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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s a PIL Christmas one. Sorry!

43 replies

PILBeingOffName · 02/12/2023 22:45

PIL live five hours away from us. All siblings and their off spring live within an hour of them.

Last Xmas we hosted my family here and then PIL visited the weekend after for a second Xmas.

We didn’t hear from them this year re plans. I try and leave it to DH because they are his family. He’s very very slow to organise things.

i gave up waiting for DH to organise because I need to let my family know our plans.

Texted them and had a message that they assume we will stay home for Xmas eve and day. They’ve invited all 3 children and the four grandchildren for Boxing Day and we are welcome to join.

How would this make you feel?

Am I unreasonable to feel hurt? Mostly that they don’t seem to be bothered about seeing my DC. It makes me feel really sad.

OP posts:
SeraphinaValentina · 02/12/2023 22:50

So from what I understand they've already invited the other children, but you're welcome to join in only because you asked about their plans - they didn't think of inviting you with everyone else. Yes, that's rubbish. Would you have to stay with them overnight if you went?

HardcoreLadyType · 02/12/2023 22:51

It’s a bit unclear to me.

Is it that they invited your family for the day on Boxing Day, but as it’s 5 hours away, it’s not feasible?

Womencanlift · 02/12/2023 22:51

I don’t see the issue. They have invited you too

If you have an issue about Christmas Day that’s for you to talk to your husband about as you default him to make plans with his parents and this was their year going by your regular pattern

Original poster
PILBeingOffName · 02/12/2023 22:52

SeraphinaValentina · 02/12/2023 22:50

So from what I understand they've already invited the other children, but you're welcome to join in only because you asked about their plans - they didn't think of inviting you with everyone else. Yes, that's rubbish. Would you have to stay with them overnight if you went?

Yes. That’s what’s happened. Yes. We would have to stay overnight. I don’t want to. I don’t feel like they want us there.

OP posts:
Original poster
PILBeingOffName · 02/12/2023 22:53

HardcoreLadyType · 02/12/2023 22:51

It’s a bit unclear to me.

Is it that they invited your family for the day on Boxing Day, but as it’s 5 hours away, it’s not feasible?

No they have invited everyone on my DHs side bar us. And only because I have chased it have they says ‘we can come’.

No ‘it would be lovely to see you’ etc.

OP posts:
BornIn78 · 02/12/2023 22:53

They’re assuming you want Christmas Day by yourselves, or seeing your side of the family, and are not putting pressure on you that it’s their ‘turn’ this year.

They’ve invited you for Boxing Day. How does that equate to them not being bothered about seeing your DC in your head?

In-laws just can’t fucking win sometimes.

Kitkatcatflap · 02/12/2023 22:54

But they have invited you for boxing day, along with all the others. I don't understand why you are hurt.

Next year, call them and make proper arrangements. Only crime here is you assuming and them assuming and no one picking up the phone. But you ou still have a Christmas invite

Original poster
PILBeingOffName · 02/12/2023 22:55

Womencanlift · 02/12/2023 22:51

I don’t see the issue. They have invited you too

If you have an issue about Christmas Day that’s for you to talk to your husband about as you default him to make plans with his parents and this was their year going by your regular pattern

We only know about it because I’ve texted. If I hadn’t I’m not sure they would have asked. They have invited DH 3 siblings and their kids.

No idea what they are doing Xmas day but likely going to his sisters.

OP posts:
Original poster
PILBeingOffName · 02/12/2023 22:57

BornIn78 · 02/12/2023 22:53

They’re assuming you want Christmas Day by yourselves, or seeing your side of the family, and are not putting pressure on you that it’s their ‘turn’ this year.

They’ve invited you for Boxing Day. How does that equate to them not being bothered about seeing your DC in your head?

In-laws just can’t fucking win sometimes.

I think I will try and see it like that. I guess a text saying ‘we have been invited to eldest sisters for Xmas day but everyone is coming to ours Boxing Day. No pressure but you’d be very welcome if you don’t have plans’ is what I’d have done. But they have organised it all and not been in touch with us at all.

OP posts:
GoodLooking4MyAge · 02/12/2023 22:58

They might just assume you don't want all that travelling. It seems like a communication issue which is the problem going both ways.

SeraphinaValentina · 02/12/2023 22:58

PILBeingOffName · 02/12/2023 22:53

No they have invited everyone on my DHs side bar us. And only because I have chased it have they says ‘we can come’.

No ‘it would be lovely to see you’ etc.

Show quote history

I think this sucks and I'm not surprised you are feeling hurt.
How do you get on with the rest of DH's family? His siblings?
I think family gatherings are wonderful for the children as they get to see and bond with grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins etc, so understand that you want to be included and not just as an afterthought.
My family all live abroad and I'm always a bit sad when they all get together, but it was my choice to move over here, so make the most of summer holidays in that respect.

Original poster
PILBeingOffName · 02/12/2023 22:58

Kitkatcatflap · 02/12/2023 22:54

But they have invited you for boxing day, along with all the others. I don't understand why you are hurt.

Next year, call them and make proper arrangements. Only crime here is you assuming and them assuming and no one picking up the phone. But you ou still have a Christmas invite

I don’t call that an invitation. It’s more like a ‘you can come too if you like’ but I’ll try and see it like you say.

OP posts:
HardcoreLadyType · 02/12/2023 22:58

I wonder if your DH being slow with the arrangements is the issue? Maybe they expected to hear from you long before now. Maybe they are begrudging because they feel that you are now changing plans that they have made a long time ago?

Womencanlift · 02/12/2023 22:58

They have invited DH 3 siblings and their kids

They may have casually invited the siblings in the same way they invited you.

Did they actually say we have specifically invited everyone else and I guess you can come to? Or did the say brother and sister are coming over on Boxing Day, do you fancy joining us?

As pp said in-laws can’t do right for doing wrong on MN

flapjackfairy · 02/12/2023 22:59

Well as you haven't contacted them they probably assumed you were doing christmas with your family again esp if they live near to.you. You have left it late to make contact so next year have these conversations earlier.

EsmereldaTheThird · 02/12/2023 22:59

i gave up waiting for DH to organise

Have they maybe messaged DH and he’s not let you know?

Neitheronethingnortheother · 02/12/2023 22:59

Maybe they are hurt that their son never bothers to organise things with them until the last minute?

TheUsualChaos · 02/12/2023 23:00

YANBU however it's pretty standard that sons make less effort than daughters. Honestly, don't don't take it personally OP. This is on your DH.

Original poster
PILBeingOffName · 02/12/2023 23:01

SeraphinaValentina · 02/12/2023 22:58

I think this sucks and I'm not surprised you are feeling hurt.
How do you get on with the rest of DH's family? His siblings?
I think family gatherings are wonderful for the children as they get to see and bond with grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins etc, so understand that you want to be included and not just as an afterthought.
My family all live abroad and I'm always a bit sad when they all get together, but it was my choice to move over here, so make the most of summer holidays in that respect.

Show quote history

Thanks for your understanding. I feel sad that they never seem that keen to see my DC.

They booked a holiday ‘to come and see us’ in the summer, but actually it was a holiday with SIL and her DC, booked an hour away from where we live. So my DC saw them twice in a whole week.

OP posts:
Onabench · 02/12/2023 23:02

It sounds like they have already had conversations with everyone else. Your DH hasn’t initiated a conversation so they assumed you had plans? You stayed home last year. Is there a typical pattern? One year there, one year at your family etc? Your OH is as much to blame

MolkosTeenageAngst · 02/12/2023 23:02

How do you k on that they reached out and invited DH’s siblings and that actually, DH’s siblings didn’t ask them about their plans in the same way you did, but just weeks earlier? If it’s taken until December for you and DH to reach out to them they about Christmas plans they probably assumed you had no interest in seeing them and it’s a bit late to be arranging to see people on Christmas Day now if you expect them to host which is probably why they assume you’re spending it at home.

Original poster
PILBeingOffName · 02/12/2023 23:03

TheUsualChaos · 02/12/2023 23:00

YANBU however it's pretty standard that sons make less effort than daughters. Honestly, don't don't take it personally OP. This is on your DH.

Yeah. I know. I’m always torn between taking in the organising but resenting it and leaving it to him and seeing it done poorly. Which reflects pretty much most aspects of domestic life! 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
PILBeingOffName · 02/12/2023 23:04

Neitheronethingnortheother · 02/12/2023 22:59

Maybe they are hurt that their son never bothers to organise things with them until the last minute?

Yes true. Although there are other things too. But yes. It’s him not getting in touch too for sure.

OP posts:
Original poster
PILBeingOffName · 02/12/2023 23:05

HardcoreLadyType · 02/12/2023 22:58

I wonder if your DH being slow with the arrangements is the issue? Maybe they expected to hear from you long before now. Maybe they are begrudging because they feel that you are now changing plans that they have made a long time ago?

True.

I hadn’t thought of it this way.

OP posts:
Original poster
PILBeingOffName · 02/12/2023 23:06

Onabench · 02/12/2023 23:02

It sounds like they have already had conversations with everyone else. Your DH hasn’t initiated a conversation so they assumed you had plans? You stayed home last year. Is there a typical pattern? One year there, one year at your family etc? Your OH is as much to blame

True. Good to see it through a different lens.

There are other things too so I probably am biased.

OP posts: