Family and their boundaries

[Lilyacpark]

At the moment myself DP, and 5 month old are back living with my parents as we save for our house - should be ready by April/may next year..we’ve already had a few problems but we’re very much stuck between a rock and hard place.. would be easier to move out but would set us back an awful lot financially..

how does anyone else deal with this?

From day one both parents have ignored any of my boundaries and I’m being referred to as the “bully” and excluding everyone in my family.

How would you deal with your father kissing your child when they have an active cold sore? And directly disobeying me telling them how serious this is!! Or putting your child’s fingers in their mouth?
Or playing with the dog who rolls around in fox poo and then touching her face??

So I’ve not been successful telling anyone in the family please stop?! Because no one’s listening and I’m being referred to as ‘mean’ and anytime family are challenged on it they say oh no I didn’t?! Or ooh sorry won’t happen again…?

I’m beyond frustrated… as a result I’m now being left out trying to maintain these boundaries.. earlier in the week instead of usually inviting me for our once a week coffee my sister and mother went without me and didn’t bother to invite..

Stressful living at home with family but I don’t think living here while saving should have to come with them breaking my boundaries that seem like common sense 😳

Soo AIBU 😳

@Wibblywobblylikejelly

i work a flexible shift and the way it works out i could be off for half of the year.. so in terms of childcare I may need someone to mind one or two days a week MAX. DP also works a shift so some weeks we may not need any childcare..

for the financial goal.. we’re currently house hunting and keep being outbid.. we could be out before April/may but unlikely.. we could also be LONGER than April or may but I hope not.. If we’re in the same situation by summer we will settle for a duplex or apartment.. we’ve been searching for a year and feeling really stuck now.

The basic problem is that they are doing you a massive favour and if you try to control them (as they see it) they will just tell you to move out.

What you can do is go down the "this is really really important to me and I would appreciate it so much if you'd do this for me" route.

And be really really nice to them.

I have to be honest, my kids are grown now and I didn't know about the cold sores thing. The dog thing also wouldn't bother me but then I had twins and a dog!

@Octavia64

Thanks so much for your response, I can only imagine how difficult a whole house of adults and new baby are and the navigating it all! Truthfully it’s been great in many ways and others not so much.

the cold sore thing is a big issue for me it’s more so the carelessness after repeatedly telling everyone..

have tried what you e suggested.. I actually think it’s leading me to be more pushed over.. 🥲

I 100% agree with you.. I think they think I’m trying to control them 😳

ver difficult situation all round.. we’re counting down the days.. it wasn’t like this before bubs came along xx

Kissing your baby when they have an active cold sore is a huge problem, but I don't think the rest is tbh.

Presumably your parents aren't touching lumps of fox shit and then wiping it on your baby's face 🙃 I touch my dog and then touch my baby, my dog touches my baby, and I put my baby's fingers in my mouth. I wouldn't bat an eyelid if someone else put her fingers in their mouth as long as they didn't chomp down on them 😂

As much as they should respect your boundaries, you should respect that it's their space and they are doing you a favour. It's not fair for them to feel like they're walking on egg shells around you in their own home. I'd say pick your battles and try to get over some of it, or take the financial hit and move out!

I lived with my in laws when my son was at a similar age for three months after a house purchase fell through.

I had to make a lot of compromises. And I got out the house a lot. I had keys to my church and spent days there just to be alone with my baby for a bit. Husband was at work and I couldn't spend every day with MIL and survive. Is there anywhere you can go to get some space?

Nothing so serious as kissing with a cold sore though, you all need to sit down like adults and has this out or you won't survive till Easter.

@PeskyPotato

you know exactly how I feel, thanks so much for your response. I’ve been trying to get out as much as possible too.. not sure how I’ll last till Easter tbh!

thing is we always sit down and talk it through.. my issue is there’s no respect for my boundaries around baby and worse they don’t seem to listen to what I’ve said anyway.. but the trouble is now I’m being painted the bully for all the reminders!

im grateful for all the understanding and everyone who’s been in the same boat.. I just don’t know how anyone managed and deals with this 🙈 xxx

@applesandmares

thanks so much for your response, I understand where you’re coming from in response to my post.. I suppose I just can’t understand why we can’t find a happy medium.. like no one needs to have my baby’s hands in their mouth particularly if they have cold sores 😳 family or not!

in relation to the dog.. I completely understand that too.. prior to having baby I would’ve been v lax in relation to the dog and handwashing but since having baby I’m not comfortable at all with anyone touching her face after petting the dog..
the dog swims in rivers, rolls in fox poo and of course cleans himself I could go on but ya get me 🥲😂 to each their own just not for me xxx

Move out asap and rent

I can totally see where you're coming from, especially the cold sore but you have to decide what's more important.
You have a choice to make, not an easy one, but if this is really affecting you you might need to take the financial hit.
At present you are using them for your own financial benefit, they are doing you a massive favour. That said your points should absolutely be listened to and if not I think the only option is for you to move out

I think "other people" don't put themselves in this position in the first place.

You've taken on a house project and assumed you can stay with parents to save cash. You must have known what they were like but you have done it anyway.

Your options now are

1. put up with it as is the established pattern of behaviour - you as the "child".

OR start acting like an adult and
2) leave and take the financial hit
3) set your own boundaries - don't leave them with the toddler / dog etc.

You can't have it both ways, they are doing you a favour and helping you to save. Personally I think I would have to find somewhere to rent, even if it set me back financially.

OP you're really not listening to PPs. You're not going to get what you want. They have no boundaries and no amount of you telling them is going to change that.

So when you ask how do people cope? They either put up with it or they move out. Given the way they treat the baby I'd be going for the latter, but if you're really determined not to (if you wanted to you'd find a way) then yes you have to put up with it.

You said in your OP that we save for our house - should be ready by April/may next year. But later you've admitted that you haven't even found somewhere yet and talked about if things are the same in summer.

You're clearly an optimist. But you need to absorb a healthy dose of realism here.

The coldsore thing is particularly disgusting and irresponsible. I'd move out