AMA im a perfectionist

[Perfectionisttt]

This might be the most boring and dull AMA ever but I’ve seen similar before and just thought I’d give it a go!

i’ve been quite an extreme perfectionist since I was a young child and unfortunately still am to this day. Just wondered if anyone had any questions or things they wondered about perfectionism or anything like that?

cheers 🙂

Oh, the irony about making a thread being a perfectionist and then accidentally posting on the wrong board!🤦🏼‍♀️ I’ll have it changed over, apologies!

In what was does it affect your relationships?

Come on, you know the first question is going to mention the apostrophe

Wrong board, poor grammar. You might be the world’s worst perfectionist!

Do you think it's a control issue?

Are you autistic or something like that?
In what way(s) are you a perfectionist and does it come easily? Are you a natural planner?

What is your definition of a perfectionist?

it definitely caused problems as a teenager and young adult. I was so obsessed with certain aspects of my life being perfect that I completely lost track of other areas. For example, I lost many friends over the years because I was utterly consumed by studying and completely distanced myself from them. I’ve had to make a conscious effort to maintain relationships because I get so overly consumed by whatever I’m focused on at the time. It also caused problems because it made me accidentally behave like an asshole- eg, me being completely devastated at getting 99% which was genuine upset from me, but in front of friends who got 75% is obviously extremely insensitive and definitely put a lot of people off me, which is my own fault for not realising how insensitive i was being x

I’m not a perfectionist, but I would have to go back and edit what you’ve typed before pressing post… 😬.

I mean, that’s quite nasty considering I’ve already addressed that in my first comment!

i didn’t think a true perfectionist would think that they are a perfectionist.
I was often told by other people I was one but I thought I was chaotic and not good enough

im a perfectionist

No, no you're not.

Does this cause issues for you? Does it feel like it ever verges into obsessive/compulsive behaviours?

I think I’m a perfectionist and it has caused me to self-sabotage on many occasions- because if I can’t do something perfectly, then why bother?

Also, my perfectionism is selective- I can be really slapdash about some things but ridiculously exacting over small things. It can take me ages to write a shopping list for example, because if it looks messy, I have to start again. Not sure if that is perfectionism or something else though.

Be interesting to hear what forms your perfectionism takes and how it impacts your life.

That’s sort of the thing about perfectionism that not everyone realises- it doesn’t mean you’re a perfectionist in all areas of life. But the things you focus on become hyperfixations. I don’t care if my spelling is poor or my grammar is poor because that’s not really a fixation for me. But in other things I would genuinely have a break down if I made a mistake.

as a teenager I was shit at sports- I didn’t care about being perfect at that. I was last in a race at sports day and wasn’t bothered. But the following week I tried to commit suicide when I got 96% in a maths test.

I think there’s sort of a myth that perfectionists are obsessed with everything being perfect but that’s not usually the case, according to my therapist anyway x

Does being a perfectionist mean that you are less successful than you would be if you weren't. As I imagine your output might be limited by the need for perfection. Do your friends and family find this trait off putting?

Yeah, it 100% is.

i didn’t appreciate it when I was younger but with hindsight it absolutely is. I had a horrific childhood and the only areas of my life I could control were my weight, my school results and a few other similar things like that. They brought me some small joy and then as I became older became obsessions as it was some control I could have in my life

I don’t know, I’ve never had an assessment and I don’t really show any typical traits but I’m not sure.

I’m definitely driven by anxiety and OCD to be honest. As a child, I could control very little and getting good grades seemed a good way to get approval- I always thought if I did better next time, I would be happier and so on. But it became an obsession. Even as a young adult I was terrified of getting less than 100% in a test- I don’t know why, because by that point I knew nothing bad would happen, but it’s as if the connection in my brain is set in stone that I absolutely had to be perfect at everything

I better tell the therapists, psychologist and psychiatrist they’re all wrong then! It’s anxiety and OCD at the root of it but I was told I have a perfectionist personality type or something like that

Like I said, I better tell the therapists, psychologists and psychiatrists who helped me through it that I’m not a perfectionist, because AlanBrazil has said so 🙂

I am exactly the same OP. The way my need for perfectionism manifests is having to have my house immaculate, everything in it's place. I also had a terrible childhood, so I really empathise with you.

I wondered if your perfectionism stemmed from a similar place to mine. Sorry you had a bad time growing up. Do you think you will ever change or is this behaviour too ingrained now?

"perfectionist" doesn't feature on the DSM IV as far as I know and is not a clinical term. Not sure what the mental health professionals meant when they said that meant?

OCD is a known medical condition. have you been diagnosed with this?

I have to say I'm a little confused by your AMA

Yes, you summed it up brilliantly!!

in some areas, I don’t care if I’m perfect or not. But in other areas it’s a horrific obsession. I think it’s related to whatever I was good at as a child, because I had so little to control so they became obsessions and then the connection was just consolidated as I got older.

im NOT like this now thankfully, but as a teenager I was fuelled by anxiety to the extent I nearly ended my life. To me, getting 96% on a maths test meant I had failed, and I was worthless and useless and what the fuck was even the point in being alive? I took an overdose because I was so devastated and angry at myself.

obviously I’m NOT in that bad place now, I’ve since got better thankfully. But the perfectionism tendencies never leave you. I frequently self sabotage without realising it- as a young adult I didn’t turn up for a university test because I felt i wasn’t going to get 100% and it was better not to show up at all. I was heartbroken, genuinely heartbroken at getting a 2:1. I cried all night to the point my face was blistered raw. I have to physically work hard to remind myself that it’s ok not to be perfect otherwise my brain will spiral that it’s awful, I’m a terrible person and so on. I’m definitely better at it now with years of therapy behind me but it’s taken a lot of work

Yeah, absolutely. It’s not as bad now but as a child I would frequently self sabotage by not turning up or avoiding something rather than attending and getting 99% because to me that was awful. As an adult now, I can manage my expectations better but I’m extremely hard on myself at work- I would easily work all lunch and all night if I could just to make sure my work is perfect and I would never leave the office unless I physically forced myself to. It’s definitely better now but was worse as a teenager- i would regularly ghost people because I was studying for up to 15 hours straight so I ignored messages, plans and lost lots of friends which was my own fault, but I was just so obsessed with whatever I was fixated on being perfect

So sorry you’re the same 💐

I don’t think it will ever change, but I live along side it now and don’t let myself get wrapped up in it all. For example, if I were to get 99% now I would tell myself that I tried my best and it’s ok to be disappointed but MOVE ON, and I wouldn’t let myself spiral or get stuck in the cycle of im a failure, I’m worthless, I need to do better next time etc because that’s an awful path to go down x

What is it that confuses you?

yes, I’ve been diagnosed with OCD and anxiety. I was told by a psychiatrist he had never seen quite as strong perfectionism tendencies or something along those lines, and that it’s linked to OCD and childhood trauma etc. I could probably dig out my old letters from up in the attic