repeat in future, or may not, depending on whether you enjoy it or not.

This is good advice.

Neveraga1n · 03/12/2023 19:54

I went to a similar event and ended up talking to the hosts wife, who was very polite and lovely but also disliked social events (but puts up with them) she loved her racing greyhounds and we went off to see them in the kennels. As people have said most will be very polite and chat, a few will be bitchy and cliquey.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 03/12/2023 19:55

Ask them about themselves/news events/local goings on. The more people talk about themselves, the less you have to do.

Hastheslotharrivedyet · 03/12/2023 19:57

Go off on your own and have a nose round the place

Rafting2022 · 03/12/2023 19:57

Can you really not just get out of it?

Gnomegnomegnome · 03/12/2023 19:58

Forget posh, Are they nice people?

If so good hosts (and a good husband) will make sure that you are made to feel included and comfortable.

lljkk · 03/12/2023 19:59

I want to go. I love people watching. The bigger their personalities the dafter they will be. Give us updates on what they were like !

Holly60 · 03/12/2023 19:59

I would pretend to be drinking. Accept a glass of champagne and just nurse it all evening.

Right or wrong you will fit in a bit better if you pretend you are partaking of the hospitality.

Smile, stand up straight, ask lots of questions and act like you are interested.

barbarahunter · 03/12/2023 20:00

I've had to do some of these over the years, and the only advice I have is

  • ideally, don't go
  • go, but don't expect to enjoy yourself, at least this way it might be a bit better than you were fearing
theduchessofspork · 03/12/2023 20:04

HeddaGarbled · 03/12/2023 19:43

Under the circumstances, I think it would be completely acceptable to spend the entire event with your husband apart from the occasional loo break.

I can’t be doing with all the usual advice about asking people about themselves etc. If they’re nice people, they’ll include you; if they’re mean, you’re not losing anything by not having conversations with them.

No simpering, no telling anyone you’re feeling out of your depth. Think of it as an interesting cultural experience which you may choose to repeat in future, or may not, depending on whether you enjoy it or not.

I think this is all sensible advice

Droppit · 03/12/2023 20:04

Use it as a means to work on social skills. It's an opportunity to put your small talk to the test and put on a persona for the night.

Villalobos · 03/12/2023 20:06

Very few people are really as confident as they appear to others, so too you will not appear as lacking in confidence as you fear. Wear something with a track record of making you feel good, and unless there's a specific dress-code probably better to pitch at under- rather than over-dressed. There's nothing wrong with starting off the evening with your DH, and brief him in advance that he needs to introduce you to as many people as possible by name so you can initiate conversations yourself once things warm up a bit. And if it's a bit stiff this time, just remember that next time you'll be one of the people who knows everyone. Just smile and people will warm to you. And remember you definitely won't be the only one there who doesn't feel confident. Good luck!

DelurkingAJ · 03/12/2023 20:10

People are people. It’ll be no worse than any other gathering where you don’t know people. The other people there should have manners and make sure you’re included.

appalledandtired · 03/12/2023 20:11

God don't go, that sounds extremely boring.

appalledandtired · 03/12/2023 20:12

Just get yourself a headache and stay in with a good book

HollowEgg · 03/12/2023 20:13

Just talk about dogs and horses and you’ll be fine.

CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 03/12/2023 20:16

It’s OK to accompany your husband quietly if that will make you comfier. Otherwise if you wear something that is in the right ballpark and are just generally polite and friendly I promise you the only people who will judge you are those whose judgment is not worth caring about. It’s a cliche, but it’s true. Also, nobody has ever been rude or nasty in response to a question about etiquette or manners from me.

nokidshere · 03/12/2023 20:16

Why are you the only person who doesn't know anyone? Are you sure that's the case?

Just be yourself. A stately home is just bigger than yours that's all. Doesn't mean the people in it are any less likeable than you are. And drink whatever you like, no one has to drink alcohol they don't want.

Chickychoccyegg · 03/12/2023 20:19

I'd get myself a dress that I feel fabulous in, and book in to get my hair done (up do/waves/blow dry, whatever you prefer), go along and join in, I'm sure you're husband will Introduce you to lots of people, could be fun? Or at least a new experience?

Jellycats4life · 03/12/2023 20:21

Just be unapologetically yourself. Don’t feel like you have to present a fake-posh version of yourself just to fit in.

jennylamb1 · 03/12/2023 20:22

Went to a do at a crown court judge's house once in Chiswich and was similarly apprehensive, however posh people also have very good manners and were at pains to make everyone feel at ease, consequently it was fine. Not sure if it was because he was a recently retired judge but many people there seemed to have a vested interest in forming connections and networking, so it will probably be the same at your do and people will be being extra friendly.