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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a nagging and horrible Mum?

35 replies

LanaL · 03/12/2023 12:12

Not a major thing and I’m pretty sure I’m not being unreasonable but having mum guilt!

DS is 9. Myself and his father are separated , he lives with me primarily but spends 3 nights per week with his Dad. This isn’t a custody arrangement , it’s just what was decided between us, I don’t have the best relationship with his Dad but he loves our DS and is a good father . The only issue I do have is that when DS is at his dads he is spoilt rotten by him and his partner ( now , I’m sure your first thought will be that it’s jealousy … a small part , maybe. I have other children , I’m by no means poor and DS doesn’t want for anything but I work full time in quite an intense job -
meaning I have less time to things with him than his Dad , partner and Dads family do when he’s there . I also do have some financial issues , we’re getting out of them now but it’s been a tough year so I have t been able to give as much financially as Dad can) I’m also different - I have rules , I will treat my children but I won’t just buy them whatever they want just because they want it etc. Its the total opposite at his Dads - he has a bedtime but if he wants to stay up later he can, he has every console , every toy he wants , if he wants something he gets it. If I say no to something , Dad says yes and gets it. I have told Dad about DS having a screaming tantrum over wanting something when he was younger, I would never give in to a tantrum . Dad went straight out and bought the toy that was a result of the tantrum. This has happened more than once.

Thats a very long story I realise - but, it’s relevant as I feel as though my DS prefers being with his Dad due to all this and I now feel guilt about parenting him as I feel like the nagging mom , but I also know I can’t give in and spoil him like his dad . He’s not a “spoiled” child in terms of his personality . He is the most sweet, kind, loving boy. He doesn’t brag about what he has at Dads, he’s so grateful for everything and I take credit for that because I feel like I have kept him grounded. But, sometimes I see tiny flickers of things .. he’s began to cry to try and get his own way, and he’s became slightly argumentative.. this isn’t really in a disrespectful way but in a way that shows he has argued like that and got his own way before …. it’s very similar to his dad - his dad was spoiled by his mom and dad , and he still is like this in adulthood and I have witnessed his dad cry and argue like this , but to a bigger extent , for eg when we split as he didn’t want the split.

So - this may seem minor - but DS has an obsession with collecting inanimate objects ( sticks , leaves , balloons , stones ) he wants to keep them all. I don’t allow it. It’s messy - he has a small bedroom and I don’t want it filled with these things . Certain things I’ll allow but not abything that is “ rubbish” and should be in the bin or outside . I don’t think that’s unreasonable but at Dads he can do this . He will regulary say “ but dad lets me …” . I planned a nice festive day today ( putting the decorations up , watching Xmas movies with hot chocolate ) . DS is now in his bedroom in a grump , crying his eyes out because he found a tiny , deflated balloon behind the sofa and I said it had to go in the bin . He said it’s only tiny, why does it matter if he keeps it, dad would let him , I’m mean as I know how much he loves this balloon ( that was from a Halloween party a month ago and has clearly been behind the sofa ever since ) , I never let him do anything fun etc. Now I’m sat here feeling like I’m making this house a house he doesn’t want to be at because of my rules . I know it’s silly but I have the rule - we don’t keep rubbish in the house and like I say I am strict with my rules but I don’t think they’re unfair and I don’t want to give in to things to compete with Dad and if I allow him to just do whatever he wants then he will just become spoiled ? Dad will never set boundaries or rules so it’s all on me to do it , to help my DS to be respectful, but then it leaves me as the strict , boring mom!

AIBU ?

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 03/12/2023 12:17

Sometimes you need to pick your battles.

For.some reason he wants these things. Why can't he have a small basket in his room which he can fill with crap? It's his room.

If he's crying, he's upset.

Go and apologise.

Poor kid must be so confused living a split life anyway, and then to have completely different rules makes it even more confusing.

Going forward see if you can agree basic rules like bedtime with your ex.

It's not fair on him to have to continually adjust to different expectations, it must be exhausting for him. He's only nine.

myphoneisbroken · 03/12/2023 12:18

If these objects mean so much to your DS, why not let him have them in his room? So long as they are not rotting or smelly, what does it matter? I think especially as children get older you have to be a bit more flexible and let them have their quirks.

Original poster
LanaL · 03/12/2023 12:21

Just to add - as it may be suggested

  • there are 100% no additional needs .
  • there is no jealousy about what Dad can do - aside from maybe me having a bit of jealousy about having to be the one to be strict . Financially, even if I did have the money like Dad does to buy DS everything he wanted , I wouldn’t.
  • No jealousy over his dad and his partner - I am very happily married , I ended the relationship, I have never been in love with him, the relationship was very short and we split when DS was a few months old so it’s been a very long time.
  • I have no negativity towards his dads partner or parents . I have always got on well with both his mom and dad and they adore my DS. His dads partner has never treated my son with anything other than love and care , it’s not her who spoils him and I certainly don’t think she’s competitive and trying to outdo me etc , she’s very sweet.
OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 03/12/2023 12:23

I wouldn’t die on the hill of a tiny scratty old balloon he wants to keep for a bit. Make both of your lives easier and choose different battles.

I know it’s your rule but why do you have it and when you’re 80 will you be pleased you stuck to it and showed you wouldn’t be messed around, or will you look back fondly on his habit of collecting stuff and wish you’d chilled out?

isthewashingdryyet · 03/12/2023 12:23

So, his dad is setting him up to be a hoarder and a man who tantrums when he can’t get his own way ?

I like your logic better, rubbish and nature belong outside

MolkosTeenageAngst · 03/12/2023 12:27

Sorry but I think you do seem mean making him put the balloon in the bin, what harm would it do to let him keep it? If you don’t want him to have too much stuff then it’s reasonable to set a limit like only a having 20 pieces in his collection so that once it’s full he has to choose one to discard for every new thing he wants to keep, but to have a blanket rule that he can’t collect the things he’s interested in seems unnecessarily controlling and mean considering it’s a harmless hobby. Just because something seems like rubbish to you doesn’t mean it can’t be meaningful to him, one man’s trash is another man’s treasure and all that. Pick your battles and stop being mean and controlling over minor unimportant stuff or don’t be surprised when he goes to move in with his dad in a few years.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/12/2023 12:27

Or his dad realises he’s 9 and he’s a lovely sweet boy as OP says, and enjoys buying gifts and is less strict about bedtimes. He has nearly 50/50 care, he’s not a Disney dad swooping in EOW to intentionally make OP’s life harder.

Original poster
LanaL · 03/12/2023 12:29

Dishwashersaurous · 03/12/2023 12:17

Sometimes you need to pick your battles.

For.some reason he wants these things. Why can't he have a small basket in his room which he can fill with crap? It's his room.

If he's crying, he's upset.

Go and apologise.

Poor kid must be so confused living a split life anyway, and then to have completely different rules makes it even more confusing.

Going forward see if you can agree basic rules like bedtime with your ex.

It's not fair on him to have to continually adjust to different expectations, it must be exhausting for him. He's only nine.

Maybe I should have added this , he does have some . I don’t say no to everything . He actually has about 8 balloons in his bedroom right now and was told that was enough. He has a few stones and sticks in a little pot. So it’s not like I just say no completely . As a rule I don’t like it but I don’t see the need to keep tiny deflated balloons … we had an issue recently because a balloon burst and I wouldn’t let him keep the little bits .

I always apologise to my children if I have upset them , I believe strongly in that. I gave him a cuddle and explained why he could t keep it , I told him I loved him etc . He is crying because I won’t give in and let him keep it , right now that’s the only thing that will stop him crying - going back on my word and letting him keep it and I know if I do then he will in future , cry like this to get me to change my mind over things .

Hes lived this ‘split’ life since he was very young , it’s all he knows and he’s a very well adjusted child . He does not know of any issues between me and dad as we have never let him know , we do things together etc x

OP posts:
Original poster
LanaL · 03/12/2023 12:30

I do , he does have some in his room , but I have to have a limit otherwise he would fill his room with it all x

OP posts:
LadyGwendoline · 03/12/2023 12:33

My son had a “stick box”, a cardboard box full of sticks collected on walks and the occasional elastic band he’d found from the postman dropping them, he definitely understood we kept only what fit in that box. His father allows everything and anything, his place is a tip and the food eaten there is junk food…my children are now adults and have good relationships with me, close, but not with their father.

I suggest you consider if any of your rules are strict for strict’s sake, and try not to worry too much about the difference in household life. Your son loves you. Go and have a big hug and enjoy the rest of the day together.

Original poster
LanaL · 03/12/2023 12:37

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/12/2023 12:27

Or his dad realises he’s 9 and he’s a lovely sweet boy as OP says, and enjoys buying gifts and is less strict about bedtimes. He has nearly 50/50 care, he’s not a Disney dad swooping in EOW to intentionally make OP’s life harder.

If I went into more detail on this I think you would change your view . No there is nothing wrong with him buying gifts , personally I think children shouldn’t get everything they want , when they want it ( I mean how do you make a magical Christmas morning when your child has everything ?’! ) but I’m aware just because I don’t agree it doesn’t mean dads wrong . But he never says no , he will stay up until way past midnight on a school night and be exhausted the next day . He has way more toys etc than his dads other child so I don’t think his partner is much different to me in that respect .

OP posts:
Paddleboarder · 03/12/2023 12:38

If he has a bin full of these things in his room and it gets full it's fair enough to make him keep the rest outside, or maybe in the shed or whatever. Maybe you can help him choose his favourites? I was pretty lenient with bedtimes at the weekend/school hols but only if they were being quiet when it was late (reading or drawing or whatever). It's nice to show some compromise.

Regarding the tantrums over not being allowed to have every toy/console he wants - I don't think it's ideal that your ex has no restraints on that but it's his choice. But it's nice that he buys him things. Before long he won't want toys and will want lots of expensive clothes and shoes so at least you have someone else to buy them!

Octavia64 · 03/12/2023 12:39

Lots of kids like to collect inanimate objects.

I collected shells from my beach holidays in wales. They definitely smelled.

My ExH went on a holiday as a kid where him and his siblings collected random crap from around the place they were staying and made a museum complete with labels.

It is fairly normal.
You've said that he has some stuff in his bedroom in a pot - one way forward could be to say that he can have what he wants in the pot but when it's full if he wants something else in he needs to get rid of something.

Incidentally, part of ExH's museum was the decomposing head of a sheep.

I think you're getting off pretty lightly!

Original poster
LanaL · 03/12/2023 12:39

LadyGwendoline · 03/12/2023 12:33

My son had a “stick box”, a cardboard box full of sticks collected on walks and the occasional elastic band he’d found from the postman dropping them, he definitely understood we kept only what fit in that box. His father allows everything and anything, his place is a tip and the food eaten there is junk food…my children are now adults and have good relationships with me, close, but not with their father.

I suggest you consider if any of your rules are strict for strict’s sake, and try not to worry too much about the difference in household life. Your son loves you. Go and have a big hug and enjoy the rest of the day together.

I think my post was a little confusing . I say I don’t allow it but he does have some of these things - I don’t just say no , never that’s it . But there is a limit. He has a big bunch of balloons in his bedroom right now and he just wanted that extra , deflated balloon but I have to have a limit x

OP posts:
Santaiswashinghissleigh · 03/12/2023 12:41

Exh showered ds's with tech. In time they went nc. They needed a parent they told me. Collecting things was ds's first sign of asd...

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/12/2023 12:45

I’m not criticising you and I’m in your camp on buying random shit they like but will go off in a second, not your ex’s. I’m saying if you’re worried about seeming mean and inflexible - which you asked - then review whether your rules are helpful and worth it. If you’re sure they are then you don’t need other people’s views. If you’re not then you can take on board different perspectives, or not. You said you don’t let him collect stuff and then clarified that you actually do.

You won’t change how your ex parents. Midnight for a 9 year old is neglectful, I wouldn’t be happy about that at all. But you each get to parent as you see fit. Your way is just that. Despite your criticisms of your ex’s approach you say DS is generally a lovely well adjusted child, that’s all that matters.

LickleLamb · 03/12/2023 12:45

I wouldn’t have worried about bits of wood or balloon -I would have refused if he was crying for the next computer game or more trainers.
Maybe he’s going to be a biologist or a physicist?

Original poster
LanaL · 03/12/2023 12:53

Paddleboarder · 03/12/2023 12:38

If he has a bin full of these things in his room and it gets full it's fair enough to make him keep the rest outside, or maybe in the shed or whatever. Maybe you can help him choose his favourites? I was pretty lenient with bedtimes at the weekend/school hols but only if they were being quiet when it was late (reading or drawing or whatever). It's nice to show some compromise.

Regarding the tantrums over not being allowed to have every toy/console he wants - I don't think it's ideal that your ex has no restraints on that but it's his choice. But it's nice that he buys him things. Before long he won't want toys and will want lots of expensive clothes and shoes so at least you have someone else to buy them!

I have no bedtime rules really on weekends and school holidays . I do on school nights though and I don’t think it’s unreasonable - he gets into bed at 8 and has half hour to read etc in bed then it’s sleep . We’re up at 7 and he’s always tired still . He did have an earlier bedtime of 730 but he was upset that Dad let him stay up later , so I did give in there .

He doesn’t have tantrums over consoles etc - everything I get him he is grateful for and he does have consoles etc here . It’s not that he will scream at Dad for things , he just asks and gets with no question. But sometimes I think he’s just used to having things and needs to realise how expensive things are and look after them etc . I got him an expensive phone for Christmas last year , so did dad . He has broken both of them because he just leaves them anywhere ( in the garden , on the stairs , in the bathroom ) . I won’t replace it , I gave him my old phone when I had a new contract but I have told him repeatedly about looking after things and he didn’t . Same with his phone from Dads but Dad didn’t say anything to him about breaking the phone he just replaced it. He had air pods that I got him , he kept taking them out without the case , leaving one in one place and one in another - I told him repeatedly that they were expensive and I would not replace them he had to take care of them . He lost one of them somewhere. I then found the one he lost in his bedroom and at this point he told me he had threw the other one away because he didn’t see the point in keeping it as he couldn’t find the other. I said that I would not buy him a new pair and he said it’s ok I’ll ask Dad. The following week he came back with a brand new pair from Dad.

Yes I agree with the last thing you said, if I ever were to ask Dad for anything that he needs he would get it without hesitation.

OP posts:
Original poster
LanaL · 03/12/2023 12:55

Just to add - DS is fine now . In fact he had came down chatting happily before I had even finished this post. I just have a lot of mom guilt and I think it’s hard being the parent that has to actually parent x

OP posts:
Original poster
LanaL · 03/12/2023 13:10

This is what his dad is like. I have witnessed him have full blown adult tantrums , or crying to get his own way - not listening to other views just a lot of “ but please …. “ “ but why…..” it’s only very mild , just flickers … but I am beginning to see this in DS and I don’t want him to be like his Dad. When I first broke up with his Dad I remember him laying on the floor , crying and begging me to change my mind “ but please just think of the baby ..” “ but please just carry on you will start to be happy …” after I had explained that I didn’t love him and didn’t want to be in a relationship. I told him I would never stop him seeing his child and we would be friends but I couldn’t help my feelings …. He just kept crying and saying “ but please , please “ like a child does when they want something . When I didn’t give in , he kicked me out of his home with our son ( he had his own house and I lived with him ) , wouldn’t give me time to find somewhere just said to go and if I didn’t want to be with him then he wouldn’t help me , he hacked into my fb and deleted every male , when I moved into a new place he sat outside every night , followed me and came into a restaurant I worked at on every shift and just sat there ( our son was with my sister as he refused to watch him when I worked as “ why should I help you to earn money so that you don’t need me “ until I had to get a restraining order . So he’s not perfect and I do not want my son being like that , that was all effectively a tantrum because he wanted me and wasn’t used to not getting what he wants

OP posts:
babytum · 03/12/2023 13:14

I think you sound like a very grounded and loving parent. Boundaries that are put in place make children feel safe. Lack of boundaries cause confusion and chaos in little brains.
You are his grounding force and safe place, he knows where he stands with you. There will be times where he’ll most likely say to
you dads house is better, who wouldn’t if it’s Christmas everyday but you’ll still be the safety net.
Consistency is key when rearing children. There’s nothing wrong with rules and there’s nothing wrong with enforcing them. It’s how they learn and recognise what’s normal. The balloon thing is a tiny example of a huge picture and is making you question yourself. He’ll get over it, it’s as you said he didn’t get his own way, that’s why he’s had a whinge.
That’s pretty normal. Whinging, crying, sulking, they’re all ways children express unhappiness. They learn that these aren’t appropriate behaviours if the parent doesn’t give in to them. Then they learn that communication, compromise etc works much better.
You’re doing a great job and considering how lax his dad is he really does need someone with a back bone to teach him how to navigate his feelings and learn that no actually does mean no and the world doesn’t stop.

Dishwashersaurous · 03/12/2023 13:16

OK this isn't about the balloons.

You had to get a restraining order on his father.

The arrangement you've had to date may have worked, but may now not be working.

If he spends half the week with his father, and has half his genetic make up, then highly likely that he will turn out like his dad.

If you don't want that to happen then something drastic needs to change

Original poster
LanaL · 03/12/2023 13:19

I’m sure after that last post there will ge comment about why I let him have almost 50% care but he never put his child at risk , he adores him and I think a big part of it was because he didn’t want to not live with his son . After the restraining order he would have our son 2 nights per week , I would handover with his mom and dad , he moved back in with them and rented his house out . Within a year he moved back and then when he began nursery / school he asked for 3 nights to which I agreed because my son loved his time with him and I don’t think I get to say no when it benefits my child and he is much a parent as I am , he’s not just my child . I wanted my son to have a mom and dad equally involved and he’s a very well adjusted and happy child because of it. But I’m sure you can see why I believe our son needs to be told no sometimes and have rules and boundaries because his dads actions are a result of never being told no

OP posts:
Original poster
LanaL · 03/12/2023 13:20

babytum · 03/12/2023 13:14

I think you sound like a very grounded and loving parent. Boundaries that are put in place make children feel safe. Lack of boundaries cause confusion and chaos in little brains.
You are his grounding force and safe place, he knows where he stands with you. There will be times where he’ll most likely say to
you dads house is better, who wouldn’t if it’s Christmas everyday but you’ll still be the safety net.
Consistency is key when rearing children. There’s nothing wrong with rules and there’s nothing wrong with enforcing them. It’s how they learn and recognise what’s normal. The balloon thing is a tiny example of a huge picture and is making you question yourself. He’ll get over it, it’s as you said he didn’t get his own way, that’s why he’s had a whinge.
That’s pretty normal. Whinging, crying, sulking, they’re all ways children express unhappiness. They learn that these aren’t appropriate behaviours if the parent doesn’t give in to them. Then they learn that communication, compromise etc works much better.
You’re doing a great job and considering how lax his dad is he really does need someone with a back bone to teach him how to navigate his feelings and learn that no actually does mean no and the world doesn’t stop.

Thank you that means a lot xx

OP posts:
MrsWhites · 03/12/2023 13:25

I get what you mean about dad buying everything he wants, that’s not healthy and I wouldn’t like that either but the balloons etc I wouldn’t have a problem with. I mean this kindly but I think you are overthinking and possibly being too strict/picky because you are so worried about your son turning out like his dad.

Letting him keep silly things like deflated balloons isn’t what led to your ex being a brat.