To be insanely jealous and wish things were different

[Squirre]

I'll start this by saying I know deep down I'm being unreasonable. I think I just need the external reinforcement that I'm being daft! I'm trying to be vague with personal details so hopefully this makes sense!

Background: I've been single since seperating from my ex husband. Our dc has complex needs and I hadn't even contemplated dating let alone anything else

Then stupidly and to my massive shame when dc was at respite a few weeks ago I slept with someone I shouldn't have. I'll call him C. C is single but it was a complicated situation and a bad decision by both of us. I'm still not sure where it came from as we were both sober. He admitted feelings but I've been such an emotionless robot since my ex left I didn't think I was capable of romantic feelings anymore. But for what happened to happen i must have.

I posted on here to give my head a shake and it helped a lot. We agreed never again and have barely been in contact since.

But ever since it happened I miss him and more than that I feel this stupid over the top sicky stomach churning like I'm a lovelorn 14 year old. I know it's not coming from anywhere logical but I can't seem to stop it. I've just felt so sad and stupid ever since and can't make it go away.

We finally saw each other again recently at a family event. We couldn't really avoid eachother and it was fine and not awkward. My Dad whose passed away and has an anniversary coming up & C gave me a small but really thoughtful gift related to something special me and Dad used to do. It was lovely and sweet but then our conversation was interupted by my ex who started talking about C's birthday and how C snuck off on the night with someone and when everyone else got back to the air b and b he was loudly having sex...

Aibu to feel jealous? To wish we were through the looking glass and things could be different? To keep bloody thinking about it when it just makes me feel terrible?

There could never be a relationship between us, he's single and can sleep with whoever he wants, I'm being mopey and pathetic. Just argh I've never had so many feelings fighting with eachother before and it's sending me a bit loopy! I hate this so much.

Beating yourself up like this won't help OP. Most of us are hard-wired to seek companionship, love and sex - it's a biological and social urge. Humans are social creatures. You're on your own and it sounds like you're lonely and craving human connection and that's nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of. Recognising that your feelings are normal might help you to stop being so hard on yourself.

As for this man - your former BIL - well he was a port in a storm and being the only man you've been with since your break-up it sounds like you've fixated a bit on him. Again, this is not entirely surprising, abnormal or unusual.

If you really don't want to date atm and don't feel ready, how about trying out some social things that can fill the gap a bit? I'm thinking meet up or ramblers or a running or cycling group or something social connected with an interest of yours. No (wo)man is an island and if you're craving connection, why not seek some out?

Sounds like limerance. Itl pass.

Limerance and a longing for fun, excitement, just some focus on you.

I think you should sleep with someone else to distract yourself and break the tie with C.

So essentially punish the DC for something that wasn't their fault

Op you thought you were closed off, had great sex and realised actually you do have needs. That's why it's confusing. It being who it is just screws you over cos you can't even FWB.

Does Dad have DS at all? Perhaps what you need is to lightly date. Do a bit of OLD, suffer a few dinners with idiots, maybe find someone you could have safe casual sex with.

Ahhh Op I was wondering how you have been the other day since your last post. Yanbu at all, can I just ask if another meeting with him was to occur with something similar do you think this would intensify your feelings even more? If so be prepared for this but don't let it scare you. At the end of the day all feelings are only feelings, you don't have to act on them or choose to let them impact your life but it is okay to have them! It's a reaction way beyond your control. I'm so glad you're back on here and sound okay, hope you and your dd have a Good Christmas x

OP you have been dealt an awful hand in life, both in terms of marriage and parenthood.
No wonder you crave affection. Cut yourself some slack. But do try and find some decent RL support.

I think I do need to do this really. I'm a bit irrationally scared to date and put myself out there. It wasn't something I'd really given a second thought to until "the incident" 🙈. I never felt vulnerable before but the thought of potentially inviting in more of these feelings is a bit overwhelming atm.

I had to look up limerance 🙈 That is definitely what this is minus seeking contact. I think the darker, wetter days aren't helping either we're stuck inside a lot more and everything feels a bit shitty in general!

I agree that it's the first bit of "love", pleasure, feeling wanted that you have had in so long, and it's reignited that need for you.
Of course you're thinking about it and feeling jealous that he's been with someone else. It's perfectly natural to feel that way! And it's perfectly ok.
I echo others advice in that you need to carve some time for yourself to find that in someone else, and the jealous feelings will soon go away.
Hope you're ok OP and I'm just really sad for you that someone you like can't be available - it must be really hard.
Look after yourself and definitely try find that time to connect with someone who IS available to you, and can give you all of that without hurting your family xxx

Thank you ❤️ Do you mean a meeting like being at the same event or a meeting just the two of us?
I'm honestly not sure for the first, the second one - probably atm.

I forgot to put in my first post that he called me after the event but I didn't answer/ messaged saying he was sorry I'd had to hear things from ex and asking if he can call. I replied, just to say it's ok and thank you for the gift. He sent one more message to saying times he'd be free if I wanted to talk about anything and he was sorry. I just hearted it and left it. Which is very cold but I'm not sure I trust myself to have a normal conversation atm 😫 hopefully it will all fade back to normal eventually! X