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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS birthday money argument Aibu

36 replies

Mrsbusybody · 02/12/2023 19:50

Me and DH have been with each other for 6 years and it’s been a very bumpy 6 years in all honesty probably should have called it quits years ago.

We had a huge argument today over DS birthday money. DS was opening his card and DH took the money of him to keep in his wallet and I said no DS can keep £20 and I will put the reaming £40 in his bank account.
He refused to hand me over the money and it blew up he then starting rowing at mum and was so disrespectful to her. Mum started to cry it broke my heart.

Once DS seen DH saying no I can’t keep hold of the money. DS started lashing out on me and going on DH’s side.

DH is his step dad and I appreciate that’s the only dad he’s ever had however I still feel like I should be able to make the decisions for DS.

AIBU? Would you want your partner holding onto kids birthday money in his wallet.

OP posts:
SBHon · 02/12/2023 19:54

Me and DH have been with each other for 6 years and it’s been a very bumpy 6 years in all honesty probably should have called it quits years ago.
Focus on this OP.

sugarandsweetener · 02/12/2023 19:54

how old is ds?

sugarandsweetener · 02/12/2023 19:56

Would you want your partner holding onto kids birthday money in his wallet.

i also wouldn’t want my child in a family home where his mum and step father have a “very bumpy” marriage that probably should have ended “years ago”

greencheetah · 02/12/2023 19:56

Well it doesn’t sound great.

Can you make plans to split if you are this unhappy?

sugarandsweetener · 02/12/2023 19:57

there is actually a fair bit to be disturbed about in your post…. does your DS often “lash out” at you?

StSwithinsDay · 02/12/2023 19:58

AIBU? Would you want your partner holding onto kids birthday money in his wallet.
That is the least of your problems.

Coconutter24 · 02/12/2023 20:04

It wouldn’t bother me but I’d trust that if DC asked him for the money for something he would hand it over straight away. Do you not trust your DC will see the money again is that the issue? It is very odd to argue over where the money goes? Bank or wallet. How old is DS?

stayathomer · 02/12/2023 20:06

How old is your ds? Aside from that yes I’ve held onto money for my sons in the wallet but it all depends on your child’s age! Sorry to hear you’re having problems

Scarydinosaurs · 02/12/2023 20:09

Had your mum given the money in the card then?

Why didn’t you want him to have the money?

Starlightstarbright2 · 02/12/2023 20:09

How old is Ds?

why did he put the money in his wallet ? Was it to spend later ?

depending on age, Ds may want to spend all his birthday money - tb my Ds always did.

StSwithinsDay · 02/12/2023 20:12

He refused to hand me over the money and it blew up he then starting rowing at mum and was so disrespectful to her. Mum started to cry it broke my heart.

Fucking bastard. Presumably your mother had put the £60 in your son's card?

CeeceeBloomingdale · 02/12/2023 20:17

There's a lot missing from the OP but essentially it's none of 'DH' business. He sounds like a controlling dick.

Thepossibility · 02/12/2023 20:17

Will he allow DS to spend the money? My parents used to just take any money given to us to spend on themselves.

Jewelspun · 02/12/2023 20:18

Putting it in his wallet for safe keeping to stop a young child from buying crap seems a good idea.

Taking the money and then spending it on himself, is awful.

Only you know what he is like.

How old is the kid?

fairygalaxy · 02/12/2023 20:19

Doesn't DS have a money box?

Mrgrinch · 02/12/2023 20:21

You haven't made it clear why you were so angry, did you think DH was going to take the money and spend it himself? This is quite crucial.

Elfandwellbeing · 02/12/2023 20:24

Ma parents would have spent it on themselves. Is that what you are concerned about? Him spending on himself?

OfficerChurlish · 02/12/2023 20:40

The stepdad's involvement - since the bio father is not in your son's life - is what you're comfortable with on your son's behalf, certainly no more than that. Since your son has a bank account, that's where whatever amount of "saved" money should go - it shouldn't be mixed in with your money or your husband's.

If you don't want him to have so much cash, could you suggest to your mum that in future she give him a small amount in the card and let him know she's also put some in his account? If she can't/won't do that, then make a rule for your son that if he does get "surprise" money, he only keeps x amount and the rest goes in his account, with clear guidance on when and how he'd be able to access banked funds.

I'm not sure if it was your husband or your son that yelled at your mum - if your son, and it's not characteristic behavior, it may just be that he was overexcited and confused by all the "options", and a clear policy on gift money will help going forward. If it was your husband, you have another problem - which you probably do anyway if he insists on arguing with you about your son in front of him.

Original poster
Mrsbusybody · 02/12/2023 20:43

he was 7 and had a birthday party all money was from his friends. I said he could keep his £20 from his grandma rest can go in his bank until he has an idea of what he wants to buy. Me and DH’s relationship isn’t great so I don’t want him having his money.

He wanted to lend money from DS savings the other day to pay a fine even though he had the money already and I wouldn’t lend it to him and I said no.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrsbusybody · 02/12/2023 20:46

He’s had a go at my mum again tonight she’s travelled all the way up here and he’s done nothing but shout at her.

I know I need to leave now but not sure how il do it.

OP posts:
StSwithinsDay · 02/12/2023 20:48

He’s had a go at my mum again tonight she’s travelled all the way up here and he’s done nothing but shout at her.

Your poor mother.
What is your situation re housing?

Original poster
Mrsbusybody · 02/12/2023 20:51

House is rented in his name he can’t afford the house or car without me we have 2 kids together and I have DS. He could move out and transfer house to me but wouldn’t.

OP posts:
Lovemusic82 · 02/12/2023 20:54

Mrsbusybody · 02/12/2023 20:51

House is rented in his name he can’t afford the house or car without me we have 2 kids together and I have DS. He could move out and transfer house to me but wouldn’t.

If the house is in his name and not your it’s not your issue if he can’t afford it. Just get out of there, go to your mums until you can sort some where else to live?

ExtraOnions · 02/12/2023 20:54

Adult keeping hold of paper money given to child ? Not a problem. I get given DDs paper money, so I can transfer it over electronically, straight to her bank account.

This isn’t about the money though, it’s about trust and respect

StSwithinsDay · 02/12/2023 20:55

Was today the first time that your mother has been subject to his behaviour? Can you go to live with her?

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