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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be insanely jealous and wish things were different

35 replies

Squirre · 03/12/2023 03:01

I'll start this by saying I know deep down I'm being unreasonable. I think I just need the external reinforcement that I'm being daft! I'm trying to be vague with personal details so hopefully this makes sense!

Background: I've been single since seperating from my ex husband. Our dc has complex needs and I hadn't even contemplated dating let alone anything else

Then stupidly and to my massive shame when dc was at respite a few weeks ago I slept with someone I shouldn't have. I'll call him C. C is single but it was a complicated situation and a bad decision by both of us. I'm still not sure where it came from as we were both sober. He admitted feelings but I've been such an emotionless robot since my ex left I didn't think I was capable of romantic feelings anymore. But for what happened to happen i must have.

I posted on here to give my head a shake and it helped a lot. We agreed never again and have barely been in contact since.

But ever since it happened I miss him and more than that I feel this stupid over the top sicky stomach churning like I'm a lovelorn 14 year old. I know it's not coming from anywhere logical but I can't seem to stop it. I've just felt so sad and stupid ever since and can't make it go away.

We finally saw each other again recently at a family event. We couldn't really avoid eachother and it was fine and not awkward. My Dad whose passed away and has an anniversary coming up & C gave me a small but really thoughtful gift related to something special me and Dad used to do. It was lovely and sweet but then our conversation was interupted by my ex who started talking about C's birthday and how C snuck off on the night with someone and when everyone else got back to the air b and b he was loudly having sex...

Aibu to feel jealous? To wish we were through the looking glass and things could be different? To keep bloody thinking about it when it just makes me feel terrible?

There could never be a relationship between us, he's single and can sleep with whoever he wants, I'm being mopey and pathetic. Just argh I've never had so many feelings fighting with eachother before and it's sending me a bit loopy! I hate this so much.

OP posts:
Duckingella · 03/12/2023 03:04

Are you the poster who slept with your exes brother?

Guavafish1 · 03/12/2023 03:12

I would be hurt and it would put me off him permanently. There no point in regrets.

SacreBleugh · 03/12/2023 03:24

I think your home life is probably pretty tough with a child with complex needs and you are craving romance and sex. Perfectly understandable. This bloke is unsuitable for whatever reason but maybe it's time to start looking elsewhere?

TopBitchoftheWitches · 03/12/2023 03:25

Still in!

TopBitchoftheWitches · 03/12/2023 03:27

Sorry, wrong post.

YoureALizardHarry11 · 03/12/2023 03:43

What’s wrong with telling him how you feel, OP? You’re both single, the worst that can happen is it’s not reciprocated and he rejects you and you hurt for a while, but you’re already hurting now anyway so there’s nothing to lose really. If he’s admitted feelings for you in the past I’d take a chance in your shoes.

If it goes wrong then just stay away from each other as much as possible until it blows over. You don’t see too much of each other anyway from your post.

Obviously I’m saying this not knowing the context of the complicated situation! But if he’s not toxic or anything then IMO a romance that blossoms from a friendship is the best way.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/12/2023 04:19

Duckingella · 03/12/2023 03:04

Are you the poster who slept with your exes brother?

That was also my thought. Yes, if you are the same posters yabu to be jealous when you decided not to pursue a relationship with him. You have nothing to lose by telling him how you feel now. If he doesn’t feel that way anymore, you have gained information.

ZekeZeke · 03/12/2023 04:25

Presume this is the younger brother of your ex?
You are of course being unreasonable but it's okay to feel a bit jealous.
You don't want him but you don't want anyone else to have him either.

autienotnaughty · 03/12/2023 04:29

Your life sounds challenging so it's understandable you crave romance and sex and it's probably easier to do that with an unobtainable man who you may have romanticised in your head.

Do you want to date? (Other people)

daisychain01 · 03/12/2023 04:50

The one thing that strikes me, if it is as PPs have said, your ex's brother you're talking about, is that it's a dysfunctional situation becoming tied to an ex's relative.

You need to get shot of them all, not tie yourself to someone who is related to a person you've split up from.

Separate yourself from those who don't make you happy, there are loads of other people out there.

Alohapotato · 03/12/2023 04:50

Duckingella · 03/12/2023 03:04

Are you the poster who slept with your exes brother?

I think she is.

honeyandfizz · 03/12/2023 06:18

I think he may have lit a spark inside you that you thought was dead and it felt good. With life being tough it is no wonder that you feel this way when something has made you feel good. I didn't see your other thread but the question is do you have feelings for him? Does he have them for you?

THisbackwithavengeance · 03/12/2023 06:45

You would be absolutely off your rocker to start a relationship or indeed go anywhere near your ex's brother.

Have a word with yourself. It will not end well.

Plus why are you at social events with your XH?

Namechange4234 · 03/12/2023 06:53

but then our conversation was interupted by my ex who started talking about C's birthday and how C snuck off on the night with someone and when everyone else got back to the air b and b he was loudly having sex...

It seems to me that C has told your ex (C's brother?) that you and C slept together and your ex is jealous and is trying to cause problems

Obviously C can sleep with who he likes, and you feel jealous because your romance gene has been awakened by the sex/oxytocin

I'd avoid C and your ex as much as possible and start afresh

GodDammitCecil · 03/12/2023 07:30

but then our conversation was interupted by my ex who started talking about C's birthday and how C snuck off on the night with someone and when everyone else got back to the air b and b he was loudly having sex...

How does your ex know about what the new guy you’re sleeping with is getting up to, better than you………………? 😳

Ollifer · 03/12/2023 07:34

Well weather it's your ex's brother or not (which if it is - stop going there!), it sounds like this guy is shagging about and not looking for anything with you. It doesn't stop you from finding some happiness with a man though op. If your child has respite care sometimes you can have time to yourself and try and date a bit.

Original poster
Squirre · 03/12/2023 09:43

THisbackwithavengeance · 03/12/2023 06:45

You would be absolutely off your rocker to start a relationship or indeed go anywhere near your ex's brother.

Have a word with yourself. It will not end well.

Plus why are you at social events with your XH?

We don't want dc to miss family events but because of the nature of dc's disabilities it's tricky out & about. We have always done these together as it's easier and means dc doesn't miss out. Also still v. close with dc's grandparents.

OP posts:
Janieforever · 03/12/2023 09:45

Is this your brother in law? I’m assuming you’re that poster. I’m not really sure what to say, but it was just sex, and he is having sex with others, glad it wasn’t awkward though. You need to try to move on.

greencheetah · 03/12/2023 09:49

You’re the poster who had great sex with her exes brother, right?

It sounds like he has told your ex all about it, hence ex making that comment about his brother’s conquest.

You need to back right away.

Original poster
Squirre · 03/12/2023 10:00

Answering some questions - yes it's the same situation. I'm not going to pursue anything, nothings happened since that one time. I'm just tangled in my head and sticky horrible emotions. Using mumsnet as a proxy for a blunt friend to set me straight 🙈 but honestly I'm never going to justify or pursue anything. I'm fine in the day but feels like the second I stop at night all of these completely irrational feelings bubble up. I can't seem to stop it.
Ex was on the birthday weekend trip so was one of the friends staying in the same place/over hearing. Ex always does things like this - he can be immature and likes the attention on him. I don't think C has told him as ex would have said. I think he spotted C giving me the gift/talking about my Dad and wanted to interrupt that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Squirre · 03/12/2023 10:13

autienotnaughty · 03/12/2023 04:29

Your life sounds challenging so it's understandable you crave romance and sex and it's probably easier to do that with an unobtainable man who you may have romanticised in your head.

Do you want to date? (Other people)

I think you're right. I don't want to date - I find the idea a bit terrifying if I'm honest. I'd love to be in a relationship and not be on my own but I also know that's not realistic. It's like I've got two brains. Sensible brain that knows all of this and stupid brain who seems to be going through puberty and watching too many romcoms.

OP posts:
SophieStew · 03/12/2023 10:17

I think you are probably naive in thinking your ex doesn’t know.

You should stop attending events where his brother will be, make any excuse.

pizzaHeart · 03/12/2023 10:26

it not a stupid brain, you just want to feel loved, you are tired of being on your own and dealing with problems. It’s absolutely normal.
You can’t freely choose whom to see and why because of DC’s situation and that makes it more difficult.
I don’t have much advice but don’t be hard on yourself because to separate all layers is tricky in your situation. Chat here. You will move on slowly.

dontgobaconmyheart · 03/12/2023 10:43

I don't really know the context of a previous post but it sounds like he enjoys playing the field really and that's probably how this situation came to be (in part) in the first place - clearly he is in the market for that type of thing and actively looking.

You won't be the first person to catch feelings after sleeping with someone OP. It doesn't mean that you actually like him or are in love. One present from him doesn't mean he is either. It sounds like a difficult and vulnerable time for you and i'd be considering that to be the cause of most of this. I also doubt he's the first man to monopolise on something like that. If it is indeed the case that he's your ex's brother presumably it's just further evidence that he's not overly interested in others feelings and is out to enjoy himself really.

Honestly I'd just stop contact. Get rid of the gift and move forward. You don't need a token gift from an opportunist one night stand to remember your dad at the end of the day. Give him no more airtime and spend time with and on yourself.

Janieforever · 03/12/2023 10:47

dontgobaconmyheart · 03/12/2023 10:43

I don't really know the context of a previous post but it sounds like he enjoys playing the field really and that's probably how this situation came to be (in part) in the first place - clearly he is in the market for that type of thing and actively looking.

You won't be the first person to catch feelings after sleeping with someone OP. It doesn't mean that you actually like him or are in love. One present from him doesn't mean he is either. It sounds like a difficult and vulnerable time for you and i'd be considering that to be the cause of most of this. I also doubt he's the first man to monopolise on something like that. If it is indeed the case that he's your ex's brother presumably it's just further evidence that he's not overly interested in others feelings and is out to enjoy himself really.

Honestly I'd just stop contact. Get rid of the gift and move forward. You don't need a token gift from an opportunist one night stand to remember your dad at the end of the day. Give him no more airtime and spend time with and on yourself.

It’s her brother in law. Her ex husbands younger brother, who’s in the navy and not there often if I remember right, the gift isn’t romantic, simply they are effectively family. It’s not quite as she’s presented it, it’s her husbands younger brother who she’s known since he was very young.