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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Convenience friends - not always obvious and getting hurt…

37 replies

Dolphinintheriver · 02/12/2023 10:33

It’s hard to always know whether you are a convenience friend! AIBU or not!
NC as it’s bit vulnerable.

I seem to often misjudge friendships, or not notice that they’ve downgraded due to life circumstances…. and get really hurt, or realise I’ve too much energy or money/time into the friendship.

Is this what everyone experiences… or if it isn’t - what are the flags for you that a friendship has changed or isn’t genuinely close, even if the person acts like it when you see them?

I totally get the obvious 'convenient friends' - e.g. local parent friends we only see in certain routines and old school and uni friends I see in a group etc… and I’ve got a best friend I feel clear about.

Where I get confused is where we’re things seem deeper and we’re in a regular 1:1 relationship over a long period and where there seems to be more affection and genuine sharing - eg

A few local parent friends I thought we were close to and had known a few years, have kind of slowly phased us out as they met new folks starting school

And a couple other pre-kids single friends I still counted as inner circle and have spent £’00s on babysitting to catch up properly with… didn’t invite me to their bday dinners recently which I was absolutely gutted about and kind of embarrassed to be honest! At the same time, one of them still calls me regularly and shares her problems! They weren’t even that apologetic about not inviting me - just explained limits on numbers etc. This has been a bit of a wake-up call for me!

Please go easy on me - I’m neurodivergent, and I’m fairly trusting (ahem naive), and possibly also value different things in friendship which is where the confusion arises. Advice welcome from all ND and NT alike though!!

OP posts:
Benibidibici · 02/12/2023 10:36

I sort of assume any/all friends are quite transient until ive had a friendship with someone more than about 10 years, after which time i find it doesn't really matter if things wax and wane, you seem to to stay close regardless.

blossomtree323 · 02/12/2023 10:53

What I find helpful in these type of situations is that actions speak louder than words. So if a friend in person says all the right things, but is never available, or everything seems very one sided ie your always offering support but don’t receive any yourself and this is consistent behaviour then may indicate you value them more than they value you.
Say with the babysitting do you offer to do it or did they ask? Sometimes if you offer to babysit a couple of times, some people might think you always up for doing this and in their mind relegated you to’ the friend who helps babysit’ and not some one who they invite to big birthdays.
It’s always hurtful when you realise you value some one more than they value you and sometimes there’s not a lot you can do about it. It can be difficult to navigate friendships cos you can only control what you do and not others.

Original poster
Dolphinintheriver · 02/12/2023 11:10

These are both really helpful! Thanks.
Especially actions speaking louder than words… I think I’m falling down there.

With babysitting - I meant spending money on babysitting so I could catch up with folks for dinner minus-kids…. Partly for me, but partly to try and maintain some of the friendship context from pre kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dolphinintheriver · 02/12/2023 11:17

I think everything you’ve said resonates tho Blossomtree323. I pay for babysitting and travel to see folks for a meal out. This is kind of one-sided still - they could be travelling to me and join us for a roast dinner etc - but I’ve probably been in denial!!!

OP posts:
CreationNat1on · 02/12/2023 11:24

Spending money on babysitters is your choice and part of being a parent that socialises, you didn't pay it out for their sakes, you paid for it for your sake. Similar to getting a taxi to the venue, it's just a consequence of getting out and nothing that they have to consider at all.

I think if you mentioned this to them, it might be a reason to not invite you, as there is a pressure involved in inviting someone who has a high maintenance life, and maybe expects more in return for the expense of their night out.

I think friends groups are harder to manage as we get older, people have different priorities. Stay light and available, the friendships will ebb and flow.

CreationNat1on · 02/12/2023 11:26

Having roast family dinners is not really a barrel of laughs for childless people, I think your expectations about them making allowances for your parenting responsibilities /expenses, is the problem.

CreationNat1on · 02/12/2023 11:27

Are they single, do they want a different type of night out to you?

MereDintofPandiculation · 02/12/2023 11:34

People’s needs change. So a friend with whom I exchanged emails several pages long every day, I now once or twice a year exchange a comment on facebook.

Accept it’s going to happen, realise you have to keep making new friends to replace the ones who drift away, and take active steps to do this, by going to places where you’ll meet people with similar interests, and get involved. I sit on a lot of committees Grin

Once there’s a trickle of new people into your friendship group, it’s easier to bear with equanimity a trickle out.

Original poster
Dolphinintheriver · 02/12/2023 12:00

Hello CreationNat1on
no I didn’t mention my babysitting expenses - or invite them to a roast.
I’ve continued socialising on our old terms - which I guess is now more their terms on reflection. My friends aren’t into clubbing - more dinners.
id love to stay light and available but cost of living means I can’t afford babysitting more than once a month
I guess what I was saying is that I’d love to hear red flags from others so that I don’t invest so much in keeping up with folks that didn’t value me.

OP posts:
Kleptronic · 02/12/2023 12:17

Yes I do this. I've a friendship going on for 2 decades. I misread what the friendship meant to them and was very hurt recently. I'm not neurodivergent either, just got it wrong. So confusing when you see people all the time, really esteem the friendship as important and primary and yet you're in a hierarchy you don't understand!

No tips sorry, just solidarity.

MaturingCheeseball · 02/12/2023 12:25

It is hard and, as you say, a bit embarrassing. Some years ago I had a very good friend - we shared a lot, knew each other’s families, holidayed together etc. I went to see her new flat and she had a (naff) photo frame with “The women in my life” on it. There were eight slots and I had not made the cut! I actually felt a bit tearful and drew right back after that.

LittleMissSunshiner · 02/12/2023 12:34

I'm also ND and like to get to know people slowly and consistently over time - likewise I am a consistent and stable friend, you don't get one version of me one day and a different version another, I'm not flighty and changes in my circumstances don't mean I think differently of my friends (ie Oh they're no longer round the corner so they're not convenient).

A lot of people / most don't operate the same way, they don't need a stable structure and the level of 'sameness' and consistency. They flow through friends, often quite insincerely and 'gamey', getting their relevant needs met at the time and then moving on, likewise the other people involved doing the same and nobody seems to care or get hurt. They also seem to be quite excited to be off to the next thing, next set of people, next circumstances, whereas I prefer familiarity and buildings of understanding and communication.

I dunno, it feels hurtful, but try not to take it personally and also try to be the friend you want to have to others.

LittleMissSunshiner · 02/12/2023 12:35

MaturingCheeseball · 02/12/2023 12:25

It is hard and, as you say, a bit embarrassing. Some years ago I had a very good friend - we shared a lot, knew each other’s families, holidayed together etc. I went to see her new flat and she had a (naff) photo frame with “The women in my life” on it. There were eight slots and I had not made the cut! I actually felt a bit tearful and drew right back after that.

Wow that's really hurtful. Do you know who the other women were? Just other friends? :(

I think in the here and now, I might try to be brave enough and say hey am I not a woman in your life?

Amazedtobesane · 02/12/2023 12:37

I figured it out when someone I had thought of as a close friend invited a group of other friends round for a Lebanese feast, but not me and OH, and then, the following day, asked us over to the eat the left overs. We declined and things slid from there.

slumberlogmillionaire · 02/12/2023 12:55

I think most friendships are transient although that doesn't mean they are bad. Close, life long friends are extremely rare in my experience.

People also have different friendship styles so one person will have a lot of friends they keep up with on a casual basis while other people might only have a couple of close friends they invest a lot into. I fall into the latter camp and sometimes coming up against the first kind of person it can be like a clash of styles and I suppose I used to be confused by it. These days I am more relaxed and try to go with the flow and it it as it comes although that can sometimes lead to no flow at all!

slumberlogmillionaire · 02/12/2023 12:57

Amazedtobesane · 02/12/2023 12:37

I figured it out when someone I had thought of as a close friend invited a group of other friends round for a Lebanese feast, but not me and OH, and then, the following day, asked us over to the eat the left overs. We declined and things slid from there.

This has happened to us, the issue is we just don't fit in with their other friends who are more middle class while we are from working class backgrounds, I don't think they were ashamed of us we just don't quite fit in with the vibe they aspire to.

Newgirls · 02/12/2023 12:58

I think this is normal. Friends come and go as relevance in daily life shifts around. Enjoy the encounters as they come. Allow new people in and let others come and go. Adding too much weight and making people ‘best’ friends is a bit contrived as they will have other people who are important too.

Amazedtobesane · 02/12/2023 13:08

slumberlogmillionaire · 02/12/2023 12:57

This has happened to us, the issue is we just don't fit in with their other friends who are more middle class while we are from working class backgrounds, I don't think they were ashamed of us we just don't quite fit in with the vibe they aspire to.

Show quote history

Doesn't feel good, does it? Do you still see them?

With us, we're middle class, though a bit earthy, and we don't aspire to be better than we are. It felt like we weren't thought good enough for the wider company, who we'd spent weekends with before. Rather, we felt looked down on, which has no place in a friendship.

Abitofalark · 02/12/2023 13:11

People do change sometimes but it still stings when a person you thought of as a constant friend tells you about a limit on numbers. If you thought you were one of the hallowed number you can't help but feel relegated to a lower order of friendship and wonder if there is more to it.

OutlandInland · 02/12/2023 13:28

I tend to think of friends in categories -

Good time friends
These love to be out and will socialise with everyone. They'll go on holiday with you, have good times, share their lives, but they're only there for good times. They'll distance themselves when your life is tough. I have one longtime friend like this - I accept it is what it is but no longer share a lot of myself. If I want a night out or trip away I know they'll be game but I also know we're not that close really.

Bad time friends
Sometimes known as ambulance chasers. They appear when you're having a tough time. They get the deepest darkest details from you and then piss off afterwards. Avoid like the plague!!

All time friends
There long time and there for all times. These are friends I have had for decades. These are the only ones I truly trust. Sometimes life gets in the way but I know they'll be there for me if needed.

OutlandInland · 02/12/2023 13:28

They're

KirriIrry · 02/12/2023 13:38

I think sometimes there’s a logic to this and it’s only a problem if you aren’t aware of it.
I am not massively sociable, i have a few close friends and I am perfectly happy in my own company. If I had a friend who was very sociable, with lots of people in their life, then it stands to reason that I would almost certainly value the friendship more than they did. In fact, it’s often the case. And that’s fine - so long as I recognise that.

Cellotapedispenser · 02/12/2023 13:51

To the pp who mentioned the photo frame that was a wake up call for me too. I had a picture wall with framed pictures of loads of my friends with us over the years but slowly realised when I visited their houses that I wasn't in their selected display photos on pin boards or the fridge. Came home one day after one such visit and removed all of mine and replaced with a painting I love. They are still fiends mostly, but now I accept I'm on the periphery and don't expect too much or over share.

slumberlogmillionaire · 02/12/2023 18:44

@Amazedtobesane It was a kind of hurtful but not unexpected. I think in lots of ways they felt more at ease with us but for many friendships are aspirational while I just looks for someone I can connect with. It was really the husband and I who were close friends when we were younger and I'm still trying to figure out if we are still friends, I haven't seen him in a long time now but will perhaps drop him an email soon and see if the friendship still has legs but it will be my last attempt if I do.

autienotnaughty · 02/12/2023 21:05

I have asd and I find this. I actually had a best friend for twenty plus years and assumed people stayed friends unless they fell out. But yes I've had friends who once life circumstances changed no longer bothered. It's like I was good enough to fill a gap.

Lockdown helped me understand better , I realised. I was checking with people who were not bothering to check in with me. I stopped contacting quite a few people and heard nothing. I don't bother these days unless people are willing to make effort back.