Convenience friends - not always obvious and getting hurt…

[Dolphinintheriver]

It’s hard to always know whether you are a convenience friend! AIBU or not!
NC as it’s bit vulnerable.

I seem to often misjudge friendships, or not notice that they’ve downgraded due to life circumstances…. and get really hurt, or realise I’ve too much energy or money/time into the friendship.

Is this what everyone experiences… or if it isn’t - what are the flags for you that a friendship has changed or isn’t genuinely close, even if the person acts like it when you see them?

I totally get the obvious 'convenient friends' - e.g. local parent friends we only see in certain routines and old school and uni friends I see in a group etc… and I’ve got a best friend I feel clear about.

Where I get confused is where we’re things seem deeper and we’re in a regular 1:1 relationship over a long period and where there seems to be more affection and genuine sharing - eg

A few local parent friends I thought we were close to and had known a few years, have kind of slowly phased us out as they met new folks starting school

And a couple other pre-kids single friends I still counted as inner circle and have spent £’00s on babysitting to catch up properly with… didn’t invite me to their bday dinners recently which I was absolutely gutted about and kind of embarrassed to be honest! At the same time, one of them still calls me regularly and shares her problems! They weren’t even that apologetic about not inviting me - just explained limits on numbers etc. This has been a bit of a wake-up call for me!

Please go easy on me - I’m neurodivergent, and I’m fairly trusting (ahem naive), and possibly also value different things in friendship which is where the confusion arises. Advice welcome from all ND and NT alike though!!

Someone who calls regularly to share THEIR problems and little else is a huge red flag.

Real friends do not do this.
Users do.

Stop answering the phone to her.
No need for an explanation.

Just stop answering the phone to her.

If she texts, leave it days to answer and be short and to the point.

She is not your friend.
You are simply free therapy.

Cut her therapy off.

Ask yourself is the relationship even-sided?

If the answer is no, then massively pull back.

You are only wasting YOUR time if you don't.

Gulp! I had no idea being 'a friend in need is a friend indeed' was avoid worthy 😭

I think most friendships are transient although that doesn't mean they are bad. Close, life long friends are extremely rare in my experience
Agree with this.People have different seasons in life and friendships reflect that.

Obviously I'm not excusing rude or unpleasant behaviour, but it makes sense that some friendships change over time.

Op I've been through similar in recent years and initially it hurt but actually now I'm glad it's happened because I'm no longer giving time to friendships that are not truly two sided. I can now spend time with my kids and husband who need me and also on myself. I still have a couple of old long standing friendships and a couple of newish ones that continue nicely. I look back and realise that some of the friendships I thought were halfway decent at the time were just situational and I do think that most friendships we have will be situational.

I think you have to accept that convenience is inevitably going to be a factor in the endurance of many friendships. The friends I have now are those who are fairly nearby, kids similar age and go to a lot of the same places.

The fact that we work well as a group also really helps. I think this is quite personal, I'd really struggle to maintain a dozen individual friendships without at least some overlap, others prefer to keep separate friends. Some people really prefer groups and it can lead to them drifting from a friend that doesn't fit in a group even if the friend's not done anything wrong.

The red flag I'd be aware of is things being really uneven in how much effort you make and how you prioritise each other. I also think someone who doesn't include you and yet still feels entitled to dump their troubles on to you is a loser.

Gulp! I had no idea being 'a friend in need is a friend indeed' was avoid worthy 😭
Some friends will come in when you’re in a dark place, the problem is they want to keep you there and will buggar off as soon as you start taking steps to move out of your situation.

I am often the “convenience friend” when life gets hard for people. Like if they are going through a marriage break up or having problems at work. As soon as their issues resolve? Off they run. I am used to it now to be honest.

On being a convenience friend, with the one who didn't invite us to their dinner party, but then offered us left-overs, they moved to another area and our main contact was phone catch-ups. What generally happened was that he'd start the conversation - his job, his son's jobs, their promotions, the family holidays etc.. I started waiting to see how it took him to say 'So, how are you?' and the average was 45 minutes. Yes, I could have butted in with our news but just wanted to see how long it took him to ask. At the point where he'd ask me how I was, he usually got a nudge from his wife about walking the dog or what have you and at that point I realised the convenience was all on his side.

I am going through this right now. I have always had lots of ‘all your life friends’ - I love people and socialising but also deep heart to hearts about life, I hope I’m both a good- and bad-times friend. Friends are super important to me.

I moved home to my very sociable and quite affluent home town over six years ago, and it often feels like people are in a social whirl, but without me! Somehow I have become a ‘peripheral person’.

Last week a mum called me over to chat to me at the school gate and promptly told me ALLL about an amazing night out (ticketed event) she’d been too, danced all night etc. I smiled through gritted teeth, as a couple of days before another mum had suggested a coffee then told me alllll about the same event to which she had organised a party of 30 to go to, ANOTHER mum stopped me at the car and told me she also was going, all the way through I was smiling through gritted teeth and saying wow, that sounds so fun for you guys, thinking WHY DID NO ONE INVITE ME?!

A lot of people still hang out with groups formed in school days. That’s fine. I have my own school friends from another town, but they rarely go out (health problems/caring responsibilities/exhausted from work) apart from two who organise things together with some ancillary friends but never invite us. One of these 1) was my bridesmaid 2) i was hers 3) am her child’s godparent 4) she is my child’s godparent. I have finally realised that she has ghosted me and I have no clue at all why. She begrudgingly gets our kids together (but has recently been suggesting that she just take out the one of mine closest in age to her own and for none of the rest of me or my family come, not even her godchild - like to Christmas events and the like! As though we’re just convenient to provide a chum for her child). I have NO clue what I’ve done. I have to see her next week for the first time in months in the full knowledge that somewhere along the way I just became so annoying she can’t bear to be around me.

I don’t know, OP. It feels like everyone around me is in a social seventh heaven. I am well liked these days, but not apparently enough. One gang’s solid group of old friends is another person’s impregnable clique.

Sorry to hear that backonthemerrygoround that sounds really annoying re the event and also challenging generally. It must be difficult to move back somewhere you felt you belonged and then feel like you’re peripheral. Thanks for sharing x

Thank you everyone for your posts and sorry for the delay - we got struck down by a bug here (but that’s normal parent winters huh?).
I honestly found the replies so thought-provoking and I’ve re-read a few times and I’m still digesting. Thanks for sharing some similar stories too and sending virtual care your way.
good luck everyone navigating this maze of adult friendship and family life xx

Yes not nice op. Had something lately with a cousin. Big interest in my daughters exam results. I felt like saying i havent heard from u in 2 yrs.!! People def use you. Its the hurt feeling of it all. Friends being flaky too.