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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The longer my mums not been here, the worse I feel.

48 replies

Murphs1 · 01/12/2023 22:59

My mum died in the winter of 2016. Obviously the winter and Christmas brings up memories of my mum, and how much I wish she was still here. I know Christmas brings grief to the fore, but I still miss her so much and wish she was here. My kids are in 13 and 15 and feel they have missed so much, not having my mum in their lives. Does anyone else feel like this a long time after their parent has passed?

OP posts:
DodoNest · 01/12/2023 23:03

I don't have any advice OP but sending hugs ❤️ x

ragdollyanna1974 · 01/12/2023 23:06

Lost my mum coming up to 2 years now.
I am going through some tough times atm and miss her more now than I ever did.
I just need her.
Sending much love.

GreyhpundGirl · 01/12/2023 23:10

Yep. My mum died 10.years ago, the day before my birthday. I'm incredibly sad my 3 year old will never meet this formidable woman, but grateful my auntie (her sister) is in our lives. When my daughter is old enough, I can't wait to tell her all the amazing stories.

MargaritaHargitaysLittleSister · 01/12/2023 23:13

My mum died winter 2007. Absolutely hate this time of year - it just serves to remind me of how many other relatives I've lost.

Houseplanter · 01/12/2023 23:17

Almost 30 years since I lost mine. Earlier today I had a sudden urge to ask her what I should do about something.

It doesn't go away OP, but you do learn to live with it. Most of the time anyway

Lemonyfuckit · 01/12/2023 23:20

Sending hugs OP and sorry for your loss. My DF died two and a half years ago and in many ways it feels like yesterday. The grief isn't as raw but I wouldn't say it's lessened in any way. I think also at Christmas we always particularly miss people.

I don't know if this is helpful at all OP but you don't have to think you 'should' be feeling less sad or missing her less as time passes.

Newgolddream70 · 01/12/2023 23:24

I lost my Mum in January 2021 during lockdown. I miss her so much, especially at this time of the year. I am sat here on my own tonight thinking about her. She gave me a plant at Christmas 2019 and it's still flowering on my windowsill now. 😢

Newgolddream70 · 01/12/2023 23:27

I'm sorry for your loss, OP 🌺

TooOldToTolerateBullshit · 01/12/2023 23:28

My mum died at the start of this year and I am finding this time of year so tough too, which I wasn’t expecting. That feeling of missing them and needing them is so acute. I shed some tears driving to work this week because I just needed my mum so much. Even though I’m a grown ass woman of nearly 50. Sending hugs OP x

TheMildManneredMilitant · 01/12/2023 23:29

Ahh OP. My mum died a similar time to yours and I have kids similar ages. It isn't as raw now but it still hits me in the gut at times, like when I see people my age out having coffee with their mums, or kids out with both grandparents.

I struggle with this time of year too. It triggers a lot of horrible memories of her last weeks with us, as well as the trauma of her actually passing.

I guess it is normal. But it's still shit.

FriedasCarLoad · 01/12/2023 23:35

My lovely mother died that same winter, a few days before Christmas.

It breaks my heart that she never got to meet my husband and children, and that they'll never know her. She'd have adored them, and she would have been so thrilled for me.

Sometimes I feel like I'm getting used to her not being her and at other times it seems to be more painful rather than less.

I'm so very sorry that you're going through this too.

Pepperonipizzawitheverything · 01/12/2023 23:38

Sometimes it just comes out of the blue, just going about my day and then something suddenly reminds me my mum's gone and just how much I miss her washes over me. This time of year it's always worse.

Sending a hug to you @Murphs1 ❤

Refbuckethat · 01/12/2023 23:42

My parents died before my DC born, their dads parents died whilst they were still at primary school. I get sad about it but as I can't change it for them I don't dwell on it. I grew up with one set of grandparents gone (war years) and another lived 5 hours away then died before I got to high school. All generations of my family have had children relatively old

Mariposista · 01/12/2023 23:48

Grief is horrendous OP, especially this time of year.
My beloved gran died in April. I had been dreading Advent starting, and the countdown to Christmas. Now it's here, and today has been hard.
My lovely friends once said 'Grief is just love which has nowhere to go. It's like breaking a rib, each time you breathe in, it hurts, but you can function more or less well'.

Take care.

unsync · 01/12/2023 23:49

Eight years. I make an effort to flip it as she wouldn't want me to be unhappy. So I try to think of all the good stuff and keep some of the traditions alive in her honour. We will raise a toast to her on Christmas Day. I always think she'd be amused by having left me to do the cooking. 😊

All that time heals stuff is bollocks. It takes practice, but you can live with it though. Try to focus on the happy stuff, it eases it.

steff13 · 01/12/2023 23:52

My mother died on December 15, 2001. It's still hard. It's less hard, but it still hurts. I actually cried this week because I wanted my mom.

knickerbockergloria123 · 01/12/2023 23:52

It's my mums birthday today. She died 13 years ago, for some reason I feel her loss so much today.

She certainly wasn't your cosy maternal mum, she could be difficult, and hard at times, but she also had a fun and happy side when it suited her and today I have realised really what I lost the day she died.

Happy Birthday Mum x

moonriverandme · 01/12/2023 23:52

My dad died 21years ago in December & my mum 2years ago November. I find Christmas really hard & not the joyful time it used to be. I put up decorations, buy presents & have a nice time with my family & little Grandson, & I think how they would have loved him. It's never the same. Christmas adds to the sadness that's already there when a loved one has died. I'm thankful for the time I had them in my life & create new memories now. 💐

Ladybird69 · 01/12/2023 23:55

I’m sending everyone on her huge hugs. I lost my mum to cancer during covid. So I wasn’t allowed to see her until they’d put palliative care in place. Everything seemed like a dream and I went through the motions and of course there was no real funeral. I kind of had a bit of a breakdown afterwards and I just didn’t want to admit that she had gone! It’s been 3 years now she passed away in oct, it’s her birthday next week and then of course we have good old Christmas! Things aren’t getting any easier I think worse actually I keep questioning myself that she’s really gone, or I’m talking to someone and I’ll say oh don’t worry mum will know the answer to that! It seems like my mind has tricked itself into thinking that the past 3 years were just a horrible dream and she’s still alive. If you understand what I mean. It’s only now that I’ve actually realised that she’s really truly gone and I’m totally here on my own. Time has not healed anything in my life. Oh and I totally hate Hancock, Boris and his whole staff of the time. My mum died alone, scared , petrified and they were all mixing and partying. Bastards.

TeaGinandFags · 02/12/2023 00:02

OP this is really shitty!

Try bringing her back by keeping her memory alive and doing something for her like a special decoration or lighting a candle. Talk to her as if she was beside you and hopefully you'll feel her presence. Give her 5 mins a day. She'll understand that you're busy with life and the living: she too was a mum who had to juggle.

I lost my daughter and this was the sort of thing that helped keep me going. The pain can't be shushed away but you do learn how to cope. You may not get the hug that you need but remind yourself of all the things inside that she left you with. They will sustain you.

Sending hugs xx

Anele22 · 02/12/2023 00:06

It’s my mum’s birthday today. But she died 18 months ago. And I’d love to tell her that my daughter found out today that she came first on her masters degree. I’m bursting with pride. Can’t tell mum so I’m telling all of you 🫢

doyouwanticewiththat · 02/12/2023 00:10

It's a hard time for those of us who have lost our mums ..sorry for your loss OP. I'm the same amount as you roughly @Houseplanter , and I was just thinking about telling her something today . I sometimes ask her something and then answer myself !
My adult DD looks very like her , which is quite nice . @Anele22 well done to your daughter .

VictorianBigot · 02/12/2023 00:15

10 years since DF died. I still cry about it a lot. I did tonight actually as I’m reading a book in which grief is a big part of the plot.

There will never stop being ‘firsts’ without them, which is so hard to bear. I’m not sure it gets easier exactly, it just changes. He’s still very much alive in my memory and always will be.

Lifesd · 02/12/2023 00:22

I would try and flip this on its head OP and sorry if this sounds insensitive- you had a wonderful relationship which you will hopefully replicate with your DC. My own mum relationship is awful
and I’m trying to break that cycle with my own. DDs. Remember her and your love and replicate the wonderful stuff.

ragdollyanna1974 · 02/12/2023 00:23

@Ladybird69 I feel exactly the same.
Sending you a huge hug.