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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not buy Xmas gifts

26 replies

hnwis · 03/12/2023 08:45

We are hosting Xmas for 15 people - mix of mine & husband's family. The only children are ours who are early teens. Every year we all buy each other stuff for the sake of it but this year, like most, money is tighter. I've said we would prefer to not buy gifts for everyone this year but will be gifting our parents a little something as we see them regularly & they do a lot for us. Stressed we really don't want any gifts ourselves either, but if they want to gift the teens then that's fine as they're still 'young' but no expectation. Is this unreasonable? We get the feeling from the response we're being grinches! And how do we handle those who still insist on buying us gifts, which will leave us feeling v guilty on the day, especially as some will receive gifts from us (parents) & some won't. Should we just buy everyone a box of chocs for the sake of it?!

OP posts:

Zamzamzamdeedah · 03/12/2023 08:46

It may not be about being grinch but they probably already bought things. These agreements need to be made much earlier

Rjahdhdvd · 03/12/2023 08:48

It might be a bit late now but secret Santa works well in these scenarios, cheaper overall and everyone gets a decent gift.
Keep to what you’ve said now though, nothing wrong with saying no gifts in there situations imo

fairygalaxy · 03/12/2023 08:50

It's far too late to be saying this now. Most people will have done their shopping.

Next year do a big donation to a foodbank for everyone's gift

grayhairdontcare · 03/12/2023 08:50

You are not unreasonable but are very late with letting people know.

AluckyEllie · 03/12/2023 08:50

No don’t do it. You’ve made it abundantly clear what you’ll be doing and it’s such a waste to just buy 15 boxes of chocs/bottles of wine/smellies sets and get 15 back!
You might feel a bit awkward but next year no one will buy for you as they’ll realise you mean business. I hate the pointless exchange of gifts that have no meaning, much better to do as you want to and just buy special thoughtful gifts for a few people (that you want to!)

Whinge · 03/12/2023 08:51

Zamzamzamdeedah · 03/12/2023 08:46

It may not be about being grinch but they probably already bought things. These agreements need to be made much earlier

I agree with this. It's December, most people will have already bought presents. If you wanted to do a no gift Christmas then you needed to suggest it several months ago, not leave it until a few weeks before the big day.

determinedtomakethiswork · 03/12/2023 08:52

I think it's perfectly okay that people buy you something because you are hosting, but you don't buy anything for them.

Original poster

hnwis · 03/12/2023 08:57

Ah should explain, we said this 2 weeks ago. The guilt is just building now as I'd usually be buying gifts for them all now & feel weird not doing so!

OP posts:

StylishM · 03/12/2023 08:57

If you'd stated this in Oct/early Nov, you'd have been ok, but since Black Friday has passed, when a lot of people do their shopping, it doesn't give people much notice

Original poster

hnwis · 03/12/2023 08:58

Honestly, my family do not usually start buying early!

OP posts:

Ladypugs60 · 03/12/2023 09:04

I have a friend with two DC that I always bought Christmas and birthday presents for, and my friend always bought me lovely thoughtful gifts.
However, both of the DC's are adults and in full time work, and gifting them cash just seems pointless, and I ran out of ideas for presents years ago.

So back in October I spoke to her and told her I appreciated the lovely gifts I had received from them, but I was struggling what to get for her DC's. That I knew it was a pain tearing round getting something for me, and she had enough on her plate with her busy family life.
Whether she was waiting for me to make the first move I don't know, but she agreed straightaway!

The point of this (wordy) post, is tell them in plenty of time.

ellie09 · 03/12/2023 09:05

Do secret santa with a bigger budget next year!

Everyone still gets a gift of larger monetary value (I usually set budget from £50-£100 depending on what you think is affordable for everyone)

Whinge · 03/12/2023 09:06

hnwis · 03/12/2023 08:58

Honestly, my family do not usually start buying early!

If you only told them 2 weeks ago then they might have already bought gifts. Buying Christmas presents in November isn't exactly buying them early.

CreeperBoom · 03/12/2023 09:07

You are basically saying "only buy for the children" when you are the only one with children. That's not really fair.

My inlaws do "no presents for adults", but since we are the only ones with DC, we still buy them all something "from the kids" to make it fair.

I think its fine to cut right back, but a bit mean to give nothing.

Zamzamzamdeedah · 03/12/2023 09:07

hnwis · 03/12/2023 08:57

Ah should explain, we said this 2 weeks ago. The guilt is just building now as I'd usually be buying gifts for them all now & feel weird not doing so!

Mid November is still too late. I already have most presents by then

Fifthtimelucky · 03/12/2023 09:10

Other than the late notice, the issue I think I is that you are saying no presents for the adults, but it's fine to buy presents for the children.

If there were other children in the family that would be fine, but as they are all yours, it looks a bit one-sided.

I agree with the poster who suggested a Secret Santa might work in these circumstances. Set a budget like £50 and then everyone gets one decent thing rather than lots of little things that they probably don't want.

NorthernAttitude · 03/12/2023 09:10

I understand where you're coming from. I proposed no gifts to my in-laws because I am fed up getting tat that I just give straight to charity and buy them similar unneeded stuff. They insist gifting continues. My family agreed on Secret Santa and it works really well. I think I'd buy a small thing for everyone this year rather than feel so awkward if they gave me something and I didn't back. Next year do secret Santa.

Maddy70 · 03/12/2023 09:12

Youcould have a lucky dip. We cater for 18 and I cant afford to buy presents for everyone

Some nice presents and some really cheap £1 shop ones.

Its fun , this is what we do. Everyone gets a turn of dipping and gets a present and a laugh at the crap/funny ones

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/12/2023 09:12

Given more people are counting costs this year they may have started earlier than usual, lots of people have. I finished mine two weeks ago.

Are they contributing to what you’re hosting by bringing food or drink or are you shouldering it all? 15 people is a lot!

Keepinmovin · 03/12/2023 09:13

We are doing secret santa for all the adults. So we are just buying 1 gift with a price cap then everyone gets 1 gift on the day. We just did it on a website which generated the names (and we set up exclusions so couples never got each other).
Obviously couple can buy each other gift on top but we've said that those are to be given separately.

fairygalaxy · 03/12/2023 09:14

You needed to have decided this October at the latest

maddening · 03/12/2023 09:14

We started a family secret santa for the adults with a £50 budget,.much easier and works well.

Globules · 03/12/2023 09:21

What are all these posts "They'll all already have bought their gifts" ?

Just because YOU have, it doesn't mean everybody has! I haven't bought a jot. Advent calendars for the kids purchased 30 Nov. Presents will be next week or later.

@hnwis knows their family best, and they know if they're likely to have already bought or not.

Don't waste money on gifts if you can't afford them. And don't feel bad about it. I've just read another thread where an adult poster is given a sackful of presents by SIL of things she really doesn't want and ends up giving them all away. Gifting has gone mad. I remember getting 1 present as a child. And a stocking of fruit, stationary and practical smellies like toothpaste and soap

Isn't the point of giving to give though? Not to receive. Reciprocating presents is lovely if everyone can afford it, but if you can't, you can't. Maybe emphasise to the family that you won't be buying any presents and certainly don't expect to receive any presents, but they can do what they like amongst themselves at your house. That way, those who have already bought can gift the present. Or take it back to the shop for a refund 😉

I vote doing a Nessa and gifting them a Celebrations each if you feel that bad.

(Well I've now learnt about GIFs on posts 🤣)

Xyyxxx · 03/12/2023 09:34

What would Martin Lewis do?

fairygalaxy · 03/12/2023 09:35

Xyyxxx · 03/12/2023 09:34

What would Martin Lewis do?

Give everyone £1 and teach them about compound interest?

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