To miss the relationship I had with DH before we had children

[Frenchbaguettewithbutter]

We'd been together 9 years before our first was born and we had a really lovely life and a very happy marriage.

We have two DDs now, 3 and 1 and life isn't bad really, it's just a bit monotonous and I feel so much of the time all we are is Mummy and Daddy. We both work full time and do long slightly awkward hours to fit around childcare, we only really get time together if we have a coffee together at 4am and then we're generally just talking about the things we need to talk about that are boring but have to be agreed because we don't have time to speak freely any other time. After bedtime we both are just exhausted and end up asleep very quickly. He's a wonderful Dad and still a lovely husband; he does work hard and he does his fair share with the girls and around the house. But we barely have sex anymore, maybe once a week, we just don't have time or are utterly exhausted and we so rarely get any time just the two of us. We do try to be affectionate and give each other a quick cuddle or kiss in passing but that's about it. We live together but I feel like I just don't see him and I don't feel like his wife anymore, just his roommate and co-parent.
Truthfully I find parenting a challenge anyway and as much as I adore my girls, I do wish sometimes that I could go back and not have children because life is not as good as it was before right now. Hopefully it will again one day, I do get that this is the really hard stage. But I just miss him and can't help feeling a bit resentful of the choices we've made that have taken away my best friend it feels.

There was a time when DH and I met for lunch during work about once a week and sat there with notebooks and phones like colleagues and did all the life admin stuff, meal planning, diaries etc and it meant we had a bit more quality time later together. It felt that everytime we walked into a room one or the other was asking what are we doing about x, did you phone about Y. This way we could schedule an evening together just us. It's a very tough phase you are going through and you become work mates for a while, sadly it's quite normal. It sounds like things are as good between you despite the pressure.

Unfortunately think this is normal. Pre kids is spontaneity, lie-ins and fun. All your money and time is spent on pleasing yourselves and it feels great. Post toddler you do get some time back and much needed sleep, but spontaneity is gone forever especially when they start school. Sorry OP.

I totally understand that feeling. I still feel the same although managed to just accept it for what is is. I wish sometimes I too could turn the clocks too.

Sorry OP there is no turning back but it will eventually morph into a different dynamic related to the age of your children. Different ages different challenges. Hang in there xx

To add to my earlier post too, dh and I try to go out for lunch together every couple of weeks depending on work diaries, I wfh and he’s self employed so we do have the flexibility. it’s a really lovely bit of time where we will usually sit and talk about stuff that’s coming up, what to buy for someone’s birthday, who’s going to parents evening, diary dates - life admin stuff, but it shares the load a bit if we can agree to this stuff in advance it frees up the pressure of me thinking I have to deal with all of it myself which could lead to resentment.

It's just the season of life you're in right now. 2 toddlers is intense, but it WILL pass.
And before you know it, they'll be 9 and 7 and up in their rooms doing their own thing.
And then you'll blink again and they'll be 16 and 14. All the plastic tat will be gone, they'll be out somewhere with their mates, and you and your DH won't know what to do with yourselves!

It comes back once theyre older. Just hang in there. I don't think me and my DH have ever loved each other as much as we do now and part of it is because we've made it through those super tough years together.

My children are 9 and 6 and I know exactly what you mean.

Me and DH are lucky if we get any time together from a month to month basis. They go to a grandparents house for a sleepover about once every 2-3 months but apart from that they’re with us all the time.

The only time me and DH get alone is from 9.15pm onwards when the oldest has gone to sleep……and by then we’re ready for bed 😬

We love our children but we often wonder what life would have been like if we’d not had children. I’d quite like to experience child-free life just to see how it compares…..

We’re in exactly the same phase and I’m just amazed you’re having sex once a week, that’s incredible. We’ve had sex once this year 😂
It’s a hard season for sure, but it won’t last forever. We had our first ‘date’ in well over a year last weekend and it was so nice to just sit across a table and talk to each other and have some wine. Just try not to forget each other while you’re on the treadmill. Finding time for a midweek lunch or something when you can is a great suggestion

they’re with us all the time I’m honestly not unsympathetic but was something else agreed prior to children? I don’t want that to sound unsupportive, that really isn’t the intention.

No, we knew they’d be with us all the time 😂

That doesn’t mean we don’t miss having some time alone 😂

I’ve just started a thread about this YANBU. I have 2, DD4 and DS who is 9 months. I’m desperately missing my ‘old’ life at the moment, either my life before children or when I just had 1 who was out of nappies and I could leave with DP whenever I fancied an evening out or a night away. DS is CMPA and breastfed and while he is absolutely adorable, I’m just miserable. He wakes all night because he’s had a permanent cold for 2 months, I darent take him to any groups because he will catch another so the things we do are very limited. I miss feeling like me, I miss wearing nice clothes, I miss talking to other adults and feeling that excitement when I have some nice plans coming up. I’ve had to cancel my girls Christmas meet up because of DS being ill and bottle refusing. I’m very very down at the moment and although I know it will improve slowly that’s not really helping in the moment.

sorry to bore on about me, basically you’re not alone in missing your pre child life. It doesn’t make you a bad mum, in fact it shows your dedication to your DC that you haven’t just dumped them on just about anyone to rush off and enjoy yourself (don’t get me wrong if I had a safe reliable babysitter I would do this occasionally, but I don’t!). We will get there, all we can do is keep going really.

Obviously not but the reality of it is very different to thinking ahead and going ‘ah yes it’ll be hard but I will manage’. It’s like starting a new job - you go in with the best of intentions to wow everyone and cope really well, but you’re a human who has off days and sometimes just can’t force yourself to put your game face on. But to the max because it’s 24 hours a day.

I do get that @SheIsStuck23

@Naptrappedmummy knowing and living are so different! I don’t actually miss time with DH; I miss time with me though!