Family and their boundaries

[Lilyacpark]

At the moment myself DP, and 5 month old are back living with my parents as we save for our house - should be ready by April/may next year..we’ve already had a few problems but we’re very much stuck between a rock and hard place.. would be easier to move out but would set us back an awful lot financially..

how does anyone else deal with this?

From day one both parents have ignored any of my boundaries and I’m being referred to as the “bully” and excluding everyone in my family.

How would you deal with your father kissing your child when they have an active cold sore? And directly disobeying me telling them how serious this is!! Or putting your child’s fingers in their mouth?
Or playing with the dog who rolls around in fox poo and then touching her face??

So I’ve not been successful telling anyone in the family please stop?! Because no one’s listening and I’m being referred to as ‘mean’ and anytime family are challenged on it they say oh no I didn’t?! Or ooh sorry won’t happen again…?

I’m beyond frustrated… as a result I’m now being left out trying to maintain these boundaries.. earlier in the week instead of usually inviting me for our once a week coffee my sister and mother went without me and didn’t bother to invite..

Stressful living at home with family but I don’t think living here while saving should have to come with them breaking my boundaries that seem like common sense 😳

Soo AIBU 😳

I don't think you are unreasonable, but things aren't going to change while you are living in their house.

Your family sound like they have problems with hygiene.

That's putting it mildly. Have you sent them information about how dangerous the herpes virus can be for babies?

SO many times 🥲 I’m glad that I don’t feel like the only one.. this is the first grandchild and I think it’s been an adjustment to say the least.. my problem is I don’t think they listen or take my word for anything AT ALL 😳 @Aquamarine1029

I don’t think things will change either but we’re so stuck.. how does anyone manage these situations?! 🥲@OrigamiOwl

Yanbu, but the only thing you can do is move out. They are doing you a massive massive favour, whether or not you're paying rent. Maybe they don't really want you there? I totally adore my DD and would do anything for her, but 6+ months of her, a husband and a new baby would really push me to my limits.

(The cold sore thing is fucking rank though and I would have gone nuclear in your shoes).

Buy a Grinch hat. Be the meanie. Who cares when it's dc's health.

The problem is you actually don't have any bartering power or control.
They aren't going to listen to you out of the goodness of their hearts.

So why should they listen to you? They have constant unlimited access to the baby and you over a barrell.

Your father is disgusting, I would have smacked him in the face by now and no I'm not joking.
You need to move, get your baby out of there and just take the financial hit.

@CalistoNoSolo

totally appreciate from your point of view.. i just wish there could have a happy medium until we move 🥲 hard to cope until then

@Santaiswashinghissleigh lol Christmas hat sorted 🤭

@Wibblywobblylikejelly

true. I hate that my baby feels like public property while I’m living with them. I just don’t know how to cope with them not listening to BASIC boundaries 😳

You move out, this is your family, surely none of this is a suprise?

@TomatoSandwiches

unfortunately the financial hit is we may not own our own house.
Agreed, but how does anyone cope with someone who just doesn’t listen and then I get called out for bullying when I inevitably snap 😳🥲

@DisforDarkChocolate
truthfully it’s just different since taking our baby home here..

I appreciate how hard it must be for you too. Can you find a really cheap bedsit or similar for a few months? Maximise your income by selling stuff you don't want? Have you looked at selling your skills on places like Fivr etc?

Find somewhere to rent until the spring.

We had this. We took the hit financially and moved out and we’re so much happier even if we are stuck renting longer🤷🏼‍♀️ Your mental health and child’s health is worth more to be honest! I found things wouldn’t change until we did!

you have to decide: better to try to survive until your house is ready, or do the correct thing and get your own place.

Your family are UR but you choose to continue to live with them for financial reasons

@CalistoNoSolo

as it stands rent is ridiculous over here but that’s not the worst of it.. it’s impossible to find a place even if you can afford rent 🥲

at the moment DP is doing his max amount of extra shifts a month and as soon as I’m back from mat leave I’ll be doing my max shifts also..
and sold most of what won’t fit me postpartum 🥲

appreciate your response tho, I regularly think as hard as it is for me, it’s definitely got to be taking a toll on them too!! I just can’t understand why we can’t find a happy middle!

@Yummymummy2020

thank you for responding so glad to hear I’m not alone in it! Glad things have worked out 🤗

@Brefugee

true. It’s a difficult situation

How far off your financial goal are you?
What's the childcare plan when you go back?

Either-

move out

Or-

Accept your relationship is going to be strained, stick to your boundaries, keep your head down and count the days. You can rebuild your relationship when you leave.

I have two long term friends who have cold sores and they and their family's are so blasé about them and don't even believe you catch them! Ones a teacher and one is a nurse.

@autienotnaughty

I think I’ll be sticking with keeping my head down counting the days and repairing any hurt/strain after we move.

Thank you for this advice because Altho moving out seems far away now it won’t be tooo much longer…

Wow. No words in relation to your friend who is a nurse and teacher… I keep thinking I’m being very OTT but wth!! 😳