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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider leaving over snoring?

70 replies

Moooonpig · 02/12/2023 09:06

It's not the only reason, but a large one. I know he isn't snoring on purpose and he can't help it, but it's the reluctance to do anything about it. I've asked him for 3 years to see a GP, but for whatever reason he never gets round to it.
After a particularly bad night I insisted we go to the chemist, he bought some nose strips but has never used them.
It's not the actual snoring as I say, it's the refusal to do anything about it.
After he's been drinking it's even worse. I use earplugs and they muffle the sound, but don't block it out completely.
He's away with friends ATM and it was so quiet and peaceful last night. We have a twat neighbour who decided to sing loudly at 5:30am but that's another story.
The only thing I can think of is spare bedrooms permanently. I've told him to at least sleep on the sofa, but he doesn't want to do it permanently and nor do I, and he often forgets and still gets into bed.
Occasionally I get a full night's sleep, but I can't remember the last night I wasn't disturbed by it, even if only for 10 minutes.
I know women can snore too, but I feel like on the whole it's largely something that women are expected to put up with from men.
We don't need a 2 bed property, and I'm reluctant to have to pay higher rent and bills because of this. Not sure what to do.

OP posts:
CrunchyCarrot · 02/12/2023 09:30

Goodness, OP. At this rate you could be 40-plus more years being sleep-deprived! I too thought you were going to say you'd been married for 20 years!

Honestly if your partner is so unwilling to make changes or take your physical wellbeing into consideration then you need to seriously re-think the relationship.

Jewelspun · 02/12/2023 09:45

Is he fat/obese?

If he doesn't want to improve his health I would dump him.

I wouldn't put up with that.

MaraScottie · 02/12/2023 09:49

He sounds like a selfish git. Also, how can he possibly judge if the nose strips worked or not, he's asleep FFS!

OP you need to get more assertive and get him to sort this out, its not unreasonable at all!

greencheetah · 02/12/2023 09:52

Dump him, selfish tosser.

Think of all the lovely sleep you will have and all the extra energy you will find as a result.

He is selfish and that rarely changes.

When does tenancy end? Can you stay with family or friends until it finishes? I’m assuming both your names are on tenancy - if it’s just his place, move out ASAP

CateringPanic · 02/12/2023 09:52

I agree with others it’s not the snoring (he can’t help that), it’s the reluctance to acknowledge the problem and do something about it. My DH snores terribly a lot of the time too. This is how we approach it:

  • he allows me time to go to bed first and fall asleep
  • he happily wears a nose strip which improved things
  • he bought a special anti snore pillow, which doesn’t do anything but the thought was nice
  • he will roll over onto his side whenever I ask him to if he is keeping me up
  • i wear headphones and listen to relaxing music if it’s really bad

Every so often, if it’s been really bad for a few days eg. Due to allergies, I will take a night on the sofa bed to regain some lost sleep. He would take a turn but the sofa bed is in my office which I use for work so I would only be turfing him out in the morning.

Its been years in the making to get to the point where we are able to share a bed 95% of the time, which we both agree is important for intimacy.

It shouldn’t be you against him; it’s both of you against the problem (his snoring)

twilightcafe · 02/12/2023 10:00

You're in your twenties! Plenty of time to find someone else.

Why are you lumbering yourself with this bloke? Stop wasting time. Leopards never change their spots. He's a selfish git and that is that.

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 02/12/2023 10:07

One of my grown dc recently started wearing a cpap mask at night. No more snoring and waking up throughout the night. Their doctor had ordered a sleep study first.

15PiecesOfFlair · 02/12/2023 10:11

You literally cannot sleep in the same room. So any living arrangement needs to account for this.
If he doesn't understand this or is upset by reality then I couldn't be doing with someone that dense/ self-centred.

You've got your whole life to find someone better.

4939 · 02/12/2023 10:17

My sympathies. It could be sleep apnoea young people can have it so can ‘normal’ weight people. It is dangerous and can be treated using a CPAP machine at night. Perfect sleep for all in the bedroom! Looks a bit strange and takes a bit of getting used to but it saves lives and partnerships. He should see a GP and be referred for sleep tests. If he won’t go then perhaps there are more problems with your partnership. Best wishes.

YireosDodeAver · 02/12/2023 10:21

I totally get you. If you have bedrooms for this, either adopt one to be your bedroom or convert one to being his bedroom and sleep separately. Let him know you will share a bed with him again if and only if the snoring can be resolved.

Chiar · 02/12/2023 10:25

You had me at "he forgets" to sleep on the sofa.

A CPAP isn't a magic bullet. DH has one and I still choose separate bedrooms. It's not silent and it blows a cold breeze in my face all night. But he's a lovely person to live with so an extra bedroom became a priority and a great use of our hard earned cash. I just don't think you feel the same about your bloke.

whatsappdoc · 02/12/2023 10:26

He doesn't care about you! Why do you have to find solutions and he can just shoot them down? Take charge. Separate accommodation to start with or just find someone better.

ttcat37 · 02/12/2023 10:27

No brainer. Give him an ultimatum to get it sorted within x amount of time or you’re off. See how much he actually gives a shit.

stealthsquirrelnutkin · 02/12/2023 12:09

Different CPAP masks blow the used air out in different directions. My latest one blows the air out above my head. There's no reason why a partner should have to sleep in another room to avoid sleeping in a cold breeze.

Just ask your partner to phone the CPAP department that provides the masks, explain the problem and ask to try some masks that vent the air towards the headboard rather than in the face of the person trying to sleep next to them.

CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 02/12/2023 12:13

I’d say it’s very slightly U to be annoyed by the fact that he wont get help for it as as far as I know there aren’t many useful treatments for snoring. But you aren’t U for the actual problem, sadly. Agree that sleeping apart is the best solution. If you can’t sleep, you can’t sleep, and that’s going to ruin your health and your life.

MammaTill2Pojkar · 02/12/2023 12:33

Separate beds (in the same room) makes a huge difference, the worst of it for me is the way it rumbles through the mattress and directly in to my ear through the pillow. My OH rarely wakes me now we have separate beds, I don't use ear plugs, when he does snore too loud I shove him and tell him to roll over/change position.

RaininSummer · 02/12/2023 12:45

If he won't do separate rooms, I would leave as he has no consideration to the fact that you aren't sleeping and not sleeping is torture. I. Even slept in chair in a field once to get away from it in a camper van.

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 02/12/2023 13:15

Being unwilling to try and sort it would put me off because it's so inconsiderate.
My DH snores, he's not overweight and he doesn't drink, and he's been to the GP and been referred to ENT. If he shrugged his shoulders and never did anything I'd be cross.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 02/12/2023 13:31

Agree with everyone else - separate bedrooms or separate

We do separate bedrooms as I deserve to sleep too!!! Him not doing anything to help or agree to separate bedrooms says a lot.

If you are in your 20s what’s the plan? Are kids in the plan? As I can tell you lack of sleep from baby and snoring is pure hell so don’t have kids with someone who
is not willing to fix their snoring or take ownership of it

Helenahandkart · 02/12/2023 13:34

We had separate rooms for two years but I recently bought some Loop Quiet earplugs and they have been amazing. Other earplugs didn’t work.

Helenahandkart · 02/12/2023 13:45

My DH snores a lot more when he’s been drinking and when he’s overweight. When we went on a health kick prior to trying to get pregnant he stopped drinking and lost weight and almost completely stopped snoring.
But if your partner’s in his 20s then giving up drinking is a big deal, particularly if your social life is built around it, so I think it might be too much to expect of him.
Everyone saying get a bigger flat with a spare room has no idea about housing costs for young people.
I would really recommend the Loop earplugs. They’re comfortable to sleep in.
I put up with it for almost 20 years and spent many nights crying on the sofa due to sleep deprivation before deciding on separate rooms so they’ve been a game changer for me. I hated sleeping in separate rooms.

thedamnseason · 02/12/2023 14:03

I threatened separate rooms with my partner unless he tried to sort it. I'm a light sleeper and can't wear ear plugs.

Amazingly the plasters work really well and he happily wears them every night. I was shocked it was so ridiculously easy to solve but realise that's not the case for everyone.

SgtJuneAckland · 02/12/2023 14:14

DH snores like a bear, before DC I was a heavy sound sleeper so didn't notice, in your situation I would and have considered leaving.

The difference being DH did go to the GP has been assessed at the sleep clinic, doesn't really drink other than in special occasions, is fit (we got rid of our second car so he cycles everywhere so I can use the car) and he's not overweight. They diagnosed him as a simple snorer after sleep study. He has tried nose strips, throat spray, a t-shirt on backwards with a tennis ball in the pocket, a mouth guard thing. It makes little difference, however he has tried and tried everything. I tend to go up to bed half an hour before him now as it's more difficult for me to get to sleep if he's already snoring (he falls asleep in seconds of course) . I also have ear plugs.

We do also have a spare room, if it's too much or wakes me in the night I elbow him and he goes to the spare room. While he was undergoing investigation he slept in there a lot, all without complaint and for me it's that that makes the difference.
He knows it affects me, he has done everything he can to resolve it and is rolling to be the one to adapt when I ask him to. If he wasn't it wouldn't be about his snoring it would be about his lack of any consideration for me or my will bring and that would be a relationship ender for me.

Figmentof · 02/12/2023 14:23

Moooonpig · 02/12/2023 09:16

We aren't married or engaged yet, it's going to cost us more in rent and utilities to rent a larger place that we otherwise wouldn't need.

I am married to a snorer. He is not a drinker, he just snores, he has tried strips, mouth guards, loads of remedies and has never found anything that works. Earplugs don’t work for me either.

The only thing that works for us is separate rooms. If you want to continue this relationship, then you need to have separate rooms and I would change your mindset into thinking that this is something that you do need.

Otherwise yes, end things whilst it is uncomplicated.

SheIsStuck23 · 02/12/2023 14:29

Moooonpig · 02/12/2023 09:17

And he will not agree to two separate bedrooms permanently, I've already suggested it and he got upset, so just not sure tbh.

Selfish twat!

Who the hell does he think he is to dictate where you can and can’t sleep when HE is the one who is stopping you from sleeping?!

Me and my husband have separate bedrooms due to his snoring and it’s heaven. He doesn’t particularly like it but he knows I need sleep and so he accepts the fact that we have to sleep apart.

Your partner is incredibly selfish and so yes, I’d leave him too.

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