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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider leaving over snoring?

70 replies

Moooonpig · 02/12/2023 09:06

It's not the only reason, but a large one. I know he isn't snoring on purpose and he can't help it, but it's the reluctance to do anything about it. I've asked him for 3 years to see a GP, but for whatever reason he never gets round to it.
After a particularly bad night I insisted we go to the chemist, he bought some nose strips but has never used them.
It's not the actual snoring as I say, it's the refusal to do anything about it.
After he's been drinking it's even worse. I use earplugs and they muffle the sound, but don't block it out completely.
He's away with friends ATM and it was so quiet and peaceful last night. We have a twat neighbour who decided to sing loudly at 5:30am but that's another story.
The only thing I can think of is spare bedrooms permanently. I've told him to at least sleep on the sofa, but he doesn't want to do it permanently and nor do I, and he often forgets and still gets into bed.
Occasionally I get a full night's sleep, but I can't remember the last night I wasn't disturbed by it, even if only for 10 minutes.
I know women can snore too, but I feel like on the whole it's largely something that women are expected to put up with from men.
We don't need a 2 bed property, and I'm reluctant to have to pay higher rent and bills because of this. Not sure what to do.

OP posts:
PTSDBarbiegirl · 02/12/2023 09:08

It's hellish, we have our own bedrooms, it's fantastic to be free of the problem!! If you can't get quality sleep you can't function. I'd rejig living space if possible, if you do love each other.

sugarandsweetener · 02/12/2023 09:09

It's not the only reason

what are the other reasons?

he is a heavy drinker i suspect?

sugarandsweetener · 02/12/2023 09:10

no spare bedroom?

Original poster
Moooonpig · 02/12/2023 09:10

It's going to cost more money to rent a 2 bed property, and tbh there's no guarantee he'll agree to spare rooms on a permanent basis, it does seem to be the common solution though. He's about a stone overweight and likes beer, but reluctant to make any changes (I know it's not always easy to find the willpower)

OP posts:
Original poster
Moooonpig · 02/12/2023 09:11

He's late 20s, I'd say he's out drinking about 2-3 times a week maybe? No idea what the average is for men of that age.

OP posts:
sugarandsweetener · 02/12/2023 09:14

late twenties?!! how long have you been married? i thought you were going to shin his sixties!

ALightOverThere · 02/12/2023 09:14

If you’d rather leave than find a flat with an extra bedroom, I suspect the other issues are substantial.

sugarandsweetener · 02/12/2023 09:14

what’s his lifestyle like? overweight?

sugarandsweetener · 02/12/2023 09:14

ALightOverThere · 02/12/2023 09:14

If you’d rather leave than find a flat with an extra bedroom, I suspect the other issues are substantial.

exactly

sugarandsweetener · 02/12/2023 09:15

Moooonpig · 02/12/2023 09:10

It's going to cost more money to rent a 2 bed property, and tbh there's no guarantee he'll agree to spare rooms on a permanent basis, it does seem to be the common solution though. He's about a stone overweight and likes beer, but reluctant to make any changes (I know it's not always easy to find the willpower)

just seen this

in your twenties, hardly married for long /‘d thinking divorce already - it’s a much much more serious issue than snoring

Original poster
Moooonpig · 02/12/2023 09:16

We aren't married or engaged yet, it's going to cost us more in rent and utilities to rent a larger place that we otherwise wouldn't need.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moooonpig · 02/12/2023 09:17

And he will not agree to two separate bedrooms permanently, I've already suggested it and he got upset, so just not sure tbh.

OP posts:
twilightcafe · 02/12/2023 09:19

Separate bedrooms or you separate as a couple.
That's your choice. If he's snoring like this now in his twenties Confused then God help you in later years.

whogivesacarrot · 02/12/2023 09:19

What do you mean he won’t agree?
its not just his decision

don’t waste any more time with him just read a few threads on here to see where you’ll be in a few years time if you stay with someone like this

Aquamarine1029 · 02/12/2023 09:20

It's not about the snoring, though. It's about his lack of consideration, his lack of concern for your well-being, and his blatant selfishness. He can't even be bothered to at least try nose strips? Come the fuck on.

You deserve far better than this.

sugarandsweetener · 02/12/2023 09:20

it’s dead in the water op

Birdcar · 02/12/2023 09:20

I agree with you - it's not the snoring, its the refusal to do anything about it.

By his actions he's telling you that your welfare and comfort is less important than his. Is that a situation that you can live with?

Wildhorses2244 · 02/12/2023 09:21

I think its ok to spend more on rent and utilities to ensure that you get a good nights sleep.

But in your position I’d also be worried that his lack of action over this shows a wider lack of concern for your well-being. He’s not taking any action because it’s not affecting him.

Have you tried waking him consistently every single time that he disturbs you?

theconfidenceofwho · 02/12/2023 09:21

Aquamarine1029 · 02/12/2023 09:20

It's not about the snoring, though. It's about his lack of consideration, his lack of concern for your well-being, and his blatant selfishness. He can't even be bothered to at least try nose strips? Come the fuck on.

You deserve far better than this.

This!

He doesn't care for your wellbeing and thats not something that improves over time.

Ace56 · 02/12/2023 09:22

I agree with pp, it’s not his decision whether you sleep in 2 bedrooms or not. Your quality of life is being affected through lack of sleep. You need to tell him either you get a 2 bed place or the relationship is over…

Goodornot · 02/12/2023 09:22

You're 20s, not married, no kids, no mortgage together.

Just leave. It isn't as if you're 45 heavily mortgaged with 4 kids.

You're young enough to start again so do it.

Original poster
Moooonpig · 02/12/2023 09:22

He tried them once and said they didn't work. After a particularly awful night a few weeks ago I told him that if it didn't get sorted I'd be renting a room elsewhere, I know I shouldn't have said that but sleep deprivation when you've got to be up at 6 for work is horrible.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 02/12/2023 09:24

Moooonpig · 02/12/2023 09:22

He tried them once and said they didn't work. After a particularly awful night a few weeks ago I told him that if it didn't get sorted I'd be renting a room elsewhere, I know I shouldn't have said that but sleep deprivation when you've got to be up at 6 for work is horrible.

Why shouldn't you have said you'd rent a room? You should have said goodbye. Honestly, op, you need to have a very hard think about why you're even with him.

Ace56 · 02/12/2023 09:25

Moooonpig · 02/12/2023 09:22

He tried them once and said they didn't work. After a particularly awful night a few weeks ago I told him that if it didn't get sorted I'd be renting a room elsewhere, I know I shouldn't have said that but sleep deprivation when you've got to be up at 6 for work is horrible.

What do you mean you ‘shouldn’t have said that’? You absolutely should have!

He needs to be told in no uncertain terms that this is a major issue for you and that you’re nearly at breaking point. Stop pussyfooting around him.

CalistoNoSolo · 02/12/2023 09:29

I had to put up with ex snoring for 15 years and it broke me and our relationship. My advice is to throw him back, the snoring won't get better, and it's not your job to fix him. If he can't be arsed to get help with something minor like this it should tell you all you need to know about how important you are to him.

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