It’s a PIL Christmas one. Sorry!

[PILBeingOffName]

PIL live five hours away from us. All siblings and their off spring live within an hour of them.

Last Xmas we hosted my family here and then PIL visited the weekend after for a second Xmas.

We didn’t hear from them this year re plans. I try and leave it to DH because they are his family. He’s very very slow to organise things.

i gave up waiting for DH to organise because I need to let my family know our plans.

Texted them and had a message that they assume we will stay home for Xmas eve and day. They’ve invited all 3 children and the four grandchildren for Boxing Day and we are welcome to join.

How would this make you feel?

Am I unreasonable to feel hurt? Mostly that they don’t seem to be bothered about seeing my DC. It makes me feel really sad.

You had your family over for Christmas Day last year. You have left it until December and still haven’t invited your PIL over for Christmas Day this year and now you’re miffed that they’ve made plans without checking in with you.

Perhaps they feel like a bit of an afterthought, that their son hasn’t bothered to find out what they’re doing for Christmas or arrange anything. Maybe they feel like you’re not bothered about seeing them.

Have you actually invited them to you?

Everything you said about them could be flipped right back onto your DH and yourself.

It's fair for them to have assumed you'd be with your parents this year but shocking communication. Do you really want to travel 5 hours in a car with children near Christmas and stay on a sofa bed?

Hmmmmm if they had invited you I have a feeling that you would have been complaining that they expected you to travel for 5 hours Boxing Day morning…

Sounds like they didn’t mention it so that you wouldn’t feel obliged to go. Maybe they thought you might like to go to them the following weekend, or for them to come to you again like last year. Have you invited them at all?

That’s true actually. I kept saying to DH we need to plan Xmas but he has a morbid fear of planning. I’ve had a tough year and didn’t have the energy to chase him much.

Could be true.

I assume that DH's siblings actually talked to their parents about the plans for Christmas.

I'm not sure why you think that they got formal invitations out of nowhere from their parents who deliberately excluded you.

This is all on your DH who simply didn't bother expressing any interest in seeing them.

Yes. Terrible communication. They have made assumptions without talking to us. DH just hasn’t communicated at all. I’ve reminded DH but am loathed to take over as nearly had a breakdown a few years ago juggling work and the entire mental load.

This!

Op I think they are assuming as you hadn't been intouch you were having Christmas with your family. Rather than them.

Lack of communication from both sides.

Yup.

Although as a parent when my DC are adult with their own kids, I think if I had a conversation with one, I’d then communicate with the others - ‘what are your plans for Xmas? Thinking of doing x, but could do y. No pressure but would be lovely to see you’.

Sounds like it could just be differing family "cultures" clashing. You were expecting a formal invitation to theirs for boxing day (perhaps that's how your parents handle get togethers, so that's what you're used to?) Meanwhile it's possible your ILs only casually mentioned it to the siblings and their partners in the same way they did with you. I think making assumptions about how the offer to come over was given to the other siblings vs how it was given to you isn't helping matters.

Bad communication from both sides. I think the point others have made about the invites being brought about informally for the other family members could be valid. They just made the effort unlike your husband to ask what the plans for Christmas were. Also the PIL may have felt that asking you would bring a burden onto you and so just left you to it since they hadn’t heard anything. I don’t think it says anything about interest in your children. It is hard for some grandparents to win, either they’re too pushy or uninterested.

I wonder what the history is here. Do you usually spend Christmas with your side of the family so that's what your in laws were expecting? Do you usually not want to travel the 5 hours so they assumed you wouldn't come? Do you get on?

This is Christmas, for a lot of people it's the biggest celebration of the year. Yet you are waiting to hear from them/leaving it to DH to organise his family/letting your family know.

In this house we have a proactive conversation and agree who we will invite on which days, then speak to them about it.

I find the ‘his family: he organises, my family: I organise’ thing a bit too boundaried. When you marry you all become family…? for better or worse (and sometimes/ often worse!)

Communication is almost ALWAYs to blame in major mishaps (and yes, I realise almost always is an oxymoron)

My PILs can do my head in, they are elderly (mid 70s but with some major health issues) and have a whole host of challenges. Need 2 bedrooms adjacent, fussy appetites, v poor mobility for grandmother… some dementia creeping in on one part hugely impacting on the other.

To be honest they do my husbands head in more than mine: not physically but mentally. Like you we live several hours drive away. They have alienated another in-law sibling, so this Christmas I sucked it up and was the first to reach out ‘come to us this year’… knowing my children will value DGP time hugely, even though it will drive me potty.

My DH is so grateful but has had to be told ‘you be NICE and patient and tolerant for the sake of all of us!’ (His dad is not malicious, quite the opposite; genuinely very kind but if we had ND diagnosis 60-70 yr ago he would absolutely be there on a register).

I’d park aside minor things re who messaged who etc. My own mum, in another country but v close too, says in the current climate she doesn’t know how, when or if to contact me at her leisure because we always seem to be busy and have constant activity in our own lives.

You don't know that that isn't exactly what they've done - your dh probably replied 'don't know' and left it at that...if he's as flaky as you say I suspect that is the most likely scenario.

I’d be thrilled to bits that we can have Christmas in our own home.

I similarly live about 5 hours from my parents and the rest of my family. It would never occur to my parents to “invite” me to their house as I know I’m always more than welcome. Equally they wouldn’t want to put any pressure on me to make the long journey to visit - they wait for me to decide. Sounds like the same situation? I would be glad they’re not putting you under any pressure to visit at Christmas, which is often a stressful time already without that pressure and journey.

Likely because they actually talked to these children vs your husband who apparently makes no effort to plan with them