Am I a nagging and horrible Mum?

[LanaL]

Not a major thing and I’m pretty sure I’m not being unreasonable but having mum guilt!

DS is 9. Myself and his father are separated , he lives with me primarily but spends 3 nights per week with his Dad. This isn’t a custody arrangement , it’s just what was decided between us, I don’t have the best relationship with his Dad but he loves our DS and is a good father . The only issue I do have is that when DS is at his dads he is spoilt rotten by him and his partner ( now , I’m sure your first thought will be that it’s jealousy … a small part , maybe. I have other children , I’m by no means poor and DS doesn’t want for anything but I work full time in quite an intense job -
meaning I have less time to things with him than his Dad , partner and Dads family do when he’s there . I also do have some financial issues , we’re getting out of them now but it’s been a tough year so I have t been able to give as much financially as Dad can) I’m also different - I have rules , I will treat my children but I won’t just buy them whatever they want just because they want it etc. Its the total opposite at his Dads - he has a bedtime but if he wants to stay up later he can, he has every console , every toy he wants , if he wants something he gets it. If I say no to something , Dad says yes and gets it. I have told Dad about DS having a screaming tantrum over wanting something when he was younger, I would never give in to a tantrum . Dad went straight out and bought the toy that was a result of the tantrum. This has happened more than once.

Thats a very long story I realise - but, it’s relevant as I feel as though my DS prefers being with his Dad due to all this and I now feel guilt about parenting him as I feel like the nagging mom , but I also know I can’t give in and spoil him like his dad . He’s not a “spoiled” child in terms of his personality . He is the most sweet, kind, loving boy. He doesn’t brag about what he has at Dads, he’s so grateful for everything and I take credit for that because I feel like I have kept him grounded. But, sometimes I see tiny flickers of things .. he’s began to cry to try and get his own way, and he’s became slightly argumentative.. this isn’t really in a disrespectful way but in a way that shows he has argued like that and got his own way before …. it’s very similar to his dad - his dad was spoiled by his mom and dad , and he still is like this in adulthood and I have witnessed his dad cry and argue like this , but to a bigger extent , for eg when we split as he didn’t want the split.

So - this may seem minor - but DS has an obsession with collecting inanimate objects ( sticks , leaves , balloons , stones ) he wants to keep them all. I don’t allow it. It’s messy - he has a small bedroom and I don’t want it filled with these things . Certain things I’ll allow but not abything that is “ rubbish” and should be in the bin or outside . I don’t think that’s unreasonable but at Dads he can do this . He will regulary say “ but dad lets me …” . I planned a nice festive day today ( putting the decorations up , watching Xmas movies with hot chocolate ) . DS is now in his bedroom in a grump , crying his eyes out because he found a tiny , deflated balloon behind the sofa and I said it had to go in the bin . He said it’s only tiny, why does it matter if he keeps it, dad would let him , I’m mean as I know how much he loves this balloon ( that was from a Halloween party a month ago and has clearly been behind the sofa ever since ) , I never let him do anything fun etc. Now I’m sat here feeling like I’m making this house a house he doesn’t want to be at because of my rules . I know it’s silly but I have the rule - we don’t keep rubbish in the house and like I say I am strict with my rules but I don’t think they’re unfair and I don’t want to give in to things to compete with Dad and if I allow him to just do whatever he wants then he will just become spoiled ? Dad will never set boundaries or rules so it’s all on me to do it , to help my DS to be respectful, but then it leaves me as the strict , boring mom!

AIBU ?

I wouldnt pick a battle over a small balloon

Stop buying him balloons.

Let what goes at dad's at dad's it's shit you aren't on the same page parenting wise but nothing you can do about it

I have a storage box full of one dc beloved (crap) objects. So we have the rule when box is full could we recycled something or use it for garden etc. (Yes it's a pita)

Your latest update obviously paints a very different picture of who his father is. I can’t see why you do things together at all. Your son doesn’t need that, he’s never known you together, you’re both with other people and have other children. You don’t ever need to be friends with your ex who now sounds highly unstable.

I think getting all the toys he wants etc at his dads is a shame. But as long as he’s appreciative polite and grateful I don’t think it’s too bad!
Crying and whinging when he doesn’t get what he wants IS annoying and I think you need to do what we all do in those circumstances.. ignore/distract/explain why it’s not acceptable..and he’ll outgrow it eventually.
However I don’t agree with you not letting him collect his sticks/old balloons/rocks etc. I think it’s lovely that he derives pleasure from basic little “treasures” and I’d let him keep them in a big box in his room. My dc love a rock/stick/weird piece of plastic and I allow it as it’s better than an obsession with iPads/phones and better than always wanting a new thing.

I am going to approach this from a different angle, as I was the child of split parents. Different in that I didn't see Dad as often, but still...
Mum was very strict, stricter than you sound, TBH. Going to Dad's was fun and relaxed. He didn't buy us everything we asked for, but he definitely used money to compensate for his absence. But he also made promises he didn't keep and occasionally lied about making the promise in the first place.
We didn't play up too much with Mum when we got home because she never gave in and we knew it. We accepted Dad's was different and we enjoyed it in the moment. Again, harder for you because your custody arrangement is on a weekly basis, but standing firm will help your son see that it's two different environments.
Will you be seen as the nagging, boring one? I hate to say it, but probably yes, in the short term if you are the primary carer and don't get the time to do the fun bits like Dad.
'Dad let's me...' needs to be met with 'I am not Dad and this is not his house'. If he spends 3 days a week with his Dad then you are hardly depriving him, since he can collect stuff, go to bed late or whatever at his Dad's house.
Remember, he might be only 9, but that's still old enough to figure out how to play you and his Dad off against eachother. The important thing is to make it clear it won't work with you.

If his Dad buys him something you told him he can't have and Dad won't stop doing this, say that those things have to be kept at Dad's to reinforce the point that your rules are to be kept at your house.
If he wants to keep a bit of balloon and says, 'but Dad would let me', tell him he can keep it...but at his Dad's. Dad might get the message when his house fills up with the stuff his son turns up with.
Make sure your son understands why your rules are there, and make sure they aren't 'for the sake of it'. Try not to be naggy about stuff he can do at Dads, just make it clear it's not on and pass it back to his Dad.
My mother, on the rare occasion we did say, 'Daf would let me' would say 'That is up to your father, in HIS house. In THIS house, it's not allowed'
But do make sure it's not all rules and routine at your house.

Kids are clever and they understand different rules, different houses. So keep doing what you're doing and being consistent and loving. It doesn't matter what your DS's dad does at his house. Just let your DS rinse him for what he can get out of him (more fool him!) and keep making it clear that bratty and entitled behaviour won't fly in your house.

And don't worry about the money difference. It's not money which creates the magic.

He is 9 and starting to get a bit argumentative. He is supposed to. It’s pre puberty. His hormones are on the move.

Learn to pick your battles, carry on being firm and fair. Prepare for some rocky moments when you really won’t see eye to eye and just ride out the next ten years.

When my kids were little, and we had been to McDonald's in London, the cup- yes, the crappy disposable McDonald's cup- blew across gower street and they were upset that 'Cuppy' was lost and I then had to trudge across the road to get it.
Same with sticks. Each one was beloved and named Sticky.
Crazy! We laugh about it now!

I don’t think he’s unstable now , yes he was that behaviour doesn’t come from a stable person , but a lot of time has passed . I think his partner is good for him and I think he’s found the family life and happiness that he was looking for with me, but that I didn’t want with him . They are clearly a very happy couple and provide a stable environment for our child - aside from the “ no rules/ boundaries “ at least.

When I say do things together, I mean thing like parents evening etc , we don’t socialise and we aren’t friends . We just put a good show on for DS. I don’t like him at all , I don’t like that I’m tied to him , the only reason I don’t regret ever laying eyes on him is that I got my beautiful boy out of it .