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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To miss the relationship I had with DH before we had children

38 replies

Frenchbaguettewithbutter · 03/12/2023 08:26

We'd been together 9 years before our first was born and we had a really lovely life and a very happy marriage.

We have two DDs now, 3 and 1 and life isn't bad really, it's just a bit monotonous and I feel so much of the time all we are is Mummy and Daddy. We both work full time and do long slightly awkward hours to fit around childcare, we only really get time together if we have a coffee together at 4am and then we're generally just talking about the things we need to talk about that are boring but have to be agreed because we don't have time to speak freely any other time. After bedtime we both are just exhausted and end up asleep very quickly. He's a wonderful Dad and still a lovely husband; he does work hard and he does his fair share with the girls and around the house. But we barely have sex anymore, maybe once a week, we just don't have time or are utterly exhausted and we so rarely get any time just the two of us. We do try to be affectionate and give each other a quick cuddle or kiss in passing but that's about it. We live together but I feel like I just don't see him and I don't feel like his wife anymore, just his roommate and co-parent.
Truthfully I find parenting a challenge anyway and as much as I adore my girls, I do wish sometimes that I could go back and not have children because life is not as good as it was before right now. Hopefully it will again one day, I do get that this is the really hard stage. But I just miss him and can't help feeling a bit resentful of the choices we've made that have taken away my best friend it feels.

OP posts:
Shalopea · 03/12/2023 08:30

It’s a very intense time of parenting so it’s definitely important to try to get some couple time. Is there any possibility for either of you to cut your hours a bit in the short term?

Any family who could take them for a night now and again to give you a break?

Fulshaw · 03/12/2023 08:32

I don’t think this is unusual. I’d never argued once with DH before we had children so I know exactly what you mean.

You’ll hear this a lot but these early years really are the toughest. But things will change and get easier as they grow - you just have to survive this bit.

Tell him how you are feeling. Try and laugh together about your situation, find the humour. Be kind to each other and don’t get resentful over little things.

You will make it!

HeraSyndulla · 03/12/2023 08:37

That’s why I hired a nanny. There’s more to me than just being a parent and there’s more to marriage than kids.

SallyWD · 03/12/2023 08:42

Having two toddlers is incredibly full on. It gets easier. Mine are now 13 and 11 and were much more like a couple again now. The kids often amuse themselves and we have time to ourselves.

frazzled101 · 03/12/2023 08:48

I completely relate to this. You're at a really busy time in terms of the ages of your girls. Mine are now 5 and 2 and it feels a little easier, partly because our 2 year old is generally easy going.

It will get gradually easier as the girls get older.

Could you occasionally take a half day of work while the girls are in childcare and go out for lunch together?

HousePlantNeglect · 03/12/2023 08:58

YANBU to feel how you feel, little kids are full on and take up all your energy. We're in the thick of it with three of similar ages to yours and me and DH are like ships in the night.

I think you just have to keep on keeping on at this point. Try and maintain the intimacy even if it's just once a week, if you can't get out for an evening together cook a decent meal/get a takeaway on a Fri/Sat and make sure you eat it at the table away from the TV so you can have a chat, or as someone suggested even half a day annual leave at the same time every few months makes a big difference.

It defo does get easier and we did start to feel more like a couple again when our middle one was 1.5-2 (but we had a third so are back to square one! But I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel).

Leafysuburb · 03/12/2023 09:00

I relate to this. We've had to request meetings with each other in our work calendars and then hop off to the cinema and brunch before school and nursery end for the day. It only happens about once every 3 months though as our work is so full on.

jeaux90 · 03/12/2023 09:02

I had a live in nanny for 10 years. I'm a lone parent so had no choice career wise but honestly those times to myself when I could go for a swim or a coffee on my own or with a friend saved my mental marbles.

Original poster
Frenchbaguettewithbutter · 03/12/2023 09:05

Thanks everyone. Unfortunately we can't afford to change anything about work and we don't have family locally enough that they can help.
I know everyone is right though. We were in a much better position before we had DD2 as once she got to almost 2 things were much easier and less intense with DD1 so we'll get there again and it's not far off in the grand scheme of things. I'll suggest the half a day AL to him as that's not a bad idea. Most of AL is accounted for really for childcare but half a day here or there might be doable actually, I hadn't really thought about that so thank you. I'll be sure to bring it up at our next 4 am meeting 😅

OP posts:
Ihaterhymingrabbit · 03/12/2023 09:08

I get where you’re coming from, we are the same but it helps to think that this is a season of your life it’s not your life forever.

One day your kids will be busy doing their own thing and you and your husband can begin a new season of doing your own thing whenever you want.

DP and I had 9 years of couples holidays, weekend drinks and doing whatever we wanted but the life we chose now is young kids so now it’s mainly about them until they’re older.

In the mean time, schedule in date days/nights where you can, take a day of annual leave together if possible.

TR888 · 03/12/2023 09:08

Someone on MN once said that having children was like throwing a hand grenade into a relationship. That really resonated with me at the time, and still does.

Yes, these are the hardest years, things will eventually get better, blah, blah, blah. The problem is, by the time things do get better, the relationship between the parents has changed to the point of no return. Not for all couples, granted, but for many.

Original poster
Frenchbaguettewithbutter · 03/12/2023 09:09

@jeaux90 I completely agree and we are actually very good at supporting each other for that. Especially now DD2 is in nursery so it's easier to be away from her for longer (still breastfeeding) so the last few months we've both been making sure we allow each other a day or half a day at weekends to go and have time to ourselves or friends child free which is keeping us both sane. It's just that the person I really want to spend time with is him and that's not an option on those days haha.

OP posts:
neverbeenskiing · 03/12/2023 09:10

3 and 1 is the absolute pits. It won't always be like this. Before you know it they'll be old enough for playdates, sleepovers, holiday clubs or to just entertain themselves in their rooms for a bit and you'll start to be able to claw back pieces of time for yourselves.

I felt very much like you when mine were really little. Youngest is 5 now and although some days are still challenging, once we've got the kids to bed DH and I can chat over a glass of wine or watch a film together. At one time that seemed impossible as it took ages to settle them and one of them was always waking up in the night, but once everyone is toilet trained and sleeping through things get easier.

wideawakeinthemiddleofthenightagain · 03/12/2023 09:12

We'd just got out of the trenches of the day to day battle of parenting when Covid struck. There'd been the odd glimpse of our old relationship before then. We then had to juggle home schooling with both wfh in intense, busy jobs etc and it was all fairly miserable and repetitive again.
A couple of years down the line & the DC are 11 & 14 and life is very different. 18mths or so ago every now and again the thought "oh, I still like you" flitted across my head. Now I just take that for granted! Life is so very different with older children. There isn't a constant battle of "I'm more tired than you"; the DC get themselves to & from school so we're not constantly negotiating childcare pick ups; it very rarely happens but knowing we can just go out for a drink of an evening just leaving the DC at home is nice; there's more headspace as the DC disappear off to do their own thing so I'm not constantly glaring at DH (who always did his fair share but just has a much bigger job than me) wondering if he'll do something with the DC and give me some peace; I'm exercising more which is better for me mental health, makes me a nicer person and nicer to be around. All of this snowballs - I'm sure I'm being much kinder to DH who is then kinder back etc. Looking back, there seemed to be years when all of our conversations started with accusations about not emptying the dishwasher/forgetting to this or that child related thing etc

dressedforcomfort · 03/12/2023 09:17

I definitely feel the same OP. We have no family close by to help and DS has SEND so doesn't get invited to play dates without one of us there and has never been on a sleepover. He's literally ALWAYS with us. DH and I haven't had a night away just to ourselves for 8 years....

Ofa · 03/12/2023 10:25

If you’re still kissing and cuddling and having sex once a week then you’re doing absolutely amazingly.

I had an idyllic relationship with DH for a decade before we had children. We do not like each other much any more. Last time
he smiled at me was July.

Children out stress on a relationship aome fail others survive, your relationship is surviving well done I’m glad for you.

DonnaBanana · 03/12/2023 10:26

Imagine if a man came in here with a similar complaint. This phase will pass in time

WinterParakeets · 03/12/2023 10:33

This is the hardest time to stay connected with a partner, and your working patterns don't help but there's not a lot you can do about that rigth now.

You've seen a problem and that's a good sign. DH and I started to claw back tiny bits of our old life - just to remind ourselves we had a relationship. One thing we did was, on the rare times we had a night out together, we never went for a meal or a drink - if you do, you end up talking about the children. Do something that creates a new memory similar to your old life. Go to a gig, a comedy night, a concert or theatre show, even just the cinema.

At home, at weekends, when doing chores or prepping dinner, put on music you both love. Make some good plans for the future when DC are a bit older - plan a weekend away together.

The other thing we found helped was to create a new kind of fun as a family - going out together a lot, exploring Uk on days out, going to wildlife sanctuaries or to hands on museums - things we all enjoyed.

TheChosenTwo · 03/12/2023 10:33

I think most of us feel that way, the dynamic shifts in a seismic way. Dh and I have 3 dc although much older now. What I miss mostly is evenings together. The dc are all up late and it never feels like we have time to ourselves ever, I miss the days when they were all tucked up in bed at 7:30 and we could sit down together and just switch off.

theduchessofspork · 03/12/2023 10:34

It’s the toughest time for a couple. It will get better.

Not everyone loves parenting, but there’s also a good chance you’ll like it much more with bigger kids.

In the meantime can you talk to him about scheduling some time for you both, even if it’s a date night once every 2 weeks or once a month.

Also, I do think you have to schedule sex when you have little kids - it’s just how it is - but life is much better when you do.

Nofilteritwonthelp · 03/12/2023 10:34

Agree with you 💯

theduchessofspork · 03/12/2023 10:36

DonnaBanana · 03/12/2023 10:26

Imagine if a man came in here with a similar complaint. This phase will pass in time

He’d get exactly the same advice the OP is getting. It’s a perfectly reasonable thing to ask for advice on. This too shall pass isn’t all that helpful

Echobelly · 03/12/2023 10:37

As people have said, it's an intense time.

TBH, I think if you're managing sex once a week or so with two tiny kids around I think that's honestly not bad going - I know it may be cold comfort but some couples go weeks or months without it at this stage.

I think in our case having parents nearby to babysit so we could have nights out together or time to see friends was a massive help, so if you can arrange something, even once a month or so, it makes a big difference.

Ohforfox · 03/12/2023 10:41

If I was your friend I'd happily babysit so you could go out with your husband. You could always ask, people generally speaking want to help. Or even ask one of the nursery staff if they babysit? Going for a nice meal for a couple of hours sounds like it would be really good for you both.

Quickredfox · 03/12/2023 10:56

I think it’s actually a good sign that you miss it. You’ll be motivated to get it back.