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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

If social contact results in higher longevity, what about introverts?

69 replies

malificent7 · 02/12/2023 12:13

Or those with toxic family?
Watching the blue zones with interest.
I am in awe of those people in the med socialising with generations of family.

I am in introvert with. difficult family. Luckily I have a lovely dh and I do have great colleagues atm. I love me time though.
Am i going to live a shorter life if I don't want to socialise as much and prefer distance from family?
In the past I had toxic friends, does socialising with them shorten life!?

OP posts:
Leafysuburb · 02/12/2023 14:21

Introversion doesn't mean you don't like socializing it just means you might prefer a wine on the sofa with 1-2 people rather than a party with 150.

Gwenhwyfar · 02/12/2023 14:22

Draoicht · 02/12/2023 13:05

Mn misunderstands introversion as misanthropy. I am quite introverted — I
love socialising, my friendships are longterm and very important to me, and I’m always open to new ones, but I need a lot of solo downtime to recharge.

The Mn idea of extroversion as loud, bubbly talkative types always out on the town with a posse, and introverts as timid, shy, silent types who never leave the house is completely inaccurate. It’s perfectly possible to be an introvert and have good friendships and a social life.

I also learnt that an introvert can be sociable, but gets her energy from being alone.

However, looking at social media during Covid made me realise that some people who self-identify as introverts actually are very isolated and some are misanthropic. People who preferred lockdown, for example. It's much more than just where you get your energy for those people.

Thepeopleversuswork · 02/12/2023 14:24

@ilovesooty

The focus on being an introvert and conflating that with aversion to other people is, I suspect, more evident on Mumsnet than in wider life.

Yep. Very frustrating that "introvert" is increasingly misused as a way to rebrand what is actually "anxious, isolated and misanthropic".

Hating people and never wanting to leave your home is not being an introvert. If I were an introvert I would find this incredibly insulting.

Gallowayan · 02/12/2023 14:28

I think the level of social contact and involvement would have to be much lower than yours for this to be a health issue. You would be looking at someone who lived alone didn't work or have collegues or have any social life. And more importantly they would be lonely and unhappy with their situation.

Ginmonkeyagain · 02/12/2023 14:40

I'm an introvert. I am very confident socially and have a wide circle of friends.

I just need alone time to recharge. The hardest time was lockdown where Mr Monkey, an extrovert, wasn't working and I was. I had relentleas long says of back to back Teams calls in the early days and then he would want to go on long chatty walks in the evening.

I am ashamed to say one evening I actually ran out of the house to avoid having to talk to him before I got chance to decompress.

lesdeluges · 02/12/2023 14:42

Gallowayan · 02/12/2023 14:28

I think the level of social contact and involvement would have to be much lower than yours for this to be a health issue. You would be looking at someone who lived alone didn't work or have collegues or have any social life. And more importantly they would be lonely and unhappy with their situation.

I agree with this. It is not being alone and enjoying your own company that may be an issue, it's whether or not you feel unhappy and lonely as a result.

If you don't mind being alone, and are not a social animal at all, (like the great uncle I mentioned above), then that way of living will make you happy, not what the experts say you should do.

mantyzer · 02/12/2023 14:48

I don't think everyone on this thread understands how socially isolated many people are. Its the people who post here saying that for the two weeks over Christmas holidays they will see no one and talk to no one, that this research is about. Because that level of social isolation is manageable when someone is working, but when they retire it is unhealthy. It is social isolation that is unhealthy.

There is lots of research that people can have friends and family but feel lonely, but here work to change peoples mindset so they appreciate the social contact they do have can be successful.

Also having someone who cares about you enough to nag you to see the Dr about that funny looking mole, or to help you when you are ill, makes a difference to longevity. As you get older, especially if you already have medical conditions, then it can become easy to ignore new or worsening symptoms.

Wherethewildthymeblows · 02/12/2023 14:52

Obviously other factors are at play but, in the case of my immediate family, I have noticed that the more outgoing of each set of grandparents and my own parents outlived their less outgoing partner. It has long fascinated me and it does not surprise me that extroversion might be influential.

iloveeverykindofcat · 02/12/2023 15:11

@ilovesooty absolutely. Introversion isn't misanthropy. I'm definitely an introvert and I mostly like and enjoy being with people. I just need recharge time alone.

Challengemonica · 02/12/2023 17:16

Absolutely Mantyzer. I have been socially isolated in exactly the way you describe - the worst thing was knowing that no-one would have noticed if I'd gone missing or died - literally no-one. Now I have a family and often crave peace and quiet, getting it is bliss. The two are not comparable.

Gwenhwyfar · 02/12/2023 18:05

Thepeopleversuswork · 02/12/2023 14:24

@ilovesooty

The focus on being an introvert and conflating that with aversion to other people is, I suspect, more evident on Mumsnet than in wider life.

Yep. Very frustrating that "introvert" is increasingly misused as a way to rebrand what is actually "anxious, isolated and misanthropic".

Hating people and never wanting to leave your home is not being an introvert. If I were an introvert I would find this incredibly insulting.

It's all over Twitter as well from the 'introverts' themselves.

Gwenhwyfar · 02/12/2023 18:08

Treaclesandwich · 02/12/2023 14:02

Being an introvert doesn’t mean you’re a hermit.

I’m an introvert. I have plenty of friends and socialise regularly. I just need to recharge with some alone time.

There are different types of introverts. Some of them really do just want to stay at home alone all the time.

Draoicht · 02/12/2023 18:09

mantyzer · 02/12/2023 14:48

I don't think everyone on this thread understands how socially isolated many people are. Its the people who post here saying that for the two weeks over Christmas holidays they will see no one and talk to no one, that this research is about. Because that level of social isolation is manageable when someone is working, but when they retire it is unhealthy. It is social isolation that is unhealthy.

There is lots of research that people can have friends and family but feel lonely, but here work to change peoples mindset so they appreciate the social contact they do have can be successful.

Also having someone who cares about you enough to nag you to see the Dr about that funny looking mole, or to help you when you are ill, makes a difference to longevity. As you get older, especially if you already have medical conditions, then it can become easy to ignore new or worsening symptoms.

But that’s isolation, and nothing to do with introversion, which is what the OP raised. I agree with you, but Mn is annoyingly resistant to not throwing around the term ‘introvert’ as a synonym for ‘socially anxious’, ‘withdrawn’, ‘misanthropic” etc.

Gwenhwyfar · 02/12/2023 18:12

"But that’s isolation, and nothing to do with introversion"

Well, it depends. It could be that being introverted is more likely to lead to you being isolated once you retire.

StoneTheCrone · 02/12/2023 18:22

CranfordScones · 02/12/2023 13:37

I suspect introverts are less affected by the negative effects of isolation. It hits hardest on those that crave company. I think you saw that a lot in lockdown.

I agree completely.

I'm an introvert and middle aged and have lived alone since i was 30.

I loved lockdown. The isolation didnt bother me at all. I could skype family and friends, potter around the garden, go for walks, read, paint - bliss!

Hbh17 · 02/12/2023 18:24

As an introvert, I'd be happy to kick the bucket at any point and then I never have to worry about other people EVER again. What a great result! Living to be 70 or 80 plus would be my idea of hell, so any time in the next 10 years will be fine.

Allfur · 02/12/2023 18:38

How old are you now?

Thepeopleversuswork · 02/12/2023 18:49

@Gwenhwyfar

There are different types of introverts. Some of them really do just want to stay at home alone all the time.

Those people who want to stay at home alone all the time may be introverts but that's not the primary cause of that behaviour. That's misanthropy and social anxiety, not introversion. There have always been people like this but now it's more socially acceptable to be an introvert they are rushing onto that bandwagon because it provides air cover for this behaviour.

Introversion is a character trait which people can't help. And many introverts are very happy in their own skin and more power to them.

Banging on and on about how much you hate people and how much you loved being locked in your home for months on the internet to anyone who will listen and trying to turn it into a badge of honour isn't being an introvert, its just being a sociopathic whinger. And don't get me started on those "it's too peopley out there" memes/t-shirts/mugs. We'll look back at those in decades to come and see those as a particular low for our society.

Draoicht · 02/12/2023 18:55

Agreed, @Thepeopleversuswork.

Gwenhwyfar · 02/12/2023 19:00

" We'll look back at those in decades to come and see those as a particular low for our society."

You might be right, but I do think it's partly a response to how extroverts have been lauded for the last few decades.

Gwenhwyfar · 02/12/2023 19:01

Hbh17 · 02/12/2023 18:24

As an introvert, I'd be happy to kick the bucket at any point and then I never have to worry about other people EVER again. What a great result! Living to be 70 or 80 plus would be my idea of hell, so any time in the next 10 years will be fine.

Introverted or depressed? Your attitude doesn't sound healthy.

Badbadbunny · 02/12/2023 19:07

Dilbertian · 02/12/2023 12:22

An introvert can still enjoy social contact and get all the benefits she needs from it - but social contact on the level that is satisfying for her.

Social contact does not have to be raucous fun and massive chitchat. Even sitting in contented, companionable silence is social contact.

I fully agree! I think there's too much of an assumption that social contact has to be loud, exciting, etc and I think that's what puts a lot of "quieter" people off doing things and going places, and that expectation seems to get worse over time.

All you need to do is look at TV game shows. If you watch the Bullseye from the 80s, most of the contestants are "quiet" yet watch a modern game show and they're all loud, bright, attention seeking types.

Thepeopleversuswork · 02/12/2023 19:27

Gwenhwyfar · 02/12/2023 19:00

" We'll look back at those in decades to come and see those as a particular low for our society."

You might be right, but I do think it's partly a response to how extroverts have been lauded for the last few decades.

See I take issue with this: this is the prevailing narrative but I just don't buy this story. I think it's a grotesque oversimplification and a mislabelling of what's happening.

Confident people (not necessarily extroverts) have an evolutionary advantage. In the days of hunter gathering and in early human history these were the people who became leaders and told people what to do and over time those traits have tended to be plentiful in people who lead. These are people with authority, but not all of them are extroverts. It's true that extroverts sometimes have a superficial advantage in social situations because this is their natural environment but they are not necessarily leaders or in control. Often they are social butterflies and quite a lot of them are massive people pleasers. They frequently are the people who you notice first in a group but by no means always the ones with the most authority. (A lot of really extrovert people I know are alcoholics, btw).

Introverts (as others have pointed out) can sometimes be shy and uncomfortable but more often they are people with inner confidence who just need time out from social situations to be themselves.

For complex social reasons in recent years (and I'll leave COVID but that was a huge trigger) a disparate group of people who don't feel they fit in have rebranded themselves as "introverts" (largely inaccurately), because they think it makes them sound more interesting/deep. I presume because it makes them feel they now have a "tribe". It's become cool.

And like all tribes, you have to define yourself by finding an "other" (in this case "extroverts" (who usually aren't extroverts either) so they spend a lot of time talking about how they've all been sold down the river by dreaded "extroverts" because society has ganged up on them. I've read thread after thread with people calling themselves "introverts" and by and large they are not: they are people who are shy/anxious/pissed off/grumpy who think being an "introvert" sounds more interesting.

I think most of this is just people with a chip on their shoulder, grasping at straws. Of course the world is easier for the confident: this is hardly news. But the binary distinction between "introverts" and "extroverts" as if there were some conspiracy against quiet and contemplative people seems really paranoid. And it worries me a bit because I hear people on here and IRL talking about their "introversion" in the language of the radicalised. It's fine to be quiet or withdrawn but talking about yourself as if you are some oppressed ethnic group is a bit nuts.

And btw I'm kind of an ambivert. I have both introvert and extrovert tendencies.

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 02/12/2023 19:31

I have no family, other than an exDH, I only work in a casual role now, and I live alone. However, every day I go out walking and at some stage interact with someone on that walk, even if just to say Hi, or I talk to people in shops. I also take an interest in what is happening in my town. I don't have lots of friends locally, but do catch up with people for coffee or lunch. That, to me, is social contact, and I would hate to be without it, but I have never felt it necessary to be constantly with other people. I am far more happy and content than many people and think that is more likely to result in higher longevity than being a social butterfly.

Btw, what makes you think introverts = hermits?

Fairyliz · 02/12/2023 19:31

I would take this ‘research’ with a pinch of salt.
I’m in my sixties and over the years I have heard so many things that are supposed to be good/bad for you. The thing is they often change from one to another and then back again.
Im convinced it’s mainly genes that determine how long you will last.

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